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Original poster

He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

294 replies

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:51

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 16/02/2025 13:52

You’re are gracious in all your replies and are clearly be reflective - wish you and your children well

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:53

2025willbemytime · 16/02/2025 13:51

I don't get a sense of he's met someone else. If he has, and he's using the fact he may want a child as a get out he's playing a risky game. You could have said yes! I doubt he's that clever tbh.

You have done nothing wrong and well done for getting up and leaving. I wouldn't be encouraging any relationship with my kids though and hoped it fizzled out.

Thank you, on reflection I’ve been thinking the same thing.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 16/02/2025 13:53

People are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason they want.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:54

CinnamonJellyBeans · 16/02/2025 13:51

He does have a perfect right to break up with you over this. the reason and background sound perfectly plausible. There's no point being angry about it.

I’m not at all angry.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 16/02/2025 13:54

Neither of you are in the wrong here. Like many men, he didn’t really know what he wanted until late 30s, and now he’s realised he might want kids after all. Rather than stringing you along for a few more years till he met someone younger, he’s told you what he’s feeling now. You, quite understandably, don’t want more kids. It makes sense to split up, as hard as it feels right now.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:55

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:52

We broke up last Saturday (8 days ago).

Show quote history

And he hasn’t been around? Hasn’t tried contacting you even though you’ve blocked him?

Mrsbloggz · 16/02/2025 13:56

@Jyali25
Well done for standing firm and doing the right thing for yourself and your existing children.
In my experience men tend to only want the good parts of being a parent; being seen by other men as a strong capable provider, someone who has the ability to capture a woman and make her make the sacrifices while they carry on investing in themselves and their earning potential.
Don't ever let him feel make you feel guilty, you have gestated, given birth to and raised 4 new humans, nothing he can do will ever come close to that.

pinkdelight · 16/02/2025 13:56

Nessastats · 16/02/2025 13:48

To some of the other posters - Why does he need a long list of reasons why he wants a baby?

How many women know exactly why they want a baby before they have one, apart from "i just do?".

A lot of people have an urge to procreate. Doesn't mean that they will make shit parents. Let's face it, there's not that many good reasons to have kids are there?

I can't really think of one that doesn't boil down to "because i want them".

Also lots of people travel and then when they're ready to settle down, they stop traveling, or they pack up the baby and take them along. Why would he stop traveling now? He doesn't have any kids. It doesn't mean he's going to be a shit dad because he likes travelling now and doesn't know what having a baby will be like. Nobody does before they have one.

Completely agree with this. We all have a lot to learn when we have DC and there's no substitute for that. And we've all said superficial, self-centred, naive things before the reality of having kids happens. Then we adjust and grow from it. There's no reason this guy had to have it all sorted in advance. He's muddling his way through life as he matures at his pace and that's fine. None of it sounds like there's been any malign intention and indeed OP sounds very much to have her head screwed on so the chances are he's a good guy and the timing's bad so they're not compatible. It's good that this has come out now rather than later, and guys don't have a ticking clock and can generally find a woman in her 30s ready to snap up someone who wants DC. Hopefully he'll have a good future and the OP surely will with her 4 DC on their way to independence and a whole new world of possibilities opening up.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:57

What were the “downs” about op?

Bloom15 · 16/02/2025 13:57

I don't think he has done anything wrong - although understand OP is hurt. He is 'allowed' to decide he wants children and find a relationship where he can do this

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:58

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:22

i think over the last 3 months I was definitely more into him than he was into me so your response makes sense to me

Show quote history

What made you think this?

Meadowfinch · 16/02/2025 13:59

He's either 100% sure he wants dcs now, or he's met someone else, or both.

Either way, you've done the right thing. You want different lives.

I walked away from an engagement, wedding booked, 22 days to go, because my then fiance announced he didn't want children. The hardest thing I've ever done but there's no way to compromise on that. Pretending otherwise will only prolong the unhappiness.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:00

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:55

And he hasn’t been around? Hasn’t tried contacting you even though you’ve blocked him?

Show quote history

He text me the day I walked away stating how much he cares about me and how important the children and I are to him. He said it was hard for him because he never started the conversation with intent to break up but the more we talked about the future he couldn’t help but think what if we get married and he decided he does want children. He also said he remembers me saying that I always cut ties with anyone I break up with and it was within my right

i did not respond and he has not made any further attempts

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:01

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:00

He text me the day I walked away stating how much he cares about me and how important the children and I are to him. He said it was hard for him because he never started the conversation with intent to break up but the more we talked about the future he couldn’t help but think what if we get married and he decided he does want children. He also said he remembers me saying that I always cut ties with anyone I break up with and it was within my right

i did not respond and he has not made any further attempts

Show quote history

He sounds very decent

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:01

Mrsbloggz · 16/02/2025 13:56

@Jyali25
Well done for standing firm and doing the right thing for yourself and your existing children.
In my experience men tend to only want the good parts of being a parent; being seen by other men as a strong capable provider, someone who has the ability to capture a woman and make her make the sacrifices while they carry on investing in themselves and their earning potential.
Don't ever let him feel make you feel guilty, you have gestated, given birth to and raised 4 new humans, nothing he can do will ever come close to that.

Thank for I appreciate this and I am so blessed to have 4 amazing existing children.

i hope he finds what he is looking for too

OP posts:
Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/02/2025 14:02

His brother is a total fuckwit, OP. There’s nothing selfish about not having children, and nothing noble about having them. If he lets religious idiots like his brother pressure him into having children he doesn’t really want, that’s bad luck for the children and for him.

You are being heroic, OP. Walking away with your head held high. Welcoming him to stay in touch with the children, if they choose to. Not doing the Pick Me dance. Cutting contact, without anger or ill-feeling.

I have a feeling he told you because he wanted to keep bumbling along until something ‘better’ turned up. Then he could move on without feeling guilty. But that would have been unsettling for you and, importantly, your DC. Instead, you took control and I admire that.

He may well end up lonely or living a family life he doesn’t enjoy. But that’s not your problem. I hope you soon find happiness again xx

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:03

He’d had a month of not being around 4 kids and remembered how much he enjoyed the freedom and quiet.

You say he’s been withdrawing for 3 months? Sounds like the novelty of being with someone with 4 children had well and truly worn off

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:04

Oh I doubt his brother said this

He’s looking to build some fluff around the fact that he just wasnt feeling it anymore

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2025 14:05

You said he had your children's numbers. Has he contacted them. I think I'd want to monitor this contact and/or let it fizzel out.

I think you did the right thing, although it must be sad at the moment, but you sound like a very thoughtful person who knows her worth and is focussed on your children and on healing. Wishing you all the best

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:05

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/02/2025 14:02

His brother is a total fuckwit, OP. There’s nothing selfish about not having children, and nothing noble about having them. If he lets religious idiots like his brother pressure him into having children he doesn’t really want, that’s bad luck for the children and for him.

You are being heroic, OP. Walking away with your head held high. Welcoming him to stay in touch with the children, if they choose to. Not doing the Pick Me dance. Cutting contact, without anger or ill-feeling.

I have a feeling he told you because he wanted to keep bumbling along until something ‘better’ turned up. Then he could move on without feeling guilty. But that would have been unsettling for you and, importantly, your DC. Instead, you took control and I admire that.

He may well end up lonely or living a family life he doesn’t enjoy. But that’s not your problem. I hope you soon find happiness again xx

Thank you, I appreciate your well wishes

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:06

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2025 14:05

You said he had your children's numbers. Has he contacted them. I think I'd want to monitor this contact and/or let it fizzel out.

I think you did the right thing, although it must be sad at the moment, but you sound like a very thoughtful person who knows her worth and is focussed on your children and on healing. Wishing you all the best

Thank you for your feedback. I am considering letting it fizzle out completely as on reflection it could just bring confusion

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:07

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 14:06

Thank you for your feedback. I am considering letting it fizzle out completely as on reflection it could just bring confusion

Show quote history

But he hasnt been in contact since a message after you met 8 days ago? I’d say it has fizzled out surely?

saraclara · 16/02/2025 14:07

It sounds to me that you're both acting decently and honestly.

Despite the usual attempts by many to categorically state that he's being duplicitous in a multitude of creative ways (because he's a man) despite them never having met him or having any reason to KNOW with such certainty what he's doing and feeling, I'm only seeing decency at this point.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:08

saraclara · 16/02/2025 14:07

It sounds to me that you're both acting decently and honestly.

Despite the usual attempts by many to categorically state that he's being duplicitous in a multitude of creative ways (because he's a man) despite them never having met him or having any reason to KNOW with such certainty what he's doing and feeling, I'm only seeing decency at this point.

me too

ljhlousnbehm · 16/02/2025 14:10

I imagine him finding someone new, a bit younger than him, who wants kids then he will be persuaded (or is it pushing on an open door?!) of fatherhood. I think he's a bit ambivalent and it will take someone else to make the decision for him. He's not sure whether it's for him but he has social convention, a ticking clock and his brother in his ear. I know men can have kids at any age but he may be thinking he doesn't want to be an old dad and needs to get on with it. However, the travelling will have to change.

FWIW I think you've behaved with calm dignity and self respect, OP.

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