Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

294 replies

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 09:51

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:35

housethatbuiltme · 16/02/2025 13:33

So you had 4 children and have got to live that, you expect him to help with 4 kids that aren't his but never have his own its not fair expecting him to give that up.

He has according to your own post never said he didn't want kids just that it might not be a deal breaker, well now he realizes it is.

Let him go, you are not compatable unless HE sacrifices massively and thats simply not fair.

I never expected him to help with my kids. It was he who decided to help with the last two trips. I am sufficient without him.

if that’s what he felt I don’t know but we discussed expectations from the beginning

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This

He doesn’t want a life of paying for 4 children not his
Doesn’t want to live in a house with 4 children not his

Nessastats · 16/02/2025 13:37

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 10:15

You are right, he is allowed to change his mind.. I just wish he hadn’t let me invest me and my children’s emotions but I guess hindsight is a beautiful thing

Show quote history

You're the one who did that - he told you right from the start he might want more children. You're the one who introduced your kids and brought their emotions into. That's not on him.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:37

Did you ever meet his family op? His parents? If so, did you have your children with you?

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:39

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:37

Did you ever meet his family op? His parents? If so, did you have your children with you?

I met some of his family and yes there were times I had my children with me. Usually not as it was usually our date nights or evenings out

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:39

Nessastats · 16/02/2025 13:37

You're the one who did that - he told you right from the start he might want more children. You're the one who introduced your kids and brought their emotions into. That's not on him.

Show quote history

I agree
He fancied someone and to spend time with them had to also spend time with her 4 children.

It was on the mother to limit that as much as possible

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:40

Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:39

I met some of his family and yes there were times I had my children with me. Usually not as it was usually our date nights or evenings out

Show quote history

If I was his mother or sister, I’d be concerned by my brother in his thirties taking on 4 children including very young children and teens.

Let alone if I know he was paying towards them

TheOGCCL · 16/02/2025 13:41

I think he is romanticising the idea of kids, neither the reasons given are good ones for devoting 18 years of your life to another human. Maybe he’s seen other relationships where the man gets away with doing not too much and thinks it’s a walk in the park. (He presumably doesn’t do all the daily grind with your existing kids). In your case that just wouldn’t apply because you aren’t the one pushing for a baby. He’d have to be pretty committed to the idea. But the main point here is that you are quite old biologically so even if you turned round and said ok, it doesn’t seem all that likely and all this was entirely predictable by him. I’d just give him space as this is just not something you can do anything about.

Hwi · 16/02/2025 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Would you say that to your adult child who said they didn’t want children @Hwi ?

ChancesAreLow · 16/02/2025 13:44

I think if you turned around and said you were happy to have a child with him, he would find another excuse to break up.

Sorry OP, it sucks.

ChancesAreLow · 16/02/2025 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a ridiculous post, made me laugh!

Trunksarebetter · 16/02/2025 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

There are some people who really SHOULD be erased from nature…

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:45

TheOGCCL · 16/02/2025 13:41

I think he is romanticising the idea of kids, neither the reasons given are good ones for devoting 18 years of your life to another human. Maybe he’s seen other relationships where the man gets away with doing not too much and thinks it’s a walk in the park. (He presumably doesn’t do all the daily grind with your existing kids). In your case that just wouldn’t apply because you aren’t the one pushing for a baby. He’d have to be pretty committed to the idea. But the main point here is that you are quite old biologically so even if you turned round and said ok, it doesn’t seem all that likely and all this was entirely predictable by him. I’d just give him space as this is just not something you can do anything about.

Yes you are right… and indeed space is what I have given him… I haven’t contacted him since we had the conversation 8 days ago and did not respond to his last message

OP posts:
Likewhatever · 16/02/2025 13:47

I would discourage contact with your children, OP. He’s been in their lives a short time and they’ll get over his absence now but might find it harder a few years down the line when he has his own and loses interest.

saraclara · 16/02/2025 13:47

Nessastats · 16/02/2025 13:37

You're the one who did that - he told you right from the start he might want more children. You're the one who introduced your kids and brought their emotions into. That's not on him.

Show quote history

I was about to post exactly that. You knew he was only 50:50 on having a child when you were 100% certain that you didn't want one. You were just as responsible for letting your children get close to someone with whom you were not on the same page. It's not remotely all on him. In fact as they're your children, you are more responsible for doing that @Jyali25

FantasiaTurquoise · 16/02/2025 13:47

I don't think he set out to hurt you or that this means he didn't have feelings for you or genuinely want to be with you. Feelings change and it's not his fault if kids have become progressively more important to him, especially as there is no reason he knows of why he can't have them. I would try to reframe this - you had a good relationship and you both wanted it to work out, but ultimately you wanted different things in life so you ended it amicably after a mature conversation. It's sad but both of you come out of it well for being clear about your needs so try not to feel bitter or rewrite the whole story in the light of the ending. You will learn from this and hopefully the right person is out there for you.

Nessastats · 16/02/2025 13:48

To some of the other posters - Why does he need a long list of reasons why he wants a baby?

How many women know exactly why they want a baby before they have one, apart from "i just do?".

A lot of people have an urge to procreate. Doesn't mean that they will make shit parents. Let's face it, there's not that many good reasons to have kids are there?

I can't really think of one that doesn't boil down to "because i want them".

Also lots of people travel and then when they're ready to settle down, they stop traveling, or they pack up the baby and take them along. Why would he stop traveling now? He doesn't have any kids. It doesn't mean he's going to be a shit dad because he likes travelling now and doesn't know what having a baby will be like. Nobody does before they have one.

ClairDeLaLune · 16/02/2025 13:48

Rainbow1901 · 16/02/2025 13:13

This man seems to want the best of both worlds - he might want children but does he not realise that if he did have children the travelling might have to stop or at the very least reduce.
If he has a child/children he will have responsibilities that don't include potentially taking off on holiday for up to 10 weeks all told! Unless he plans on taking Junior with him or he leaves them with whoever his partner is at the time to childmind while he swans off - he's in cloud cuckoo land!! Has that been pointed out to him? What an idiot?! I'm only sorry that you had to go through this OP.

Show quote history

We take our kids travelling on several holidays a year and have done since they were tiny. We’re not idiots!

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:49

Likewhatever · 16/02/2025 13:47

I would discourage contact with your children, OP. He’s been in their lives a short time and they’ll get over his absence now but might find it harder a few years down the line when he has his own and loses interest.

Thanks for your perspective- I have been pondering on this

OP posts:
Horses7 · 16/02/2025 13:49

Sadly I think he’s on his way out, be prepared or end it first before you’ve invested any more years. At least he’s been honest.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:50

FantasiaTurquoise · 16/02/2025 13:47

I don't think he set out to hurt you or that this means he didn't have feelings for you or genuinely want to be with you. Feelings change and it's not his fault if kids have become progressively more important to him, especially as there is no reason he knows of why he can't have them. I would try to reframe this - you had a good relationship and you both wanted it to work out, but ultimately you wanted different things in life so you ended it amicably after a mature conversation. It's sad but both of you come out of it well for being clear about your needs so try not to feel bitter or rewrite the whole story in the light of the ending. You will learn from this and hopefully the right person is out there for you.

Thank you, I appreciate your support and input

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 16/02/2025 13:51

I don't get a sense of he's met someone else. If he has, and he's using the fact he may want a child as a get out he's playing a risky game. You could have said yes! I doubt he's that clever tbh.

You have done nothing wrong and well done for getting up and leaving. I wouldn't be encouraging any relationship with my kids though and hoped it fizzled out.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 16/02/2025 13:51

He does have a perfect right to break up with you over this. the reason and background sound perfectly plausible. There's no point being angry about it.

Original poster
Jyali25 · 16/02/2025 13:52

Horses7 · 16/02/2025 13:49

Sadly I think he’s on his way out, be prepared or end it first before you’ve invested any more years. At least he’s been honest.

We broke up last Saturday (8 days ago).

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread