He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

I imagine him still dithering about it in five years time, enjoying his free time, whilst lamenting "If only..."

He's been honest.

You're at different stages of your lives.

38 is not old to be a father.

I know plenty of men that age who have just had their first , or plan to.
38 is quite normal now for professional couples, especially for the man if his partner is a slightly younger.

I'm sorry and understand how it hurts, but you need to let him go and pursue his own agenda. It's a big ask for a youngish man to take on 4 children ranging from teens to primary school age as step children.

Be grateful it didn't go on for longer.

Weird comment from brother about child free being selfish ??
HAVING children is selfish, to the planet, the country’s economy the nHS etc etc but we do it because we want it , it’s hardly a duty to be completed for others ?

the crash and his post reaction is fishy was he attacked ? Fight ?

No he wasn’t attacked. His car crashed into a post

and I do find his brother’s comments generally questionable

Or married, with a toddler and thinking how he almost signed up to a partner with 4 children from very young through to teens.

His brother didn’t say it I’d guess
He’s just trying to fudge a story
but the truth is - he didn’t want it anymore, it was overwhelming and the novelty had worn off of being involved with 4 young kids

What makes you say he’s been withdrawing for past 3 months?

I think if he doesn't consider your biological children as potentially his legacy, then that confirms you're not well suited. I'm a similar age and don't have kids, but consider my nephew and a few children of close friends as filling that space so to speak and my DH is on the same page. I don't think he's wrong for seriously considering whether he wants to experience having children that are 'his' biologically. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by cutting contact. I'd try not to dwell on whether he's met someone else or may change his mind as I don't think it's helpful

Yeah, it’s sad for you. Unfortunately men don’t have a timeline like women because they can have babies however old they are so I think if there is a chance they may want them it’s always open to them.

i think you both sound like youve got your heads screwed on and are honest and clear with each other.

I completely agree thank you…

his brother in the past has told him not to consider his nieces or nephews as a legacy as when it comes down to it they have their own parents - he has a different way of thinking

his brother in the past has told him not to consider his nieces or nephews as a legacy as when it comes down to it they have their own parents

How weird. Sounds as if the brother sees children as his property.

I hope to be able to leave my nieces and nephews some money, but more importantly many happy memories and the benefit of whatever I’ve been able to do for them over the years.

That's quite a sad way of looking at the world, if your ex agrees with that then I think you've dodged a bullet! We're not super involved and trying to be parents to the kids in our life by any stretch but I think there's a middle ground. I do like the idea that we'll hopefully be able to leave them a small inheritance when we pass which will hopefully make their lives a bit easier for instance.

Yes they can potentially father children at any age but good luck persuading a young fertile woman to use up her young fertile eggs and her young fertile reproductive organs on old man sperm.
If I was a woman who wanted children I'd be looking for a young genetically healthy man to provide the genes that I needed.

I agree with your stance. My sister has no children but I believe if a bond is created (like you seem to have done with your nieces and nephews) then that’s what matters

OP, can I just say that you are coming across as a really remarkable woman. Calm, considered, thoughtful and intelligent. The way you’ve dealt with the situation, and even the manner in which you’ve responded to comments on this thread shows such grace and a real strength of character. It’s really something to be admired.

I think you should be proud of yourself.

He’s been honest and made the right decision for himself.

Sorry you are going through a break up

He's 38 wants to have kids in the future

Therefore you are not compatible right now

Maybe in 5/10 years you will he?

But he could meet someone who is 32 and ready for a baby

What a weird, transactional view of having kids.
When I had mine as a "young fertile woman" I wasn't thinking of vetting for genetics and how old "the sperm" was!

Tbh I think you've both been honest, clear and firm in your stances re life stages and have given it a go anyway because you've got things in common and like each other. That's fine.

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out but take him at face value. He said all along he was unsure about not wanting children and it's been an ongoing conversation and you accepted him on that basis.

I don't want to criticise PPs but it's a shame that the first few responses were 'bet he's cheated' as I think you didn't particularly need to hear that and it's not a shock about turn, more a possibility that's always been there. Plenty of 30 somethings change their minds later on. Women and men.

I would take what he said at face value, never mind the legacy stuff too much. He's a 30 something man who has decided he wants children as he said he might. You gave him a chance anyway. Try and see it as a nice temporary relationship that always had a question mark over the long term. You'll be fine.

He needs to walk away to pursue the possibility of having children before age is against him. And not let a now misaligned relationship waste each other's time and deteriorate (or to pressure you into having children). And that is the long and short of the matter.

@Jyali25 - it might be worth you having counselling, ideally together. To unpack this and see what options are available to you both. It's a horrible situation for you (both) - and I hope you are able to move forward in whatever way is best for you

Thank you so much for such kind and affirming words - I wish you all the best

That’s very possible

There’s always the same replies on here. Men aren’t allowed to have feelings or change their mind in most women’s eyes.

He might be making excuses, he might not. If the roles were reversed and it was a 38 year old woman whose partner definitely didn’t want children and they thought they might, everyone on here would be telling her to leave and find a new partner who did.