He broke up with me because he MIGHT want children

[Jyali25]

My b/f and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last month.

The backstory, I am 41 and a single mum with 4 children (5,10,14 and 16). From our first conversation I told him I did not want anymore and I remained consistent with that. He is 38 and he initially said he was 70/30 then 50/50 about having kids. He said his mindset was that if he was dating a women who wanted kids, he would be open to it, and if he met someone who didn't then it wasn't a deal breaker. He said at his age he didn't want to start changing diapers, he felt tired and that he is more interested in travelling. He also said it was a bonus that I have kids as he gets to be part of children's lives without starting again.

The 2 years have been great with ups and downs but mostly ups. A few days ago we decided to meet up about us in terms of any issues, marriage etc. I hadn't seen him for a month as he has been on holiday.

I entirely went there excited about discussing the future and all seemed positive until I asked what should we work towards long term. He said he wants us to think marriage but he has to be honest with me. He mentioned while on holiday he was in a crash and he saw his life flash before him and he realised he was leaving behind no legacy. He also said his brother has been telling him he is selfish for not wanting kids.

He then said up to now he is still 50/50 but he is concerned that we get married, are happy with the 4 children but then he might want us to add on a biological one. I told him I have been consistently honest that I don't want more kids. I'm about to be 42, I've raised my kids single handedly for 6 years and I'm finally at a stage where I can start self care and think of myself a bit more. I have told him all this from the beginning.

He said he is scared his 50/50 might turn into 100 and he knows if that happens I won't be able to give him that. I asked what he was saying and he said logically we should part ways. I got up to leave and he asked can he still be part of the children's lives. I told him he has their numbers and I wouldn't stop him as it wouldn't be fair to the kids or him. I said I wish him the best and left the cafe where we met.

He then sent a message saying he didn't expect the conversation to go in that direction. He cares about me and that the children and I are important and to him. He said it is for the best and kept saying because he might want kids. I did not respond to the message.

I am heart broken for myself and the kids. He met all my family, we have been on 4 holidays with the kids and him and now this.
I was frustrated because he kept saying "might" and "I'm not saying I want kids but I'm still unsure." I have been so clear with him.

Anyways I have deleted him to avoid temptation of checkinG in on him or his statuses but I have not blocked him. I am so hurt as it took me a lot to let him into our lives. I was previously in an abusive relationship and after I left it took 4.5 years to work on myself so getting into this relationship took a lot.

I don't know why I'm posting just looking for insight, support, feedback, similar experiences, real truth and I'm not opposed to tough love. I have gone no contact. He broke up with me on Saturday and I have not spoken to him since or responded to his last message... it just really hurts

IMHO, if they haven't had children already, most women give it serious thought when heading towards 30 but must men only start when getting close to 40.

So many men I know have all had their first close to 40 whereas they were undecided or not sure before that. It took until 40 for them to realise what they wanted out of life.

You just aren't compatible. It's no one's fault.

It’s possible, finances were not an issue we dealt with but anything is possible

You've had your chance to be a parent 4 times which is over double the amount the vast majority of women will have in their lifetime. It isn't fair to deprive him of the chance to have one of his own, just because you are done with having children, he has one life and he should find a partner who wants the same. You were quite right to let him go. I reckon next time, look for a man who has older kids or someone who is dead set on having none at all.

Don’t be silly. It’s perfectly (and increasingly) ‘normal’ to have no interest in having children by any means — biologically, via adoption, or as stepchildren.

I don't see the issue? It is natural to want your own child. At least he is honest.

This man seems to want the best of both worlds - he might want children but does he not realise that if he did have children the travelling might have to stop or at the very least reduce.
If he has a child/children he will have responsibilities that don't include potentially taking off on holiday for up to 10 weeks all told! Unless he plans on taking Junior with him or he leaves them with whoever his partner is at the time to childmind while he swans off - he's in cloud cuckoo land!! Has that been pointed out to him? What an idiot?! I'm only sorry that you had to go through this OP.

Why do people always jump to the conclusion of another woman on here? I wouldn’t have thought about that at all in this scenario.

I think his crash has made him aware of his own mortality and made him think about what he really wants from his life. I think he’s been honest with you. Anyone can break up a relationship for any reason they want, and better that it happens now than a few years down the line by which time he might be desperate to have a child and you might be more entrenched in the relationship.

I’m sorry this has happened to you though OP.

Neither of you are being unreasonable but I think he's done the right thing walking away , sorry OP

I didn’t point it out because he will have to find out for himself.

he once told me most of his reasons for wanting biological children are selfish which is why he had never gone through with it. He said for example he would like to see if his child has freckles like him

Agree with this, according to MN, every bloke is shacked up with no single men available.

Yes men cheat, but not all. Same as not all men leave only to be with somone else.

You've handled it well OP and although a lesson learnt too late, it's better than wasting more years or finding out he's made someone else pregnant whilst together.

Good idea in cutting all contact too. It helps with the healing and moving on. Doesn't give him a chance to change his mind or drag it on with his equations.

There are men out there who don't want kids/can't, so you it's possible to meet the right match.

Your kids are lucky to have you and a year frin now, he'll be a distant memory.

A few thoughts on this thread

I think he invited you on holiday to cover himself, as in doing the right thing, knowing it would be a practical impossibility for you.

If he didn't think about that - perhaps an man who doesn't consider the impossibility of upping and going without the kids isn't the best bet for the father of a new baby.

He was absolutely upfront with you from the start about his feelings about parenthood, and also about how they were shifting. That they were never aligned to your own. This isn't a surprise - and he hasn't been future faking.

His brother's a fundamentalist Christian - the church is very clear that marriage is for having children, that we're here to go forth and multiply. Is that the family background view; is his upbringing asserting itself?

Thank you for this - I appreciate your words and encouragement

He wants to leave behind a 'legacy' 🙄(is he part of a Rothschild like family???) and wants to see if a child of his own will have his freckles... He loves the idea of having a child but the actual reality will definitely shock him. Plus he won't be a blue to just up sticks and holiday for a month!

I think you're better of without him.

Being away has opened his eyes and made him reflect on his future. He might have had a fling, who knows. You were honest and upfront with him from the beginning and he has now changed his mind around having his own child. Either that, or it's an excuse. Don't chase. Sorry OP, heartbreak is awful but remain no contact and it will get easier.

But… isn’t this true of literally any relationship? There’s never a guarantee that it will last forever. He, or you, could have changed your minds at any time over any issue.

Yes, you were honest from the start that you didn’t want any more children, and you were right to do that. But wasn’t he honest too? He never said “Great, neither do I”. This wasn’t some full 180.

It’s a case of reality vs expectations for sure .. but it’s his issue now!

*Every Normal....
*Would always want.....

What ridiculous statements!

There is no blanket rule, people are different and want different things in life, believe it or not.

To imply you know what every person wants is seriously narcissistic.

Hope you won't be expecting your kids to give you grandkids even if they don't want to.

I think he did the right thing to tell you and as people get older they often do change their mind about not wanting children.
Neither of you are in the wrong but you want different things.

So you had 4 children and have got to live that, you expect him to help with 4 kids that aren't his but never have his own its not fair expecting him to give that up.

He has according to your own post never said he didn't want kids just that it might not be a deal breaker, well now he realizes it is.

Let him go, you are not compatable unless HE sacrifices massively and thats simply not fair.

I’m determined to remain no contact. I will not be doing any chasing

She has let him go