20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

[Swils1009]

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

I really feel for you OP, I think you need to be immensely selfish at this point and put your wants and needs first.
Look after yourself, cuddle the dog, confide in a good friend and get your head straight about what you want going forward.
Good luck x

Oh no he is a walking cliche . So bloody predictable. I hope you have some good real life support .

I’m so sorry op. What a gaslighting twunt. I agree with pp that the best revenge is a life well lived. Walk away (or chuck him out), head held high, show him you don’t need him, and spend time reconnecting with your friends and family and having lots of fun. Enjoy your freedom, and being able to put yourself first.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. What a shitbag.

As much as I understand you wanting revenge, I wouldn't do anything too hasty. Make sure you get everything you need and your ducks in a row first as he could potentially turn nasty and thats not what you want if you have a joint mortgage/ house.

So he has slept with a work colleague and uses his long term 'friend' to rewrite your history as a couple. Very convenient for him. He can tell her anything, she isn't in the relationship, knows nothing about it so will believe anything he says. Even better than rewriting history with you because you can challenge all this been struggling on the marriage for a long time. Long term friend no doubt endorses his picture and piles on the sympathy. Very nice for him.
Sorry you are going through this op. Take care of yourself 💐

I do have the whole WhatsApp reel downloaded in a zip folder. He let me see this as I needed to know everything. Kissed a week before holiday / grubby messages / met this week and fucked. Told me he was away with work. She lives abroad and was over for a visit. From what I can tell from the messages (too thick to delete any). They’ve only physically me in person twice, but there are a lot of texts. Wanker!

Wow, I’m so sorry @Swils1009 he’s a complete bastard. Did he tell you voluntarily, or did you discover the affair? I’m assuming he’ll be moving out now, what a shit show for you though to have to deal with.

He was acting weird last night. Wouldn’t look me in the eye / avoiding chatting. Was also weird when he called me several times from his ‘work trip’.

I asked him on the phone whilst he was away and - shit you not - was told I was out of order / all in my head / was a psycho / how could I ask him that / of course not / I needed to trust him or what was the point / was doing his head in being so mental. This convo ended with ME apologising to him and explaining that after the holiday, I was still not fully trusting. He then went into hotel and shagged her!

Last night, asked again. Was told the same lines as previous. Said I didn’t believe him. Admitted to kiss and texts. I asked to see their texts. He said no - I asked why. Then I asked him if he was really on a work trip and to show me the proof of that. Got admission then. Then got the texts.

Good lord. You questioning him wasn’t even enough to shake him out of it. Knowing you suspected his affair and it could blow up his relationship and he did it anyway. Don’t take him back. He knew on your holiday he was going to break your heart but he didn’t even have the guts to end it. That level of betrayal and lies would be hard to ever get over.

Know your worth. He’s lost the best thing that ever happened to him and one day he will realise it. By that point you will be over him and living a better life. You deserve so much more. Grey rock him and block him out of your life. That will hurt more than your anger.

I’m so sorry, that is a horrific way to treat you, you deserve so much better. He had the opportunity to end things with before taking this further, he chose not to, he’s vile!

Swils1009, I think your first action should be to seek external help - can you contact a solicitor? This marriage is going nowhere and you need to protect yourself.

Your last update is so upsetting! He has been totally gaslighting you. I hope you are ok. Don’t blame yourself for batting off that he had an Ow when it was first suggested. You trusted his word and couldn’t imagine him hurting you like this. He is disgusting, had many opportunities to come clean!

I don't think that's why they suggest it.

It's not desire to cause pain or cruelty.

But it's an interesting projection on your part.

Ah I see they've been vindicated anyway.

Op, you can.meet someone else too, in time.

Except you'd be doing it with integrity.

And without calling the person you're cheating on paranoid, a psycho etc.

And plenty of us have had children in our early 40s too, if you changed your mind.

Boyfriend of 20 years says a lot.

It doesn’t really matter if there’s someone else. He has said how he feels - best walk away and find someone to maybe share the future with.

I can think of one. He left his wife and two small boys and got a flat on his own. He said he couldn't cope with his wife's mental health. A couple of years later started a relationship with a colleague and married her, they had a daughter who also had severe mental health issues. Seem to be doing OK now though.

I know a couple of men who ended their marriages with nobody else on the horizon. And my brother split with his girlfriend because he fell out of love, nobody else involved.

It actually doesn't. Not everyone needs to marry. How judgemental of you.

Op, as hard as this is right now try to focus your anger on the practicalities.
Any joint accounts? If so take your half of everything and transfer to somewhere he cannot access.
Then think about the house, do you want to stay? If so can you afford to buy him out?
If he wants to stay then he will have to buy you out.
If neither of those options work contact some estate agents tomorrow and look to get the house sold ASAP.

You need to look after YOU and your dog, be assured this bloke is no longer your friend.

This is totally irrelevant.
The OP has discovered her ex partner is a cheating arsehole.

He’s ’so sorry / realised his mistake / will do anything / I’ve said we are done / he says give it some time / blah blah blah’
I am no longer interested. I’m sorting my finances / getting house valued / looking for somewhere to live…what else do I need to do???

I have some really close friends, so going out to get pissed and dance off this anger. I will be fine!

Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

He should have realised what he had earlier and not betrayed your trust.

Move on with your head held high.

Don't enter into negotiations with him re finances. Keep everything business like via solicitors. Try not to get emotional in front of him, it makes you vulnerable to criticism.