20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

[Swils1009]

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be such a shock.

Someone upthread said don’t paint him as the bad guy, but actually he is. It is more likely that he has met someone else. However if he hasn’t and he genuinely is unhappy and has been for a while, why hasn’t he spoken to you about it before? Rather than just telling you out of the blue that it’s over.

If you don’t want to stay where you are for the remainder of the holiday, I would book a flight home and leave him there. It will at least give you some space.

What a stupid post! It takes spending some years with a man to realise that some of them are lazy, no-good, useless cocklodgers who leave everything to the woman. No woman going into a relationship knows that the man is going to be lazy cunt. Victim blaming much?!

This is hard for you OP, but best thing to do is accept it.

There's no paddling back once someone tells you they don't love you anymore.

He has his reasons, but trying will be for you when a healthy relationship is for both.

From experience, what happens from now on is him behaving how he likes, knowing he's done his part in telling you, so any cheating etc will be justified in his eyes.

It's a long time to throw away, but it's also a chance to start afresh.

You were both young when you met and it might be fomo on his part.

But whatever the reason, another woman, fomo, growing apart, now wanting children etc, the main thing is to be in control of things going forward.

Kick him out and take time to get over him. Don't allow it to drag on, as it will never be the same.

Oh shut up and take your nastiness elsewhere. My point is perfectly valid. Yes you may not know the person or who they'll turn out to be when you first meet them, but the moment you start to realise you've turned into some sort of skivvy, do you start to read the riot act and demand better, or do you sit there for years being a skivvy. If it's the latter, that is on you. How many posts do you read here about women saying I have to do this, I have to do that. No you don't. It's 2025. Victim blaming you say. So a woman who's married is automatically a victim. All the more reason to go and live on your own, which you're so good at....

Has he woken up yet Op?
Raging hangover?
Any memory of what he said last night?

It’s so selfish. Op is stuck without a support system out there.
She’s paid for the holiday and he’s wrecked it.

For what it’s worth, let him go. He wants to go and it’s all his adult life to. It’s terrifying, I know, to imagine your life without him but at the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. The relationship is over and you need to face it. Don’t give him the opportunity of the script, accept this, and every moment, without you realising it or not, you will be gathering your strength. You can create the life you really want. Live where you want, reshape it. And decide if you want the dog or not. Good luck and lots of love.

Not necessarily another woman. Could easily be a mid life crisis. My friend had the same thing - together twenty years since uni, then one day after turning 40 her partner blurted out that he didn’t think he was in love with her any more and he’d always envisioned ‘the one’ differently.

She cried a lot, then started making steps to separate their lives. House and so on. Then about a fortnight later he had a ‘WTF have I done?’ realisation and came crawling back. They married a year later and have been happy ever since.

Many sympathies, OP: using the first day - or any day - of a holiday to drop such a bombshell is a maniuplative and immature thing to do: you've spent money on this holiday and have invested emotion in looking forwards to it. His behaviour leaves you hopelessly adrift, away from home, hurting, and unable to respond appropriately, as your natural reaction (shouting, arguing, etc) will be deemed to be 'over-reacting'.

Whatever his motivation, he's behaved incredibly badly and you have absolutely nothing to berate yourself for. I wish you all the very best for the future, and you definitely deserve better.

So tough for you OP. Try to talk it out/get counselling? It’s hard to get back from what he’s said though - good luck for your future, whatever that is.

Not against the op

He got pissed
He said stuff when pissed
He passed out so op was not able to talk to him
He was snoring beside when she started thread

and she hasn’t been back since 9am so I’m hoping it was a drunken storm in a tea cup and they’re not tucking in to some mojitos

But maybe going on holiday has made him realise how he feels? Or drinking has made him blurt it all out.

Either way if it's how he feels would it be any better or any less cruel to fake it through the holiday, give OP the impression everything is perfect & then drop his bombshell when they get home? Isn't that actually worse?

I agree people need to be honest, but if you are going to blow up someone's life, the least you can do is pick a better time than on holiday. He has been very selfish to do it on a holiday she has arranged and paid for. He could have waited till they got back, he has been unhappy for a while according to him, why not wait a few more days. She has no support and is stuck with him unless she has funds to pay for a flight home.

I agree
If he had had the balls to do it beforehand they could have arranged for OP to go away with someone else (a good friend who could get the time off perhaps) to recharge without being stuck in a hotel room with this selfish lump.

Oh but no he definitely wanted the flight and paid accommodation. Talking about the future and a bigger house yet he knew “he wasn’t in love anymore” yeah right

He’s a fucking cock for doing it on the first day of the holiday.

If he has any ounce of decency he would offer to get a flight home himself rather than stay. What do you reckon? Reckon he will? Reckon he will give up his paid for “deserved” break to go home alone?

Hope OP returns to at least let us know this.

Wonder what's happened as OP hasn't been on 🧐

🍹

Oh OP,

I'm so sorry this must feel incredibly tough. While most folks are focussing on why, it actually honestly doesn't matter.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you, is passionate about being with you, feels lucky to be with you, and has the character to stick out for the long term the mature realities of a lifelong relationship. In one or all of these he is failing. And he says he's been trying for a long time and failing. So it's not like something little and short has happened for you to sit down and wait to change/ forgive. What you deserve in life is not available in this guy.

He is setting you free. Which however painful, is long term better than dragging it out until you are 50 or 60, at which point it's way harder to rebuild your life and find a new, vibrant one (possible, but much harder).

You won't be ready yet, but try to start growing a little kernel of interest in 'What next for me'..... this, in my opinion, would be far more useful than worrying about his why. If there is a place you'd like to travel that he was never interested in, or a colour in the house, or whatever..... see if you can make a little list. It can be pure fantasy for now.... but however awful it all feels now, you've actually been shown a door to a whole new life you can live.

I had a similar huge upheaval of everything I expected at 38..... it felt like a tragedy at the time, and then was plenty grieving, but three years on, I was living an incomparably happier, richer life. And ten years on now, I'm grateful every day that it happened.

I hope the same will be the case for you!

Sorry for the huge delay! You were all right - he is a cheating scumbag! Absolute twat in fact as he has only just told me tonight. Pretended since the holiday that he’d just said what he had in anger / didn’t mean it. Was going to be the best thing to happen to us in ages as now we could be open honest. Fed me some bullshit about working on us, spending time together and get everything back to how he perceived it should be.

Then tonight - find out he’s slept with a work colleague. Should have listened to the advice earlier and trusted my gut.

Oh no OP 🙁 what a betrayal

Stop asking. You'll never get the truth.

Start planning.

Don't bother trying to reconcile.

Guarantee that another woman will come out of the woodwork very soon.

And keep steely. Icily polite. He's not your friend.

I don’t know what to plan…not really! What do I do? Feel like I need an idiots guide to dealing with this.

I also deeply want revenge. Want to destroy him. Want to hurt him. All sorts of irrational things running through my mind.

I haven’t cried. It’s just anger!

If there’s someone else, they will materialise soon enough so don’t get fixated on that right now. Your focus should be on not letting him you drag you down. If you can’t face going home early, you should try and give yourself some space away from him Book yourself a new room and give yourself the space to fall apart, cry etc without being constrained by managing your emotions around his emotions especially if he’s positioning himself as the martyr.

Right now he isn’t your best friend.

I’m so sorry OP. Explains a lot. He wanted to re-write history to make himself feel better about cheating.

How did you find out? Did he confess or did you expose him?

Is he asking for you to forgive him or is he leaving?

Take care of yourself. The best revenge is having the best life that doesn’t include them.