20 years together and doesn’t love me anymore.

[Swils1009]

Hi,
I’m currently on holiday with my boyfriend of 20 years. We have been together since I was 19 (and he was 20).

Our first day here and the night has ended with him saying, ‘I have a lot of love for you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.’ He tells me that he is unhappy and has been for a while. Claims that he has been trying for a ‘long time’.

This has come out of the blue for me. I am broken and unsure what to do. He’s all I’ve known for my adult life. We have talked and agreed to try to make it work, but I know that he doesn’t want to really. He just doesn’t like me being upset.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this…just need someone to talk to I suppose...

At this stage I would get his phone, have a good look at it and take screen shots. I would book a flight back home. I would ring a discreet friend and tell them what happened and ask them to meet you once you come home.
I would ring several auctioneers and get your house valued and talk to a mortgage broker about buying him out. You need to find out where you stand in this situation.
He can't keep the house you share or expect to stay in the spare room after this holiday. I let his parents, family members and friends know what happened as well so he can go and stay with them.

See if you can buy him out and consider renting out a room to help pay the mortgage if staying in this house is important to you. If not you can look into getting a different property depending on what you can afford. Can your parents help you out financially to keep or move out of your current house? I know some parents who are financially well off and they give money to help their adult kids with housing as it was more beneficial now than after their deaths.

The reality is that he has decided to end your relationship. He could have done this sooner at home and let you have some support to deal with this. He let you spend money on this holiday and then dropped this on you. After so long together I can understand that your upset and he even mentioned moving house for a bigger garden recently - future faking.
He probably never wanted to get married or have children and you may have put aside the fact that you wanted marriage and or children to suit him. Meanwhile you could have seen your friends and family getting married and having children.

I feel that he may have another woman in the background and now has reached the stage that she wants a proper relationship. She could be younger than you and told him she wants a child. He now wants a child like the rest of his friends. Maybe he feels he has missed out on numerous girlfriends and at 40 he wants freedom to do this. After a few months he might find out that the grass is not greener elsewhere.

I know a man a few years older than him. This man rejected a friend of mine a few years ago
and she was around his age. He went out with a younger woman with numerous red flags. Within a year his new girlfriend was pregnant. My friend was very upset at the time. My friend is aware of his current situation and several other things about him, her and their child. His life has gotten very messy. My friend is so glad now that she did not end up in a relationship with him.

I know it's a horrible situation at the moment but you need to consider yourself and your future now. I know in time it gets easier for you. Good luck with getting the house sorted out.

Definitely another woman sorry @Swils1009 You were very young when you got together though, and people change loads between 19 and nearly 40. Relationships do burn out, and at least he is leaving and not continuing to cheat. (Because you can bet he has been seeing her for ages.)

Agree with the posters saying men never leave a relationship unless there's another woman, because men are cowards, and are too chicken shit, and lazy to be alone. The vast majority of men need a woman to be with them in order to survive. Someone has to do the housework, and cooking, and grunt work. and domestic chores, and life admin. 🙄

Women are far more likely to leave a relationship that they're no longer happy in with no other man to go to, as women are much braver than men, and can function perfectly well without a man.

Men often ditch the woman during a special time too (like a significant birthday, Christmas/New Year, or a big holiday.) It's to cause maximum hurt and upset. Probably so you can hate them a bit more, in the hope you'll accept the 'dumping.'

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but PLEASE don't do the 'pick me' dance. Sadly I don't think he will (pick you that is.) Sorry.

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@Swils1009 heavens!! he didnt half choose his moment, did he??? On holiday?? If I was you and had the ability to get home on my own, I would be off!!

So would I, then settle myself down with a large G + T or two and make future plans.

I wouldn't fly home. It's your break away as well.

I would be fucking furious he waited until the first day of a holiday far from support network to blurt this out.

So you come away he gets this all off his chest and you are left bewildered at what's just hit you with the whole of the holiday to go? Yes I would be furious.

But not to let time off work, presuming sunshine, what's around? Does hotel have a pool?

You need to recharge OP for return home.

So what can you do? What do you need? (Him aside)
Do you need sunshine, exercise, feed your culture, pool, book, spa day, coffee people watching, practice a language, good food?

Go and seek some of that out, leave him alone, get some space.

Nothing you can do about your relationship right now, don't talk about it, park it for return home, by all means message a friend, just don't talk to him about it.

Let him find something to do alone, he caused all this.

Any day trips you fancy?

Back off for a while. Say you need a little space. This will give you both time to sort out your feelings.

I don’t think the existence or not of an OW matters much right now. I personally think there will be and she will come out of the woodwork down the line but at the moment you just need to focus on you and the future op.

There is definitely a reason he waited until you were on holiday to tell you this!

This is complete rubbish. Not every man is a cheat

Is every person who ends a relationship bad? What is the right way to do it?

Maybe we should put together the ‘unscript’

(Although I don’t think there is a right way.)

Not on the first day of a fucking holiday, for one!

Ok that’s number 1 so

If there is someone else, which there usually is when this “love you but not in love” line is trotted out, the script advises that he’ll lie and lie and lie and some even lie when presented with concrete proof.

Keep the dog. The dog loves and worships you. Do away with the man, who doesn’t.

him saying he’s been trying for a long time probably means he’s been trying to decide between you and another woman.

as a generalisation, men don’t usually just leave a good relationship for nothing - it’s usually a head turn situation.

There are one of two things you can do… you can leave with your self respect, or can leave without it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a mid life crisis, another woman or a disappointing sex life. He has said he wants out and his motives for that will become clear in time. Right now, the only thing you know is that the relationship is over, the only thing you can control is how you react.

@Swils1009 from my experiences.. men never leave unless they have someone waiting in the wings .. my advice to you would be as hard as it is ..to hold your own and let him leave with no fuss .. one , he be surprised and it will hurt he's ego after a little while .. and six months from now he want to come back the grass is never greener .. if it's not another women he be fed up with being single ( it's never as good as they think ) you go out and have fun

Yes, after she's gotten home and had time to process. He's delivered news that has completely changed OPs life while she's totally isolated. She won't be able to properly process what's happened and what she wants to do while still on this holiday.

A friend and her husband went on holiday and , as here, on the first day he told her that he wasn’t happy blah blah . She was totally blindsided, had no idea . He swore on their DC’s lives there was no one else , he was simply unhappy .
He flew home that night .
Transpired that the OW felt that him going on a ( supposedly) romantic holiday with his wife was a step too far and threatened to tell her .

He could be doing what my ex did who also said there wasn’t another woman but there was, he was trying to say he wasn’t leaving because of the other woman he was leaving as despite 22 years together he never really wanted to get married and didn’t want to be a husband or father anymore but it was due to the other woman at all.

I assume that everyone who thinks OP should remain on holiday and enjoy the pool has never had their hearts broken or has forgotten how it feels. How can OP enjoy a holiday after a bombshell like that? As for being trapped in a hotel room together, unthinkable. OP I truly implore you to get home ASAP. You need friends/family who are on your side to help you get through this. Your partner may have been your best friend for decades but that's over now. You need other support.

I got together with my ex when we were early 20s and he broke up with me soon after turning 30. I do think there is something about these milestone birthdays which makes men look around and reassess. I still remember the almost physical pain I felt from his words. In his case it was definitely that he felt he had missed the sowing of some wild oats but I think he correctly realised we weren't really right for each other. A look at his phone revealed his attempts to flirt with a colleague who was having none of it. So no cheating as far as I know but he probably would have if he'd found someone willing.

Humiliatingly I spent a day weeping and begging but then it was like a switch turned off. I couldn't stand myself. No more pick me. It was unbearable to be stuck in a house with him so I went to stay with family where I could slowly heal. Such a difficult period but I did learn to be stronger I think. Please get a ticker home if at all possible and get some space OP.

Is it though?

Yes, absolutely.

you cannot say stuff like that and expect there not to be a foundational change.
What do you think he is expecting to happen? Maybe, he hasn’t even got that far in his thinking, but OP is the last person to owe him an emotional safety net.

“I don’t want to hurt you” is just code for “taking responsibility is a really big problem for me.”.

He has said - I have no commitment to you or to our (now former) relationship. Why on earth should OP keep the faith whilst he gets to stamp on her heart.
If she isn’t what she wants, that’s fine, but he does not get to retain any of the solaces of a relationship when he isn’t in one.

My dad left his gf of 15 years and there was no other woman, in fact ever. He remained single for the rest of his life. My son left his wife after fourteen years together and there was no other woman for about a year after. My brother left his gf after 5 years and was single for a good two years after. That's three men who are not just people I know, but family. I have been married twice and in a long term relationship and none of them cheated, I ended all of those relationships. I know men cheat but in my family at least it's not the norm.

I totally agree and cannot imagine anything worse than being stuck in a foreign country alone with a broken heart. She says she is totally shocked too and didn’t have a clue.

It’s hardly the time for sightseeing alone.

Get home quick. Good luck.

Also I read once that in prison they know the guilty ones because they sleep all night the first night. They have been caught and can sleep soundly.

I don’t know how true that is but unless he was extremely drunk, you would think he would be bothered enough to have a restless night if he was uncertain.

@Swils1009 He has saved you the heartache of trying to figure out what is wrong by being straight up with you.

Albeit very painful, you know what you need to know now.

Time to think practically about how you move forward from here. Sorry you are going through this OP, you will get through this.

That's all very well but if women are so brilliant at being on their own, why are they choosing to be with men who apparently just want someone to do all the grunt work, household chores, admin - all the things you've listed. Do you have no agency in your own life? Why would you choose that and why would you put up with this? I'll never understand this? It comes up so many times on this site. What on earth is in it for you as a woman?