Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

Oh leave him. Life’s too short for this shit.

(Sounds flippant, is serious)

when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times

Oh, well in that case...

This is your children's whole lives. All they'll have ever known.

I just want him to go back to normal!

This is his normal.

You have a choice. They don't.

This is abuse. Hitting inanimate objects in a rage is abuse.

He needs to leave and if he doesn't get help for his issues then it should be permanent. You shouldn't have kids around this.

This is abuse and you don’t have to put up with it

You wouldn't let a toddler behave like that so why are you putting up with it from your Husband? It's not something I would live with.

You cannot let your children grow up with this. You really can't. They must feel so insecure.

I had a mother who would do this. Either in the same way that your husband does, or by refusing to speak to us for days. Always over nothing.

I'm nearly 70, and still damaged by her.

Please leave this man. It's not good enough to be great some of the time. My mum was too. But my brother and I were constantly waiting for the next time she'd blow up over something entirely innocuous, and worried that it might be one of us that said or did the innocent thing that caused it.

I think because of the classic line that people say of, oh he said he would change. Around my family or out with people he is completely normal. He just has these rants about the most minuscule things and can’t seem to see what a massive overreaction it is

What a wonderful role model for your children, a tantrum throwing adult man.

You have a choice re your husband, your children do not.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy, you do yourself no favours by keeping this quiet to your family and friends. However, you have taken a small but important step by writing about this on here.

What do you mean you do not want to leave him?. What he is also showing you here is the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. This is his normal, who he really is. Of course he can control himself around people in the outside world, it is for you people as his family his abuse is aimed at. The image of being all sweetness and light to outsiders is that important to abusive men like your H. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you not receive the memo stating the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children also do not warrant seeing their mother receive such abusive treatment. This must not become the cornerstone of their childhoods.

You either have no idea because it's always been like it is, or have forgotten, what a normal well-adjusted relationship is like. In our house (I think we're possibly reasonably normal 😁) I can't remember the last time DH or I shouted about anything. We don't huff and don't go on and on with blame. We never row or swear at each other infront of the DC. I am not saying we're perfect- we have irritations and little spats/ niggles, drive each other mad at times but nothing, ever, like you describe.
You shouldn't have to live like this. It's terrible and your children will remember it. It is unbalanced, irrational and abusive.
Make him leave and divorce him. If he threatens to harm himself, it's his choice, not your fault.

So he can control himself with other people. He chooses not to with you. He is abusive.

... And in addition to this, your children might well learn from him that this is the way to deal with stress. And before you know it you'll have teenagers who are abusive to you.

Thank you, I do totally get it. It’s just the reality of it and actually getting him out the house. Ideally I’d want him to suddenly see sense, see how wrong his behaviour is, come back and be normal but he can’t see it at all.

He’s still not came back, but he has left on his terms as if I have somehow done something wrong

How horrible that he can keep it together in front of other people or at work, but brings all this nasty energy home to you and your children.

It sounds like it’s happening every couple of days - most people get grumpy sometimes but that is pretty frequent.

Your best course of action here is indeed to divorce him. Staying with him will affect your children markedly and you really will become a shadow of your former self. That process of him beating you down into submission is ongoing and your own recovery from his abuse has not yet started.

Are you worried he would refuse to leave the house? Are you scared he would hurt you?

I think.really you need to sit him down and tell him you need to separate because you cant continue to live in and expose your children to an abusive relationship.

I would tell him you can't see the relationship lasting for the next 30 years stretching ahead to old age, or even the next 5 years, if he stays so angry all the time - and that makes you sad because you know deep down he is a decent person, but it's obvious that he is struggling, and he needs to go to see his GP, refer himself for counselling, or accept that his marriage is going to end.

Hi, people can slowly fall into health problems without realising and getting frustrated with the change in feeling or reaction to small things. Get him to the doctors for a blood test to check levels, including sugar and thyroid.

I think the days of no/under reacting need to stop! You tell him straight, loud and clear, he is behaving like a toddler, and you and your children will not tolerate it anymore.
He gets help (if that would make a difference) or he gets out!

Or you could interpret it differently: he spends all day masking and it overflows where he feels safe, at home. It has nothing to do with having an effect on OP at all.

Zoe

re your comments in quotemarks

"Ideally I’d want him to suddenly see sense, see how wrong his behaviour is, come back and be normal but he can’t see it at all".

He will never believe that he is abusive and feels he has done nothing wrong here when it comes to you. This is his normal and always has been. He likely grew up seeing abuse between parents but it's a reason, not an excuse or justification for how he acts now.

Abuse often creeps up on people unawares and over time. They certainly do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead.

"He’s still not came back, but he has left on his terms as if I have somehow done something wrong"

I'd leave him to it. By doing this he is punishing you for some imagined transgression in his head.

I did this maybe a year or so ago and he accepted it and phoned the GP. He got a telephone appointment and supposedly told them his ‘symptoms’ but was told they didn’t do anything for that.

I have no idea if that is true but I told him to pay privately for help and he just went back to being nice then by the time he was having another huff it was long forgotten

Yes, mention it to friends and family. Shine a light on his nasty behaviour.

He is clearly not interested in wanting any help or counselling. He really does think he is doing nothing wrong here re you people as his family. He will destroy you all emotionally if you stay with him, that is a dead cert.

How helpful do you think your family will be if you told them the truth about him?. At the very least I would urge you to contact Womens Aid when he is out of the house.

There's no excuse to take his anger out on his wife and children. It's his problem to deal with, but he doesn't seem to want to address it.