Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

This is no way to live. It’s abuse really because it sounds frightening. Can you insist on counseling or else?

Tell him he clearly needs help and his behaviour is not acceptable. Not good enough for you and the children. You are not putting up with it. Make plans to leave.

He won’t suddenly improve or realise the error of his ways but that’s not your fault. It’s not your job to fix him. it’s not as if you haven’t been patient and tried and supported him and covered for him domestically. It will never end. You can’t fix him He can try and fix himself and try and win you back but doesn’t sound likely. If he destroys himself that’s not your fault.

No. He can control himself- that's the point. He is choosing where he doesn't and inflicts that appalling behaviour on his wife and children by choice.

He can indeed control himself outside the home. He certainly is all sweetness and light to his work colleagues. Abusive men can also be quite plausible to outsiders.

Abuse is not a relationship issue.

Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it's about power and control.

Street angel, house devil are the words that spring to mind re this man.

If he’s able to contain himself at work and around friends/family outside the home, he’s choosing to behave like this in the home.

When it comes to changing how another adult you live with acts you have very few levers to use. You can ask, and you can leave.

You've tried the first one. If you aren't prepared to leave you're stuck.

If you're prepared to leave, I would prep to leave and next time he does it just tell you can't be around him any more until he changes and go. Keep communication open. If he gets help you can go back.

It may be that he will put more effort into changing if he really thinks he will lose you. It may not. So a game of brinkmanship over it is really risky.

If you aren't prepared to leave you should probably just come to terms with him being like this. You could just ignore it (sounds like that's what you're doing?) but your DC is seeing it and that's probably pretty damaging for them. Maybe walk out (taking DC with you) each time and refuse to be around it. But, to be honest, I think that's still a pretty crappy environment for a child, especially if it's more than once in a blue moon.

An alternative that you don't sound ready for but would probably be better for you and DC is to realise that he isn't prioritising the two of you and to just leave anyway. Not as a way to get him to change but because you shouldn't live with someone who doesn't love you enough to try and tackle such a destructive and harmful behaviour.

OP, I'm married to a guy like this- he's always been a bit volatile but now at 60 it's very noticeable- I do feel like the whipping post for all his frustrations in life be it traffic queues, others crappy driving, work pressures, money stuff, politics, health things , house stuff - luckily though we haven't had our son at home for 9 years.

In between these often daily episodes he's a funny, witty , very intelligent man , but just doesn't seem to have an 'off' button when he is frustrated

At one point our son when in his early 20s sent a family WhatsApp saying 'dad, the way you speak to mum sometimes totally sucks' - I felt both sad and embarrassed

Personally OP I would assess your personal circumstances- mine are complicated as we don't own a house and work together and with no kids at home I wouldn't get maintenance either.- I would as they say 'consider your options' my own view is if it's actually part of their personality rather than a medical reason then they don't get better -

Emotional disregulation is not an excuse for using your loved ones as metaphorical punching bags. He's not a child and OP isn't his parent with a responsibility for providing him with a place to let his emotions overflow until he can learn to handle things better. He's an adult who has responsiblity for the home being a safe place for his wife and child. If he isn't up to that, he is not ready to have a wife and child.

I would secretly video him for future evidence, even if it's to remind yourself how bad he was.
You know you have to leave him right?

It also doesn't matter if he doesn't see it as a problem (or pretends that it isn't a problem) you do not need his acquiescence in order to split with him. At the very least, start putting some plans into place, OP. You and your children are being abused.

Your poor kids, they're going to have anxious attachments if their dad gives love one moment and rages in another. This is abuse.

He came back, now in a completely calm state (as he usually is once the kids bedtime is over), sitting down to eat his crisps and drink his wine like nothing happened and I walked in and said he needed to leave. He didn’t even do much arguing back, he could tell I was serious. He immediately started saying it’s just stress and he’s so stressed with work, money etc. He’s spent half an hour asking where he’s to go and has he to go and spend a fortune on a hotel. I’ve said it’s not really my issue so he’s away.

Thank you for all your support, you’re reassured me that my thoughts were completely rational

Thing is, he can control himself, or he wouldn't have a job, or friends, or extended family who speak to him.

He chooses not to when at home because he feels safe that you won't leave.

I dragged my (very similar) ex to the GP in desperation once, because I wanted to believe it was depression/mental illness/that he couldn't help it. He put on an Oscar winning act of the baffled, mild mannered guy who "might have come home a bit grumpy once or twice". Despite the fact that I'd written to the GP first, (been told that it sounded like he needed a lot of help, get him to the surgery, I'll do the rest) the doctor believed him, told me I was overreacting, this wasn't mental illness or he wouldn't be able to turn it off and on. He smirked at me when we got outside, said "told you it's not ME with the problem" and I felt an inch tall. Thought I'd used up my only chance to be heard/get him help.

I eventually started reading up on "how to help an angry husband", (Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? and many more). It took me AGES to work out that this was abuse and my situation fitted perfectly with narcissistic abuse as I learned more.

My teenage daughter eventually confronted me and asked wtf I stayed - after a PHSE lesson on abusive relationships turned on a light bulb for her. I got the shock of my life, I had thought I was doing a great job of being a buffer and my DC weren't being badly affected.

I was wrong. So much has come out since we left that I wasn't aware of and it's heartbreaking. Don't be me. It took 7 years from that GP appointment to actually leaving.

This behaviour from your husband is not OK. There may or may not be reasons for it, but don't tie yourself in knots looking for them. They are NOT excuses.

Sorry, cross posted with your update. Good for you!!!!

This time you repeat the request and ask him to seek help with anger management specifically. Let him know it's not optional if he wants to continue the marriage, and you set a time limit.
If he does nothing again, then when the time is up, you start the process to leave him.

Obviously, if you are not willing to follow through with the consequences, don't make the ultimatum in the first place.

At the moment, he doesn't have any motivation to change his attitude.

@Zoe141 I walked in and said he needed to leave. best thing all round for you and your children. none of you need this abuse. he can go wherever and please note that HE left when he was angry. the woman never gets to leave when they are angry. the women think of the kids whereas the men think of themselves only!

Good for you! 👏 👏

What springs to mind is a pathetic, angry piece of 💩 with issues.
No way would I have that in my home.

I would arrange a time to talk ideally in public. Tell him you are giving him 6 months to sort himself out- counselling, anger management classes, gp. His choice how he navigates it and you will support him (but not dictate what or how he does it) if he chooses not to in 6 months the relationship is over permanently.

If he wants to change this should be enough of a kick up the bum. Don't bring it up again but do support/facilitate any positive steps he takes. Don't throw it in his face if he loses his rag or threaten him with it.

In 6 months if he has taken 0 steps you have your answer this is him for the rest of his life. You can choose to accept that and stay with him or you can walk away.

We've been through a lot of phases of similar behaviour with my DH. I wanted to send a message of support. I guess that your DH probably fully knows that he is being horrible - this is why he is able to control the rage outside of the family. I pondered leaving.

Is there anyone else who can speak to him about it? Another family member or friend? For us the turning point was my SIL and BIL being here when DH lost the plot and swore at all of us. Their utter disgust was way more powerful than anything I could communicate to him and shocked him into taking a look at himself.

Leave, or this is your life forever.

My mother married a man like this when I was a kid. I spent a large part of my childhood waiting for him to flip, like waiting for a balloon to pop the whole time. It was literal torture. It’s left me with crippling anxiety, and I no longer speak to my mother because I simply can’t forgive her for not protecting me from that. You may come to regret staying with this man.

OP isn’t responsible for providing him with a safe place to express himself but he is responsible for providing OP with a safe place. Okay.

Emotional dysregulation isn’t desirable for anyone, but I would be more supportive where poor mental health is a concern. Speaking from experience of living with someone like OP’s husband. The disregulation was closely linked to the state of his mental health and had absolutely nothing to do with using me as a metaphorical punchbag.

You can choose to support your partner or not. But don’t label it abuse to give yourself an easy out.

He doesn’t need help, counselling or the gp. He needs the police, or a big burly male neighbour to tell him to shut his fucking mouth.

Also, call womens aid. Brilliant placefor support. Myexh was like this. I left as he was frightening us in our own home.... now we live in peace.
Think of that, that peace you could have too.
Raise your boundaries.