Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

He will never change. My ex was explosive like this, and I stupidly tolerated it until one night he was standing over me with a machete. It escalates. Time for a divorce.

This is typical of dysphoric elation in bipolar affective disorder and if so, can only be dealt with using medication.

Are you prepared to spend every Christmas alone, just you and him when your kids have left home?

Because there's no way they will be coming back to visit if their childhood is filled with verbal abuse and they won't want their kids around it either.

Is this man (who can only barely manage to control his rage for 24hrs) worth your children's long term mental health and your relationships with them?

Also children raised in homes like yours are much more likely to be revictimised by choosing similar partners.

Both are responsible for being safe for each other and their children to be around - first, do no harm.

Neither are obliged to suffer being repeatedly on the blunt end of the other's strong emotions if said strong emotions are damaging to them.

He could join a gym and sweat it out with a literal punch bag. He could get therapy to talk it through with a therapist. Or go to a range room for catharsis or whatever. But he has no right to frighten his wife and children every 2nd or 3rd day, no matter what the cause is.

Presumably you tell all friends and family about his behavior and aren't keeping it a secret? After all he ' doesn't care'
Suggest you record him and have ot as evidence

He chooses to treat you and the kids like this. You can choose not to put up with it . You don't need his permission.

Tell him when all is calm you won't be putting up with his clearly uncontrollable rages anymore, and next time he starts you're going to call someone - parents, brother- who are all aware of his behind closed doors fuckwitterry

It would scare me. You seem immune to his anger. Your dc must be terrified of the Ogre in their house.

Can you film a couple of tantrums on your phone without hom knowing? It might help to show them to someone outside of the family.

I don't often comment but I didn't want to read and run. I can really relate to a lot of what you've described OP. My husband used to get outbursts like this and then take himself out, I'd shakily pick up the pieces and then he'd return normal like nothing had happened.

It took a couple of tries to have a calm big talk where he didn't blow up and walk out but we got there. I told him the effects of how it was making me ill at the end of the day and how things were at home after he'd walk out with our little ones. We eventually did some research together and came across post-coital dysphoria. PCD. I had no idea it was an actual thing! All I knew what was he was like afterwards, and well.....all the symptoms were there. He sought help and began to look after himself better and gave himself to process and think about things properly.

It really helped us and for years now he hasn't had these outbursts and fits of rage that used to come from "nowhere". Well, I guess that's not quite true. It does come from somewhere. This was our case. At the end of the day, (dont get me wrong mumsnetters, ive seen my fair share of abusive relationships) men are just the same as us. We sometimes just want a hug and somewhere safe to come and to be looked after. I'm not saying put up with bad behaviour, but you get what I mean. A hug goes a long way when the world feels out of whack.

Hope this helps x

Omg! Deep down you know you cannot live like this. You will have a nervous breakdown walking on eggshells all the time. Your poor children. Enough is enough, if you cant find the strength to leave him, do it for your kids. You also shouldn't be hiding his behaviour, that alone will cause you immense stress. You need to be there for your kids, not ending up a jibbering wreck because of his vile behaviour. Some people cant be helped, dont waste any more time on him. The times he is nice does NOT make up for the awful times. See sense soon..........

@Bravemama What it really boils down to is that the person who is having the mood swings needs to take responsibility for their behavior and get help if they need it. That's what I had to do and that's what your DH did.

@Zoe141

OK, he's gone. Good! Do you have a chain you can put on or leave your key in the lock so he can't walk back in in the middle of the night?

You do need to be prepared for him to come back tomorrow. He may have left 'easily' but that's probably only because he thinks you're 'upset' and will 'be over it' by tomorrow. So make a plan.

Seek support IRL. Call your folks or your BFF and tell them the truth. Let them support you. Make it all 'real' so you don't back down.

You can do this.

When he tells you it is 'stress' and he 'can't help it'... consider whether he behaves like this at work etc.

If he saves his temper for you and the children, then he is able to control it... This is a choice he is making. This is not love.

He’s clearly very stressed and needs empathy and support.

But he must recognise how damaging his behaviour is to you and the children and seek therapy to regulate it. If he hasn’t yet done that, it’s the very first step. If he can an avoid outbursts in front of other people, he can do it for his kids and their mother.

So he can be great “for a whole day or two at a time”
You are saying he’s great when he’s in a good mood for this truly minuscule amount of time….and for at a guess 4 or 5 days out of 7 he’s a raving, ranting abusive, and to the children, a frightening individual. How utterly awful to live with someone like this, especially for your children who don’t have a choice.

Please, get him professional help, or pack bags for yourself and the children asap and leave.

I read now he’s gone, there’s sure to be more to this saga to come, but for now you and the children have peace. Enjoy it, relish it as this is what it will be like without him around. Well done.

Please, get him professional help, or pack bags for yourself and the children asap and leave.

@Onthemaintrunkline The only person who can change his behavior is him, though, he needs to get himself help.

My exH was like this. It was terrible. I've known other people like this, too. ExH was noticeably better after he started taking anti-depressants.

Sometimes anti-depressants can help regulate people's moods as well as treat depression. I'm on them because of bereavement, but they've really helped smooth out my moods and emotional over-reactions to things, too. I didn't realise how unregulated I was until I started taking them. They really help me to keep my perspective.

I remember regretting my intense reactions to things when I was unmedicated, because it hurt people and damaged my relationships. It's really nice not having that in my life now.

Maybe suggest that your DH makes a trip to the GP? It probably isn't nice for him feeling so annoyed so much, either.

There is someone else on his mind and it’s not you. He’s pissed bc he thinks you tricked him into having children and now he’s stuck. Please , if you can find a way to get away from him. Do it as fast as you can. It doesn’t get better.

@ThisFluentBiscuit

He doesn't behave like this at work and he can keep a lid on it when he's with others at social events. Depression is unlikely.

Sorry but I’m going to be brutal. What sort of role model parents are you? Him for acting like a petulant child and you for just putting up with it. How are you going to feel if your son acts like this to his wife when he grows up and your daughter acts like you because that’s exactly what you are teaching them as parents? Children learn how to behave from their parents behaviour and he acts like because you let him.

OP, you have to go to the appointment with him. You must insist that you do. People who are living in this midst of this depression/mood-regulation problem can't see it for what it is, and they don't accurately self-report. They minimise. I'm experienced with this, having lived for many years with a husband who had serious depression, and having got help for him. I knew that he was not able to accurately report and I insisted on being there for at least part of the initial appointments, one with a psychiatrist and one with his counsellor. The doctor needs to know the truth and the severity.

You need to tell the medical professionals that your husband has severely dysregulated moods. In my experience with this illness, it's exactly the kind of thing that meds work well to smooth out.

For the sake of your marriage, your kids, and your husband's own sake, you must insist on the two of you going to the doctor's together. Meds made a massive difference in my husband. Maybe they're the right things for yours, too - although obviously, the doctor is the one to make that judgement.

Also, know that depression often presents quite differently in men and women. In men, it often manifests as anger.

It's not normal for moods to be as dysregulated as his. He needs help.

I disagree. I lived for years with a husband who had serious depression, eventually diagnosed and treated by a psychiatrist, and he was able to keep his job - although, admittedly, it did cause him some problems at work. It also helped that he has a lot of natural talent at what he does. He ended up on high doses of two different anti-depressants, one morning and one night. Before the meds, he was writing gobbledegook on Facebook. It was really bad.

He really needed his job, so he was just about able to keep a lid on it, but that took its toll on him. And just because OP's work hasn't been affected yet, doesn't mean it won't be in the future, if he's put under enough work stress. My husband is now 56, and his depression got worse as he got older. Maybe OP's husband is younger and less overtly ill for now.

My dad also had quite bad depression, unmedicated, and he also kept his job. He was awful to be around at home, though.

I grew up in a household like this. My take is that it was like living in a war zone. You never knew when the mood would change in a heartbeat. Children have no power at all. My siblings and I are all damaged. And to enhance the stress, we were always forbidden to mention anything outside the house - “it’s family business”. For the child me, it’s irrelevant what the adult was dealing with. I wish I had a childhood that was psychologically safe. I see you’ve taken the first step to protect your children, keep thinking of their welfare.

I know people think it is significant that he can control himself at work and in public, but to me that sounds more like he masks when he's at work and then unmasks when he gets home and that's when all his frustration comes out. This is common with stressed and depressed people (and ND people). And if it is mental health-related, it means it can be worked on. But he needs to do that. He can't just continue exploding like that around his children.

But I’m guessing you were just being sarcastic and hadn’t thought through the consequences of getting sacked.

Perhaps the OP’s husband hasn’t thought through the consequences of getting sacked from his relationship.

If he is stressed at work and masking, there are many healthy ways he can deal with his frustration, none of which involve acting abusively around or toward his family.

He can book therapy sessions. He can have a good old scream in the car on the way home alone. He can look for another job. He can take up kickboxing if he needs a literal punching bag to work out his frustrations on. He can learn meditation to help him self-regulate. He can go for a walk or a run.

There is no excuse for stomping around and shouting and slamming doors at home. I understand that people get frustrated and reach their limit at times but anyone who has got to this point should recognise it as a sign they are not coping and they urgently need to change their situation or find better coping strategies. And also that they need to do a lot of proactive and sincere apologizing.

I loathe the idea that people “unmask” their stress at home where it is “safe” to do so. Safe for whom?! Not the people being vented on!

”Safe” in this context generally just means “where I hold a much greater position of power and the people who I’m acting on do not have immediate power to stop me from acting abusively”.