Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

@Zoe141 Well done for telling him to go. It must have been a hard thing to do. I hope you're doing ok this morning.

From my experience he won't change, at least not permanently. My H is exactly the same - unpredictably angry at the smallest things. Lots of the time he's fine though, and I've spent years trying to get that straight in my head.

It's been bad again recently. But even so I'm still struggling with the reality that the only solution is that I have to try to get him to go.

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/?gad_source=1

Please read this.

Use a device to which your husband does not have access/change the PIN.

Tell at least one friend or family member.

Pack a bag for you and the kids. Put important documents in it. Make sure you have access to money not in a shared account.

You do not have to do anything immediately, but forewarned is forearmed.

You can love someone but know you can't expose the children to it, or yourself for that matter.

Also if it is rage related to his life situation and work, he needs to change that. But only he can do that. Is there a reason he can't change his job?

Ah sorry, didn't read the update.

I could not live like that . You have my sympathy OP because if he won't get help I'm not sure what the answer is other than to leave. It's not the right environment for your kids either .

So he can control it he just chooses not to when it's you or the DC?

This is horrible for the DC and he sounds exhausting and pathetic. What grown person flips about the hot water not working briefly. If you stay he will get worse and then you'll be lumbered.

Well done. He won't get any better- he doesn't want to change and he's still excusing it as if it's ok for him to treat you like that because he feels stressed. Also him making what he does when he leaves your problem. You are well rid - you shouldn't have to put up with that.
Be prepared for drama in the next few days/weeks, followed by despair and apologies- but he won't change.

He won't go easily.
Expect threats, nastiness, abuse, pleading, tears, and the threats to self harm.

Contact his family and the police the minute he threatens to self harm.

Tell them that he was told to leave because of his abuse of his children and you and now he is threatening to self harm.

They are well used to scum like him.

Telling your children to tell their teachers that dad is horrible to them snd mummy will trigger SS involvement as they are mandated to report.

It is surprisingly effective.

My father was like this growing up.

Both my sister and I have had abusive relationships since. She had really difficult teen years, dabbled with drugs, self harm, alcohol etc. I suffered with disordered eating.

I have very low self esteem.

My relationship with my dad is not great, I see him, and I'm polite to him, but I don't trust him. As he's got older, these tantrums have become more visible to others. I keep a distance.

By my mum staying with him, she was teaching us that this is acceptable behaviour. It takes a long time to teach myself otherwise.

This, absolutely. The potential damage of allowing this to happen extends way beyond the here and now. It wasn’t my job, as a 10 year old girl, to form part of a safe space for an emotionally under-skilled, grown man to vent his ‘disregulation’. Staying in these situations teaches kids, and especially young girls who are typically conditioned to assume a caring role anyway, that they should deprioritise their own mental health for the sake of others. Well sod that.

DH needs to talk to a professional.
Does he have hypertention, high blood pressure?
He needs to recognise and regulate his emotions to behave in a socially acceptable manner.
He should let a counsellor work with him and take the problem seriously enough to get practical help.

When did people start calling abuse emotional disregulation? He’s not a toddler who needs gentle parenting.

Abusive men don’t need counselling, support or help from the gp. It’s not an illness and doesn’t require medical treatment. He doesn’t do it to anyone else so it’s a choice. Words like “safe space” can be replaced with mug. He wouldn’t dare treat anyone else this way.

Men like this need boundaries and harsh consequences like the police and the divorce court.

Same here, and I went on to marry a man very similar. It has taken me until post-50 to find a peaceful living situation - that is, alone.

It is truly terrible for a child to live with a man with a bad temper. It's a major reason I didn't have kids with my exH.

I'm so, so sick of men and their tempers. The amount of women and children who live with unpredictable shouting, ranting, raving men is utterly appalling. Do they seriously think it's attractive? They're all giant little man-babies. Decent, mature men do not act like that. Decent, mature men are stable, reliable, and do not scare women and children. Men who behave like this do not deserve wives and children.

@Zoe141

"I really wish he would give himself a shake, which hopefully he’s away to do"

OP, please listen. He won't "give himself a shake". He'll never change, except perhaps for a few days. If you take him back expecting a new person you are going to be a very disappointed woman. You've only got one life, don't spend it being his emotional punchbag.

My mum was like this I spent my whole childhood being scared of her and did not want to live there my dad turned a blind eye don’t be like that

It's not just a man thing. Several of us have said that we grew up with mothers like this, and are damaged as a result.

I had to learn how to parent from my MIL. She and my mum were chalk and cheese. I never once saw her get angry or be in a mood. I miss her every day.

It’s depressing how many people are saying that someone behaving badly won’t change. I completely accept that many won’t, but I did and so did @Bravemama’s DH. If it’s a genuine mental health issue, I do believe that people can change if they take responsibility for their problems and accept help.

The onus is on the OP’s DH to get the help he needs and address his problems. It can done if he’s willing to change.

I had a mother like this as well. It was like living with a ticking bomb. It wasn't a case of if she'd explode, but when. It was always simmering and anything could set her off.

Ruined my life. I'll never live with anyone as I couldn't have my home affected by someone else's moods again. It's a lonely life but it's calm.

How are you doing @Zoe141?

Aware men like our DHs often show initial contrition - before soon seeming to forget there was ever an issue...

So you know he can control himself. He chooses not to around you and the kids because he doesn’t care about your feelings. Does that make it clearer to you. He doesn’t give a shit about you or the kids. If he did, he would control himself.

My father was like this.
He ruined every happy occasion with his moods and bad temper.
I walked on eggshells and had IBS from the stress.

I cut him off completely in my mid 20's and my mother who had accepted his bullying treatment of me, while able to defend herself.

They are both dead and we never had contact again.
They never got to meet my children.
That was their legacy, children who never came home.
That stung them in their very, very MC circle.

Okay thank you. He is back staying in the house but has been to meet a counsellor yesterday and has his first session next week. He seems to have accepted that he very much needs help to get out of this depressing negative cycle of just having rants about everything in his life. It does sound like some kind of dysregulated mood disorder as others had suggested.

I have told my family he’s going to counselling too. If he in any way starts his negative spiral I’ve said he has to stop or leave the room immediately. I’m hoping the counselling works although it kind of sounds like medication for his mood alongside it would have been best but will see what they think. Now it’s been addressed if it doesn’t work and he crosses the line again he will have to leave but I’m glad I’ve made a stand to get the ball rolling finally

That’s a good first step, @Zoe141. You’ll soon know if he’s serious about addressing his issues, he’ll accept help if he is.

I agree that medication may be the best way forward. I needed it to overcome my anxiety and I felt better within three weeks. My dose was lowered to a 10mg maintenance dose after a few months so he mustn’t fret about taking medicine, sometimes we need it.