Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

I feel your pain cos I have a similar one at home! You’re right, basically it stems from depression and general anxiety and not being able to control things.There’s no easy answer, especially if he won’t see a GP.Which sucks as medication may really help to keep calm.
You could try a talk about that when he’s in a good mood and say that the situation is bad for you and especially bad for the children and he just has to seek help.In your case it may work, I hope so.

Apologies as I didn’t see the later posts before my comment, and it seems that he is addressing things.😃

He really enjoys indulging himself with his rants and raves, doesn't he?

Glad there's been some progress @Zoe141 - after see your last post I did some googling and came across something called intermittent explosive disorder. All looked very familiar.

Also watched Breeders with Martin Freeman. DD found that - see an angry dad in action...

Push for him to see the GP and get medication.

You’re in a stronger position right now as he has to behave or leave. Pressure him to set everything up including medication with GP. Personally I’d sit through the GP appointment with him and explain DH is making family life hell with huge tantrums and is not managing normal life and your marriage will end for yours and the kids sakes if there’s isn’t a meaningful long term change.

I’d also start telling his family and friends that he’s in an awful state at home and making life unbearable for you and the kids.

Hey OP how’s it going? My husband is EXACTLY how you describe.
I’ve seen a PP describe it as neurotic and googled it and he definitely is. Huffing and puffing over anything minor (too many cereal boxes in the cupboard, can’t find the bread in the freezer because it’s too full (same!!) too many coats on the coat rack), everything is a rant and my fault. He has anxiety and depression takes medication on and off but thinks he’s fine.

Blows up over the most minor things. I absorb all his stress and explosions, it’s draining me.

Hows it going in your household?

@Waterlilysunset me too! I was ranted at yesterday for not cleaning out the air fryer as regularly as it needs doing and it’s a fire risk - day before it was not resealing the cheese packet properly. As you say it gets wearing - I start to glaze over somewhat these days

When he is not in a rage I would tell him how massively unattractive and inappropriate it is for a grown man to rage like a toddler over minor things. That at the moment you don't want to leave him but eventually you might and he needs to get help or accept you will no longer be there as he is a being a massive twat and poor influence on your children. I would also say whilst you want him to be comfortable in his own home that is not an excuse to be a total imbecile and as you know he can control himself at work and with friends - he cannot treat the people he lives with so shoddily.

Sorry - didn't read all your updates and it won't let me delete it.

Would highly recommend Patricia Evans' books - especially this one

www.simonandschuster.co.uk/books/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third-Edition/Patricia-Evans/9781440510106

It felt like she'd seen inside my relationship, especially the chapter about anger issues.

Basically, it’s never about the air fryer or the coat rack (or my DH's last one - the cat escaping and hiding pre vet visit).

It's all about them - and they vent their insecurities stress at us to make themselves feel better.

Youre walking on egg shells. I doubt he will change. You cant live like this

Aww sending you a hug, hope things are okay. I’d say it’s going better than it was when I wrote this anyway. He is seeing a counsellor now every second week which seems to be a reminder to him as he goes to start his rants now that he’s not to have them. I have no idea what he talks about at his sessions but I try not to ask and just let him go to them if they’re helping. Nothing majorly stressful has really came up though, not sure how he’d cope when it next does!

There is no excuse for abusive behavior - but there might be an explanation: try googling dysphoric elation and see whether it rings true. I volunteer with a national mental health charity and your husbands profile is v familiar . Good Luck!