Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

"I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously"
Would you want to know if your friend was going thro this?
He is responsible for his behaviour including the consequences of people knowing, and the consequence of losing his family. That's not your responsibility to keep it secret or to keep you all together, whatever the cost.

Not saying that we shouldn't keep our partner's confidence. This is nothing like disclosing a secret shared in a moment of vulnerability.

Being nice is part of the pattern. They know just how much they can get away with

I already feel so much more relaxed and he’s only just left. Not in terms of me ever being fearful, I’m not as he’s not physically doing anything but it’s just the constant drama and storming about like an overgrown 2 year old. I was really getting nothing from the relationship in the state it has been in. I really loved him before and he was great to be around at one point but it was when I went to get a valentines card on Thursday night, I stood looking at them and thinking how odd that people are buying this for someone they love. I was just blankly looking at them like what’s the most mild, nothingy one I can pick. I just feel numb towards him because I really wish he would give himself a shake, which hopefully he’s away to do

I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off

I think you should. The fact you think they would write him off speaks volumes.

I have ADHD and I know how hard it is to experience emotional dysregulation, but the primary concern needs to be the safety of the children - little children really can't be around violent outbursts all the time. It is incredibly frightening and traumatic for them.

If OP chooses to support her husband through seeking help etc he can still protect the DC by being elsewhere.

Around my family or out with people he is completely normal. He just has these rants about the most minuscule things and can’t seem to see what a massive overreaction it is

So one is an act (or a lie). Which is it?

OP, I’m going to be blunt here. Your husband is not going to change and counselling isn’t going to help him. He isn’t unwell; he’s simply a prick. He doesn’t behave like this around other people because he knows they wouldn’t put up with it. He does it around you because you do put up with it and he’s complacent.

My abusive ex partner behaved exactly like this.

Was he always like this? Or did he change after you decided to have children?

If I was in your position I wouldn’t stand for that and would leave. But only you can decide how you want to live the rest of your life.

And yet my DH behaved like this for a period of time while recovering from mental health problems which resulted in a suicide attempt. Now his MH has improved, the emotional outbursts have stopped. So your bluntness is quite possibly misplaced. Not all MH problems present in a way that is socially acceptable.

Welldone you....you've been so strong and put your precious children and the emotional welfare of them and you first.That is really commendable and mustn't have been easy.
They need to see you telling him this is unacceptable to realise they must never accept the same when they grow up.

I spent years with a man like this. It wrecked me and our child.
The lingering issues we both have are something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

I promise you he will never change. Don't put yourself and more importantly your kids through it.

Let's not have PPs excusing this cunt as having ADHD etc, he doesn't behave like this at work or in front of other people , so he chooses to behave like this at home.

Perhaps he could express his emotional dysregulation at work and get it out of his system so his family aren’t treading on eggshells?

Your husband is not having meltdowns, he’s having tantrums.

oh so he CAN control it then? massive red flag!

I really wish he would give himself a shake, which hopefully he’s away to do
Sadly I think its very unlikely he is giving himself a shake. I think it is much likelier that he thinks he is givingyou a shake and is waiting for you to apologise (even though it is him who has done wrong) and for you to beg him to come back . Don't let him back, he will just see that as a licence to behave even worse in future. Stay strong. He is an arsehole and he possibly even gets off on throwing his weight around and intimidating you all. Deeply inadequate.

Well done op. Your children deserve a home free from adult shouting and rage. I am not sure he will get a grip, even though he obviously can when others are around it doesn’t seem highly likely he will be able to control himself when it’s just you and the kids, so keep focus on planning the way forward, not waiting for him to change.

My greatest wish for you is that he doesn’t come back. Cruel, disgusting man.

Well talk to friends and family. You need support and advice. Time to open up.

Sounds like his resilience is low due to depression. I’d give him an ultimation, either he gets medication from the Gp to help his low mood or he moves out

Do you live in an alternate universe? Because that’s not how this one works. We bottle everything up at work so we keep our jobs and our incomes.

If giving up work is an option OP could suggest that he takes some time out to work on his MH and she’ll carry the financial load for a while.

But I’m guessing you were just being sarcastic and hadn’t thought through the consequences of getting sacked.

Sounds like he's a good candidate for some therapy.

I’d also talk to his family and his friends, explaining that you’re concerned about his mental health, he’s low and reactive, he needs professional input and general support.

Also should start hunting for new jobs

My husband has got worse with age but can behave in front of friends. However, our married sons and their wives have seen more of it recently. He doesn't hit inanimate objects or throw anything. It's the shouting that gets to me. He does I think have ADHD. He's peed off that he's slowing down, has aches and pains, can't do as much as he once did.

So I'm really not sure that they can ever really change.

My ex was like this, everyone said he was a gentle giant, wouldn't hurt a fly etc... but they never saw him kick a table over when he stubbed his toe or punch a door because he burnt his toast.

I felt sorry for him, its why I stayed so long. I just told myself he gets stressed easily etc but it doesn't really matter why he does it if:

1. They do nothing about it
2. The cycle repeats
3. They don't think it's a problem

I left but still rarely tell anyone how he was because I just don't think they'd believe me and I already have a hard enough time believing it was bad enough to leave but when your stomach drops when you hear the keys in the door wondering what mood they will be in, it's time.

I think you’ve done the right thing, OP.

I’m embarrassed to say that I was your DH about 12/13 years ago, not as shouty/sweary, but taking out my frustrations on my DH. He told me bluntly that he wasn’t going to put up with it anymore, that our relationship would be over if I didn’t change.

I realized that he meant it and did seek help, because deep down I knew that my behavior wasn’t ok. I was diagnosed with GAD, have had counseling and take medication for the anxiety. I realized that my anxiety was fueling the frustration— but that isn’t an excuse for poor behavior. As adults, we have to take responsibility for our own mental health, especially if it’s affecting our loved ones.

I hope that your DH does address his problems and changes his behavior. 💐

This is damaging your children. Wake up and stop them having to deal with this trauma.