Husband will not stop having meltdowns over the most minor things

[Zoe141]

Trying to make this short but basically he’s never hit me or swore AT me, but he has huge reactions to the most trivial things. I must have said 500 times that he needs to go for counselling to deal with this weird rage. As far as I know he seems to contain himself at work. Last night for example the shower was cold. I had just been for a (quick) shower so of course it was my fault. I was downstairs but could hear the storming about, slamming doors and shouting stuff to himself upstairs. He’s not the wall punching type, just the drama and shouting. He has no patience with our young kids but either goes from their best friend to just a huge rage about the mess of the house etc. He’ll swear while ranting to me while they’re there and every time I say do not swear and he’ll shout I don’t care. It’s bizarre behaviour because he’s so decent in so many ways and 100% would care if they started swearing 🤦🏻‍♀️ My brother and his wife are away for the night and I’m feeding their dog and walked him earlier. He says they do nothing for us and as I ate my dinner gave a full blown rant shouting and swearing about it. I don’t ever react and I just very calmly say stop shouting or stop swearing. That’s just an example of the weird over reactions he has.

I think he must have some sort of depression. He has put on weight, hates his job and just generally isn’t happy in life clearly. I walked out the room at his shouting earlier (crying) and he has gone out in the car now. I don’t know where he will have gone but it’s bad that I’m immediately on sort of high alert that he could do something to himself, when he has in no way indicated that but he is just so highly strung right now that I’m wondering what actually goes through his head to think he’s rational.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

He sounds very stressed and on edge. Does he have adhd or anything like that which can increase anxiety? His behaviour is totally unacceptable. You nor the kids should not be walking on eggshells all the time and it sets a very poor example to them about coping and how to treat people. It sounds like it's venturing into abusive, even if you don't feel threatened by him. I would sit down with him when he's calmed down and get to the bottom of what is causing it. I would be setting very clear expectations going forward in terms of poor language etc and expecting him to take a 5 min time out in the garden. I would also be telling him to get professional help. I would set deadlines that unless you see an improvement within a number of weeks, he will have to leave.

Haven’t read the full replies, but can see you getting the mumsnrt ‘leave now’ advice.

Of course you need to protect your children from this, and therefore not allow it in your house (aka he goes elsewhere right now or you and kids do) but really do hear you say this seems like mental health crisis rather than his ‘norm’.

Equally need to handle the ‘space’ moving thing carefully if you’re generally worried he may hurt himself.

You need a sit down ‘big convo’ when he’s not already heightened. Say it straight - can’t have the kids around this, I’m worried about you, please get help from GP. If you can have someone trusted be there to help mediate the convo obviously that would be better.

if he ‘loses it’ when you start calmly bringing it up, write it out as a brief factual summary and give it to him.

but yes, try get your kids away from it for now, but I get you not wanting to give up long term and try to get him the help x

wishing you all the very very best. Fingers are crossed for you as so hard to see the person you love change like this x

I’m sure this man’s boss and colleagues will realise he’s emotionally dysregulated and not sack him, just as his wife and children are expected to put up with his rages at home.

So you are saying it's ok for a day or 2 for your kids & then he's abusive, then it's OK for the kids then abusive, not ok

Stop telling women to put up with abusive partners just because you do.

A safe space doesn't mean a place where you can do anything and it has no consequences. It means a place where you aren't abused for being yourself (or just for being as his DC and wife currently are). No one is suggesting OP abuse him back. They are suggesting she leave him since he won't find another way to cope. He isn't a child and OP isn't required to put up with abuse (and it is abuse) because he hasn't worked out any other way to deal with his emotions yet.

Mental health issues aren't an excuse for treating others badly. Whether it's depression, emotional disregulation, addiction, anxiety or anything else. Supporting a partner doesn't mean just putting up with being treated badly, especially if there is no movement on their part to change things. Some people are just not at a point where they should be living with others.

This will seem random but I'm just listening to Rick Astley's audibook.

Right from the beginning he talks a lot about his own Dad's regular temper tantrums and one that almost ended tragically.
It's something that has affected the rest of his life
Might be worth a listen OP. 💐

This.

You can’t just be hanging on for whenever he decides he’s in a good mood. He sounds awful.

There's a good show on Sky & Netflix called Breeders with Martin Freeman and Daisy Haggertey.

It's good on showing the effect of Freeman's rages on the family. The rages are mainly aimed at the children. Otherwise he's quite nice, works for a charity and would never consider himself a bad guy.

Try and record his next meltdown. For your own evidence in case he tries to deny it to family and friends, or twist the narrative. It might also be helpful for him to see his behaviour.

sounds like he does need something to change maybe his job!!
but that still isn’t a reason to shout at you in front of the children. Not fair for you and them to hear him ranting over small pointless shit!!

maybe go out for a coffee where he can’t raise his voice and explain how His moods and change in behaviour is making you feel and think of someways to make it better together
Xx

Oh well. As long as he feels safe.

OP. The time between outbursts will get shorter. Consider your options.

I can’t believe he came home eating crisps and drinking wine like nothing happened!!

You’ve 100% done the right thing. Protect those little kiddies of yours who must be scared of him when he rants and raves. If contact Women’s Aid for advice on dealing with him.

Adhd doesn't make you abusive.

My grown son is like this but it's every few weeks, not every couple of days. And there is no way I'd think he'd be fit to be in a full time relationship or around children until he has sorted it out.

It sounds like emotional dysregulation. Look up emotional dysregulation therapy, or he can call 111 and ask for the mental health team and talk to them, they will know what therapy is available in your area. It won't be an easy fix though.

He could try antidepressants but if that doesn't resolve things you can't live together and let children go through this.

As a child I had to put up with my father's appalling rages and violence when he was "in one of his moods". It affected my whole life, accepting as normal a whole load of crap that I should not ever had stood for. If I had children I would not be letting them live in that sort of situation. If your husband won't go for counselling then you tell him to go. It won't get better otherwise.

You can't do anything to stop the abuse you and your children are suffering.

It is abuse, even though there hasn't been physical violence. The people you don't want to talk to about the situation care more about you and your children than this man.

It is very common for women who are being abused like this to believe you can somehow find a magic formula to reduce the anger or prevent it. I'm here to tell you that there is nothing you can do about this.

You didn't cause the rage.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

You very likely want to stick this out because you at least feel a little control in your life as long as you think you are the only one who knows about it and you think you can control it. That's all a fallacy.

The only thing you can control here is your own response to it. You have it in your power to see a solicitor and to try to keep your children safe. They see not safe emotionally or psychologically now.

Please call Women's Aid for support:
0808 2000 247

You need to be brave and make the hard decision.

I had the misfortune to grow up with parents like this. Dad had depression and I spent my entire childhood walking on egg shells and thinking that somehow I could avoid said meltdowns, rants and rage.My mum stayed with him. Me and my sister never understood why.
Honestly, if he won't get help. Leave

I really hope he stays gone. Mine always comes back telling me that I’m the worst person I the world, would see him on a park bench etc. If he does actually stay put if the house then pretty please stay strong and don’t ask him to come back because getting them to leave when they don’t want to is almost impossible (from experience, still stuck with a narcissist).

You’ve got this! Genuinely proud of you.

This is the only response you need.

Can’t believe that you wrote ‘when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times’ @Zoe141. That’s just not healthy. Your kids deserve better than being subject to this shit.

Ideally I'd want him to suddenly see sense

OP, you have been ground down so much by this man, and you feel so powerless, and so ashamed that you have somehow let your life turn into this shitshow that you are completely stuck, isolated, unable to tell the truth to people who really care about you, and relying on hopes of a magical personality transplant to change your life.

Please call Women's Aid if you can't talk to your family.

0808 2000 247

Don't dismiss WA on grounds thst he doesn't hit you. You are living with an angry tyrant and you are being abused.

You should buy and read 'CoDependent No More' by Melody Beattie, and also 'Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. The latter is available online as a pdf.

Ignore all the DV apologists OP. He is abusive, he chooses to do this to you and your kids. Check out the Lundy Bancroft book Why does he do that? It will change your life and you will see him for what he really is, so you don't fall for the manipulation you will have when he realises you are serious. Don't listen to his lies. It doesn't matter what the excuses are, nothing ever gives you the right to abuse someone else, and if you feel bad or miserable that's your responsibility to deal with or fix or risk losing the people you should treat the best. Nobody should tolerate abuse. Disgusting to see women justifying their own crappy choices on here with men by telling you to make excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

Leave. I know you say you don’t want to as you will have a good few days and things are nice. That’s part of how abuse works - if they were abusive 100% of the time then you would soon go as there would be nothing ‘to stay’ for. And the fact that he has some good moments means that at some level he is able to control his behaviour and makes a choice to not do so. You deserve so much more. Gain back the control and your life and leave. Protect your kids and put them first and ensure that this cycle does not become their reality in future (I am sure you would not want this for them). Life is too short to exist like this for the rest of your days.

Don't let him back in.
Your children are in a highly abusive home, with a house terrorist.

Holding it together outside, not giving a shit about you or those poor poor children.

Your children have anxiety and depression to look forward to when they get to their teens if this continues.

Do not underestimate the damage he is doing.

Who will be left to deal with tjis damage of their shattered mental health?

It will be you.
Tell family and friends thd truth.
He is terrorising you behind closed doors.

Don't allow him back in.

Womens aid and self report to social services if necessary.

Protect those children from him.

I don’t want to leave him, when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times but it’s this extreme mood swing with the constant complaining about everything in life when we have a house, two healthy kids and I deal with at least 80% of the childcare, he actually has it pretty good! I can’t mention any of this to friends or family obviously or that’s him written off but I just want him to go back to normal! What can I do?

I know you've said you told him to go but if it just another token threat to 'make' him change I'm not sure why you'd bother. You said he's behaved for a while and then gone back to this. He can obviously control it.

What I wanted to say before you told him to 'leave' was that this is your childrens 'normal' This is the relationship you are modelling to them. How do YOU think that affects them? Do you understand the damage it must be causing? Having to walk on eggshells, making yourself really really small so he doesn't 'notice' them when he's in a rage? I feel for them.

When he know doubt thinks he can come home in the morning, and you feel he's been 'punished' enough for now and surely he's going to change, please think of your children and how they are affected by this unpredictable situation

when he’s in a good mood it’s great and can be great for a whole day or two at times

You and your DC are worth so, so much more than a day or two of "nice"

Hats off to you for telling him to Do One .