How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

Your husband is NOT handling it. Not even slightly.

Both of you need to find your voice. Tell them to leave. Now. Your son is recovering from an operation. Advocate for him if not yourself.

He’s not handling it at all. He needs to encourage them to get somewhere else to stay.

Sorry OP, how utterly infuriating.

You have a DH problem.
He needs to speak up for himself, tell his parents the truth, find different accommodation for them and set clear boundaries.

I hope your DS makes a full recovery.

Your DH needs to have an honest and open conversation with them.

For what's it worth, I would love someone to clean out and line my cupboards, wash my car, and fill my fridge 😬

Fuck that.

They need to leave. Now.

BTW they really are selfish arseholes dumping themselves on you and making this all about them. Your poor DS

Yes agree with PPs - if PILs aren't listening they need to be told to go, suggest DH finds them somewhere and tells them it's go there, find an alternative place they prefer, or go home. Take them out of the house to have the conversation in case it degenerates into an argument so DC don't hear it. Some space will help a bit at least. Then I think I would compromise on the things I was willing to even if it isn't particularly useful (eg fine if you want to line cupboards MIL), be clear as you have done on what jobs would be helpful, and on jobs that are actively unwanted (eg touching your underwear l) be very clear about boundaries- please don't do the washing MIL, it's very kind but other people touching my underwear makes me uncomfortable. If she persists - MIL we've discussed this multiple times. Please do not touch the washing again, if you would like to help please do X. And ultimately if they're still a massive pain get DH to tell them they need to stop helping and instead do some tourism and just pop in to see you and the family for tea or visits as it is putting too much stress on you.

H needs to compile a list of immediately available Air BnBs for them and tell them to pick the one they'll be moving to tomorrow (and paying for themselves). They can bring food from the bursting fridge with them.

Then he needs to tell them they can visit for one hour daily and after that they will leave.

As an aside, if your FIL used household window cleaner on the cars, you need to go and get them looked at. If the cleaning product had ammonia in it, any tint or coating may have been damaged.

Hi I’m in Australia they can come and do my chores!

My IL's decided to fly from Canada to the UK when my DD was born "to be with the baby" for 3weeks. DH told them in no uncertain terms they needed to find a hotel (DD was 4wks old and we had just moved into our new home a week prior). Their visit became too much for us and they wouldn't listen. They crossed a firm boundary we had and DH told them to leave our house immediately and not come back in until they were invited. Your DH needs to do the same.

So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area.

This would send me over the edge alone without any of the other awful stuff.

Sit down with your dh and come up with a script. Then sit down with your in laws and deliver the script. Something like

We love you and love seeing you but this house is too small to have 2 guests for 6 weeks. We know you have plenty of money so here are the short term lets nearby. Pick one of them and move in - by 3 days time. In the meantime, do not interfere in our running of OUR home. you are stressing us out and if you stress us out you stress out our children.

Holy shit @mathanxiety we are in Aus, all our car windows are tinted. I did not know that - thank you

[Op misses point of own thread entirely]

Awesome where do I send them @andfinallyhereweare ?

I do understand that it sounds ridiculous not to want them to do chores btw. I don't love housework or anything. But I do like to feel respected in my own home too.

When we ask them to relax and be guests, they say "but we've come to help" which is true but if they'd asked me what they could do to help the LAST thing on my list would be for them to come and live in my teen's bedroom for 6 weeks.

As an aside, if I tried to fill my MIL's fridge or wash her underwear all hell would break loose. It's taken 20 years to earn the right to make a cuppa in her house. It's a power / control thing.

I think DH needs to tell them they’re being intrusive and it’s getting in the way of his recovery. I would suggest booking the self-catering accommodation for the rest of their stay.

It sounds like you and DH both need a refresher in boundaries, honestly. They’re not respecting them because you haven’t actually set any. Setting a boundary is when you state what you will or will not do/tolerate, including what will happen if that isn’t accepted. It’s not the same as telling someone what you’d prefer they do or not. Setting a boundary means saying “we will not host you in our home other than for daytime visits after DS’s surgery” or “you can come visit in the afternoons if you respect my wishes about chores I prefer to handle myself.”

Go find a list of 3 self-catering cottages that might work. Then go to your in-laws and say it directly: “We appreciate your eagerness to help but we can’t continue hosting you here. It’s simply too many people and not enough privacy. If you would like to stay in the area and come visit with DH in the afternoons we’ve found some self-catering places nearby that have availability but of course we understand if you prefer to go home.” Yes, ideally your DH handles this all effectively and you don’t have to get involved but your in-laws are in your home and you can’t get away, so the next best option is you and DH being a united front followed, by you doing it yourself. The frequent MN advice of “not your problem let DH decide to handle it” only applies in situations where you can actually disengage from the issue and stop it affecting you.

Can you not use this time to take a break and gonout more or get round to doing things you don't normally get to do and leave them to run the home?

@Truetoself why should they? It's their home, they probably want to be in it with their DS.

Seven of you and one bathroom, plus a child recovering from surgery ?!

Find your voice and get rid of them.

Do it today.

You're both allowing them to act this way by not saying no
Start drawing some boundaries and stop being a passenger in your life

It sounds like they just want to take care of you both and look after you while you look after your child, they probably think of themselves as aupairs. Isn’t there something you could get them to do? Personally I would be asking them to do some gardening and pruning and pick up some more plants from the garden centre to put in. I’d then get them to see if they could kick start some tomato plants in pots for me because mine always die, damn, what about a whole new veggie patch? I have always wanted to learn how to sew so maybe I’d pull the machine out and get some lessons with MIL….
The bottom line is it’s only 6 weeks, it is what you make it.

They are probably bored so trying to fill the time. You probably should have pushed back and said no to the visit

Get them an airbnb

It sounds well-intentioned but understandably intolerable for you. They are probably trying to keep themselves busy, it must be very boring for them.

I wouldn’t burn any bridges at this stressful time. Sit them down and say you appreciate them coming but your home isn’t big enough for all of you you all especially with DS recovering from surgery. Tell them you’ve got the house running how you like it but if there are things they could usefully do, eg lifts and shopping, let them know.

Ask them if honestly they would rather go home now they know all’s well, if not suggest they move to an AIr BnB and plan to enjoy their time exploring the area. You don’t want them leaving with bad feeling between you, it’s a lot harder to fix long distance.

Your husband needs to tell them that they cannot stay with you for the full six weeks.

I would go armed with some suggestions of nice places to stay, perhaps even suggest they do a road trip of some description, but would be making it clear that staying any longer in your house is not possible.

If they ask why, just be honest. The house is too small for everyone for more than a few days.

To be clear, this should all come from your husband.

Have they flown thousands of miles from the UK, to look after you're child while ,you and hubby are working full time.

Yes this is how they would see it but we didn't ask them to.