How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

This is awful. Your poor son, who should be your priority, is bottom of the heap. He now doesn't even have his own bedroom to recover in and have some peace and quiet. I am so angry on his behalf. He's trying to recover from the surgery in a situation that is considerably worse than his normal life. And you are more annoyed by your in-laws doing jobs, then you are by them ruining his recuperation.

Why on earth are you not telling the in laws that he needs his own room and peace and quiet, and that you'll find them somewhere to stay? This is INSANE.

Advocate for your child for goodness sake.

Haha, DH has done EXACTLY the same @Maray1967 : they are banned from the kitchen while he cleans up (I cook). It's not even that small but his mum just stands in your personal space trying to literally do whatever you're doing for you. Gah!

Are there more garden jobs to add to the list? Maybe ones necessitating trips to the garden centre etc..? Have you always fancied a new veg patch/border/rockery?

Are either of them handy on a sewing machine? Any alterations to anyone's clothes, bedding, curtains/blinds pending?

If I had someone bored and twitching to help me, properly cataloguing my photos - both physical and digital - would be on the list. Knowing they are in a jumble stresses me out, as does the prospect of sorting it!

I agree that DC's return to school is a useful 'in' to talk about other plans. They will be more tired from school so need their own room back, and you'll need less "help" day to day.

Well he would be keener re getting them alternative accommodation because he's had a lifetime of his parents and knows what they are like. As do you really.

The problem will be to get them to accept this and for you to stand firm despite their protests. You and he regardless need to put on a united front when it comes to them.

DS is doing great thanks, he's a trooper and this is not his first or last operation. He does usually share a room with his sister tbf, it's just which sister has changed! The girls are the ones who have shifted rooms.

If I thought for one minute that PILs were making him worse, I'd throw then out within the hour. I have form for unexpected tiger mum-ing!!

Oh I foresee complete shock. Like no clue blind sided.

Whether that's really true or just an act I'm never quite sure.

Glad to read that your DS is doing well post op.

Find your inner tiger mum here and indeed use this on your in-laws. You will thank your self for doing this. You seem really nice but these types can and do use that nice characteristic against you.

They've already caused more than enough havoc already what with FIL messing about with the car adjusting the settings to what he wants whilst your MIL fills the fridge to bursting point and or guards the washing machine. I'm only surprised these two have not as yet come up with some Grand Design to remodel your home entirely.

having to turn out pretty much 3 separate meals for dinner. I am the only person in this house that has the cooking skills to do that tbh.

That' pretty much the craziest thing I have heard.

Take it from me, it is an act. All their faux angst at being told the word no.

Their son, your H, has been emotionally harmed by them over many years to a point where's he's vomited because of them. You have not fared much better at their hands.

Re all this cooking that you're doing it also seems like you are running an unprofitable restaurant.

its not ridiculous it’s your house I get it, just had my mil here for 3 months from uk. It’s tough!

Yeah when DH told MIL not to do the laundry yesterday she just told a flat out lie: she said "but I'm not doing the laundry "

I mean there were piles of laundry left outside our bedroom by her in sight!! (On day one she literally walked right into our bedroom to deliver the laundry, DH had to say no to that too)

That's weird right? To actually lie?? Any psychs want to tell me what that's about?!

Thank you for picking that up. I'm surprised how little reaction that got tbh. It is A LOT of planning and work.

I'd tell them ds is upset he doesn't have his own room to recover in, and that for the next 5 weeks they need to find a b&b or air b&b.

Who cares if you fall out, they sound crackers!

I mean people have different requirements I get that.

But only one out of 4 adults can cook the necessary meals?

How so?

That sounds a lot like gaslighting i.e she's trying to question your own reality. You have also previously described her standing by your washing machine to take out items of clothing like your underwear.

Am glad to read though that your H called her out on she going into your bedroom. That is your private space and should remain so. Again I would think if you tried to do anything like this in her house all hell would break loose.

@ElfinsMum l would knock the restaurant type service on the head. They sound super needy and annoying. It doesn't sound like they are "helping", they are just making more work

You've become an unpaid chef in an unprofitable restaurant.

If your MIL is capable of filling your fridge to bursting then she is capable of eating out. However, my guess is that she and he are mean with money too.

Just kick them out. It’s actually is that simple.

I have NEVER been into their bedroom

I’m going to disagree with decades of MNetters about it being DH’s responsibility or a dh problem.

I think it’s like expecting an abused child to tackle their abusers. I know it’s not as serious as that (though dig deeper and you may find more than you bargain for) but he’s enmeshed in a family dynamic and it’s not something that can be tackled alone. If it was, they would have backed off (like reasonable people) when he asked them to, the first or second time.

One of the reasons that we are advised to deal directly with our own dps is to avoid creating rifts which are much more easily triggered when in laws confront each other. And in your case it sounds like a hair trigger situation.

This is, as you’ve identified, about power and control. And there probably isn’t a civilised solution - the options are knuckle under or deal with a messy fallout (which may also require knuckling under) and very likely someone is going to be dealing with significant psychological damage.

Have you heard of FOG ? It may give you some insight into what your dh is battling with.

My advice, for what it’s worth is to ground yourself, very, very firmly in the sane and reasonable.

“Mil, it’s really not appropriate for you to be handling my underwear.”

”The fridge is full, we’ll use up what we have first.”

But don’t expect to have any impact. People like these do what they want and are not controllable. If you imagine that most people have a receiver, which you can connect to your transmitter, so that they can understand your PoV. Sometimes the connection is poor, and you have to transmit repeatedly or louder. Sometimes the receiver is dangling and it takes a while to make a connection. The problem is that some people don’t have a receiver at all and you can transmit all you want - they will never receive, understand or care about your PoV.

It’s an incredibly painful realisation for a child to make, and not everyone is psychologically strong enough to withstand that. Growing up in a family like that makes it much harder. Which is why I don’t think it’s as simple as calling it a dh problem.

Because 3 out of 4 come from the same house where cooking means heating up something from M&S.

Also I find that GPs forget how to cook for more than 2. Anyone else notice that? Even my dad who is a great cook but he gets a bit nervous about volumes/times when cooking for all of us now.

No very, very generous. It's a very short cut to control of course

That makes a lot of sense with MIL (FIL is just an ordinary if rather right wing guy who has had a lifetime of hen pecking imho).

What causes this @Blobbitymacblob ?

But this means that you are actually rewarding your MIL for her previous awful behaviour towards her SIL. She caused a pretty much permanent rift between your FIL and his sister, so you are now allowing her dreadful controlling behaviour to go unchallenged through fear that it will happen to you.

Would a long term family rift with your PILs be so awful? Wouldn't it remove the awful pressure that any interaction with them puts on you and particularly your DH?