How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

His parents are not reasonable people and just want their own way all the time, Controlling people are abusive and are not up for any sort of discussions.

The FIL has messed about with Ops car resetting it into what he likes. If she tried anything like this in their home I would think that all hell would let loose. She has indeed indicated as much.

Ironing and specific deep cleaning tasks are both good ideas. DH and i have agreed to work on a list.

MIL can't cook. FIL can cook ok but is only allowed in their kitchen when MIL is out.

Apologies to those who see this as a massive drip feed but i need to vent about this too:

DS is on a special diet ATM and MIL is a sort of vegetarian / super fussy eater / I suspect ARFID (sp?) so I am cooking for 7 and having to turn out pretty much 3 separate meals for dinner. I am the only person in this house that has the cooking skills to do that tbh.

We are v lucky live in one of the top 10 coolest places to visit in Aus...OK all the states argue about that, maybe top 20! And no all you Aussies I will not tell you where!!

We have arranged a trip for all of us at the end as a PP suggested. And we have absolutely suggested that they take themselves to places, either day trips or short breaks. Yesterday DH tried again to tell them they should go out. MIL looked hurt and said "But we have hardly seen you". ???

Is this the one that talks about knowing your BATNA?

[OP takes own thread down unrelated management geek rabbit hole]

Mix of care leave and WFH. And only one of us at the hospital at any one time. We have done it before when one of ours ended up in hospital unexpectedly.

Tbh we are v self sufficient. Ex pat / migrant families are/become that way. If we were super close with extended family in the UK, we would never have moved. Most migrants (from other first world countries) here I find when you dig have at least one close relative who they were keen to get away from.

🤣 nope….STATE is more lik3 it. But bigger than just an acronym. Takes a fair bit of skill and practice

but since it’s your own thread to go down rabbits hole with, here is a link to book.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328

as I say takes a fair bit of thinking and hardest course I ever went on in 30 year career for major global company, but probably most useful course I ever had to use at home too. Still using it nearly 25 years later, and 3 years into retirement it sometimes proves useful for angsty committee meetings in my Interest groups 🤣🤣
🤷🏼‍♀️

It isn’t what you wanted but it sounds like they are well meaning and I have to be honest and say it, you only get one mum and dad and time with them is precious.

sit with DH and create a long list of jobs you do want doing. Car was and valet, shelves putting up, some baking doing for desert, let MIL line the cupboards, what does it matter really.

don’t be precious over your household jobs. You’ve got the rest of your lives to do them how you want.

you could ask them to move out, especially if a child have been thrown out of their room but do let them help. I don’t think it’s actually any harm

Ok, you have a choice - you either set some clear boundaries and be prepared to stand your ground or you allow them to bulldozer over you and create a horrible living situation for everyone for the next few weeks while you inwardly rage and seethe.

Why is it you who would be responsible for causing a rift? PIL are responsible for their own reactions. If they choose to cut contact with you for setting boundaries in your own home, that's on them.

ElfinsMum · Yesterday 08:19

Mog65 · Yesterday 07:46
Have they flown thousands of miles from the UK, to look after you're child while ,you and hubby are working full time

Yes this is how they would see it but we didn't ask them to.

You are being unreasonable and you know it. You didn't ask but you're working full time. If they leave to travel home, you'd need toget urgent time of work to look after your sick child.

Dear husband may enjoy seeing them

Send them to Blazeaid https://blazeaid.com.au/willaura.

Find an Airbnb pay for it then hand them the keys & say with kindness this is all too much we need our space goodbye.

My 93 year old FIL stays with us 1 week a month and he finds jobs to do that I didn’t know needed doing.
There has been damage along the way (cracked bathroom basin) and I just said to DH we need to put money aside to fix things once FIL GTG. It is old basin and bathroom needs redoing anyway.
i now have list of jobs when he comes.
Give them jobs, clean out shed, organise garden for winter and plan spring planting.
Clean out fridge etc. good luck

Break this cycle. You've put in boundaries and they've bulldozed over them. Keeping them around serves only to feed their needs not yours. Seeing as your sons the one having an operation and your his parents, you need to prioritise yourselves over their needs and ask them to leave. Watch their reaction- it should be upset but humble. If they try to cut contact they you have proof their love is conditional and based on what they can get out of the relationship rather than genuine love for your family

We are not working full time, both my DH and i are PT. And as I stated above when one of our kids went into hospital unexpectedly we were able to manage it through a mix of care leave and wfh. I have over 2 weeks of care leave banked up for exactly this purpose right now.

We are lucky to have the kind of senior, professional office jobs where they measure you on outputs and it can be quite flexible when needed.

Like you, PIL believe that we would not be able to manage without them but I would argue we would have managed differently without them.

DH and I are seriously discussing what we're going to do when DS gets back to school in a week or so and they are still here for a month...

Well, there's your in for the conversation about them moving to other accommodation. Your DS needs his room back to study.

On the jobs list for the PILs add supervising play dates for your littlest one including lots of accompanying to the park.

Your in-laws invited themselves to you people in Australia. They were never going to accept the word no nor any other accommodation and it’s now going to be the devils own job to get them out within a month.

 I think it highly likely they will remain there for the entire six weeks further getting in your way and potentially wreaking your things.  FIL put window spray on the tinted glass in your car and adjusted all the settings to his liking.  Mil stands guard over your washing machine washing your underwear, stuffs the fridge full to bursting and cannot cook. You are now acting as a chef to seven.  Burnout for you is also likely.  

Your h and you both need therapy re your in-laws. Your unfounded worry also about causing a family rift is preventing you from really seeing what is happening in front of your very eyes.

Wouldn't have a problem with it and even more so they've made the effort to come and help regardless of how you see it. That's what's missing in family these days and I'm grateful my huge family loves to help out and be there wether I always fully agree or not with how it comes about the fact anyone puts themselves out for me my and my own family which has happened several times over the last 5 years.

But her in-laws are not helping at all. They invited themselves over and such types do not accept the word no. They see their son and the op of being somehow incapable.

They are likely going to remain there getting in the way for the full six weeks and are both overbearing and controlling. Read the Ops post.

@Ladyj84 Does your awesome large family treat you like a responsible grown up or a child?

I'm not against the idea of family. We clock up a lot of air miles to allow our kids to see their GPs, cousins etc regularly.

Right come on everyone, help me amass a long list of jobs for them:

School lunches (already doing)
School drops and pick ups (already doing)
Feeding the pets (requested but not done, pushed onto the kids because, I think?, MIL is scared of the Guinea pigs!)
Clean fridge (requested but not done)
Supervise any homework provided from school (MIL is ex teacher)
Bake for us
Hoover and mop living room
Brush up gum leaves in back yard (this is truly a never ending task since the gums drop leaves year round!)
Hoover out the cars
Top up shops when requested following a list

Jobs I don't want them to do:
Laundry other than their own
Cooking
The big weekly shop
Going through my cupboards

That sounds awful. You’re going to have find your assertiveness. I would grab the laundry basket and deal with it. I hang up our laundry dry - not DH’s forte - he cooks. If MIL tried to take over I would insist I do it. Literally, no MIL, I hangup our clothes - I will do it!! Get ready and do battle!!

I’ve put my foot down over PIL trying to to get in the kitchen to clear up at the end of meals. There isn’t room and MIL fannies about taking ages to stack her own dishwasher in a really weird way - stuff everywhere. We have broadly speaking an arrangement that we stick to and it’s done quickly. DH physically blocked her the last time she tried to get in the very small space while I was stacking and he was scraping into the bin. It’s a bit of squeeze with the two of us there - I have no idea why she thought trying to squeeze in would be sensible. It’s a bit weird to actually have to block someone physically when you’ve already said nicely that we’re fine - and the resulting comments about us having a small kitchen grate on me. But then I remember to be thankful for it being a small kitchen …
So get the laundry basket and take over if you do not want her hanging out your undies!

😂The PIL are meant to be there to reduce the burden of work on the OPs family and instead OP and DH are burdened with an endless list of admin work to try and organise them for 5 weeks, while still having to take care of their family inc convalescing DS.

the irony isn't lost!

💯 Attila. Just love it when people insist on "helping" when they're doing the exact opposite, causing more work and stress on their poor undemanding victims who don't want or need their help, never asked for it in the first place and quite rightly cant wait to see the back of them so they can get back to normal lol.

DH has been looking into exactly this today. He seems keener to take that route than I am tbh.