How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

Presumably during the working day Mon- Fri you do need them to look after your son? And they can also do your housework if they want to?

Why not get them into a local B&B then they can arrive at 8am, one of them can do the school run, they can look after your son and prep and cook a nice evening meal then go back to the B&B or go to the theatre/cinema/exercise class

At the weekend they can do something alone that they fancy doing. They can also take your other child out to an activity to bond with him.

This way you can get your son looked after and your cooking and cleaning done but still have some time without PIL and they won't have to share a bathroom with all of you.

I think you sell it to them by saying you're not comfortable imposing on them 24/7 and they would be more comfortable staying nearby.

If you actually really didn't want them to come at all then you need to be firm!!!

There is a difference between OP and her DH deciding to go no contact and them enforcing very reasonable boundaries that result in them being cut off by her PILs.

Her MIL has form for this as she caused a pretty permanent rift between OP's FIL and his sister.

OP and her DH would be perfectly reasonable to insist on her PILs moving into other accommodation as them all living in the same house isn't working for OP, her DH or their children. The poorly child has been moved out of his own room. If her PILs take umbrage and go no contact as a result, that is their own decision.

Her husband vomited from stress caused by his parents coming to visit. That doesn't scream 'enjoyment' to me.

They are hindering, not helping. Their dietary requirements are such that OP is having to cook three different evening meals every day. Her MIL cannot cook. They are doing unnecessary jobs around the house.

Because 3 out of 4 come from the same house where cooking means heating up something from M&S.

Yeah, but one of them has been out of that house for a good few years!

OP

Would you describe yourself as a people pleaser?.

It also does your kids no favours either to see you people as their parents being so disrespected and otherwise treated as doormats by their grandparents.

DH and you need to sit down, write a script and agree boundaries.

What would you have done to look after DS if PIL had not come over to help OP?

Would you or DH have been able to take unpaid leave?

It doesn't matter how they're related to you they can't just expect to stay over or arrive unannounced like that.

Tell them to get a hotel...???

I'd hope that their 'helpfulness' is coming from a good place but bloody hell they sound overbearing!
I would just say that you're all falling over each other and it's not really working. If you're feeling generous then say they can come over (at whatever timings suit you) but that they should also spend their time in Australia seeing some sights.
The lieing about the laundry is weird and it's shocking that you're being expected to cook several different meals. Time to stand up to them I'm afraid.

If they're anything like my DP, you can expect some performative sobbing from your MiL at the prospect of being "unwanted and cast out" into an AirBnB.

My DP did exactly this when they visited DB and SiL in NZ. Claimed povertywanted to save their money for another lavish holiday and invited themselves to stay for 6 weeks, openly disapproving of the ND DCs' behaviour the while . Don't do what my SiL did and post on Facebook (possibly under the influence of wine, and I don't blame her one bit) that she was counting down the days until the in laws left. She was Facebook friends with my DM. The fallout was spectacular.

Your MIL sounds very like The Controller in Susan Forward's book Toxic In-laws. Maybe you should download it and check out that chapter, and her later chapters about how to handle people like that. The book is good for not only DILs/SonILs but also the adult child.

Here's the first page of that chapter

The second page of the chapter

My fourpenn'orth is that it's narcissism. We hear a lot more about male narcissists because in previous generations they've been more able to be out in the world and wield positions of power. But female narcissists have always existed, they've just been more likely to have had to confine their operations to the domestic sphere.

Agree. Harpy's Child (readily available on the net) describes very clearly what it is like to grow up with a narcissist mother

Selfish arseholes? I agree they're overstepping massively but they have just flown across the world (not cheap!) to come and help! That is not selfish ffs grow up

I have adequate care leave banked up deliberately to be able to take the full 2 weeks off. Tbh he's already at a point where it would be OK to wfh and him watch TV / do Lego / read a book. It would be boring for sure but safe.

Some stuff is easier with them here for sure. We are able to attend the office a couple of days per week as usual and the teen can continue their extracurriculars as usual.

But you can cut the tension in our house with a knife (for those of us with receivers as a PP said up thread) so it's a Faustian pact.

Omg 💯

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring they have flown over to do what they want to do

Not to do what OP actually needs

So, yes, that is selfish. It’s putting their wants above her and her family’s needs, and they refuse to deviate from the plan that exists in their own minds

And save the insults, I’m not interested

Selfish arseholes? I agree they're overstepping massively but they have just flown across the world (not cheap!) to come and help! That is not selfish ffs grow up

Tbh I think it's selfish to expect to stay in a 3 bed place that already houses 5.

maybe a night or two in an emergency.

Of course it's selfish. They are doing this for their own benefit. If they wanted to be helpful, they ask their son and DIL if they needed help and, if so, what would work best for them.

MIL in particular sounds like a narcissist where everything has to revolve round her and what she wants.

Yeah look DH can cook a basic evening meal. Seven people and 2 special diets is beyond him. As I imagine it would be many people. I consider myself quite a capable family cook and it's nearly finishing me off!

And they KNEW it was unreasonable and/or not what we wanted because they waited until less than 10 days before arrival to inform us that in fact they hadn't booked any of the suggested properties DH had sent them.

My parents even gave them an in person rundown of the pros and cons of the various places they have stayed locally to help them choose.

And instead they spent MORE on flying business. Oooooh, even writing about it gives me the RAGE!!

Slightly different scenario, but my grandparents emigrated to Aus in the '70s with their two teenage sons. My mum refused to go because it was her only way of getting out from being under her abusive dad's thumb. They came back in the '90s under the guise of 'seeing their granddaughter (me) grow up', but they had five grandchildren out in Aus already, and the real reason was that after so many years of being bullied by my grandad and taken advantage of by both, they wanted my mum to look after them in their old age. They'd realised my uncles and their wives were not interested.

My mum, bless her, was very gullible and genuinely believed they were doing it out of love. Anyway, that's the back story. The point of all this is that they always had the same kind of attitude as your PIL that anyone they turned up to visit should accommodate them from free for as long as they liked because they're family.

Now, this has actually rubbed off on all three of their kids, and there is an arrangement that if ever my mum goes over there, or my uncles and their families come over here, everyone hosts for free. The family coming to stay pay for groceries and things and days out wherever they want to go, and they sleep for free at the host's house. It does work well, but there's a kind of unwritten rule that 3 weeks is the maximum because it's so disruptive.

Personally, I've always disliked them coming to stay. They all travel regularly as they're wealthy, but my mum and I have only been once as she has always struggled for money. There are also significantly more of them than there are of us, so we end up with 3-5 relatives coming to stay and my mum's house is only a 2 bed, 1 box room and 1 bathroom situation. Last time there was a funeral, I ended up on an air bed in the living room whilst still trying to work full time. There is also the point that, as we could never afford to visit and their visits are random, these people don't feel like family to me. They're practically strangers. They complain constantly about things not being like in Aus and are quite entitled because my grandparents attitude that family should accommodate meant I was sent out at 9pm on a Sunday after Christmas looking for Vegemite because one of my cousins had a cold and said it was the only thing she'd eat. For reference, I had to get up at 5am the next morning for work, and usually go to bed at 9pm.

All this to say, it's all because no one ever felt like they could put their foot down. But me, as the niece/granddaughter at the time, I could see the toll it would take on everyone and I won't ever be accepting of this rule now I'm an adult. If anyone wants to visit, they're welcome to stay for the week, then they get accommodation elsewhere. I wouldn't even want to stay with relatives and feel like I can't go out and explore or do things I want to do without them. I could see how stressful it was for my mum hosting them whenever they showed up, and I hated giving up my room for people on holiday whilst I still had to go to school or work and get on with every day life.

Don't let this continue. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but I also think telling them you're grateful for their efforts, but that the children are finding it too stressful and you all need more space is enough of a reason. They can't argue that someone who has just had surgery needs a calm, peaceful and restful home. Tell them the children need to go back into their rooms, it's impacting them too much at school and home to not have any privacy, and give them a list of options nearby.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta Does that book address what a weird position you're put in as the spouse of someone who's parents still treat them as a seven year old child??