How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

Would that be such a bad thing though? By the sounds of them it would be better for them to be out of your husband's (and your DCs) live for good.

@ElfinsMum tell them that you have volunteered them to cut the grass of all the elderly in the village and do their final clean up for winter.

I’ve come on to say they sound just like my parents. It drives my husband totally batty and, like your dh, I was raised to think it was normal/rude to question(this is how they continue) and it’s SO stressful to be in the middle of. I’m so sorry you are in it, it’s very difficult. I agree big jobs are best but I think definitely provide them with b and b options and give them a week. If they are offended that isn’t your issue- you’ve been polite and it’s their issue not yours.

How can your poor DC expect to recover with this constant disruption? You are more than justified to ask the in-laws to leave so your DC can rest and recover properly.

Could you hire a camper van as a ‘treat’ so they could do some sight seeing?

Just no.
do you not realise how damaging going NC is for people. Especially parents and kids of any ages. It is disgraceful the way some MNetters bandy this around like it’s an easy option with little negative consequences.

NC is only an option when there is abuse. Where the impact on someone’s mental health or physical safeguarding is so great it becomes the lesser of two evils. But even then it can impact people for life if it’s between parents and child. At whatever age.

This is about boudaries. The dh here doesn’t want a repeat of his dad and aunts situation. Clealry. They do have control of their own house. They can go nuclear in terms of forcing parents to leave. But it does sound like dh here is still avoiding ven having a sit down “crucial conversation”. We aren’t ever trained in thst, and it’s a hard skill to learn…but this is salvageable at this stage with some plain talking.

Get DH to thank them for their help but now after a week it is clear that you need extra space in the house.
DH books a two bedroom B&B nearby and suggests that his parents and one child stays there - the well children take turns - having breakfast and dinner there (with food from fridge).

Seriously sit down with DH and work out a list of realistic tasks his parents can do for the next four weeks. Wash all the windows, school runs, pruning & watering garden, making lunches, folding washing, bulk cooking of biscuits, taking other kids for outings. DH could also take them and some kids out each week on his own to play golf, view a gallery, bush walking etc to give you all a break.

You can't be too rude, even though PILs arrived without invitation. They live far away so an end is in sight.
Plan something lovely for the final weekend so that the trip ends on a positive note.

Do you need them to help look after your son? How would you have managed if they hadn’t come over?

Window spray on car windows is not a great idea..

Ah OP you can't worry about the long term family rift - you can't just let them keep crushing you without reacting. DH needs to tell them that the kids need to be back in their own rooms and have normality so they need to stay elsewhere, helpful as they are. If they take offence then they do - but as the saying goes you can't set yourselves on fire to keep other people warm.

Sending sympathies OP as my inlaws are just like this. They have to be in charge. I think , if you can, your DH needs to explain that you are super grateful for all they have done but you think they need to have a more relaxing time by staying elsewhere. He needs to be firm. It's really tough and some children find it difficult to impose boundaries on their parents when they are adults. If you don't bring in boundaries then I can see a situation when you all all out!

Op, my advice go on line and look up “crucial conversations”. It started as a business tool in USA, but most people who’ve done training say they use way more at home! Certainly I used it loads with my teenagers and dh/exh. Way more than I used for work. This is a toolkit/process on how to handle difficult conversations when “the stakes are high”. If you can download the book and read it
It’s not an easy process, it needs some careful thought and planning up front, but it does create a “safe space” where both parties can dig into where the other party is coming form and resolve those miss-expectations, misunderstandings, misalignment or even misbehaviours. These are usually at root of most issues unless you’re dealing with people who arent being abusive. It doesn’t sound that this is case here, just massively over stepping boundaries. But then it doesn’t sound like boundaries have been made clearly either by dh.

the (invisible) boundary overstepping sounds , as you’ve said, likely to be about control - but maybe not control over you, more control over a situation they’re anxious you don’t have control over (anxiety is crippling sometimes and persuasive) . There’s probably a bit about wanting to validate their own usefulness and indispensability to their son, particualrly his mum by sound of it. Possibly because other son has clearly shown they aren’t useful to him. And just perhaps a feeling, with you guys in Australia, that they’re loosing connection with their son and they’re struggling to deal with that…this was an excuse they were eating for to descend and try to regain that once closer bond. Maybe? Or maybe not. But right now you don’t know, and that’s why you need to start actually talking to them.

Your DH is stressed becuase he is constantly trying to deal with the conflict of interest (yours and his and your family ) vs his, mum and dad’s relationship. There’s no winners in that game. But it will only hurt him to have complete losers. It’s in everyone’s interest to thrash this out safely, and establish a better understanding on both sides going forwards.

I know management gurus and self help books csn be a real turn off, but this technique is worth looking at, and exaclty sort of issue it could work for well. It needs you to clewrly ask yourselves what you want (define boundaries, define what is ok, define what you’d actually like form them) , then to tell your story, start with the heart (takes a bit of courage to open up emotionally and show vulnerability) make it safe for parent then to tell theirs, then find the common ground . It has to be safe conversation for you both, and that takes skill. But you can learn it . They’re here for 6 weeks so plenty of time to spend a couple of days reading and agreeing how to apply, and then go for it.

NC is only an option when there is abuse. Where the impact on someone’s mental health or physical safeguarding is so great it becomes the lesser of two evils. But even then it can impact people for life if it’s between parents and child. At whatever age.

No, it is not 'only an option' in that case. It is an option for whenever the person decides its an option. You don't get to decide whether their reason is 'valid' or not.

Exactly. If there is a family rift, this is not on the OP or her husband. If that's the IL's choice, that's on them.

"NC is only an option when there is abuse. Where the impact on someone’s mental health or physical safeguarding is so great it becomes the lesser of two evils"

OP writes that her H's parents are both overbearing and controlling. These types of behaviour are rooted in abuse. Their behaviour has also resulted in OPs DH throwing up because of stress. He cannot stand up to them either due to them conditioning him so.

If OP does not get these people out of their home their house will look unrecognisable, not just to say with items completely out of place within a couple of weeks.

And OP - stop with worrying about long term rifts. It's already happened and that is neither on you or your H. The common denominator here is his parents.

They've flown half way across the world. Use that as an excuse to book them a week's holiday. Qantas have a 2-1 sale on at the moment. Send them to Brisbane/Sydney/cairns etc on the pretence of seeing the country.

I suspect they mean well and have no idea at all how infuriating they are being.
You'll have to tell them, but nicely. Dear FIL, dear MIL, you are lovely to offer to come and help out, we do appreciate it. But the house is too full, the kids are all crowded into one room and we are all finding it stressful. Also we are used to managing our own space and it is confusing finding extra shopping in the fridge.
Please will you find somewhere else to stay and just come over during the day to check up on DS, and sometimes have a meal with us in the evening?

How do such people at all mean well?. Such people never mean well and they know exactly what they are doing here. They flew over basically because they see their now adult son and his family of being somehow incapable. Their sole intention was to stay in OPs house.

Her husband's overbearing and controlling parents (this is the OPs description of them) have imposed themselves on his family to their overall detriment and for six weeks at that. Their home will not feel like home at all by the time these people have finished.

They know exactly what they are doing.

They are doing exactly as they please without any regard for the op and her needs and her family.

Beyond selfish.

Get them to leave pronto.

Book the alternative accommodation and if they won't shift, take the children and go there yourself. Sod the family rift bullshit, prioritise your DS's recovery not PIL's manipulative, coercive behaviour.

I agree.

I mean it's obvious that there's no room for them.

If recovering DS is sharing a room you can say he is not sleeping so you need all the house space (we have tried it but it's not working) . If they are not with you 24 hours it may be manageable

You already have a built-in rift in your lives - you moved to Australia.

I second the "crucial conversations" suggestion of a PP.

Or sending them off on a couple of week-long trips to other cities.

Your alternative is waiting out the six weeks and grinding your teeth to stumps (and hoping neither of them has a medical emergency that would necessitate a longer stay).

Well, at the moment you have your DH throwing up with stress, your whole family cramped into inadequate space, and everybody walking on eggshells so as not to offend your PIL.

A rift really doesn't sound that bad by comparison. Especially when you wouldn't be the ones creating this potential rift - that would be entirely down to your PIL choosing to overreact.

Ok, my opinion was given as a statement granted. You’re jumping at me for mere poor phrasing because I missed a IMHE….

it remains that ( IMHO) MNers are way to fond of NC over things that can be resolved with a bit of emotional maturity IMHO and understanding that no one is perfect, IMHO we’re all flawed IMHO , it usually takes two to tango IMHO

for goodness sake, the divorce laws themselves were changed to “no fault” because law itself recognised that rarely is a divorce (a pretty extreme form of relationship breakdown) down to one person only. It is the relationship between two people that is failing- for whatever reason…yes maybe one person is the unreasonable or adulterous one, but they’re BOTH in that relationship at the time it happened by free will. e.g. it takes two to tango, even if one partner is totally crap at dancing. (Not my ho, this is opinion of law lords who changed the law)

I’ve seen the devastation that is caused by NC. Between 2 close relatives, becuase one of them appeared to (I suspect) neurologically not be able to do empathy and the other called out a bit of hurtful unempathetic approach (rightly imho) then found themselves NC’d. It devastated both of them mentally- the NC’d ended up with mental breakdown, depression etc . But stupid bugger who started it wouldn’t back down and make amends en though he lost his carer and closest support and missed them. They just didn’t know how. Probably , imho, cos they didn’t have ability to do empathy. In the end another relative stepped in and sorted it. Just as silly bugger got cancer, then died. Great.

i was in abusive relationship for 15 years. 30 year marriage. I know what abuse looks like. Sadly the very people, like me, who should NC at first sign of abuse, find it incredibly difficult. Stats show that again and agian. Becuase of the very nature of abuse.

please do try to allow for people’s less than perfect semantics before you jump down their throats with “you don’t get to decide” . I never did.. I sort of assume when we all post on here, it IS by default our opinions, our experience. And the boards allow you to counter with your opinions and experience. Which you have. In your first sentence.