How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

I think your approach is a good one. If they show a bit of trainability, and you and h can grit your teeth for another 5? weeks, it's probably preferable to all the bloody palava that will likely barrel in if you tell them to get an Airbnb.

I only say that because they live 1.5 days of expensive and gruelling travel away, which means you can dose them in the future (like you have been doing up until now). If they lived closer, I'd recommend to fight for your boundaries.

I once unwarily agreed to having my MIL-like family member visit me after I had moved to Europe. She was supposed to stay 3 days, and ended up staying for 5 weeks. She caused utter mayhem, gossiping/lying about me to all my friends. And relatives. And colleagues. And neighbors. And local shopkeepers. She reorganized my entire flat, threw away books, and my nice sweaters and jackets that she admired all ended up in her guest bedroom closet.

She eventually left after we had a massive row, and the fall out went on for bloody years. I should have gotten her out more smartly.

So it might be worth it to grit your teeth, count down the days, hours, and minutes, and then make sure you never get trapped like this again.

Good luck!

Any progress is progress OP so yeay for that & like you say what’s most important in all this is yr DS is starting to feel a little better.

I completely appreciate the stress of this. But I think they probably mean well. My nan once ironed all our underwear 😂 my mum was like WTH?! I was about 12, but I fully remember my nan apologising and saying she didn't know what to do and really wanted to help and be useful (my dad, her son, had had a back operation so they appeared to stay with us similar to this story).

So yes, by all means be firm, but please explain it with kindness x

Tell them they need to either find somewhere else to stay, or go home. If they ask why, TELL THEM. Simple.

I empathise with you completely, having suffered at the hands of overbearing parents in law. It is really up to your husband to politely ask them to rent a place for the rest of their stay and put in some boundaries. Your son needs to recuperate in a calm environment.

I would limit the time they spend with your family and not see them everyday. It's too much. It is hard, because from their point of view, they are there to help you and expect you to be grateful, i should imagine. I am sure you would be if they approached it in a different manner.

I would make a massive list of jobs and tell them to crack on. Also can they cook?
In a couple of weeks when your son feels better babysit so you can have a date night. They sound annoying but you may as well get a complete spring clean and some general help. They live in a different country so it's not like it's every weekend

It's a very different sort of visit when they come from overseas for weeks at a time than weekend visits more frequently. In my case it takes a couple of years to get over my PILs visiting for a month. How are you all doing OP?

Thanks for asking @Homebird8 My son has returned to school this week. He is doing really well, although school is leaving him quite sore and tired.

PIL are making some plans to do touristy things including a couple of nights away by themselves. They are still shopping almost every day - have realised that although they are positioning it as shopping for things we need, it's really about them buying stuff they would like to eat. Because MIL is so limited on what she will eat.

They are still driving DH and i crazy pushing their help onto us (yesterday MIL broke the dishwasher door she was rushing so aggressively to empty it) but we are now within squinting distance of the end. Especially because we are going away with them for our last weekend.

I do wonder what will happen when we visit them on our next UK visit. On bad days I fantasise about doing to her what she is doing to us!

I would bill your mother in law for the damage done to the dishwasher door because that comes out of your pocket. Did she apologise?. (No).

Whose idea was it to go away with them for the last weekend?. Are you really both gluttons for punishment?.

You’re not actually serious about seeing them next time you are in the U.K?. It’s taken you 20 plus years to be able to get into her kitchen to even make a cup of tea!.

Glad to read that your son is doing well and that he further improves over time.

I understand the grating in the having to smile when their insistence on helping actually causes more trouble.

My DMIL, in her rush to empty our dishwasher whilst nobody was around to stop her, fell holding two sharp knives and chipped both our brand new granite worktop and brand new induction hob. Thank goodness she wasn't hurt. The knives could have gone right through her. I could see just how it had happened but thank heavens she managed to catch herself so as not to end up on the floor. She has not accepted that scoliosis and osteoporosis means she needs two crutches to walk and also that it is a very good reason we ask her not to help with that sort of task.

My husband ground smooth the counter top but the hob will never be the same again. Insurance might help but we'd have to find exactly the same size hob to fit in the pre cut hole. Why oh why...

That Japanese phrase comes to mind "arigata-meiwaku". It is the feeling you have when someone does you a favour you didn't want them to do, and which might have caused you trouble, but you have to act grateful anyway.

But no you do not have to act grateful if they cause damage, albeit accidental. Did she apologise and or offer to pay for the damage she caused by her actions?. What on earth was your MIL doing holding two knives whilst emptying your dishwasher?. You cannot fix stupid.

Thank you for the update. So pleased that your son is getting better. Fingers crossed it goes well with your weekend away. You will all be on neutral territory and it could go better than you anticipate. Best wishes to you all. xxx

Yes it is always better when we are on neutral ground so weekend away will definitely be a break of sorts

@AttilaTheMeerkat You will be unsurprised to hear that she did not admit to having bust the dishwasher door. Silence followed by what DH has recently christened pig's bum face - hunched, scowling 😂

They have to behave better on neutral ground or in public. They've treated your home as their own and trampled all over you both. What sort of example does that show your children?. You're both pushovers regarding his parents and they also do not like, let alone respect either of you.

Everytime they do something you don’t like ask them outright “if I came to your house and starting doing your washing, would you be happy with that?” When they say “no” you reply “there is your answer, now stop”
do this with everything in repeat. These people are a nightmare.

Honestly I would have no compunction whatsoever in billing her for the damage. This is money that is now being taken out and from your own family unit because of her unwanted help.

If you had done that in her home (unlikely too given it has taken you many years to be even allowed into her kitchen to make a cup of tea) there would have been hell to pay from these two. And your H would have completely clammed up leaving you to their wrath.

Actually DH is fighting them every step of the way tbh. The other day he had chased her away from the dishwasher which required actual shouting before 7am!!

They have stopped on the laundry. I used "MN Breezy" TM and just said nice and loudly so they couldn't blame their hearing aids "Actually MIL, I would prefer if you didn't handle my pants!" THAT brought on pig's bum face!! But she did stop from then.

And every night they offer to help me with the cooking and I breezily say "no" because no is a complete sentence!

Obviously with DH when he says no they tell him he's being silly and wrong and upsetting them and whatnot but they can't really pull that crap with me.

I think your H just needs to say to them , look some help is lovely and appreciated but we really don't have the space to make this work and me and Elfin are feeling claustrophobic - let's book you somewhere and you can come over between xxx and xxx

Perhaps you missed my posts right back at the beginning @Crikeyalmighty where I explained that DH sent them options for their accommodation before they arrived and with only 10 days to go they informed him that they would be staying with us (and flying business class).

So if they were going to accept that option like normal people, they would have done so already.

@ElfinsMum yep I do get that - however would it be possible to say 'it's not working' or aren't they the kind of people that take kindly to any change of arrangements? I do know how you feel OP , my sadly deceased MIL had a key to our house and used to let herself in and rearrange stuff or take ironing because 'it was clear I couldn't keep up with ironing' ( I was working FT with a 4 year old at the time)

No mention that her son wasn't 'keeping up' either!!

It's amusing to hear how DH is resisting. Pig's bum face 😂

How much longer to go?

Oh, I don't act grateful for that sort of caper but thanks for the back up. Much appreciated.

DMIL was once 6'1" but with her health conditions is now disabled and about 4'10" bent sideways and double at the waist. She's a fighter though and despite needing two crutches to walk takes a 'use it or lose it' attitude to activity. This, along with the need for self worth from running a home, makes her a liability.

She was carrying knives in each hand to avoid attempting more steps across the kitchen from dishwasher to the knife block. This means that she was not using her crutches and was also trying to turn through 180 degrees from one location to the other.

By the time we got up at 7am she was sitting at the dining table looking apologetic. DH did have a word with her but I doubt it will make any difference. Her DH, my FIL, just expects her to do it and so she does. I expect her not to, and tell her that, so she still does.

It could have been a very messy death.

I get the plans for a trip together. Anything to send them off on reasonably good terms without all the stresses of being at home.

We have done the same, although with the DILs I have sent my DH and the DCs without me. I have to work don't you know. The DCs won't go again though. DH, it's all on you if you can't stop them coming.