How do me and DH persuade the in laws to calm down??

[ElfinsMum]

DS has had an operation and will be off school for a few weeks. We live in Aus so my PIL have come for six weeks to help. We didn't ask them to come, they just told us and we didn't say no. They are over bearing and controlling and we all find them quite hard work - when we visit them in UK we only stay for a few days. They have no insight, I assume they think we are all just quite weird/rude!

At the last minute they informed us that they would be staying the full time in our house. So we have 7 of us in a 3 bed cottage with one bathroom and one living area. DH had been discussing finding a self catering place for them for some time so I assume they sprung it on us as they knew we would say no if they asked in good time. It's not a money thing, they flew business!! This meant that I was already seething before they even arrived.

Since arriving, they have been bossily taking over the household as if DH and I are just two more children. MIL stands watching the washing machine for it to finish so she can immediately hang it all up. I hate that she is handling my underwear, so inappropriate. She insists on shopping everyday so the fridge is fit to bust. Yesterday I really tried to say we didn't need anything and she managed to find one item we had run out of (window spray) and immediately ordered FIL into the car like she had won something. Ironically we were only out of window spray because my FIL had cleaned the car windscreens unasked. The other day he was literally changing settings on our car while I was driving it because apparently our settings weren't identical to theirs = right.

On the day of my son's op, I got home late and exhausted. First thing MIL said was "We've been looking for jobs to do. Would you like me to clean out your kitchen cupboards and line the shelves?" I said no, not v politely. I said she could clean the fridge instead, which interestingly she hasn't done (mind you it is full to busting, see above).

In summary, I feel caught in a power struggle over chores. And like they aren't respecting our/my boundaries.

DH is handling them. He has read enough MN PIL threads to know it's his job. He said as clearly and neutrally as possible that we only want them to help with jobs we ask them to do. It hasn't really made much impact. We have also tried suggesting they go out on their own for spells to give us all a break but they keep saying no.

My DS is stuck in the middle having to spend all day with them. How can we handle this better for next 5 weeks for his sake?

ElfinsMum

They need to leave today. Where they go is not your problem; they can pay for a hotel or Airbnb themselves.

It is not help either because you also did not ask for it. They decided to impose themselves on you like this because they see their adult son and his family as incapable.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. No you would not so stop tolerating this at all from his parents. His abusive parents who additionally use fear, obligation and guilt as weapons against you both should never be at all tolerated.

However, you've both rolled over here and allowed his both overbearing and controlling parents (you do realise that this is abusive behaviour) from them into your home all too readily. You knew what they are like all too well already.

And no he is not handing them nor this situation at all either. I can well understand why your H is so weak willed when it comes to his parents because he has been conditioned from childhood to think the sky will fall in on him if he upsets them. He to some extent thinks their behaviour is normal. He has additionally been taught to put their needs first with his own (so that of you people too) dead last. He needs therapy re his parents honestly. However, if he will not consider that then at the very least he should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, you could read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Have nothing more to do with his parents going forward.

You already have physical distance between you as you live on different continents, time for mental distance as well.

Both of you also need to present a united front when it comes to such thick skinned and non insightful selfish guests like this. Such people, let alone ones who invited themselves like this, go off after three days. They absolutely have to go and now too because such behaviour from relations can and does damage marriages. Ignore their protests and upset stances.

@ElfinsMum what ages are the kids and where are they all sleeping? I cant believe they would impose on you when you dont have room for them. even the child who had the op really needs a bit more room. they cant escape from granny and grandad so they must feel suffocated!

Sorry but your husband is useless and is not handling it at all. If he was handling it, he would have PUT HIS FOOT DOWN and told then they are FUCKING NOT STAYING IN YOUR HOME AT ALL, in the first place. He let them steamroll over you all and move in and upset you. He sat back and let it happen. Sorry but your husband is absolutely useless and doesn't have your back. Evict them from your home first thing tomorrow (I too am in Australia and its night time here). Only if your husband stands up and throws them out, then he will have done something. Until then it seems your husband is as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike - as we Aussies say. The fact your husband let them even stay makes me livid for you.

I would agree if it weren't for the fact my son is stuck at home unable to walk much.

I hope your son will be able to walk around a lot more in time and makes a full recovery.

It remains so that your H and you need to get his parents out of your home and asap before they further wreck your marriage.

Yeah I know. He now deeply regrets that he didn't say no on the phone a few weeks ago when he could have switched their cats bum faces off after five minutes!!

I think the PP who said that it is doubly hard for DH precisely BECAUSE he is their son and was raised to think this behaviour is in some way normal (even though he hated it) makes a good point. The night after they arrived DH actually vomited with the stress - we were still preparing for the op then too. Never known him do that.

We have quite a big age range so teen has moved in with DS and our youngest is on a camp bed in our room. Keeping the mess under control is becoming a FT job because we can't let DS trip.

You're both choosing to indulge these people instead of prioritising your kids.

Your husband puking with stress, a teenager kicked out of their own bedroom, a child recovering from surgery while 4 adults engage in some weird farce of dominance games.
Your husband needs to correct this immediately.

I'm not trying to play games. I would like to drop the rope somehow but not sure how without them just bulldozing over us...

In their own home we generally just go along with them and balance it out by making the stay short.

I would like to have the grace to handle it this way! I do honestly think their motives are caring, it's just that their execution makes it feel like a takeover.

We spoke to SIL before they came and this is what she said she does - saves up a whole big list of jobs and just hands it to them. But they are her parents and tellingly BIL simply refuses to see them. (I only found that out recently - I had previously believed their line that he was always working)

Also FIL has fairly recently had a joint replacement so needs to be jobs he can manage without taking silly risks.

And I already told DH before they arrived that I WOULD NOT have his dad kicking off what I call a "penis project" in our house while DS is recovering. He has form for announcing that of course we need x or y fixing and turning the whole house upside down to do it while MIL flaps about enabling him to do this vital man work. Drives me batty.

To all the PPs saying that we should just kick them out...

MIL had some kind of argument with FIL's sister when they were newly married. No one ever talks about the argument but I suspect it might have been that sister enforced a boundary with MIL or told FIL he should be enforcing his. Whatever happened, FIL did not speak to his sister for 30 years and even now only sees her occasionally and on his own. So i am very cautious about creating a long term family rift.

Take over the chore allocation. Leave lists of jobs that will help! Get them batch cooking, ironing, deep cleaning things. Make the most!

This is what I meant upthread. Once you’re thousands of miles apart, it gets tricky to heal rifts. And they are DH’s parents after all, he will bear the biggest brunt.

Of course you need to reclaim your home, they are massively overstepping your boundaries, but there are diplomatic ways of doing it. Clench, and express your appreciation for them coming over BUT you’ve got this now and you need your family space back. Once you have them firmly located elsewhere you’re still going to have to grit your teeth and make time for them but you’ll have control again.

They sound completely batshit, I can't imagine travelling all the way to an incredible place like Australia and then just sit inside at home looking for shelves to tidy and windows to clean. I wouldn't even do that in Skegness.

Isn't there anything fun nearby to distract them? Somewhere to walk? Some attraction? A venomous snake pit?

I suppose you are on the other side of the world. I imagine BIL is in same country as them so cutting them out was easier.

Your husband being sick is a bad sign. Anxiety is horrible. I would kick them out but I'd rather rift than pressure.

I would split it so not to hurt their feelings but get yourselves some space - it's too cramped so they need to get accommodation elsewhere asap, but then come to the house daily and you to do a list of jobs to keep them busy

Why do you think their motives are caring?. Caring people do not impose on others. All they care about are their own selves. You people are all an afterthought to their egos.

You already have physical distance, now you need mental distance too.

You did not cause them to act like this, they chose to and they’ve caused all this to happen. Your in-laws are toxic and would start an argument in an empty room.

Unfortunately some sort of argument is really on the cards? It sounds like they’re going to be bored silly and miffed off at not having their chosen saviour role, and the chances of FIL deciding to build a new garage or a new fireplace or something are quite high. So it is about whether you plan and manage this argument on your terms (e.g. “DS needs his room back now as he needs this space for recovery. There’s a b&b 7 minutes away”) or whether it blows up over something awful that you weren’t expecting (“You’ve swapped your return flights for a month later?? NO, get out!”)

It’s very tough having visitors- to me they just sound very different and are trying to help but still sticking to their ways instead of adapting. To be honest I’d just ask how long they plan on staying for because they’ve probably guessed that the house is getting a bit cramped so would they like you to help them find somewhere to stay? Doesn’t have to be a dramatic showdown and I think a few posters are a bit over angry on your behalf!!!

And it goes without saying you two should tell them to leave today . If they take offence too bad, they chose to fly half way around the world after all. They think you’re both pushovers and they have no respect for you whatsoever.

Given how they behave towards you why would you want to have a relationship with them at all?. Your h is throwing up as a result of them being there. Where’s your red line re them?.

Wow - I was about to say that they are only trying to help - and to give them a big long list of tasks to do - shelving, grouting , mopping floors etc
but if your husband is VOMITING from the stress of being there then they need to leave now. Just tell them kindly that you appreciate their help but there is no room so can they find somewhere else.

But do they actually bring anything positive to your lives? Would a permeant rift be so terrible? If MIL was the drive for the rift with your aunt then I would think she would be less inclined to go no contact with her own child and grandchild then an in-law.

Could you afford to find an BnB for everyone excluding the ILs and you move out?

I know it seems insane but it might send a message! Only take what you need, less for DS to trip over.

Leave a list of jobs you'd like done. Take the cars so they can't ruin them.