Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

If this thread was written about a man by a woman, most of the responses would be encouraging him to leave..

Too many women are brought up to believe "Good girls don't do sex". Female sexual desire is often repressed. Dr Karen Gurney wrote an excellent book on the topic "Mind the Gap".

I don't think that's a particularly prevalent sentiment on mumsnet or in any way relevent in this scenatlrio. Your 'story' hardly champions this view in any case.

But why can't she show him affection? Why can't she acknowledge his feelings? She's imposed celibacy on him with no discussion on possible solutions. Why can't she pleasure him?
Not wanting or being able to have sex - fair enough. But to not be willing to talk about the impact of that with your partner is selfish.

She's disregarding your feelings OP. Does she love you as much as you love her? If you love someone, you work together to find a compromise. She could show you affection. She could pleasure you. She could at least acknowledge how you feel. I'd be questioning her love for you. Sorry OP but I'm not sure she's that invested in you.

This

the issue is that she has no sex drive and therefore no longer sees it as important.

I am sure she does recognise the importance. But it might help to explain that sometimes it is not simply about having no sex drive but feeling a total antipathy to it. Imagine if you had no desire at all and someone started poking around at you - it would not simply be a case of feeling disinterested but feeling violated.

Well it sounds like celibacy is what you're going to choose.

I think it is very unlikely that you will never be attracted to someone else so maybe be ready for that and have a plan.

I do not understand people who announce they no longer want to have sex but would 'never accept' their partner having sex with someone else.

Does your DW understand how she's making you feel rejected, does she expect you to be celibate for the rest of your life or is she giving you carte blanche to look outside marriage.
I'm sorry for you as you seem to be a decent person, it's hard but you need to think about leaving as it will only get worse.

Exactly. People talk about libido as if it is impossible to do anything unless you're bursting with arousal, the more you have good sex the more you want it. Once you stop it will be very hard to feel like a sexual person at all. Effort is needed sometimes in many areas of life.

The op talks about not wanting anyone else but being rejected, being made to feel a pest will knock someone's self esteem. He is not actively looking but situations like this are just highly risky for when an attractive and enthusiastic third party appears on the scene.

Relationships need nurturing and attention. You can't just shove them to the side and hope for the best.

Some really interesting perspectives in this thread, all of them are valid and reflect the great range of life experiences. All woman are different though, and no one can assume what your wife feels for you based on someone else’s experience, as a previous poster questioned her love for you-which is unhelpful!. OP I’m not sure if you’ve heard of attachment styles, it’s really worth looking up as it does play a huge role in relationships. I can speak from experience, if your wife’s attachment style is anything other then “securely attached”, it might be extremely difficult for her to overcome her unfortunate health issues and how her menopause has played out (again it’s very different for every woman) and resulting lack of libido and “compromise” on some kind of sexual activity at this point. Just because some women seem to have been able to do it, doesn’t mean your wife could and that if she doesn’t it means she doesn’t love you. I think it’s hard for men to understand but for some women the sexual experience can leave us feeling very vulnerable. Past life experiences also come into play, unfortunately a lot of women (most?) have experienced sexual coercion and harmful attitudes. It’s just not black and white, people are very complex. She may still be craving connection with you. It would be good if you could both get some therapy to talk about your feelings and see if there is another way. Wish you the best.

Attachment styles are developed in early childhood.

Well, quite!

@LoyalSwan
So your wife wants it both ways.

She doesn't want sex with you - fair enough, her body, etc

Yet she also wouldn't accept you have sex with someone else.

To my mind that's selfish and unfair.

She probably could actually have the vaginal form of estrogen.

However, it's not quite as simple as "all be sorted". The cream actually made me more sore and gave me thrush. So it's not a cure all!

She doesn’t want sex. She’s done it for me in the past and she hasn’t said never again (and she’s reminded me categorically that she’s never said never). She was just feeling pressured (because I ask about it regularly). I understand this and I don’t want her to feel pressured, but at the same time I feel really down when I think about the lack of intimacy. I do see it as a rejection yes, but I know it’s difficult for her because she has no desire. It’s an impossible situation. I don’t think she fully appreciates how it makes me feel no, but she can’t help the way she feels. She has said that she’ll understand if I decide I want us to end, or if I want to be with someone else. I’ve said to her that I can’t bear the thought of not sharing my life with her. We’re very close, aside from this and she’s always there for me through good and bad.

Exactly this.

It takes a lot for me to be disgusted, but this thread is up there.

How the "lovely ladies" can see what's important to their husbands. Then there's his "selfish wife." Surviving cancer. But what about him getting a shag eh??

I really think that if you feel that you can neither look elsewhere nor bear the idea of not sharing your life with her then celibacy with non-sexual intimacy is the only way to go.

It is a very unfortunate situation for both of you, and neither is at fault in any way.

I agree to a point, it is about perspective. OP’s wife has survived cancer and was forced into menopause. The whole situation must be a shock to her system. She might be feeling very protective of herself, maybe she is fearful of a repeat. It may br she simply hasn’t recovered op. Psychologically or emotionally and certainly not physically.

It also possible she doesn’t find you ( or anyone ) attractive in a sexual way. That she no longer welcomes that kind of relationship any longer.

You both need counselling to explore the relationship and both of your feelings. In the meantime enjoy life with your wife in other ways. There is more to life than sex.

'she’s always there for me through good and bad.'

She isn't and she thinks that's ok.

You have to remember there is always 2 sides and 2 perspectives to everything. Relationships are complicated.

Have you tried sun holidays, where you can enjoy being around each other naked or almost naked. Get used to simple touching and seeing each other naked (ish), in the normal run of the day.

Calm, chilled evening meals, a day at a naked beach. Simply to enjoy the intimacy of doing something fun and adventurous together. Take the pressure off naked = sex. Just enjoy bonding by being together in an intimate setting.

You clearly adore your wife, and I can tell from the wonderful way you speak about her that you cherish her. I am sure she has given so much of her love and support to you over the years - otherwise the bond you share would have broken years ago.

Op, I can only say that I hope she shows her love for you in other ways, even if she is unable to do so all of the time or for the last year or two. The patience and endurance, a life long love is so precious and these days rare. I hope you find a way to protect and retain what you have - or a way to work around it.

We are similar ages, and I have come to the conclusion that life really can be so painful and challenging as we get older, no relationship is perfect at this point. We are all weathered like old books in some shape or another, and have shared so much.

Hold her tight, keep talking. Seek extra support that is gentle and respectful - find the right person if you decide to go down the counselling route.

And remember she isn’t rejecting you at all, her illness has taken its toll and it has impacted her in so many ways. It’s not you, it is her situation. I am sure if she could switch this on and make it better she would.

If she really is your soulmate and you really do love her … look for other ways to be intimate with her and feel connected. Find out what HER love language is because right now it isn’t physical touch! Maybe if you speak to in hers rather than pressuring, coercing and making her feel guilty for not being who YOU want she might be more willing to meet you halfway. Meanwhile, you’re a grown man. Attend to your own needs and let her be true to herself.