Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Remember this is a medical issue, not her choice. After menopause sex for a lot of women is agony without HRT. Would you really want to have sex with her if this was the case? What if things were the other way round- you could no longer ever have sex, would you not expect and hope that your wife would still love you regardless - there really is more to life than sex.

@LoyalSwan Your wife has been very clear: she doesn't want to have sex. No means no.

You are (and were) wrong to try to change her mind. In this matter, you have been incredibly disrespectful to your wife and her boundaries.

Just stop.

This is one of those situations where you will have to be disappointed.

You cannot force or coercive your wife into having regular sex with you.

So you actually need to decide what the worst of two evils you can accept: life without sex for the foreseeable future or to dismantle your otherwise good marriage.

You cannot and shouldn't want or wish to change your wife's mind. That decision is not up for renegotiation.

Sadly. I think if you love as much as you say: you'll need to accept that your sex life is at an end.

Are you sure or are you simply projecting? I'm in the OPs position almost exactly. No sex life for 10 years now and not that great since DD2 arrived prior. I love her and care about her but sex was important to me and I feel part of me has been removed. She tried HRT, no difference to libido. She's never been very touchy so really we are like caring companions with grown up kids and a shared house. Not terrible and we otherwise have a lovely life but not how I saw my love life. She won't talk about it either so I'm left to handle it.

I'm 45 and my sex drive is zero. It feels like a violation of my body. However, if my husband had been more romantic and danced with me, gave me a little undivided attention I would have seen that as a great start. But we are separated now.
Do you have date nights? It doesn't have to be full sex, how about some good old fashioned heavy petting ( awful description but couldn't think of another word)
While the desire might not be there, most women do appreciate a clitoral orgasm.
It's very relaxing!!

I'm in the OPs position almost exactly. No sex life for 10 years now and not that great since DD2 arrived prior

Has your wife had cancer? Because the OP's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 40's and the subsequent treatment threw her into full menopause basically overnight. That's about a decade earlier that the average women goes through menopause.

I would consider that quite traumatic, whereas it seems that your wife has been losing interest in sex since she gave birth to your second child. I do appreciate that the outcome has been the same - no sex - but I do think the situation is different.

I'm not menopausal yet but I went off sex almost 10 years ago. Just couldn't face it at all and although I wanted to stay in my relationship (at the time) my sex drive just fell through the floor. I've been single 8 years now and still got zero interest in sex. I don't think about it at all and actually if I do start to think about it for some reason it actually gives me the ick. No idea why this suddenly happened but luckily I'm happily single and it doesn't affect anyone else any more. There is nothing that will change my mind and the idea that someone is selfish for not wanting to do something that makes their skin crawl is wrong.

This

Personally I'd make a pact with myself to not ask about sex again for x number of months and carry on as normal (no sulking etc). It has to be long enough to.take the pressure off and give her time and space to feel comfortable initiating. Behaviour is a language so if she's consistently showing even without pressure that she's not interested, you need to make a decision based on that. Either stay (sexless) or open/end the marriage. One could easily argue she's already telling you this but I'm suggesting it based on her saying "I've never said never". You have to learn to live in reality.

Women who want or enjoy a clitoral orgasm have not lost their libido though.

I feel nothing in my clitoris now. Might at well rub my nose.

We do have date nights and not because I want sex but because I really enjoy being with her and spending time with her. I do loads of stuff… but her flowers randomly, I tell her all the time how great she looks and how much I love her, I arranged a random picnic a few weeks back one lunchtime whilst we were working from home (I just surprised her and said, come on stop for a bit and come and spend an hour with me!), I’ve arranged spa breaks and lots of other things. I do everything I can think of to make sure she knows how I feel about her and with no ulterior motive at all.

And yes I also love affection of any sort, which she does occasionally, but if I didn’t initiate it, we would probably go from one week to the next at times without so much as a hug (but she responds when I do it).

My wife is without question the most important person in my life. I’ve never ever felt about anyone the way I feel about her. The answer for me is patience and understanding (which I admit I haven’t been at times). Physically I don’t feel any different than what I did 20 years ago. I still have the same sex drive, but do you know what, I’d take once with my wife over a 1000 times with someone else. I just could never contemplate doing it with anyone else, so it is what it is.

Absolutely bang on. It's simple really. Just wish the solution was too.

After the menopause, penetrative sex can be extremely painful, however much the desire of both partners is aroused and whatever lubricant is used. This makes some women avoid sex, even if they still have a sex drive.

Because maybe some of us understand that long term relationships are nuanced and difficult, and that a bloke’s perfectly reasonable wish to have a intimate relationship with his wife doesn’t automatically make him a rapey creeper, FFS 🙄.

The most concerning thing in your posts, OP, is that your wife seems to see sex as simply transactional, rather than an important way of maintaining closeness. Her minimising of its importance in a marriage and lack of any affectionate gestures towards you paint a picture of a very big chasm between you.

She probably doesn’t want to initiate any kind of touch in case you take it as an invitation - and you probably would if you’re that starved of intimacy - so your relationship becomes stripped of even the most neutral, companionable types of affection. It’s just a horrible cycle of avoidance and conflict.

But she can’t help how she feels. If she’s unwilling to compromise or consider some kind of blind eye/FWB scenario, you’ve only got 2 choices: accept celibacy for the sake of remaining in your marriage, or leave. Either way, it’s a painful and horrible situation, and I feel very sorry for you.

I had a chemo-induced menopause when having my cancer treatment aged 50, it was brutal. I am now 54. Husband has a high sex drive & boy, have we been through the wringer! I could have quite easily never had sex again BUT I know it’s important to him & it’s a really important glue in our marriage.

Sex is now a time where we truly connect & come alive, where I realise I am still alive, yes indeed, it’s nothing to do with the kids, the hospital check ups, the nagging doubts… it’s an escape. My cancer left me quite affected physically but we use products to overcome it & my lack of libido - well, once I get going, I’m unstoppable!

I think your wife sounds scared, and I get that. I was terrified after my cancer & thought if I made myself very quiet & small it wouldn’t come back! Has she had any counselling yet? I heartily recommend it. I do feel for you cos you sound lovely. Don’t give up just yet xx

I would suggest testosterone therapy for her!

The most concerning thing in your posts, OP, is that your wife seems to see sex as simply transactional, rather than an important way of maintaining closeness.

You’re the first person that’s picked up on this and you’re spot on. No matter how many times I explain to her what it means to me to be intimate with her (closeness, wanted, loved, fulfilled), she sees it as “just sex”!

I’ve also seen other messages on here mentioning that it’s sometimes painful for women after menopause. In my wife’s case this is not the case at all. The issue is not that it’s uncomfortable, the issue is that she has no sex drive and therefore no longer sees it as important.

Based on what you have said I would just respect her wishes and enjoy what you have. Don’t mention sex ever.
You might find in a year you are happy with this, or you might feel like the relationship has run its course. If you decide to leave down the track then you leave. She must know that you might choose to leave over not having sex, and she has made her decision. You are free to make a decision that works for you.

i lost my libido due to medication and I never realised the importance of a sexual relationship until it was too late. I’m now divorced one of the reasons being I expected my partner to accept a sexless marriage and it’s only now I understand the bond and connection of being intimate and what it brings to a relationship. Unless both parties are happy to remain celibate it will never work, and you will resent each other.

I’m in the menopause and can feel my libido has waned. However, my husbands libido is strong so I make the effort. Sometimes I can’t be bothered and add it to my mental ‘to do’ list but I would never make him feel like I’m only doing it for him. Once I get started I do enjoy it. Can be hard but I feel for you as it’s an important part of a marriage. You might need to evaluate how important it is for you . Good luck x

This could be sorted with a hormonal pessary prescribed by GP

Read the thread...she can't have any form of hormone.

She had skin cancer at one point. She seemed just to power through it but it affected her mentally a bit, no doubt about that.

I felt this way for some time. Then I ended up travelling by bus and talking to a young drunk male about something completely unrelated to romance (in fact we were talking about religion). Once we got off the bus he had to cross a busy road. I decided to lend him my arm as a support as he was so drunk. I figured out if he was to fall let him fall on the pavement rather than in the middle of a fairy busy road. We were both wearing thick winter coats. I just helped him to get across the road and told him to contact his local church for support. Boy, did I have "a wet dream " that night.

Yes. But the hormonal improvement can bring associated problems. In my case, it was migraines.

Wtf are you talking about.