Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Exactly- she's not Katy Perry 😂

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So glad you’ve said this! This is exactly how I see it. If it was just about the act itself I could go and get that anywhere. It isn’t. It’s about wanting intimacy and a connection with my life partner.

@LoyalSwan I appreciate you feel like that- unfortunately many don't and it is indeed about 'the act' otherwise they would want more close connection in daily life and many simply don't . Women on mumsnet will tend to post related to their own life experiences because that's all you can go on and for many it is blokes literally 'counting off the days' and making it clear 'it's been 10 days etc' or literally only really interested in 'sticking it in' to put it crudely - it's mainly about them. - as I say I appreciate that for you it's not that .

If they don’t want to improve the situation, it is up to Op to accept or leave. That’s their only options.

It’s Intresting you see that someone having control over who touches/ has sex with with them as “enforcing a sex ban” as opposed to someone simply controlling their own body. Weird take.

If Op only shows affection when they want sex, of course the wife isn’t going to want to be affectionate.

Im 52 this year and my sex drive is quite high. Not on HRT Tried it Made me bleed so doc wanted to send me for hysteroscopy which is performed without anasthetic. So stopped HRT and bleeding stopped. I use the Yes products.
My marriage has not been physical for over 28 years. DH was 42 when we met I was almost 19.

I have OM between 2003 and 2008 and Oct 2021 to now (the same man) He has been wonderful to me If it wasnt for him my love life would have stopped at 23. My dad died back in October and while DH has been a practical help which is good, not even a hug. There is no physical contact at all. Ive been really struggling since my dad died. I lost the one parent i could have talked to about this as DM put him through similar. My OM is 68 so also older than me but you wouldnt know it. I stayed at his for three days over Valentines and it was lovely. I stay over at his once a week.

@LoyalSwan im really sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through. Cancer is a bastard.
It was prostate cancer that killed my dad

@JenniferBooth out of interest, what has kept you with your husband? Does he know about OM? I'm presuming yes as you stayed over recently.

Yes he does. In fact he did once ask me if i would be ok with the other man if anything happened to him.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your desire to have sex with your wife. It’s very endearing.

It’s just an unfortunate situation that, unless her feelings change, you can’t. Nobody has a right to have sex with anyone else. Her right not to be touched trumps your desire to touch her.

If you want to create the optimum environment to allow her feelings to change, I think the best advice here has been to put sex out of the picture for quite some time. Focus on a companionable relationship.

After 6 months or a year or two years of genuinely doing this, you may find:

1. you forget about it yourself; or
2. she feels safe enough to make a tentative approach towards sex; or
3. nothing happens and you can’t bear it, at which point you’re back where you are now and decide whether to stay or leave.

I recommend you tell her what you’re doing. Tell her how much you love and desire her but that you’ve realised you need to remove sex as an option for her peace of mind. Say you’d love to hear more about how she feels if she ever wants to talk about it but you’re not going to bug her. You can say that if her feelings ever change you’ll be there for it, but you must also persuade her that you are happy to do this because your relationship means so much to you. You should let go of the hope of sex though. If you hold onto that hope you will not be convincing. And you might be depriving yourself of your own peace of mind.

If you can’t handle such complete acceptance, view it as a two year phase in your life. This would leave hope for the future if that is helpful. But for that two years you must genuinely let go of it.

I totally disagree with wait for 6 months/2 years wait for ever as she said "l am not saying never " OP your situation seems very one sided, you love your DW but she doesn't show you any affection, in case it's misinterpreted on your part, so you have a joyless and sexless life, leaving you in the hope that one day she may change her mind. Life is too short walk away, grieve for the loss of your marriage and hopefully find someone who will appreciate you and make you happy as she doesn't seem able to.

I agree with @Minglingpringle but I would suggest go a step further @LoyalSwan : accept that it is highly likely that you will never have sex with your wife again.

Accept that the relationship will be non sexual going forward.

If you don't, I think that you will be extremely unhappy, because you will keep hoping for the situation to change.

( I think that after 7-8 years of low/no and reluctant sex) Your wife is not going to change her mind and it foolhardy for you to expect any radical change in the future.

@TwinklySquid"It’s Intresting you see that someone having control over who touches/ has sex with with them as “enforcing a sex ban” as opposed to someone simply controlling their own body. Weird take."

Yes, exactly. It's alarming how many PPs have this view. It reflects a fundamental belief that you're entitled to someone else's body. That when your partner says no to sex, you have the right to feel angry and spout on and on about how your partner has imposed a 'ban', has "deprived" you, has "unilaterally shut up the shop", is "unfair".

And this selfish self-absorbed attitude is so counterproductive. Who on earth could have enthusiastic joyful sex with someone like that? And how could these bullies even enjoy sex when they know their partner is reluctant?

I'm starting to think there must be an awful lot of bullying sex pests out there, and unexpectedly, a lot of them are female.

'Yes, exactly. It's alarming how many PPs have this view. It reflects a fundamental belief that you're entitled to someone else's body'

No one is entitled to someone else's body, obviously. However when in a relationship intimacy is usually part of it.

So many people on here seem to have such negative views but sex is not grubby bad or wrong. It should be good, normal and enjoyable. Many people experience challenges in life be it cancer, peri, menopause but that should not mean the end of anything physical for both parties. Unless you've gone off your partner of course in which case an honest discussion is needed.

I wonder whether these sex pests would like it if their spouse would repeatedly coerce them to eat a whole chocolate cake after dinner. And then the spouse gets angry with them when they don't want to. So they force the cake down and feel sick. And they have to do this several times a week.

After months or years of this, who would want chocolate cake ever again?!

Forcing someone to eat chocolate cake, to put something in their mouth and insist they swallow it, is a complete violation of their bodily autonomy. Just like bullying someone into sex.

No one is bullying anyone. In a relationship sexual intimacy is usually a good part of it. I don't get the cake analogy tbh.

Why call people sex pests?

Is it possible that at some point in all the talking you mentioned to her what you told us about your parents’ “healthy sex lives into their 70s” and now she is cringing too hard to ever think about sex again? (Mind boggles as to how on earth you know this, ew)

Edited to add I do not mean that people having sex lives in their 70s is cringe. I mean that them telling their son about it is!

They teach about consent in schools now. They use a video which compares it to offering someone a cup of tea - check it out on YouTube.

They make the point that if you offer someone more tea and they say no thanks, you wouldn’t pour it forcefully down their throat.

This chocolate cake analogy is similar to that.

'I am deeply concerned by the amount of women who seem okay with the wife just lying back and thinking of England to save this marriage. That is no way to live.'

@TwinklySquid

Don't be too deeply concerned if you're referring to me. I'm not ok with that. It's the 'I don't want sex so your sex life is over' attitude that I find ridiculous.

'I'm starting to think there must be an awful lot of bullying sex pests out there, and unexpectedly, a lot of them are female.'

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta

Are you deliberately misunderstanding this now? What are you getting out of that?

She shouldn't be bullied into sex or have sex she doesn't want. Ever. But she shouldn't tell him he can't have sex either.

I don’t understand your point. If a person does not want to have sex, how can they avoid having it except by telling their partner they don’t want to have it? Is it the tone of the word “bullying” you disagree with?

Obviously if you don’t want sex you can’t control what your partner might do with that information - they might choose to leave you and have sex with someone else for example. So you can’t “tell him he can’t have sex” in that way. And you can’t tell him his “sex life is over” in that way, either.

But any individual can absolutely choose to stop having sex with another individual at any point. That’s everybody’s right. Let it affect the relationship how it may.

You say you don’t agree with thinking of England but if someone doesn’t want to have sex then that’s what you’re sentencing them to if you deny them the right to say no.

And you say you don’t agree with bullying but if you deny someone the right to say no, that seems like bullying to me.

you mentioned to her what you told us about your parents’ “healthy sex lives into their 70s”

I would add that what other couples do regarding sex and intimacy in their marriage is irrelevant. I don't know how the OP knows his parents were sexually active in their 70's, but it doesn't have any bearing on his own marriage.

The only two people this concerns are the OP and his wife. They need to find an accommodation that works for their relationship (and that could include choosing to end the marriage). But what your neighbors, friends or relatives do doesn't matter. It sounds childish to whine "But my parent had sex in their 70's". So what?

You have no clue what really goes on in other people's bedrooms.

@Sunshineandblueskysalltheway "She shouldn't be bullied into sex or have sex she doesn't want. Ever. But she shouldn't tell him he can't have sex either."

I feel like I've wandered into a creepy surreal universe. There's someone who truly literally doesn't understand that being repeatedly coerced to eat chocolate cake is deeply revolting and a violation of your physical autonomy. Like someone insisting they "need" to have sex with your unwilling body. Is this a bot or a troll? If not, this person is a red flag person, because they don't understand the meaning of consent.

And now this.

She's not telling he can't have sex FFS. I've read through his posts again and nowhere has he said that she told him he couldn't have sex. He said, "She has said that she’ll understand if I decide I want us to end, or if I want to be with someone else."

She's telling him that she doesn't want to have sex. She's prepared for him to go. So he has a binary choice: to accept that she doesn't want to have sex, or to leave. He is a man of free will. She - unlike the coercive types here - is giving him a choice.

It's actually really simple. He chooses.

If someone wants to (continue to) argue this, please see the Tea and Consent video. And if after that, you still don't understand what I and many others are saying, you must be very limited. And a danger to people you have sex with.

No one is owed sex. Ever.

As a woman who has had breast cancer and, as a result, early menopause, I find some of the replies on here astonishing. You have no idea how it feels to have been through all of that. It changes you forever. Your body changes, your psyche changes and you have no interest in sex. You are not just not interested, the idea of sex can feel almost repulsive. Why is it up to the woman to always try to fix herself to appease men? How about men do the same for women for a change. I'm sure there's a pill men could take to stop them obsessing about sex all the time and pestering women. And I'm bored of the old claptrap about only having intimacy through sex. Lots of other things can invoke intimacy; you can show love without having to stick your dick inside somebody. Often, the reason women don't show affection in these situations is because they know the man will then start pushing for sex. So they avoid it. It sounds like this is what's happening in your situation.
I'm sorry, OP, but you are behaving like a whiny sex pest. Your poor wife deserves better.

Many of us will have also endured cancer, peri, menopause.

Intimacy is more than 'sticking a dick in'. Sorry that has been your experience.

There are 2 people in a relationship and both should consider the other, not just themselves. It sounds like the op is doing everything they can to be loving and considerate but 50 is far too young for celibacy.

The trouble with these cases is that, very often, the man has destroyed any form of intimacy by linking it directly to sex.

Just because you still want sex with your partner, doesn't mean that OP's wife should

Nothing that OP has posted has indicated that his wife does not consider him.

It's nothing to do with who still wants sex, it is recognising thet there are many parts to a relationship and physical intimacy is one of them. You can't just opt out and expect your dp to say ok fine. Well you can and many people on here sadly have done but it's does damage relationships. They need effort from both parties.