Wife 50 post menopause happy never to have sex again

[LoyalSwan]

My lovely wife unfortunately had breast cancer a few years back, she was subsequently medically put into an early menopause with all of the associated symptoms. HRT is not an option because she had hormonal breast cancer. Fast forward to now and a lot of the meno symptoms have subsided (but not all) as has the cancer thankfully. The main legacy of all of this is that my wife now has zero hormones and zero sex drive and has said that she’d be happy never to have sex again. For me sex is so much more than the act itself. It’s about maintaining a connection, shared intimacy and feeling wanted and loved. She of course doesn’t agree and doesn’t think it’s important. It’s a huge source of conflict between us, which results in lengthy conversations about what we each want, with nothing ever resolved. She will dangle the carrot of maybe at some point, but her immediate response is to say no when asked. I want to be supportive and I understand completely the reason for her lack of desire, but at 50 I feel as though I’m way too young for celibacy. The relationship is otherwise very good. We get on well, share the same values, enjoy spending time together, similar interests etc. We also have kids. Although I don’t want to be celibate, I certainly wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone else. We have complete trust in each other and honestly she is my soulmate, my everything and I love her. I just feel very conflicted and that it’s going to eat away at me, not being able to be with her physically. I’m really interested in the opinion of other women, who may also be going through the menopause.

Well you've only got his side maybe he should get his menopausal cancer recovering wife on to read what he has put and say yes that's true or well that bits true but that bits shit or she may think from her side wtf fantasist shit is he talking. We may never know.

Another brilliant post on this thread of what is an entirely physically normal physiology for women to find themselves in. 👏🏻👏🏻

I think this is probably because ahe thinks you are initiating intimacy as a way to move towards sex. So for her, every hand hold is taking her towards a situation where she either has to do something she has absolutely no desire to do, or towards another argument. So she shies away from it all.

If you take sex off the table for a while, and ask to rebuild intimacy without sex, because the relationship is important to you, then maybe you have a chance at getting back to it, but you have to be willing to completely take it off the table with a chance it might never happen again.

Is she worth the effort for you to try that?

A timely article in the Guardian about vaginal atrophy

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/16/the-unspoken-agony-of-vaginal-dryness-i-had-to-give-up-four-jobs-in-four-years

Yes think about all the problems that face women (and the fucking world to be honest) because of testosterone driven attitudes.

A percentage of men being depleted of their sexual urges and all the other shit that is caused by their need to assert themselves wouldn't be bad thing in this modern overpopulated world. (Sexual assault and rape of women and children).

We castrate dogs, cats and stallions because of how much of a pain in the arse they are when they're entire....

This is exactly what I’m going to try. By taking it off the table for a while, it not only takes some pressure off my wife, it also relieves me of stress, leaving us both to focus on other things together.

Respect to you, OP.

She doesn't want sex and thinks you therefore shouldn't have sex either. You will, by the way and be branded all the cheats and bastards under the sun. She will probably post on here about how she has 'found the messages' and is 'in complete shock'.

It blows my mind how many women think they can just pull the shutters down (for whatever reason) and insist that it is reasonable that the relationship continues and the other partner has celibacy imposed upon them because 'marriage vows'.

@Sunshineandblueskysalltheway
the other partner has celibacy imposed upon them because 'marriage vows'. - but equally no-one should have sex imposed on them because of these same vows.

The OP knows this and is thankfully taking a more nuanced and sensitive view of the situation.

I'm glad your menopause is going well.

But that is not true for a staggering number of other women, and it won't be true for many of the younger ones coming up either. And this has economic as well as emotional and relational effects: a lot of women retire earlier, with less savings accumulated, than they expected because of the effects of menopause.

We should all be properly informed about menopause, and we should tell the younger ones, so that we/they can see it coming and take whatever means possible to mitigate it and avoid its worst effects.

And we should all be properly informed so that we can navigate the medical system, which is often as poorly informed as the general populace, and make sure we are correctly and adequately treated.

And we should all be properly informed so that we can put pressure on the government and research bodies to do more research on menopause. It's so poorly researched that there are no publicly available data on menopause research monies that I can find. More research on the options for women like OP's wife are needed, for example.

Only by being informed and actively pushing change can we improve our lot, and that of our daughters and grandaughters.

@Sunshineandblueskysalltheway
the other partner has celibacy imposed upon them because 'marriage vows'. - but equally no-one should have sex imposed on them because of these same vows.

Stop pretending I even suggested that people should have sex imposed on them.

It’s her body- she can choose to deny access to it. He can either accept that or find a new relationship.

As for the “why can’t she pleasure him?” He has two hands.

I'm 60, and went through this some years ago. I've also been on anti-depressants, which made it worse. After some discussions, I decided to try vibrators. I've found a favourite and we've been very happy ever since

@TwinklySquid spectacularly missing the point.
Not wanting or being able to have sex is one thing. Withholding affection within a so called loving relationship is cruel and shows a lack of affection towards the partner. Hence me doubting the OP's wife's depth of feeling for him.
Pleasuring yourself is not the same as someone pleasuring you.
I do agree that he needs to consider if the marriage is worth holding on to.
Given the w

Given the wife's disdain and lack of concern for how he feels, I would seriously question just how wonderful this woman is OP. You say she's always there for you. Really doesn't seem like it.

Ooh I'd love to know which one!

By his own admission, he was harassing her for sex.

That's a major turnoff. Sex should be enthusiastically agreed to, otherwise it's coercive. And coercion leads to aversion, including to non-sexual intimacy, because it might get the other party horny and lead to the same argument.

Nobody is owed sex.

Maybe you should read through the whole thread. This has been discussed ad nauseam.

And OP realises that he needs to back off and give her space.

How have I missed the point?

It’s not cruel to not want to have sex. Sex, despite what some people on mumsnet think, is not in fact a right.

Would you really want to give affection back to someone who only seems to start it to get their dick in you? As that is what seems to be the case. This poor woman has probably been pushed and pushed to have sex to the point that even a cuddle will be avoided least it start something sexual.

You aren’t owed pleasure from anyone.

If you aren’t happy dealing with “in sickness and health” why get married in the first place? OPs wife has had a huge life change and he’s on here moaning he can’t get his rocks off. So do tell me, why is OP not seen as cruel for trying push his wife into sex?

I am deeply concerned by the amount of women who seem okay with the wife just lying back and thinking of England to save this marriage. That is no way to live .

Let me go get the world’s smallest violin.

Perfectly put.

'Would you really want to give affection back to someone who only seems to start it to get their dick in you'

It is sad that this is how some people interpret intimacy, 'get their dick into you' . Obviously some on here have had bad experiences it is perhaps understandable why they are projecting and have such negative views.

Thing is intimacy isn't about 'getting dicks in', 'getting rammed', 'sticking it in holes' or any of the other delightful terms we've seen on here it is about 2 people connecting on a physical level which actually enriches a relationship. It is what separates a friendship from a loving relationship.

No-one should feel obliged to have sex but nor should they enforce their sex ban on others without even attempting to improve the situation.

Yes but the underlying message with doing all of these may come across as you therefore deserve sex because you have been “good”. Which is a massive turn off as the expectation of sex becomes transactional.

if you did these things purely because you love her, and with no (conscious or subconscious) ties to reigniting a sexual relationship then that is different.

But if you’re honest with yourself it may be that you did all these things to try and “fix” what’s wrong and achieve a result in sex.

Often we hear posters ask an op 'yes but do you help out, do you wash up, put the bins out, take her out for treats do you make her feel loved?? I think the op was merely stating he doesn't just ignore her and make her feel rubbish, he seems to respect her and want her to be happy and what's wrong with that?

I think this should be your plan of action:

Expect not to have sexual contact for the next 6 months/ year.

Spend lots of time being close physically without any expectation of sex. I think that this way she will come to trust that you are not just doing things to lead up to something more.

This should allow her to trust your actions as I suspect she thinks every move you make is because you want sex. She probably feels guilty for not wanting it too.

Sexual contact between two people who both want it is a lovely thing.

Sexual contact when one person doesn’t want it is a horrible thing. It is most horrible for the person who doesn’t want it. (And that includes “pleasuring”.) Just because there are some people on this thread who aren’t into sex but don’t mind it and are perfectly happy to do it from time to time and fake enthusiasm, that doesn’t mean OP’s wife feels the same way. She obviously doesn’t.

However, sex involving one unwilling partner is also horrible for the partner who DOES have the desire. I mean, what’s sexy about foisting yourself on someone? The whole nice thing about sex is that both people want each other. I don’t understand how anyone could enjoy having sex in that situation - personally I would just stop having sex. I get that rapists enjoy it, but being a rapist is frowned on and I think that’s more about power and other unpleasant motivations which I’m sure don’t apply to OP.

That’s why the fakers on this thread need to fake the enthusiasm - because sex without enthusiasm is bleak. And if they kind of enjoy it because it enriches their relationship then bully for them. But having unwanted sex and faking enthusiasm for it is a miserable way to live otherwise.

But it is not a simple transaction. The absence of doing all of these useful things that any normal person should do as part of being an equal partner will nearly 💯 result in a crap relationship. But it isn’t the case that taking the bins out = sex!