Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

There’s no shame in being hurt. You are allowed to have feelings too. And as 25 pages here testifies, there’s nothing ridiculous AT ALL about being upset. Bearing in mind how tough MN can be sometimes, to have such overwhelming agreement and support on here is very revealing. Their behaviour before, during, and since has been indefensible.

I think so often as women we’re scolded for being “hysterical” or expected to minimise our own feelings to make others more comfortable.

Fuck that.

You are justified in feeling hurt, excluded, and let down by those closest to you. How you move forward is up to you but don’t think for a SECOND that you have to swallow your feelings to assuage others if you don’t want to.

This is unforgivable to me. Being the ONLY one left out, EVERYONE knowing to keep this a secret from you, it's humiliating isn't it. The marriage is done, you're invited to the after party as if you're some acquaintance. They expect you to shut up and go along like some fool. I would not reach out to them, because that is what they are expecting. They all have gaslit you into thinking you are the issue. What a disgusting thing for them to do. They ALL KNEW.
So if your step dad didn't send you the picture, I can guarantee you wouldn't have found out until the actual wedding and the horror of finding out then would be even worse.
Unforgivable.

Arrgh @SweetBabyCheesus I meant to say ‘he thought you might get in touch first’ but it won’t let me edit, annoyingly, even though it did the first time 🫣

Well that stops now. Or just tell her she’s over reacting, minimise it or tell her it’s no big deal. It’s not tit for tat, revenge or pettiness. It’s energy matching. You get what you give. How’s that working out for you mother dear?…

@SweetBabyCheesus I definitely think he knew he had done wrong in his response to your txt. Your txt was absolutely fine but he read into it what he wanted to - that he had chosen to isolate you.

The fact they all kept it from you and delivered it in a way via the photos of your mum was calculated by your mum and step dad.

I and 99% of other people would feel exactly the same. I really feel for you.

She’s in a very un-enviable position - not entirely of her own making. She’d have no doubt preferred you to have been there, OP, but it wasn’t her wedding to call the shots - but you’d hope she’d have at least fought your corner while arrangements were being made, even if she did or didn’t agree with them.

They obv opted for the easier to apologise after (not that they have) rather than ask/ explain before schtick. A lot of crap men do this when it comes to booking ‘lad’ wknds away 🙄 Unfortunately you are in the minority. They have all taken part in an event and no doubt know it was wrong to exclude you but they are going to stick to the you’re making far too big a deal out of this theme, assuming you will back down if they all say it to you bc you will be the problem-manufacturer for not letting it lie, which not one of them would if it had been down to them - like your mother admitted in the scenario you put to her earlier. They are effectively making your whole family dynamic from here YOUR responsibility.

But yeah your mum has shot herself in the foot (as has your brother) bc you are probably the go-to person when they both require emotional support, and the fact you’ve known them so well for so long means you will be able to offer insight and invaluable advice that not a lot of other ppl in their lives will be able to do, now or maybe ever.

By hurting you they are hurting themselves but they probably won’t see or admit this for a while. Thats when the half-apologies may slither your way. But don’t hold your breath. They will try to blame you for fracturing the family if you don’t make the peace, and guilt you into toeing the line I’m sure - despite the fact you were the one wanting to be included in a massive family occasion but were shoved out of it. It’s very shitty. Did they think you’d never find out?

Bet step-dads name is mud right now for letting the cat out the bag before time!

The money you were going to spend going to the 'after-wedding' wedding could be spent on a party for your partner, kids and friends. Don't invite your mum or siblings but do post a picture on social media.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep
others warm. And cease being her emotional support human: she can find some other sap (because that is what she really thinks of you, her loyal and dependable sap) to do it.

I’ve been on MN quite a while, and this is one of the most shocking and heartbreaking posts I’ve ever read.

OP, you are absolutely not being a baby. I would feel exactly the same, and almost everyone replying on this thread has said so too.

Please don’t reach out to your brother to clear the air, as some PPs have suggested. And I definitely wouldn’t now be going to the destination wedding part, in fact I wouldn’t even offer an apology or excuse for that decision.

Even though it’s very sad that you may end up in a NC situation with some family members, I wouldn’t try to be the bigger person, because I feel your brother is expecting you to do that, given his unforgivable lack of communication to you.

Hugs and good luck.

This happened in a similar way to me OP. Wasn't invited to my brother's wedding 'as they had to keep it to sixty only'. 😕
We were close until he met this woman who was very insecure and not the brightest spark tbh, and I tried to be friendly despite her snide remarks in my family home.
I'll cut to the chase and give you the outcome.

Only saw either of them again at my parents' funerals. Was done with both of them. Brother died a couple of years later leaving his twat of a wife with a small child.
In any other circumstances I would have been a rock to a woman in that predicament but...they have 60 others ahead of me so...🤷‍♀️

Im sorry but It's like the whole family think of you as a pushover.

To not only not invite you, but to deliberately conceal the wedding from you.

Then they try to normalise their deceit by sending photos on the day as though you'd known about it all along, so in effect gaslighting you.
Then you even have the good grace to send a nice congratulations message, which your brother takes offence at!!! so then the tables are turned onto you, how bloody manipulative of him.

Then instead of trying to make things better with you, he stonewalls you so trying to manipulate you to thinking it's all your fault again!!!

honestly he's a shit and I would not be speaking to him again, never mind going to the wedding.
He's trying to treat you like the pushover they've all got used to. he thinks you'll give in and be sorry.

They will all justify it to each other to make themselves all feel better and as they're the majority they think you'll back down.

I'm sorry but they are a shit family.
if it was me, I would go very low contact with them all.
I wouldn't be contacting any of them unless they contacted me first. Then i wouldn't tell them much, I'd keep it grey rock.
I would just concentrate on my own family from now on and there'd be no invites for them to anything from now on.

You might have got over it, if they'd been sorry and tried to explain the reasons behind the lack of invite, but they haven't even had the good grace to do that, No they think you should just accept their shitty behaviour and if you don't it's all your fault for being too sensitive.

Leave them to each other, get on with your own life and family, you don't need shit people like that in your life.

What an unbelievably shitty way to treat you. I'd be really upset too.

Your family are a complete bunch of arseholes and I'd have no qualms about allowing your daughter to let rip at them.

I can't believe you're still talking to your mother and I certainly wouldn't be spending money I can ill afford going to the fake wedding abroad.

I'm late to the party, but wanted to add to the chorus of sympathetic posts. I'm really sorry your family has behaved so badly; not only have they hurt you but they have dismissed your feelings. It all sounds very dysfunctional.

My advice, FWIW, is to spend time reflecting and licking your wounds before you decide what to do in the longer term. Check out the Stately Homes thread and read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward ("toxic" might sound extreme but your mother has certainly been toxic about this). You could even consider some therapy, not because there's anything wrong with you at all, but for support in processing this realisation about your family and deciding what to do next. It's a kind of bereavement, coming to terms with the fact that they don't love you the way you thought they did, and it's really painful.

As for whether and how you contact your brother, it's a tricky one. I think it depends whether you want a response from him; from your posts it sounds as if you feel that he owes you an explanation (he definitely does!) and it could be even more hurtful and infuriating if you send him a message and he doesn't reply. I might be inclined to just call him, but you know him and you say it's likely to turn into an argument. Do you want to say your piece? Do you want to hear what he has to say? Do you think the relationship might be salvageable? The problem is that if you don't contact him at all, the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to reopen the lines of communication. So it depends if you're willing to let the relationship end here.

Whether you contact him or not, I don't think you should go to the fake "wedding" abroad. Fuck that. Even if you lose money on flights, accommodation etc.

I agree. Your text was fine. He has read it with a guilty conscience , as he should! Do not contact

It absolutely does feel a bit like a bereavement. I have thought about this such a lot over the last few weeks.

There is a decision to be made, and the consequences of that decision are going to be far reaching.

So I will be taking some time to decide. And I'll be setting a limit on a month since the wedding for my brother to reply.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

But this is the stuff that feuds to the death are made of - and it really upsets my mum if any of us fall out

He should have thought about that before. And so should your mum.

I'd be sending a 'sorry can't make it' response and fuck off somewhere on holiday instead.

OP - your brother did something wrong and it upset you. You then let him know you were upset by his behaviour.

He feels bad that his behaviour has caused you upset but rather than doing what a grown up would normally do and blame his own behaviour and try to think of a way he can fix it- he’s angry at you for making him feel bad about what he did.

The problem is you have made him feel bad now. Not that he made the mistake that led to all this.

so he’s not contacting you as it’s your job to fix the fact you made him feel bad by pointing out he’d hurt you.

Your mum wants to know your brother and you have spoke, because she wants it to be all ok again. She’s saying she won’t get involved - although she knows she’s involved from the start as she was part of the secret being kept from you that caused the hurt. (While the main blame sits with your brother, she also kept the secret so has some blame). What she means by she doesn’t want to get involved is she doesn’t want to get involved with fixing the problem, even though she was happy to get involved with creating the problem.

Your job in the family is to make everyone else feel better. Time to stop. Stop being an emotional support.

Match your brothers energy, but accept this might mean he’s no longer in your life if apologising means he has to accept he’s the one in the wrong.

I reckon he’s distancing himself and acting like it’s nothing. That way he can stick to his guns and act all nonchalant and as though you’re being dramatic.

So this “it’s nothing important, totally insignificant, purely a formality” wedding, I’m assuming your brother & his wife dressed in jeans and T-shirt as it “wasn’t a proper wedding” and didn’t dress up in wedding outfits?

This exact thing happened to me with my twin brother but as we were told it was only their 2 friends going as witnesses and noone else, I just had to accept it, at least it wasn't kept a secret from us and no other family were invited

This truly is such a nasty thing to do to a family member and I'm not surprised that you are gutted. Not only what happened about keeping the wedding secret, but by then trying to twist it so it all becomes your fault. You have NOT done anything wrong here. I'm guessing that deep down they know they have done wrong but haven't got the courage or maturity to face it and admit it. I'm afraid they have truly shown you their true colours and it's not pretty.

Fwiw, I wouldn't be making any attempt to contact any of them. They owe YOU an apology and an explanation. I couldn't even consider going to the overseas 'wedding' unless this is received and they admit and understand how hurtful their actions have been. It is not up to you to 'just deal with it' or whatever. It is up to them to accept responsibility.

I have also been treated appallingly by my own family in the past. Different circumstances but similar in that I was excluded from a major family event and then falsely accused of doing things that other family members had done to me. Utterly bonkers. I decided I had to break contact at that point and I can honestly say that I am happier for it.

I don't know if this has been suggested, but I found it helpful to write down how I was feeling. No-one else needs to see it (unless you want them to). Maybe go through each part of what each family member has done to you in this situation, how it made you feel and what, if anything, you want from them in the future. You can even bin it or burn it when you've finished. I found it very cathartic.

Please remember, you are not in the wrong here.

I haven’t heard that phrase for such a long time but it’s brilliant and so appropriate here.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Nailed it in one @AttilaTheMeerkat.

I think you need to be much blunter, honestly. Tell them you are waiting for them to apologise and make it up to you.

Actually, they weren't in jeans and t-shirt 🤣 But they didn't wear wedding outfits either - she wore a pretty dress and he wore a shirt and trousers.

My mum and the mother of the bride were dolled up, and the other men were wearing suits. Couldn't see what my sister was wearing because she was sitting down signing the register!