Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

I provide her emotional support. She is an emotional person, and I am often her sounding board, because we understand each other. Well, I thought we did. The other two don't get her like I do.

But even if that were the case, why the secrecy?

Well she was definitely involved in the decision to keep the wedding a secret. She seems quite selective with what she gets involved with, and always to your detriment.

I’m really sorry they are being so thoughtless and cruel towards you. There might have been a million different reasons as to why they did what they did and excluded you - that doesn’t matter. What matters is they didn’t have the manners to explain why beforehand OR afterwards, and they’ve brushed it under the carpet afterwards, knowing you’re upset, without so much as an apology or conversation- heck not even an argument! Had they explained beforehand none this would happen.

How sad for you, Op. To be treated differently and not being able to decide whether it was important yourself.
I think it would have been a simple numbers thing, maybe assuming that to invite you would mean inviting your DH or, more likely, that they wanted the same no of witnesses from each family.
Writing a letter could be best. Write one; you express your feelings very well and it is important that your brother knows how you are feeling. I hope he comes up to visit you. Invite him to stay.
I don't think being estranged from your family forever would be a happy outcome for you, Op. Therefore, I would attend the actual wedding.

Sorry OP but what a bunch of BASTARDS!!

I think the only way forward is to go hire a wedding dress, get your bloke a suit, and snap a photo of you both and send it to the family WhatsApp with no explanation.

I absolutely detest feeling left out and my family do it plenty. I hope you are ok @SweetBabyCheesus because the whole of this situation sucks.

The mum says, I don't want to be involved.
Rather rich considering she took part in excluding her daughter and keeping the wedding a secret. She is involved. People are such cowards.

My mum is just acting like nothing has happened. I spoke to her yesterday and she asked if I'd heard from him. I said I hadn't, and we are becoming dangerously close to falling out as a result.
She said "well I don't want to get involved"
As I said to her... YOU BROUGHT IT UP!

But she is involved, she withheld something really significant. She’s as guilty as your brother

In that case, she's really shot herself in the foot. If you provide her emotional support, I'm even more baffled that she would allow you to be excluded from such a significant family event without fighting your corner, but she really doesn't seem to care. She will only start to care when there are negative consequences for her, i.e. if you stop being her emotional support. She really doesn't deserve all your love and care.

I sent them a kind message each wishing them well and bawled into my pillow for the night. Sent a rather sharp one to my dad saying I had no idea. The response from all was that they wanted to keep it small. Like I said, I do understand that but really wish I had been told it was happening. Still hurts to be honest!

I think take your time to decide what you want to do here . You've not been treated well and now they want you to just get over it taking no responsibility at all and that's not right .

Don't let your feelings be my minimised or dismissed , that's just another way to keep you quiet

Take your time to decide what you want and heal

Urgh they sound mean, what a thoughtless thing to do. They should have apologised and explained, if there was a genuine misunderstanding.

I sometimes feel left out of things in my family, I think my mum likes to feel she's everyone's number one so she tries to sabotage relationships between my brothers, wider family and me. Sometimes I will just find out they are all meeting up without me, or my mum will tell me that so and so doesn't want to meet up when actually they do. Obviously if anyone did that to her she would be completely heartbroken! I ignore it all but I always know she's not to be relied on and I keep her at a distance emotionally. We get on fine on a superficial level but it's not the close relationship that other people have with family.

Utilise the trip, or the money from cancelling the fake wedding, to marry DP.

Just do it, and post lovely photos!

They are treating you like shit and I am so angry on your behalf!!!

Funnily enough @DungareesTrombonesDinos , we were driving past our local registry office steps the other day, and I said "come on, let's take some pictures and piss everyone off" 🤣

My family did things like this and my feelings were dismissed . My family is ruled by dominant argumentative men who get what they want and criticise those who don't agree usually me

He’s silent because either he doesn’t know what to say or wants you to apologise.

Your description suggests he’s quite pig-headed so accepting he’s been a dick and apologising won’t be something he finds easy to do.

Alternatively, he thinks you’re in the wrong so is stubbornly waiting for you to apologise.

Either way he’s expecting you to make the first move to get in touch with him - especially because it sounds as if you’ve always been the conciliatory one. He’s expecting you to do what you’ve always done and smooth things over.

I think you’re being extremely magnanimous even talking to your mum. It doesn’t sound as if any of them especially care that your relationships are irrevocably damaged - as long as continue to play nice and smile sweetly. None of them actually give a shit about how you actually feel, or so it would seem from your updates.

Ha! You should email them a link to this thread 😂😂 (for the purposes of clarity I’m clearly joking but seeing 20 pages of strangers almost unanimously agreeing they’ve behaved terribly might provide pause for thought!! If only!!)

I wouldn't be her emotional support. That's now something that your sister and your brother and his new wife can provide to her along with your Step father.

Stop being their rock when they weren't yours.

I wish I could! It expresses how I feel so much better than I could say it face to face, where I would undoubtedly get emotional and ridiculous.

You did what you could to keep a brave face.
I'm sorry. 🩷

I'm so sorry @Differentbreed. Why are people such thoughtless arseholes?

So you provide her with emotional support….and she sneaks around behind your back, conspires to exclude you from a big family event, and then gaslights you when you’re upset, before declaring that she doesn’t want to be involved.

Grrrr.

I think I might find I was a little less available for her for a while OP. Let her go cry on your DB’s shoulder.

Honestly, I’m flaming on your behalf 🫣

I can only think @SweetBabyCheesus that because you said ‘can we talk another day’ that you might get in touch ‘first’. Either way, they are completely in the wrong. Sending photos signing the register is like rubbing your face in it - and as you said, if they had spoken to you up-front you’d likely have been fine. I’m using ‘tone deaf’ again because that is what they are. I was upset that my best friend decided to marry without telling me many years ago but if my family did this I’d be devastated. It would be different if someone eloped and didn’t tell anyone but … leaving someone significant out when the others were there? Thoughtless at best … incredibly hurtful. I think I might write or message saying “I had expected to hear from you by now so you could explain how you thought it was OK to exclude me from your marriage ceremony. I could maybe have understood if it was a couple of people who had to witness, but I don’t see why bride’s brother was there yet I was not, nor why I was not if bride’s parents were there. Being the last to find out while everyone else except me clearly knew, was the icing on the cake” or something (cake pun not intended). Edited to say I’d probably do nothing and leave it to them to contact me but if after 3 months I hadn’t heard I’d be letting them have it.

Hope you rethink this …

There's going to come an opportunity, OP, to say to your mum 'I don't want to get involved'. Bear that in mind.

Also, looking ahead, don't find yourself cornered into sorting out care, or funeral arrangements, for your mum on the grounds that the other two can't manage it and you are so dependable. If you want to do things, that's different to the expectation that you will put up and shut up.

Again, this is a lovely thought. But why should I yet again tiptoe around everyone else's feelings and push mine aside? I've done it my whole life, and it's wearing very thin.

So I dont actually push my feelings aside, @SweetBabyCheesus . I just express them in way and at a time that I know will land the best to get what I need. I know my sister cannot handle face to face discussions when she is in the wrong. And I will just end up being frustrated and angry, which drains me and takes up time and energy.

I will give you an example. Sister knew where my car keys were and took it while I was away. Came home and found a massive scrape down the passenger side. My lovely neighbour told me she saw my sister driving it away and had also noticed it came back damaged. I hit the roof, talked to my parents, my mother wanted me to keep quiet to keep the peace.

I waited a day until my initial anger had calmed a little and wrote to sister. I said I knew she had driven my car, and while I would have been angry with her for that I would have been less disappointed than the lying about how my car had been damaged. She wrote back asking if I wanted her to pay. I told her I did. She kind of apologized, but it was certainly not effusive. But at least I knew I had said my piece.

I told my mum that this was unacceptable, that I was not going to keep quiet, and that while I understood her desire to protect her daughter, I was also her child and deserved to be treated fairly.

I find it helpful to think about writing a report - the facts, and nothing but the facts, and then my bottom line.