Am I being an absolute baby over this? Need some advice please

[SweetBabyCheesus]

Apologies, prepare yourselves, this is a long one!

I'm 54, & my brother is 45. We are really close, and I would consider him one of my best friends, and I thought he thought the same.

My brother is getting married abroad later in the year. His fiancée is from the country that they are marrying in, although she lives with him in the UK. They have been together for about 12 years, I think. We all get on great.

A few weeks ago, midweek, my stepdad sent me a pic of my mum all dressed up. I sent my mum a message asking where she was going looking so glam - and she replied that she was going to my brother's wedding in London. Then said that it was just a formality and they had to do this to enable the wedding in the autumn abroad. My mum and stepdad were there, my sister was there as she can't go to the 'proper' wedding, and my brother's fiancée (wife!)'s parents and brother were there (from their home country).

I was at this point really confused, because despite having spoken to my brother in the last couple of weeks - NOBODY has mentioned this to me at all. Not a word. I speak to my mum at least once a week too.

Then they all started sending me pics, of the wedding at the registry office, pics on the steps of the happy couple, and pics of the meal that they all went to afterwards - and now I'm really starting to feel hurt.

Later in the evening, my brother sent me a pic of them signing the register, saying something along the lines of "just the formal bit before the actual wedding!"

I replied "Congratulations!! Looks like you've all had a lovely day!! ❤️❤️ xxx"
He replied back "Have I done something? That sounded a little clipped"
I messaged him back saying I was absolutely gutted that I knew nothing about this, and that I wasn't invited, and that I really didn't want to spoil his day, so could we speak another time?
I am still waiting for a response, almost 3 weeks later.

I need some opinions. I'm not one for conflict, but I also won't walk away from confrontation if needed. I am beyond hurt. Everyone else in my close family was there apart from me. Her parents flew in from another country, and I wasn't even invited.

My brother is quite a difficult person, but we understand each other and accept each other warts and all. I love him dearly, and he knows that - and trust me, if I had done this to him, he would never forgive me.

I cannot understand in what world, ANY of them couldn't have thought that this would hurt me. My mum thinks that he just 'forgot' to tell me because it wasn't a big deal - but it was enough of a big deal for everyone to dress up, all go out for dinner, and take loads of pictures... Without me.

The point also needs to be made that the message I sent to my brother was in no way "clipped". His message to me smacks of a guilty conscience. So why didn't he invite me?

I'm stuck in this awful limbo of wanting to get this sorted out, but at the same time, I'm sick of smoothing things over to the detriment of my own feelings. Why should I message him again? Why should I fork out thousands of pounds that I honestly don't have, to go to a wedding of someone that apparently cares so little about me?

Am I being unreasonable to be so hurt? Am I being a massive drama queen? Am I making it all about me?

I'm just gutted.

Great post - particularly - The problem is you have made him feel bad now. Not that he made the mistake that led to all this.

and she doesn’t want to get involved with fixing the problem, even though she was happy to get involved with creating the problem.

Really insightful and well phrased!

They are gaslighting you. To say it wasn’t important and not tell you about it happening, yet to send photos immediately after the event was cruel, like they suddenly remembered you.

I think your brother's stuck in a lie he's told himself. First, that the registry wedding didn't matter when he didn't invite you. That might have been for some simple reason like they needed to book the next size up room if you came and it wasn't available but his in laws had booked their flights. Then on the day he was feeling guilty and when you messaged he acted guilty but instead of apologise he made the clipped comment. Then instead of realise he'd hurt you when you replied he's continued the lie by blaming you for trying to spoil his day and telling himself he's better off without someone who'd do that in his life.

I'm not trying to excuse him but it might be something that has spiralled and now he doesn't know how to wind it back and doesn't even realise he's in the wrong. Which he is.

I don't know how you can undo that but it probably means you need to be the bigger person again and hope he comes to his senses. I'd understand you not wanting to give him that chance but if it will make you happier to be in touch again then maybe. But do it for you not for them.

OP what they’ve done is appalling. What a betrayal. I’m sorry.

Are you planning on continuing to be your mother’s emotional support human? I wouldn’t be able to offer that up now, if I were you.

F

@WheresThe

I think your brother's stuck in a lie he's told himself. First, that the registry wedding didn't matter when he didn't invite you. That might have been for some simple reason like they needed to book the next size up room if you came and it wasn't available but his in laws had booked their flights. Then on the day he was feeling guilty and when you messaged he acted guilty but instead of apologise he made the clipped comment. Then instead of realise he'd hurt you when you replied he's continued the lie by blaming you for trying to spoil his day and telling himself he's better off without someone who'd do that in his life.

This is it, in a nutshell. I think exactly this.
But I don't know if I can carry on showing them all how to manage adult relationships any more. I just want to concentrate on the people that have my back.

Your brother is waiting and expecting you to calm down and smooth things over. He's obviously hoping by giving you time that you'll miss him and soften, that you'll basically disregard your own boundaries for his benefit.

He's just waiting for you to say it's ok, which obviously it isn't. He and the rest of them have benefited from your good grace for too long, it's a hard lesson for them now that their actions have consequences.

I'm sorry for you op 💐

Definition of manipulation:

When they blame you for your reaction to how they treated you….and….when someone uses tactics or power for their own advantage.

Him not holding himself accountable is a big red flag.

So sorry OP.

Can’t lie, I’d be beyond devastated. I think you’re bang on saying this is a turning point. You obviously can’t let it go and just attend the ‘evening do’ abroad with nary a word! I agree that writing to your brother is the way forward. You say he’d confront this and be very up front about how awful this is were it him in the same situation. I’d tell him you won’t be attending his secondary ceremony at vast expense.

Rather obviously, this was kept deliberately quiet as nobody mentioned it. Sending you pictures is just bizarre. They must all have been aware that you weren’t aware/invited and would be devastated, or why the hell would it have been kept secret? I think your mum is pretty duplicitous, she knows you’re extremely hurt and why. To pretend otherwise and to say she’s ’keeping out of it’ is shocking. She knew you’d be terribly hurt.

Turning point, @SweetBabyCheesus, but díos mío, you can’t simply lay down and be una alfombra (carpet).

They’re all just busy convincing themselves they’ve done nothing wrong.

Again - he doesn’t have a leg to stand on as their whole argument is that IT WAS JUST A FORMALITY!!!!!

So what was their to bloody spoil?!

Ah I am sorry you are so upset, it’s horrible to feel like that and so hurtful. Nobody knows your family dynamic other than yourself.
I have read your replies and it’s seems to me that your family is complicated as is everyone’s but you seem to be the lynchpin. You have a good relationship with your brother, you are an emotional support to your mum, you feel so hurt.

I guess it’s up to you where you go from here, if you don’t go to the wedding it will be a massive drama. Perhaps the legal bit really was no big deal to the bridal couple, there real ceremony is away and you are going. The legal bit is a formality, they asked your sister as she is not going to the wedding. Your parents and then her parents probably wanted to go and her brother to even the numbers.
maybe they wanted to keep it low key and said let’s not mention to you, but your stepdad let the cat out of the bag. Your mum tried to play it down and then they decided well you know now let’s not hide anything and continued sending photos.

Your brother doubled down when he got your text, knowing that he did wrong and you replied to his message.

Your mum is stuck in the middle and I suppose the next step is up to you. In my family I would let it go, contact my brother and hash it out but I wouldn’t want to loose contact with him. Only you can decide what is right for you. You are absolutely right be cross about it.

it really upsets my mum if any of us fall out

Sit tight, then, stay silent, and this will be stress tested. If it upsets her that much, she's either going to have to help fix your upset, or go to extraordinary lengths to convince you that you shouldn't be upset and should give in and accept this.

Of course I don't want to lose him from my life, I love him.
But I never thought in a million years that this person I love would treat me like that.

your family is complicated as is everyone’s but you seem to be the lynchpin. You have a good relationship with your brother, you are an emotional support to your mum, you feel so hurtThat's a really interesting way to look at it as a lynchpin is actually really important but doesn't get the glory or attention. But you can't do without it. Will be interesting to see what OP's family do about thatif you don’t go to the wedding it will be a massive dramaThat's no doubt how her brother would like to frame it, but I don't think it's accurate. For OP the massive drama has already happened. She should get to make future decisions on that basis.

OP just stay calm and quiet. Let time work this through. I had a falling out with my DSis a few years back because I stuck to my principles. I know I was right and she didn’t like to hear it( it was to do with her partner’s awful behaviour) but she chose him. We had barely any contact for a few years and it affected the wider family. Others felt the same as me but I stood my ground because my DD was targeted and I couldn’t let it go. Years later we reconciled at a family funeral. I tolerate the partner at a distance so I can have my sister back. Think carefully .

When is the 'not real' wedding actually being held, OP? Is it still several months away?

As someone who has had a lifetime dealing with these types of family dynamics I really feel for you @SweetBabyCheesus this is an incredibly hurtful situation & I think you are handling it with real grace 🌸

Yes, it's in the autumn.

I'm so sorry for you OP, this must be extremely hurtful. Perhaps you need to get some closure by expressing everything you feel in a letter to him?

Those of you kindly saying that I'm handling it really well would think differently if you'd have seen me on the day!

It's made me re-evaluate everything, and I'm straddling feeling utterly betrayed, and almost an epiphany.

They can’t have it both ways.

Either it was significant occasion (most weddings are) and was a special time for OP’s brother, that she is being accused of spoiling - in which case WHY was she not only excluded but kept in the dark about it (obv bc they were hoping to let her know at/after the foreign wedding to ensure she didn’t ’kick off’ before and would still go and not create ‘drama’ 🙄)

OR - it really was just your average day at a building that happened to be a registry office… (albeit with everybody dressed up in suitable wedding-attire and a special meal, presumably not at Burger King afterwards) and OP’s brother is massively over-reacting.

Either way he’s in the wrong - as is everybody else who is joining in this ridiculous charade

I'm going to go to bed and watch some mindless drivel on tv before I go to sleep.

You women have been unbelievably supportive and utterly marvellous today. Truly MN at its best.

Thank you all x

Has your sister reached out at all?

No, but that's not unusual. We only really see each other at family things, and don't have much contact aside from that. I love her company when I do see her, but I'm happy with the level of contact as it is.