Ghosted after date as he had a "weird day - feeling foolish - hating OLD

[Frustrated40f]

Hi
I went on a date last weekend with someone I'd matched with on Bumble. It was a nice date, a couple of pints then went for a meal. He suggested meeting again and I said yes. We firmed up plans over WhatsApp, that we would meet for drinks on Wednesday and then go to a gig on Friday.
We were texting the rest of the weekend and up till Wednesday morning. I'd asked him how his day was and he replied "weird but OK" when I was at work. I came down with a horrible bug on Wednesday evening and didn't reply till Friday morning. I messaged him apologising for not replying sooner but that I had been unwell, and asked how he was, and sent him a gif of a band we both like. He's left it unread since Friday morning! I was looking forward to seeing him again, WIBU to follow up my messages from Friday asking if he still wants to meet this week? Or is this just the done thing now, and people just change their minds and don't reply if they no longer want to see someone again? And I should leave well enough alone?
(We kissed on the lips at the end of the date but nothing more, if it's relevant.)

@MumblesParty Anyway, how do we know he’s not ill, or dead? You’re labelling him toxic without knowing his reason for not replying.

Very true. He could have left the OP's messages on "unread" because he fell of a cliff, is really ill or had an accident, poor lad. His last day was "weird but OK" because he saw lights and now he's been kidnapped by a UFO. Jokes apart, you're right and he may have had a big problem.

Hmmmm I’ve been guilty of leaving people’s messages on unread and even deleting them whilst still on unread - if they’ve pissed me off or I feel like they’re a waste of my time or if I suspect they’ve lied to me and I don’t want to listen to their bullshit story. Not being toxic, just being protective of myself and not tolerating bullshit.

She could have enquired about why it was a weird day or at least acknowledged the text in some way. I sometimes answer posts with an emoji so at least people can see you've read the message. It's a courtesy really.

I don't view it as a 'lack of interest' when an online stranger doesn't text me for two days, I see it as normal and assume people have lives. Same thing vice versa. I on the other hand would see a major red flag if an online stranger expected me to text him every day, I would see him as a too "needy", obsessive or having a boring life which is a turn off. Horses for courses. Sometimes peoples energies just don't align and that's OK.

He hasn’t read it though has he? So maybe he doesn’t know she’s been ill (if I’ve read it properly). If that’s the case her lack of acknowledgement or curiosity to his having a weird day would probably be enough to put her in the don’t bother pile.

When people are ill they still have to physically phone work to let them know so I find it hard to believe OP was so ill she couldn’t send a quick text. She couldn’t have been that interested in him anyway.

So do you work OP? If so did they not wonder where you were for a couple of days?

The problem with OLD is that the pool of options is so huge that if you don’t hear from someone for a couple of days (when they have previously been a frequent texter) a lot of people (especially men) will just simply move onto the next one. It’s basically a case of if you snooze you lose.
And I’ll say this from a woman’s point of view but I assume the same happens for men too. When a guy I’ve met on OLD has been messaging frequently on a daily basis and then just disappears for 2 days and then comes back with some excuse that they have been so ill for 2 days that they couldn’t even pick up the phone to text me I’d think they were talking bullshit and I just wouldn’t bother replying to them, probably might not even bother reading their messages because past experience tells me that this happens all the time on OLD so it’s time to just move onto the next one. It literally is a bit like online speed dating in some cases.
It’s more to do with the pattern of the frequency in the messages changing rather than expecting someone to message every minute of the day. If both op and this guy were infrequent texters from the start it probably wouldn’t have been such an issue but it’s the change in frequency which probably made the guy move on to the next profile and now the op is not happy because the guy has basically done the same thing to her as she has done to him. In this situation it’s better for both parties to move on.

I'm single but another "dinosaur" like you and don't feel the need to text an online stranger daily. I find it perfectly reasonable to dissapear for a couple of days because you're feeling unwell and not in the mood of feeding someones ego. Maybe it's a generational thing?

I am also a dinosaur - but think that if you suddenly change the frequency of messages, then the other person might think it's strange?

And this is the problem with OLD and the reason I stopped doing it many years ago: it's dehumanizing. There you are with a "menu" of hundreds of people, any smallest 'infraction' such as 'her not texting me because she was ill in bed' (how dare she!) will be seen as a lack of interest that will have you ghost her and move on to the next blond on the "menu". You never run out on women in OLD so you discard them left and right depending on what you had for breakfast and your mood that day.

It's quite dehumanizing and I don't have the thick skin nor the patience. Algoriths are designed to have you hooked to the app and spend money, you meeting someone and being happy for ever after? That's not what they want as it would kill their business.

Hmm if someone asked me how my day was, I told them it was weird but there was no follow on questions or acknowledgement, then took a couple days to get back with an excuse of 'being too ill to mesg' - I'd assume they'd been on another date or were losing interest or had been put off by my last message. And would dial contact right back as I don't know them well enough. Or assume they're the sort of person who takes ages to respond normally which would put me off.

It takes 2 seconds to reply and is important in the early days of dating to make a good first impression. If it was a job you really wanted or a lottery win with a deadline, you'd make an effort to reply. So why not with someone you like and want to put your best foot forward for.

I met my now DH on the apps - the day after our first date (where we had slept together), he was called to police a riot that would take up the whole day. His phone was in the locker a distance away. In his 10 min break he rushed to his locker to mesg me (forgoing his lunch) as he didn't want me thinking he wasn't interested or being rude. Not something I expected of him at all but it showed me he cared enough to make a good impression, and about my feelings. He still replies promptly, to the point I know something is seriously wrong if he hasn't, and so do I. Not everyone would place such emphasis on it but we both do, that's why we are together.

Before DH I dated a guy who would often take ages to reply and always have an excuse - nice guy, loads of chemistry but his communication style was not for me. I didn't fancy wasting days of my life wondering if I'd hear from him again then feeling relief when he did.

Well, to be honest, he did have a point. Were you holidaying in an igloo in the middle of Antarctica with zero mobile phone coverage, because, if not...

But this is what people are trying to explain to you. And yet you’re claiming the man not reading the op’s messages is toxic. He probably thought op had ‘disgarded’ him and op now thinks he’s ‘disgarded’ her. It doesn’t seem toxic to me just a case of crossed wires.

What we do know about the discard situation with OLD though is if you snooze you lose so if op didn’t message him for a couple of days, he probably went to see who else he could swipe right on and chat to them instead ( Jeez they even do that whilst they’re arranging a date with you whilst claiming “you’re the only one I’m chatting to”) Now op has come back, it seems he’s no longer interested because he’s probably just moved onto the next one.

I agree and OLD is not for me either but if he hasn’t read her text then he doesn’t know she was ill, it’s not two texts. It is dehumanising indeed and very unforgiving. I think both of them prove it.

i dont think it is a big deal

It was before dating apps. I was using a desktop

@penelopelondon by why are you assuming he is being needy, obsessive, toxic etc? Why is it completely fine for OP not to text him for 2 days, but not for him to do the same? Why are you assuming her reasons were legitimate, and his are not? We have literally no idea why he hasn’t replied. As I said (and you acknowledged) he could be dead. And yet you think OP is reasonable, and her “date” is being a dick. Why?

Also the job market is the same! I'm interviewing people for a role in my team. And enthusiasm, reliability and motivation for the role/company is key. There was one candidate who interviewed well then didn't reply to request for a second interview for a few days. Everyone else got back through same day. By the time they got back we lined up other candidates (I assume another interview fell through) - they went to bottom of the pile as a maybe. I never got around to interviewing them as another candidate with an equal CV appeared more reliable and better suited. If someone cba to reply promptly to the hiring manager, I would expect it to get worse once we hired them when there's no more incentive to impress.

Same thing with dating.

Sorry but that's toxic behaviour in my book (hence the reason I'm not on the apps). Tech companies are creating algorithms that create toxic behaviour because toxicity is incredibly profitable. They can shove their algorithms up their b-m as I'm concerned 😀

If you like him and want to meet again, message to firm up the date.

If you’re not bothered, don’t.

Honestly, the overthinking and game playing isn’t necessary.

Good analogy and I agree.

Im in HR and it is a case of if someone is interested they will let you know they’re keen

I’m same as you at work. Someone can’t be arsed to reply for a few days - shows lack of interest.

Not comparable. Getting a job is utmost important, after all we need to pay our bills and put a roof over our heads and feed our children. We will be on our best behaviour because in the actual job market you don't have 5 interviewers wanting to see you. Online dates don't pay your bills and are a dime a dozen. I have male friends getting laid every weekend with different women, we're quite disposable apparently...

People sure are different. I'm not a serial texter and I have a 'life': a child, a full time job, single parent, a house to run, activities, hobbies, firends and family, lots of things. I also travel a lot. Just like many other people.

I don't view texting as 'stroking someone's ego', 'validation' or some such, I view it as conversation of a sort. No need to do it all the time and continuously, but a few texts here and there show interest.

Never during the whole of my life I've been SO fricking busy that it took me two days to reply to a text. Not when in hospital or any other reason. Sure, it can take a couple of hours, but not days. Leaving it unacknowledged for days is rude in my book and/or shows lack of interest. So I agree with the man in the OP and wouldn't reply to OP either.

Dated a surgeon for a while. Also a single dad. He was juggling his kids and his demanding job, and general life and still somehow managed to respond in timely manner. So sending a short text when ill doesn't seem to be beyond human capabilities.

Stating that a person you know almost nothing about is toxic and insecure comes across as pretty ironic to me, given all your snarky comments in the last couple of pages how people who are not exactly like you have no life, are boring, needy, obsessive, unkind, a red flag and so on.

Amazing how many people judge their spouses on their track record of responding promptly to texts. "Darling, what ever do you see in me?" "You respond quickly to texts." Oh the romance of it all!

I don't know this man, he could be needy, insecure, have 5 dates mapped out this week (thus no longer interested in the OP), be toxic, had a car accident felt ill, gotten arrested or fell inside a ditch. I have no clue. The REAL discussion here is about online dating and texting etiquette, (not so much about this guy we know nothing about). You find a stranger who texts you every day as something normal, I find it strange and see it as a red flag. Horses for courses I guess.

'find a stranger who texts you every day as something normal'.

In OLD, it doesn't seem abnormal or unusual for two people first getting to know each other to mesage every day, or even several times a day, no. We're in 2025, not 1925. To suggest that this is a 'red flag' seems as much of an overreaction to me as your claim that this man is 'toxic' for not responding to the OP.