Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after date as he had a "weird day - feeling foolish - hating OLD

186 replies

Frustrated40f · 09/02/2025 20:09

Hi
I went on a date last weekend with someone I'd matched with on Bumble. It was a nice date, a couple of pints then went for a meal. He suggested meeting again and I said yes. We firmed up plans over WhatsApp, that we would meet for drinks on Wednesday and then go to a gig on Friday.
We were texting the rest of the weekend and up till Wednesday morning. I'd asked him how his day was and he replied "weird but OK" when I was at work. I came down with a horrible bug on Wednesday evening and didn't reply till Friday morning. I messaged him apologising for not replying sooner but that I had been unwell, and asked how he was, and sent him a gif of a band we both like. He's left it unread since Friday morning! I was looking forward to seeing him again, WIBU to follow up my messages from Friday asking if he still wants to meet this week? Or is this just the done thing now, and people just change their minds and don't reply if they no longer want to see someone again? And I should leave well enough alone?
(We kissed on the lips at the end of the date but nothing more, if it's relevant.)

OP posts:
jubs15 · 10/02/2025 07:10

Good communication is essential and you should start as you mean to go on. You showed him that you couldn't be bothered to respond and understandably he was put off. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Zonder · 10/02/2025 07:16

Maybe he then fell ill?

Bubblyb00b · 10/02/2025 07:20

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 07:07

God, I couldn't be doing with dating and constantly texting, or have friendships with anyone who demands you are on a phone all the time. Not replying to texts for a couple of days because you are busy or unwell isn't ghosting.

It is perfectly ok when you are already friends with someone (i.e. you know them well), not when you are on OLD and only just met someone. Read @Mumofnarnia post, explains it clearly.

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 07:25

I do always wonder about these ppl who don't reply within a reasonable amount of time to someone they are in conversation with. Was you so ill you put your phone down and did not pick it up again till Friday morning or was you on your phone and he could see that for example you was on whatsapp. I doubt you was so unwell that you didn't pick up your phone, and another poster told you it takes a few seconds to reply. It was rude ignoring him and if you can't see that then as you were! As for him. Yes it does seem a bit over the top to not open your messages but maybe he' just thinks you're a time waster.

MelisandeLongfield · 10/02/2025 07:35

"Weird but okay" sounds a bit fishy to me - as though it might have been a prelude to some navel-gazing that resulted in him deciding your fledgling relationship wasn't working out.

Whatever it was leading up to, it's something of an attention-seeking comment - he was clearly wanting to be asked about the 'weird' bit - and you didn't, as he was expecting, start frantically texting to find out what it was, so he has probably moved on to find someone who will pander better to this sort of childish tactic.

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 07:37

Frustrated40f · 10/02/2025 04:04

Well there is this as well tbh: I didn't have much to reply to as he'd sent me a statement of fact not a question. If he had asked me how I was or something I think it would look worse on my part.

Show quote history

@Frustrated40f actually I think “weird but OK” is quite an opener really. The obvious reply is “what happened?”

Mulledjuice · 10/02/2025 07:41

You had 10 days between date 1 and proposed date 2. That's quite a while in OLD. Plus in that time you went quiet for 2 days.
He will have probably been going on other dates and maybe expected you to do so too.
No way of knowing what "weird but Ok" means but please

DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY if an otherwise promising first date from OLD doesn't end up going anywhere. It's a numbers game. It's not you, it's just not the right fit/right time.

mnreader · 10/02/2025 07:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mnreader · 10/02/2025 07:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 07:55

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 07:25

I do always wonder about these ppl who don't reply within a reasonable amount of time to someone they are in conversation with. Was you so ill you put your phone down and did not pick it up again till Friday morning or was you on your phone and he could see that for example you was on whatsapp. I doubt you was so unwell that you didn't pick up your phone, and another poster told you it takes a few seconds to reply. It was rude ignoring him and if you can't see that then as you were! As for him. Yes it does seem a bit over the top to not open your messages but maybe he' just thinks you're a time waster.

I completely agree with this. It’s very rare I would take a man’s side with anything to do with OLD as those who use it know what a cesspit OLD is. But on this occasion I think it’s a case of crossed wires. He probably thought op couldn’t be arsed to reply and probably didn’t believe that she was unwell. If this was a guy who’d done this to me and not replied for 2 days when communication had otherwise been very good and frequent, then came back and told me he was ill and had come down with a bug and couldn’t message me for 2 days I’d think he was talking bullshit. I probably wouldn’t believe him and even if I did I doubt he’d be that ill to send a message.
I’d probably have to be in hospital with something serious for me to claim I was too ill to message for 2 days.

And whilst there are people saying that it’s just a couple of days and people must be desperate if they can’t wait 2 days for a reply, I agree to some extent and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over a guy not messaging me for 2 days, I’d simply just assume he wasn’t interested and move on but also probably wouldn’t believe him either when he came back and told me “I’m so sorry I came down with a bug and it was impossible to pick up my phone for 3 seconds to message you for 48 hours”. OLD is like revolving doors with a ‘one in, one out’ system and it’s very common for people to just disappear for days when they have a better offer and then come back if it either doesn’t work out or if they want to keep you as part of a collection of ‘options’
So if I was the guy, I’d probably think op had found greener grass, was making excuses and simply couldn’t be arsed to reply for a couple of days. That’s just my opinion.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/02/2025 07:57

penelopelondon · 09/02/2025 22:34

I must be a total weirdo but if an online stranger who I've gone ONCE on a date doesn't message me for two days I loose no sleep. People have lives. If said person texts me after two days to tell me about his cold I would probably reccomend him some ginger tea and to get well.

Whats all this madness with people thinking it's rude not to text an online stranger for two days? Why being so over invested in someone you don't know from adam? I see as massive red flag someone getting pissed of because I don't text back for two days, I would see him as obsessive and he not having much of a life.

Edited

It isn't about the frequency - it's about CHANGING the frequency without a word.

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 08:03

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 07:55

I completely agree with this. It’s very rare I would take a man’s side with anything to do with OLD as those who use it know what a cesspit OLD is. But on this occasion I think it’s a case of crossed wires. He probably thought op couldn’t be arsed to reply and probably didn’t believe that she was unwell. If this was a guy who’d done this to me and not replied for 2 days when communication had otherwise been very good and frequent, then came back and told me he was ill and had come down with a bug and couldn’t message me for 2 days I’d think he was talking bullshit. I probably wouldn’t believe him and even if I did I doubt he’d be that ill to send a message.
I’d probably have to be in hospital with something serious for me to claim I was too ill to message for 2 days.

And whilst there are people saying that it’s just a couple of days and people must be desperate if they can’t wait 2 days for a reply, I agree to some extent and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over a guy not messaging me for 2 days, I’d simply just assume he wasn’t interested and move on but also probably wouldn’t believe him either when he came back and told me “I’m so sorry I came down with a bug and it was impossible to pick up my phone for 3 seconds to message you for 48 hours”. OLD is like revolving doors with a ‘one in, one out’ system and it’s very common for people to just disappear for days when they have a better offer and then come back if it either doesn’t work out or if they want to keep you as part of a collection of ‘options’
So if I was the guy, I’d probably think op had found greener grass, was making excuses and simply couldn’t be arsed to reply for a couple of days. That’s just my opinion.

Show quote history

Also, just to add to this. As he hadn’t had a reply from op, he probably went back on OLD during those 2 days and got chatting to someone else and now no longer feels the need to bother with op. This is how OLD is unfortunately.

Walkaround · 10/02/2025 08:04

? Given the fact you didn’t respond to his last message for two days, why are you so bothered by him not instantly responding to you? Just message him and ask if he’s still up for meeting in Wednesday, don’t waste time being the sort of person who makes negative assumptions about everyone else’s behaviour, but doesn’t seem to understand that exactly the same assumptions could be made about your own. Btw, personally, if a friend told me their day had been weird, I would assume they would quite like me to ask why, but you don’t actually appear very interested.

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 08:08

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 07:55

I completely agree with this. It’s very rare I would take a man’s side with anything to do with OLD as those who use it know what a cesspit OLD is. But on this occasion I think it’s a case of crossed wires. He probably thought op couldn’t be arsed to reply and probably didn’t believe that she was unwell. If this was a guy who’d done this to me and not replied for 2 days when communication had otherwise been very good and frequent, then came back and told me he was ill and had come down with a bug and couldn’t message me for 2 days I’d think he was talking bullshit. I probably wouldn’t believe him and even if I did I doubt he’d be that ill to send a message.
I’d probably have to be in hospital with something serious for me to claim I was too ill to message for 2 days.

And whilst there are people saying that it’s just a couple of days and people must be desperate if they can’t wait 2 days for a reply, I agree to some extent and I wouldn’t lose any sleep over a guy not messaging me for 2 days, I’d simply just assume he wasn’t interested and move on but also probably wouldn’t believe him either when he came back and told me “I’m so sorry I came down with a bug and it was impossible to pick up my phone for 3 seconds to message you for 48 hours”. OLD is like revolving doors with a ‘one in, one out’ system and it’s very common for people to just disappear for days when they have a better offer and then come back if it either doesn’t work out or if they want to keep you as part of a collection of ‘options’
So if I was the guy, I’d probably think op had found greener grass, was making excuses and simply couldn’t be arsed to reply for a couple of days. That’s just my opinion.

Show quote history

Yep exactly.. if it was the other way round and it was a man we wouldn't believe they were ill the poor sods 🤣🤣🤣🤣

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 08:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

So why is it OK for the OP to not text him for 2 days, but not OK for him to do the same?

TinyGingerCat · 10/02/2025 08:12

Unless you were in a coma I can't see why you couldn't spare 3 seconds to message him. Maybe he caught what you had when you kissed him and that's why he couldn't respond to you.

AngelicKaty · 10/02/2025 08:12

IlooklikeNigella · 10/02/2025 07:04

I'm trying to get it all clear.

He last texted you on Wednesday morning. You replied on Friday. You had plans for Friday but he left you unread. You've heard nothing all weekend.

If that's the case then he's ghosted you and you are well rid. Rude fucker.

No, that's not right (OP clarified in a later post as her first post did give this impression). In fact, he last texted OP last Weds morning and they had plans to meet up this Weds evening and to go to a gig this Fri evening, but when OP replied to his last text last Friday morning, he's left it unread so she now doesn't know if they're going out this Weds and Fri evenings (and she thinks he could be ghosting her).

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 08:16

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 08:08

Yep exactly.. if it was the other way round and it was a man we wouldn't believe they were ill the poor sods 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

Not sure if that reply to my post was meant to be sarcastic or not. Wasn’t saying I don’t believe men get ill or that we shouldn’t believe they do, just where OLD is concerned men disappear all the time then rock up a few days/ weeks/ months later with some lame bullshit excuse. So if I met someone on OLd and they disappeared for 2 days then came back and claimed they were too ill to message (when they had only come down with a bug) then I’d think they were talking bullshit. Could be genuine but there are so much bullshit stories and flakiness going about on OLD you get used to moving on pretty quickly once someone does this.

HT2222 · 10/02/2025 08:21

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 07:07

God, I couldn't be doing with dating and constantly texting, or have friendships with anyone who demands you are on a phone all the time. Not replying to texts for a couple of days because you are busy or unwell isn't ghosting.

Exactly.

Ghosting / toxic/ gaslighting... all these terms become meaningless when misused like "ghosting" is in this thread

IlooklikeNigella · 10/02/2025 08:27

Ok I'm going to assume that all this reduction in messaging happened last week and the Wednesday date is supposed to happen in two days and the Friday one two days after that.

Assume that's all fine unless you hear differently. The dates are in the calendar. You are busy and happy and getting on with your life.

Tomorrow send ONE TEXT.

"Hey, 'hope your week is going well. What time do you want to meet tomorrow?"

And that's all.

If he responds with a plan it's game on - get the details sorted fast and head into the date with no preconceptions. All this texting in between messes everything up.

If he blanks you or is vague on committing "not sure if I'll be able to make it, I'll let you know closer to the time" then it's game off permanently. Delete and don't answer anything else as he's not interested or not suitable.

User860131 · 10/02/2025 08:30

Are you both 12? Why all the drama over someone you've met once in your life? Either you both like each other enough to stop playing twatty games and have another date or you go your separate ways. The world will keep turning whichever choice you make.

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:30

HT2222 · 10/02/2025 08:21

Exactly.

Ghosting / toxic/ gaslighting... all these terms become meaningless when misused like "ghosting" is in this thread

Show quote history

This. She texted him back after two days stating she had been unwell in bed. He's actually the one who's ghosted her by leaving her messages on "unread" and making a dissapearing act with no explanation. He's the one with the toxic behaviour, not her.

borntobequiet · 10/02/2025 08:33

My neighbour was rushed to hospital the other day, seriously ill. The GP arranged an ambulance as soon as he saw her (it was a home visit, which says a lot). Despite this being on all sorts of drips and having all sorts of tests, she has been texting to keep friends and family updated.
I don’t know why you couldn’t. No wonder he’s given up on you.

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 08:34

. I came down with a horrible bug on Wednesday evening and didn't reply till Friday morning. I messaged him apologising for not replying sooner but that I had been unwell,

Unless you were dying, it seems a feeble excuse not to reply to his 'weird day' message.

All you had to do was say 'Sorry you've had a weird day. I'm feeling rough today with an XYZ, but I'll catch up with you soon.'

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 10/02/2025 08:36

Eh. I would have to be almost in a coma to not be able to quickly send a message saying "have an awful flu, will text when can".

I've been in hospital on the way to emergency surgery and managed to text my DH and mum.

I'm sorry, but he had a weird or bad day and then you didn't respond for two days. I wouldn't want to continue dating someone who just disappears like that either.