Ghosted after date as he had a "weird day - feeling foolish - hating OLD

[Frustrated40f]

Hi
I went on a date last weekend with someone I'd matched with on Bumble. It was a nice date, a couple of pints then went for a meal. He suggested meeting again and I said yes. We firmed up plans over WhatsApp, that we would meet for drinks on Wednesday and then go to a gig on Friday.
We were texting the rest of the weekend and up till Wednesday morning. I'd asked him how his day was and he replied "weird but OK" when I was at work. I came down with a horrible bug on Wednesday evening and didn't reply till Friday morning. I messaged him apologising for not replying sooner but that I had been unwell, and asked how he was, and sent him a gif of a band we both like. He's left it unread since Friday morning! I was looking forward to seeing him again, WIBU to follow up my messages from Friday asking if he still wants to meet this week? Or is this just the done thing now, and people just change their minds and don't reply if they no longer want to see someone again? And I should leave well enough alone?
(We kissed on the lips at the end of the date but nothing more, if it's relevant.)

Keep at it, ask to speak face to face I struggle to get out what I intend too over text so find it's easier to speak face to face
Also comments saying you ghosted him you was ill I'm sure you didn't intend on doing
sounds like he's playing games you didn't text him so he's not texting back lad needs to grow up and realise the world doesn't evolve around him

C'mon... it's TWO days FFS, then she texted him to let him know she was ill in bed! If this is going to cause a guy a massive wobble that he would move her into archive and stop reading her messages we are dealing with some very very insecure individual so good riddance! I believe this is more of a case were he just lost interest because his ex popped up or he is dating other people online.

Its not a wobble though is it. The dating pool is massive and easy to access, people expect "good" behaviour and if you don't conform to the expectation they move on. Some people ignore a whole parade of red flags, but other see one that is amber and priorities themselves and move on straight away

surely it depends on the actual message?

"weird but ok" and being blanked, means she's not interested. It's ok, it means move on.

Literally the advice we would give to anyone, forget about him/ her.

Overall we can only know our own feelings however well a date or meeting romantic or platonic went. It’s such early days here. As much as a persons look and even a perfect matching list of hobbies and interests plus attitudes to money rules etc could all gel perfectly. There is chemistry needed. Plus in all dating what all women need to remember is many men will go so far as having sex with women that they actively dislike as long as physically attracted.

I agree with this, I am terrible at replying but my friends know me and know it's not intentional I'm just busy and I'm not glued to my phone.

I don't think you know what toxic means.

If you apply that to casual dating and reading so much into not replying, God help you!

The right word is 'uninterested'.

I used to meet men (pre online dating) who said they'd call me - and didn't. Was that 'toxic'? Hardly.

Toxic is a term over used - it's appropriate for long standing trauma in families or serious relationships where there is abuse.

It's not for a date ignoring a text message and saying in effect they don't want to take it any further.

Bloody hell. I regularly don't reply the same day to texts.

If someone told me they had a weird day I would reply to that once I had read it though, as its such an obvious invitation to ask ' what happened?'

I see as massive red flag someone getting pissed of because I don't text back for two days, I would see him as obsessive and he not having much of a life.

What evidence is there he was pissed off?
He disappeared. That's fine.

Ok, maybe it would be more chivalrous to say he didn't want to continue with seeing her, but silence says the same.

People are allowed to cut contact without being 'pissed off'.
This is casual dating. You don't always have to tell someone you don't want to see them again- just not responding says that.

Let him off OP.

Its the change in behaviour. You can see from the OP, he has changed his behaviour and not opened her messages for a few days, and its playing on her mind, she's posted on a forum about it, and we're all dissecting the behaviour trying to understand what it means.

You need to be aware that this is what happens with OLD. He isn't a friend of hers, he doesn't know her, he is going by "we make the effort to message every day, she now hasn't made the effort for 2 days"

OLD has its own set of rules and expectations. If you don't reply everyday in real life, that's fine- and you don't have to message everyday OLD, what you can't do is just change your behaviour and expect the other person to hang around.

@BreezyScroller "weird but ok" and being blanked, means she's not interested. It's ok, it means move on.

She is interested because she then texted him back after two days full apologies letting him know she was ill in bed and trying to arrange another date, so this is not a case of lack of interest in the OP's part. She left the ball in his court and he's left her messages on unread and not responded so this is clearly a case of lack of interest in his part.

It’s very different when you have been on a dating and potentially want to pursue things compared to not replying to your friends who you have an established relationship with.

If you’re interested, you keep up conversation. By not replying after a date it sends the message ‘I’m not that bothered’ so I don’t blame him for ignoring her now.

But I don’t think she’s that interested anyway otherwise she’d have at least sent a holding message.
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But his dating OLD world does and is allowed to revolve around himself. He’s decided (I assume) that he’d rather pursue other options so after one solitary date he’s continuing with OLD.

@TwistedWonder But I don’t think she’s that interested anyway otherwise she’d have at least sent a holding message.

If I text someone on Friday morning and my messages are still "unread" by Sunday evening I assume he has zero interest or has "archived" me. If he hasn't bother to read my last messages what makes you think he would want to read my new messages?

I mean she could have sent a holding message between Weds morning and Friday - after 1 date her lack of response screams ‘not interested’

Whether people like it or not, lack of response after a date is usually someone showing they’re not bothered.

Hes moved on now by looks of it

He’s not her friend though and he doesn’t ‘know’ her. Not the same at all.

I guess I'm just too relaxed or have a solid ego because I don't get a wobble when an OLD stranger doesn't text me in two days. I have a life and assume others too. Probably I'm just old school and didn't grow up connected to a screen.

she updated and said it was this wednesday so not last week.

@penelopelondon he probably doesn’t believe her story that she was ill. Anyone who’s done OLD for any length of time knows that lies are often told to explain brief disappearances. He doesn’t like her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt, in the same way that she didn’t like him enough to text him while she was feeling unwell. Nothing toxic about either of them.

I’m nearly 60 so it’s nothing to do with age, it’s basic manners imo.

Having digs about other people’s egos or not having a life doesn’t change the fact that if she had any interest in him she’d have managed a quick 30 second text.

Anyone who has done OLD recently knows how it works.

@penelopelondon or maybe it’s someone who has boundaries, has been fed that line on OLD before, and can’t be bothered to start a relationship with someone who may or may not be lying. Like I said before, OP can’t have it both ways. He said he’d had a weird day, she then completely ignored him for 2 days, then popped back up saying she’d been struck down with a disease so horrific, it rendered her incapable of picking up her phone. Now she’s put out that he’s not replying. Double standards.

Anyway, how do we know he’s not ill, or dead? You’re labelling him toxic without knowing his reason for not replying.

I believe leaving her messages on "unread" and disappearing after she told him she's been ill in bed for two days IS really bad manners (and pretty unkind), hers being ill in bed two days without entertaining him not so much.

This guy sounds pretty unkind so I think the OP dodged a bullet here.

@penelopelondon but what if he’s ill?

We will agree to disagree on this one as I think she was rude in first place and he owes her nothing now.

Id be exactly the same as him if someone ignored me for two days after a date. It just screams - I’m not bothered so why should he be?

I don’t think either dodged a bullet - they’re just not that interested in each other