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Original poster

Ghosted after date as he had a "weird day - feeling foolish - hating OLD

186 replies

Frustrated40f · 09/02/2025 20:09

Hi
I went on a date last weekend with someone I'd matched with on Bumble. It was a nice date, a couple of pints then went for a meal. He suggested meeting again and I said yes. We firmed up plans over WhatsApp, that we would meet for drinks on Wednesday and then go to a gig on Friday.
We were texting the rest of the weekend and up till Wednesday morning. I'd asked him how his day was and he replied "weird but OK" when I was at work. I came down with a horrible bug on Wednesday evening and didn't reply till Friday morning. I messaged him apologising for not replying sooner but that I had been unwell, and asked how he was, and sent him a gif of a band we both like. He's left it unread since Friday morning! I was looking forward to seeing him again, WIBU to follow up my messages from Friday asking if he still wants to meet this week? Or is this just the done thing now, and people just change their minds and don't reply if they no longer want to see someone again? And I should leave well enough alone?
(We kissed on the lips at the end of the date but nothing more, if it's relevant.)

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 08:36

I'm glad I'm out of all of this and married.

In the old days before mobile phones and constant texting, people would just arrange a next date or they'd say 'I'll call you' - sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't.

This constant need to text someone you've barely met seems to complicate things.

TwistedWonder · 10/02/2025 08:38

After a first date you both need to let each other know if you’re keen and so not responding for 2 days sends out the message that the OP wasn’t actually bothered so I don’t blame the guy.

Tbh OP I don’t think you could have been that interested otherwise you’d have found two minutes to send one text - you had a bug you wasn’t in a coma

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:41

borntobequiet · 10/02/2025 08:33

My neighbour was rushed to hospital the other day, seriously ill. The GP arranged an ambulance as soon as he saw her (it was a home visit, which says a lot). Despite this being on all sorts of drips and having all sorts of tests, she has been texting to keep friends and family updated.
I don’t know why you couldn’t. No wonder he’s given up on you.

I would not be texting an OLD stranger if I were in hospital with a drip but I would be making sure friends and family know what's going on. OLD is probably the last thing on my mind when in hospital with a drip.

RitaFromTheRanch · 10/02/2025 08:43

You were weird not to reply. I mean how ill could you be where you couldn't type out a quick reply?

You totally pied him and more think it's his fault.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/02/2025 08:45

I remember that there was all sorts of games-playing tips back in the 1990s, and you'd read in women's magazines how long you should take before phoning someone if you have their number, or how long you should wait to phone them after a first date, or should you let them phone you? So as to appear keen but not too keen or needy.

What I loved about DH was there were no tactics or games playing and he straightforwardly told me how he felt and phoned me straight away etc.

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 08:47

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 08:16

Not sure if that reply to my post was meant to be sarcastic or not. Wasn’t saying I don’t believe men get ill or that we shouldn’t believe they do, just where OLD is concerned men disappear all the time then rock up a few days/ weeks/ months later with some lame bullshit excuse. So if I met someone on OLd and they disappeared for 2 days then came back and claimed they were too ill to message (when they had only come down with a bug) then I’d think they were talking bullshit. Could be genuine but there are so much bullshit stories and flakiness going about on OLD you get used to moving on pretty quickly once someone does this.

Show quote history

If this was a guy who’d done this to me and not replied for 2 days when communication had otherwise been very good and frequent, then came back and told me he was ill and had come down with a bug and couldn’t message me for 2 days I’d think he was talking bullshit.

I was not being sarcastic... i was not trying to imply you mean men don't get sick... I was simply making a joke with you because of what you said because I agreed with you. I was only talking in relation to the issue in the quoted situation not men being ill in general. And it was just meant as a light hearted joke. Apologies won't joke again.

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 08:48

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:30

This. She texted him back after two days stating she had been unwell in bed. He's actually the one who's ghosted her by leaving her messages on "unread" and making a dissapearing act with no explanation. He's the one with the toxic behaviour, not her.

Show quote history

@penelopelondon but maybe he’s ill ?

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:49

@DesperatelySeekingDan This constant need to text someone you've barely met seems to complicate things.

I'm single but another "dinosaur" like you and don't feel the need to text an online stranger daily. I find it perfectly reasonable to dissapear for a couple of days because you're feeling unwell and not in the mood of feeding someones ego. Maybe it's a generational thing?

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:49

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 08:48

@penelopelondon but maybe he’s ill ?

Show quote history

Maybe..but he must be very very ill because he hasn't even read her messages...

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 08:52

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:49

@DesperatelySeekingDan This constant need to text someone you've barely met seems to complicate things.

I'm single but another "dinosaur" like you and don't feel the need to text an online stranger daily. I find it perfectly reasonable to dissapear for a couple of days because you're feeling unwell and not in the mood of feeding someones ego. Maybe it's a generational thing?

I agree with you - that's what I was saying.

I just think that when someone says they've had a 'weird day' it's a bit of a shout-out for a reply , no matter how short. It suggests he wanted a response.

BunnyLake · 10/02/2025 08:52

You weren't planning on meeting till 10 days after your first date, you didn’t reply to his ‘weird but ok’ text which must have made him think you weren't interested and you’ve only had one date. I can see why he has put you on the don’t bother pile. OLD is a very different ballgame to old fashioned (traditional) dating. You have to be on your A game if you don't want to be on the ‘no’ pile, and that goes for anyone.

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 08:52

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 08:47

If this was a guy who’d done this to me and not replied for 2 days when communication had otherwise been very good and frequent, then came back and told me he was ill and had come down with a bug and couldn’t message me for 2 days I’d think he was talking bullshit.

I was not being sarcastic... i was not trying to imply you mean men don't get sick... I was simply making a joke with you because of what you said because I agreed with you. I was only talking in relation to the issue in the quoted situation not men being ill in general. And it was just meant as a light hearted joke. Apologies won't joke again.

Show quote history

Ah ok sorry. Sometimes messages are interpreted wrongly. And to my shame, didn’t realise you were the same poster who I’d quoted and that you was simply replying back to me. My apologies.

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 08:52

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:49

@DesperatelySeekingDan This constant need to text someone you've barely met seems to complicate things.

I'm single but another "dinosaur" like you and don't feel the need to text an online stranger daily. I find it perfectly reasonable to dissapear for a couple of days because you're feeling unwell and not in the mood of feeding someones ego. Maybe it's a generational thing?

OK fair enough, but it’s got to work both ways surely? How can OP think it’s fine not to text him for 2 days (when she’s ill, which he doesn’t know), but not fine when he doesn’t text her for 2 days (when he could also be ill, or maybe even dead). Why does her silence count as a reasonable level of communication, but his silence is classed as ghosting and toxic behaviour?

BunnyLake · 10/02/2025 08:55

He could very well have met someone else in that time and thought OP too flaky to continue with.

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:59

MumblesParty · 10/02/2025 08:52

OK fair enough, but it’s got to work both ways surely? How can OP think it’s fine not to text him for 2 days (when she’s ill, which he doesn’t know), but not fine when he doesn’t text her for 2 days (when he could also be ill, or maybe even dead). Why does her silence count as a reasonable level of communication, but his silence is classed as ghosting and toxic behaviour?

Show quote history

It's toxic behaviour on his part because she texted him after just two days apologizing for being ill asking how he was and trying to arrange a next day, he has left her messages on "unread" and made a dissapearing act. If someone is being toxic here is mostly him.

Kenclucky · 10/02/2025 08:59

"Weird but ok" to me is textbook for "ex got back in touch".

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 09:00

Kenclucky · 10/02/2025 08:59

"Weird but ok" to me is textbook for "ex got back in touch".

Or madly in love with the OP?

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 09:01

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 08:36

I'm glad I'm out of all of this and married.

In the old days before mobile phones and constant texting, people would just arrange a next date or they'd say 'I'll call you' - sometimes they did and sometimes they didn't.

This constant need to text someone you've barely met seems to complicate things.

But this is OLD we are talking about and it’s a completely different kettle of fish to dating in the ‘old days’. Everyone now has access to a mobile phone, people are no longer relying on landlines that are plugged into a wall and get billed for every call they make.
If you have ever used OLD you will know that the pool of options is so huge that it’s extremely common for people to just disappear after dates or after a few chats when they get a better offer. You just don’t know where you are or where you stand with anyone on OLD as there are so many flakes, weirdos, ghosted etc which is why I assume this guy has not read or responded to op’s message. He probably “oh she’s just another one”. It’s just how OLD it is, it’s certainly a far cry from way back when there was no technology and you were simply waiting by your landline for that one guy who you’d not heard from in a week to phone you to arrange to pick you up for a date.

I do find it ironic however, that the op is now upset by the guy not replying which is the very same thing she did to him.

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 09:03

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:59

It's toxic behaviour on his part because she texted him after just two days apologizing for being ill asking how he was and trying to arrange a next day, he has left her messages on "unread" and made a dissapearing act. If someone is being toxic here is mostly him.

Show quote history

FGS when will people stop throwing these words like 'toxic' about?
No one used such terms years ago.

It just means (at worst) that he's lost interest and had 2nd thoughts. Like when guy says they'll call you and don't.

He's allowed to feel that and it's nothing to do with being 'toxic'.

If you use words like 'toxic' to not being contacted after a couple of dates, how would you react to something really bad?

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 09:03

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 09:00

Or madly in love with the OP?

Show quote history

It can also be a code word for "I've been hearing voices on my head all day". 😳

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 09:06

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 09:03

FGS when will people stop throwing these words like 'toxic' about?
No one used such terms years ago.

It just means (at worst) that he's lost interest and had 2nd thoughts. Like when guy says they'll call you and don't.

He's allowed to feel that and it's nothing to do with being 'toxic'.

If you use words like 'toxic' to not being contacted after a couple of dates, how would you react to something really bad?

Show quote history

Leaving someones messages on unread and not getting back when she's just told you she's been in bed ill counts as toxic behaviour in my book, or unkind at the very least.

BunnyLake · 10/02/2025 09:07

DesperatelySeekingDan · 10/02/2025 09:03

FGS when will people stop throwing these words like 'toxic' about?
No one used such terms years ago.

It just means (at worst) that he's lost interest and had 2nd thoughts. Like when guy says they'll call you and don't.

He's allowed to feel that and it's nothing to do with being 'toxic'.

If you use words like 'toxic' to not being contacted after a couple of dates, how would you react to something really bad?

Show quote history

I agree. The word toxic is so overused. People on here are always saying how you can stop seeing someone for any reason you want yet this man is toxic because he’s most likely not going to pursue this after one date.

If I sent a text saying I’d had a weird day and didn’t get a response to it for two days (did OP ever actually even respond to that particular bit of info) I’d move on too!

Cookiesandcandies · 10/02/2025 09:08

You recently kissed. You could’ve given him the exact bug you’ve just come down with, but he’s a few days behind you. Given this illness means it’s impossible to text, it makes perfect sense he hasn’t been in touch.

MellowCritic · 10/02/2025 09:10

Mumofnarnia · 10/02/2025 08:52

Ah ok sorry. Sometimes messages are interpreted wrongly. And to my shame, didn’t realise you were the same poster who I’d quoted and that you was simply replying back to me. My apologies.

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Nooo.. no shame lol.. we all here to chat and its just banter amongst mumsnet friends. 💖💖💖

tropicalroses · 10/02/2025 09:11

penelopelondon · 10/02/2025 08:49

Maybe..but he must be very very ill because he hasn't even read her messages...

Edited
Show quote history

Online dating is brutal and you have to take care of yourself. It is likely without a few days without a response he has moved her into the archived section of whatapp and isn't even seeing that she has messaged.

I don't think it is necessary to message every day- me an current BF do and have since we matched, another friend of mine finds it claustrophobic when men do that. I think the thing is here is the OPs change in behaviour, messaging a lot, then nothing. People who OLD a lot are more used to flaky behaviour, and know that the best way to look after themselves is to not obsess over it an move on.