Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

[Ria23]

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

You have rights to access your marital home - he can’t just turf you out regardless of what has been said between you. The fact that he has defaulted to this reaction indicates either that there are bigger issues at play with the dynamic with your SD and the argument about her living situation was just final straw or he genuinely sees no value in the marriage and does not view you as an equal partner and so felt entitled to turf you out of the house etc.

Either way, given his reaction it would seem he’s chosen to prioritise his daughter and her welfare (not necessarily the “wrong” decision) which leaves you with a choice to make. Once you re occupy the home (which you are perfectly and legally entitled to do) do you try to accommodate the change of dynamic and do your best to support and turn around the situation with your SD or do you get your ducks in a row and then file for divorce? Only you can know what is tenable for your situation.

The row that happened about my opinion and misgivings

Yes, she did. She clearly said they had an argument after he asked her opinion and she gave it.

Well you need to instruct a solicitor to ensure your interest in the house is protected.

Do you have full knowledge of shares, savings, pensions, other assets?

Onwards and upwards

This. Most sensible and balanced post here.

@Ria23

Regardless of the words you used to express your concerns, he believes you were saying you didn't want his DD to live with you full time. And so he chose his DD, as it right and proper. Personally, I think you should thank your lucky stars because it sounds like she needs more help than you and her dad could give her.

As far as him blocking you, that's his right. Have you been bombarding him with messages that he doesn't want to hear? Because he's made up his mind and you need to respect his decision.

Serious question; given the disruption his DD will probably cause, why do you want to let yourself in for that heartache?

The OP DH hasn't done his DD any favours by kicking the OP out, especially if she was close to his DD.

Rightly he should step up but he should have listened to the OP's concerns due to DD track record.
He, the OP and his Ex should have sat round a table and discussed a way forward, one that would have had them all reading from the same page of what expectations they have for the DD then repeated it all with at a time the DD present.

All that's happened here is a mother no longer wants her DD under her roof, a father has kicked out the girls step mother with no communication what so ever and he'll now be sat at home on his own night after night while his DD is still doing whatever is it that's caused everyone to be in this position.

None of that helps the DD.
She needs to know that it's not her that's unwanted but her unruly behaviour.

She also needs to learn for every action there is a reaction, good or bad, and having a criminal record at such a young age isn't the one.

If I was your DH what I would pick up from that comment is that you think his DD is beyond help and nothing he does will change her behaviour. I wouldn't waste anymore time with someone who thought that way about my children either.

All that's happened here is a mother no longer wants her DD under her roof, a father has kicked out the girls step mother with no communication what so ever and he'll now be sat at home on his own night after night while his DD is still doing whatever is it that's caused everyone to be in this position.

A home he may well lose if it has to be sold.

Not exactly. She was asked repeatedly what she actually said and she repeatedly said that she just aired her misgivings etc.
"I was just explaining my misgivings about it"
"no different to what her mum said but she said it in a not nice way calling her daughter horrendous."
"I was just expressing my concerns"

A row is a very heated and two sided thing - not a rational and calm discussion.

How did he get you out of the house, surely it's your house too?

OFC, look at that absolutely amazing man who is kicking his wife out of the house and is leaving her homeless.
I mean he giving such a fantastic example of how to behave to his dd.

if that’s where your bar is fir men, then it’s not low. It’s underground.

OP’s been in the childs life 11 years. More likely that she’s voiced misgivings because she’s been left to do most of the parenting for him during those years and knows that if they have DD full time she’ll be the one doing all the work. The fact that he’s ended the marriage on that conversation and kicked her out of her own home, says more about him than OP. I don’t buy ‘oh but he’s a wonderful father stepping up for his DD’ for a nano-second.

This sounds like a huge over-reaction to you expressing your concerns. Especially when you've been a parent figure to your step-daughter for over a decade.
When our shared child was a teen she was a nightmare. Played all four of us parents/steps against each other. We all were public enemy no 1 at times. We got through it by tag teaming and not letting her divide and conquer. But oh my goodness it was hard and there were times I wanted to run away very fast and very far away!
So your situation seems very odd and your husband's reaction disproportionate. What else has been going on and this was a convenient excuse to turf you out? I really don't think there is a way back to being even a tiny bit happily married after this. As others have said, get a lawyer, find out your rights, organise to get your things if he refuses to let you back into your marital home.

This. The utter hypocrisy on MN is shocking.

But why has he ended his marriage so easily without discussion and not at least made an effort to find a mutually agreeable solution

What kind of solution is there, though? OP clearly doesn't want the 13 year old living with them, and if she's been kicked out out of her mum's, there doesn't appear to be any other choice unless the DH wants to make his daughter homeless?

She obviously doesn't like the child . So i don't think she will be missed.
And if at 13 she is so off the rails then obviously a lot has happened in her life at home or school. Who knows . Very limited information has been put forward.
Going by the op they are all perfect parents/step parents and its all the 13year olds fault.
Obviously what was said to her dh gave him the idea that it was his wife or his daughter and he picked his daughter .
Also she has not said what claims she has on the house. Or if she is trying to sort it so she gets half and he has to sell .
Really we only know a small part of a big situation and one sided .
But moving on as in getting whatever she is entitled too is probably her only option as he quite rightly isn't about to not have his child live with him .

He didn’t ‘discard’ you. You had a disagreement about his daughter, and that was a dealbreaker for him. He’s entitled to leave you if wants to. He’s also entitled to block you if he doesn’t want to talk to you.

She went to her mum's for Christmas and he wouldn't let her in on return I think.

Fine.
But would kick your partner out of THEIR house?
Would you not leave them time to find somewhere to live first?
Like any decent person.

I mean the father had the child 50/50 so is part of the problem too re his dd behaviour. So I get why the OP had misgivings. What’s telling you the father will do better now that the dd doesn’t see his mum and he is on his own? Because I’m pretty sure he was heavily supported by the OP in looking after her…..

Doing what ‘you’re entitled to’ doesn’t always make you a decent person though.

I think you’re right. There was a better, more mutually acceptable solution to this with everyone working together. The fact that her DH hasn’t gone for it, and instead has effectively blamed OP for not blithely going along with what he wanted, says a lot. There’s no way back from this. He’s shown OP exactly who he is, and that she’s no priority.

I think it’s very clear that we aren’t getting the full story from the OP. I don’t believe this split came out of the blue.

He may not be a decent person. It’s irrelevant whether he is or isn’t. The fact remains that he has simply done exactly what everyone would be telling the OP to do if she was unhappy in her marriage and being told by a man that she couldn’t have her child living with her.

We have no idea what the marriage was like prior to him leaving.

Mediation. Sit round a table with everyone involved and work out how everyone can contribute. His ex is the other parent. She has just as much responsibility to look for a solution. And she has a partner too, and l’d bet the farm he has had some input into the decision to throw DD out. Why is OP expected to take responsibility while he gets to duck his own ? Being prepared to take on someone elses’ kids works both ways, not just for the step mum.