Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

320 replies

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:21

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/02/2025 17:11

It sounds as if divorce is the best option here. Do you have an interest in the marital home? If not then focus on getting yourself to a position where you can start afresh. If you do then the divorce will be more tricky because obviously you’ll be entitled to a share of the marital assets which could be time consuming and messy.

Have you consulted a solicitor?

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 17:12

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 17:10

Prioritising the spouse means listening to their concerns and working together to address the issues with the child's behaviour so everyone can live together. Not just allowing the child to continue behaving poorly in the name of 'putting them first'.

Listening to and respecting your spouse does not mean you immediately and without any thought make your child 'homeless' - what a knee jerk thought process you have. But actual parenting does require time
effort so I can see why it's not for everyone.

Show quote history

And if the spouse says “daughter can’t live with us” - what then?

Children’s needs should be prioritised. Surely that’s basic parenting?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/02/2025 17:13

Have you managed to get your things out of your house? Birth certificate, passport, financial information etc. If he has a solicitor you can communicate via them but it sounds like he may be talking about divorce rather than going through with it.

Would he consider some kind of mediation so you could at least talk things through and possibly come to some sort of compromise? Maybe you need to leave while he focuses on his DD and when she is more settled you could move back in?

PonyPatter44 · 09/02/2025 17:13

It probably isn't really anyone's fault - i am sure the kid wasn't in all this trouble years ago when you got married. However, if he has chosen to put his daughter first (and really, he should do), then good for him. It's a shame you couldn't find a way to work it out together but sometimes, it just isn't working. Get the divorce process going, get your share of the house and move on.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:14

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:06

So you think the childs’ mother washing her hands of her and forcing the consequences on OP is a good thing ? OP was asked what she thought and then unceremoniously dumped for the answer she gave - no-one comes out of this particularly well.

Show quote history

Irrelevant
if the mother has “washed her hands” of this child, all the more reason for the father to step up

happens all the time the other way around

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 17:14

Of course he's prioritising his 13 year old over you.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:14

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 17:12

And if the spouse says “daughter can’t live with us” - what then?

Children’s needs should be prioritised. Surely that’s basic parenting?

Show quote history

You’d think

but not that poster’s user name

Theunamedcat · 09/02/2025 17:14

Well she fits the definition of a delinquent anyway

Personally I would crack on with the divorce you might lose out though as he now needs to house his daughter

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:14

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 17:07

What option would a decent father have if the child’s mother refused to look after the child and his wife didn’t want the child either?

I can’t see what he’s done wrong here.

Show quote history

OP is not responsible for his child. He should be sorting out a solution with his ex, not allowing her to wreck his marriage so that she and her new partner can have a peaceful life and wash their hands of the child. OP think yourself lucky you’ve found out now that you’re no priority whatsoever to this man - if you were he would be working with you and his ex to find a better solution. See a solicitor and get your share of the marital assets on divorce.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:15

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:46

His daughter shop lifts from every one of our local shops to which she's been banned..she's tried to break into our local hairdressers with her friends to witch this is on police record .she has caused lots of problems for me and my husband also for her mum and new husband...she lies a lot ..goes off after school for hours without saying anything. Her behaviour has been happening for a long time .police called numerous times..she's naughty in school.my opinion was that we would find it difficult too to have her full time and around our jobs etc..we were having her half and half with her mum anyway..and I also have said that it wouldn't change her behaviour her living with us .

This girl sounds very very seriously damaged and I think living one to one with her father will no doubt be wonderful for her

Original poster
Ria23 · 09/02/2025 17:16

I didn't say she couldn't live with us I was just explaining my misgivings about it..I have been in her life since she was 2 and despite everything we have Been close...i never said she couldn't move In I was just saying it would be difficult for us too ...no different to what her mum said but she said it in a not nice way calling her daughter horrendous.

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:16

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:14

OP is not responsible for his child. He should be sorting out a solution with his ex, not allowing her to wreck his marriage so that she and her new partner can have a peaceful life and wash their hands of the child. OP think yourself lucky you’ve found out now that you’re no priority whatsoever to this man - if you were he would be working with you and his ex to find a better solution. See a solicitor and get your share of the marital assets on divorce.

Show quote history

Well yes
clearly he wants nothing more to do with the OP if it means not stepping up for his daughter. As would I in his shoes

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:16

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:14

Irrelevant
if the mother has “washed her hands” of this child, all the more reason for the father to step up

happens all the time the other way around

Show quote history

So mum and her partner get a peaceful life while OP gets thrown out of her own home ? OK then.

Breadcat24 · 09/02/2025 17:17

if you do not have children together you would be better off stepping away

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:17

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 17:16

I didn't say she couldn't live with us I was just explaining my misgivings about it..I have been in her life since she was 2 and despite everything we have Been close...i never said she couldn't move In I was just saying it would be difficult for us too ...no different to what her mum said but she said it in a not nice way calling her daughter horrendous.

So an otherwise happy and healthy marriage

you said just the above, very reasonably, and he’s ended the marriage and wants nothing more to do with you

oP you do realise you can be honest… this is an anonymous chat forum

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 17:18

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:14

OP is not responsible for his child. He should be sorting out a solution with his ex, not allowing her to wreck his marriage so that she and her new partner can have a peaceful life and wash their hands of the child. OP think yourself lucky you’ve found out now that you’re no priority whatsoever to this man - if you were he would be working with you and his ex to find a better solution. See a solicitor and get your share of the marital assets on divorce.

Show quote history

He can’t force his ex to take the child either.

At least the child has one parent prepared to step up and look after her.

Agree it’s not OP’s responsibility. But if you get into a relationship with someone who has children then you need to accept that at some point that child may live with you. If you can’t deal with that, don’t get into the relationship.

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 17:18

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 17:12

And if the spouse says “daughter can’t live with us” - what then?

Children’s needs should be prioritised. Surely that’s basic parenting?

Show quote history

Children's needs should be met and respected, not prioritised. Making any one more important than anyone else in a family sets up an imbalance that leads nowhere good.

Trumptonagain · 09/02/2025 17:18

aei22 · 09/02/2025 16:47

You're better off out of this situation. I'd proceed with divorce.

Show quote history

Agree...
Reading your update you gave an opinion that he didn't want to hear.

If your DH wasn't at least prepared to listen to your concerns and talk through a plan on household rules and be united on them then yes, you're better off without him.

Going by many blended family threads on MN there's a chance you'd have been put in an unwanted/unasked for position of being the primary care giver.

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:18

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:16

So mum and her partner get a peaceful life while OP gets thrown out of her own home ? OK then.

Show quote history

Fgs it’s very very wrong of the mother

but…. That’s unfortunately the situation

you deal with the situation rather than what you think is the fair situation

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 17:20

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:16

So mum and her partner get a peaceful life while OP gets thrown out of her own home ? OK then.

Show quote history

Nobody's saying the mum has behaved properly.

But OP's husband can't control his ex's actions. All he can do is step up and be there for his child - and yes, of course he's going to prioritise a 13 year old over a grown adult. That's parenting 101.

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 17:20

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:15

This girl sounds very very seriously damaged and I think living one to one with her father will no doubt be wonderful for her

Show quote history

Yes, he's obviously done a stellar job so far

BettyBardMacDonald · 09/02/2025 17:20

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:46

His daughter shop lifts from every one of our local shops to which she's been banned..she's tried to break into our local hairdressers with her friends to witch this is on police record .she has caused lots of problems for me and my husband also for her mum and new husband...she lies a lot ..goes off after school for hours without saying anything. Her behaviour has been happening for a long time .police called numerous times..she's naughty in school.my opinion was that we would find it difficult too to have her full time and around our jobs etc..we were having her half and half with her mum anyway..and I also have said that it wouldn't change her behaviour her living with us .

I'd say you're dodging a bullet.

Who owns the house?

lnks · 09/02/2025 17:21

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:18

Fgs it’s very very wrong of the mother

but…. That’s unfortunately the situation

you deal with the situation rather than what you think is the fair situation

Show quote history

Totally agree with this.

The most important person in this situation is the child. From your description of her behaviour, she sounds like she has been let down by both her mum and your dh for a long time. At least he is stepping up now, but what has he done so far to try and help her?

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 17:21

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 17:20

Yes, he's obviously done a stellar job so far

Show quote history

It sounds a complete and utter shit show

but her father is not giving up

IkeaJesusChrist · 09/02/2025 17:21

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 17:14

OP is not responsible for his child. He should be sorting out a solution with his ex, not allowing her to wreck his marriage so that she and her new partner can have a peaceful life and wash their hands of the child. OP think yourself lucky you’ve found out now that you’re no priority whatsoever to this man - if you were he would be working with you and his ex to find a better solution. See a solicitor and get your share of the marital assets on divorce.

Show quote history

So the mum should be forced to parent the girl?