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Original poster

Discarded and blocked by my husband after he ended our relationship just before Christmas

320 replies

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:21

My husband finished with me just before Christmas over an argument over his delinquent 13 year old daughter. His ex wife couldn't cope so she wanted us to have her full time .he asked what I thought and I gave my opinion..he didn't like it.Hes got me out of our marital home ..I spend Xmas and new year at my mums. He's pushing for a divorce and he's also blocked me on everything and I've had no contact at all from him .I also think he's a narcissist.any similar stories I'm really struggling 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
Ria23 · 09/02/2025 18:09

There wasn't anything leading up to this ..like I said in previous post we were happy and just been for a weekend away ..he didn't seem unhappy and we never had a discussion about our marriage not being right..it all happened over this incident..and he said I didn't react how he thot i would about it... a week later after this happened he sent a message when I was at my mums saying the kids would miss me and that he doesn't want to fallout ...then it changed to wanting a divorce ...he's been very inconsistent throughout it all ...

OP posts:
Pickledpoppetpickle · 09/02/2025 18:09

so the actual story probably goes along the following lines:

  • child who's parents separated when she was very young
  • both parents move on quickly into new marriages
  • child falls down the gap created by these new marriages and spends years acting out but no one really knows what to do to help her
  • mum and step dad have had enough and want the responsibility of what is clearly a difficult situation with the daughter on the other parent
  • Dad wants to take daughter into his home and asks partner her opinion
  • partner, not unreasonably, given the history isn't sure how they'll make it work
  • partner takes that as a rejection of his child and lashes out at the OP, ends the relationship and decides he'll put his child first

Now, the putting the child first isn't a bad thing but only if the adults around the child are prepared to admit that they probably have been less than perfect parents and probably have some responsibility for the person she has become. Losing the OP will just be another example in her mind of her not mattering to the people she should matter to. It isn't going to help and actually, if daughter realises that her dad is angry at the OP, it isn't going to help the father-daughter relationship either.

I don't think for the OP there is any going back and actually, if she's half decent, she really shouldnt' have any respect for a man who doesn't put his child first anyway. I'm not sure how you get round the fact that this girl needs some pretty intensive support and if mum has washed her hands, it's going to fall to dad to sort it. He's pissed because he hoped the OP would help him as a minimum or just do it for him (more likely).

Divorce, OP. It's your only option.

HolyPeaches · 09/02/2025 18:10

Youarenotthecentreoftheuniverse · 09/02/2025 16:37

Actually, there's lots of compelling evidence that children should NOT come first, in nuclear families or step. Prioritising your spouse creates a stronger family unit, relationships are more stable and everyone is happier, including the children.

People use 'the child come first' as a way to silence opinions you don't want to hear or to deflect from your responsibilities to address any issues with said child.

In this instance if you were to really put the child first I'd suggest addressing their behaviour, which might be difficult or uncomfortable, to enable a situation where everyone living together is possible - instead of threatening your spouse with divorce.

Show quote history

Children should ALWAYS come first.

Really don’t understand why people choose to reproduce if they’d rather put a spouse before their own child.

So many children grow up to be adults with trauma and mental health issues due to abusive childhoods and raised by narcissistic parents.

steff13 · 09/02/2025 18:10

Regardless of whether he's right or wrong, it sounds like the marriage is over. I'd hire a lawyer to make sure your interests are protected.

SlashingRedRibbons · 09/02/2025 18:10

Sounds like her mother's new husband has threatened to leave . Poor kid . I think it's best if you continued to share custody. No wonder she's playing up . I can tell you kids sense hostility and when they are not wanted . This girl needs to know she is loved unconditionally and told it too .

NCfornow256 · 09/02/2025 18:11

OP, please get some legal advice, as divorce sounds like the likely outcome here, and you have rights.

Unlike many others here, I think your DH has behaved unreasonably. How can it be acceptable that his daughter's mother washes her hands of her, but you get kicked out of the marital home for not wanting to have her living full time with you? Surely, as his wife, you deserve equal consideration, and it would need to be a joint decision, and you have the right of veto IMO.

But that ship has sailed - he has shown you that he doesn't care about you, so you are better off out of it. Just make sure you get what you're entitled to in terms of the house. He needs to buy you out if he wants to stay there on his own with his daughter.

Flakeisanakedtwirl · 09/02/2025 18:12

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 16:46

His daughter shop lifts from every one of our local shops to which she's been banned..she's tried to break into our local hairdressers with her friends to witch this is on police record .she has caused lots of problems for me and my husband also for her mum and new husband...she lies a lot ..goes off after school for hours without saying anything. Her behaviour has been happening for a long time .police called numerous times..she's naughty in school.my opinion was that we would find it difficult too to have her full time and around our jobs etc..we were having her half and half with her mum anyway..and I also have said that it wouldn't change her behaviour her living with us .

So she really needs a parent to really focus on sorting her out, and instead of keeping to only 'his half' he's decided to dedicate everything to sorting her out before she's truly fucked up her life.

I'm genuinely impressed and pleased your husband has taken this so seriously - evidence of a decent man.

Wonderi · 09/02/2025 18:13

I too would end my relationship if my DP didn’t want my child living with us FT.

But he’s not allowed to kick you out of your home (unless you are violent).

You have every right to be there until you can find somewhere else to live.

Saying that though, if the DD is living there then I don’t think it will be a good environment if you are there too and if it’s possible for you to live elsewhere then I would do so.

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 18:16

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 18:08

Mediation. Sit round a table with everyone involved and work out how everyone can contribute. His ex is the other parent. She has just as much responsibility to look for a solution. And she has a partner too, and l’d bet the farm he has had some input into the decision to throw DD out. Why is OP expected to take responsibility while he gets to duck his own ? Being prepared to take on someone elses’ kids works both ways, not just for the step mum.

Edited
Show quote history

You can't fore someone to sit down and attend any kind of mediation.

But even if you could - someone in a happy marriage wouldn't have kicked their partner out over this in the first place, so I suspect the relationship isn't as amazing as previously thought.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 18:17

Ria23 · 09/02/2025 18:09

There wasn't anything leading up to this ..like I said in previous post we were happy and just been for a weekend away ..he didn't seem unhappy and we never had a discussion about our marriage not being right..it all happened over this incident..and he said I didn't react how he thot i would about it... a week later after this happened he sent a message when I was at my mums saying the kids would miss me and that he doesn't want to fallout ...then it changed to wanting a divorce ...he's been very inconsistent throughout it all ...

He’s not inconsistent, he’s manipulative. It’s designed to get you back, and on board with what he wants.

Samung · 09/02/2025 18:17

Op, get some legal advice. If you need to go back into your house you are legally entitled to. Just get legal advice asap.
You'll get the usual evil stepmother bashing on here, largely from people who can't even be bothered to read all of your posts. You've been in her life since she was two, you had her 50/50 with her mother, you didn't turn the idea down outright, but tried to discuss what difficulties there would be trying to make full time care work.

Hwi · 09/02/2025 18:18

He is a real dad. First time I read such a heart-warming story on here. A dad prioritising his child. Well done, dad.

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 18:19

Unlike many others here, I think your DH has behaved unreasonably. How can it be acceptable that his daughter's mother washes her hands of her, but you get kicked out of the marital home for not wanting to have her living full time with you? Surely, as his wife, you deserve equal consideration, and it would need to be a joint decision, and you have the right of veto IMO.

Would you be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed, and it was the father washing his hands of the daughter and the stepfather expecting the right of veto?

JustMyView13 · 09/02/2025 18:20

He probably realised that what came next was he had to decide between his wife and his daughter. He made the right decision, his daughter should come first. Clearly she’s very troubled, and being rejected by her mother isn’t going to help that. Your SD needs your husband now, and you made it clear you weren’t keen on that. It doesn’t sound like you left him a choice. He probably doesn’t want a long drawn out back and forth with you, you already made your position clear.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/02/2025 18:24

Hwi · 09/02/2025 18:18

He is a real dad. First time I read such a heart-warming story on here. A dad prioritising his child. Well done, dad.

So you're ok with OP being thrown out of her home?

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 18:24

ViolinsPlayGentlyOn · 09/02/2025 18:19

Unlike many others here, I think your DH has behaved unreasonably. How can it be acceptable that his daughter's mother washes her hands of her, but you get kicked out of the marital home for not wanting to have her living full time with you? Surely, as his wife, you deserve equal consideration, and it would need to be a joint decision, and you have the right of veto IMO.

Would you be saying the same thing if the sexes were reversed, and it was the father washing his hands of the daughter and the stepfather expecting the right of veto?

Exactly.

If this was a woman saying she'd ended her marriage to support her daughter, every single person would be telling her she was an amazing mum and doing absolutely the right thing. But when it's a man, he somehow has to be being an unreasonable wanker?

EG94 · 09/02/2025 18:25

I think your husband was sounding you out to see how you would step up to parent his daughter and her shitty behaviour. When he read between the lines you didn’t fancy it he has acted like a child and blocked you.

those saying he has every right to leave you and block you, what you can do and what you should do aren’t the same thing. You’ve been together 11 years and he didn’t even do you the decency of a conversation even if that conversation was for him to tell you the marriage is over.

it may be difficult now but I think you should be grateful to get rid of a man who doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings and cannot handle adult conversations.

his daughter sounds like a nightmare and I feel he won’t step up to the plate now he realises it would be him and him alone.

wish them well and walk away with your dignity intact

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 18:26

biscuitsandbooks · 09/02/2025 18:16

You can't fore someone to sit down and attend any kind of mediation.

But even if you could - someone in a happy marriage wouldn't have kicked their partner out over this in the first place, so I suspect the relationship isn't as amazing as previously thought.

Show quote history

Of course you can’t force that, but given that there is a mother involved here, it’s far from impossible if everyone genuinely wants what’s best for the child. But l agree, there’s a back story here we’re not getting.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a reflection on the state of their marriage, as OP says everything was OK up to this point, but if the childs’ behaviour is this bad l suspect that this isn’t the first conversation that’s been had about it. And if mum and partner have decided they can’t cope any more, that suggests that up until this point DH hasn’t really paid attention or offered practical help.

And l do suspect that OP has been left to do most of the parenting on their contact time, so hardly surprising she doesn’t want to go along with his plans because she knows it’ll be her doing all the work. Like l said upthread - l don’t think he’s the prince people here think he is.

Momsnetmeanies · 09/02/2025 18:27

Get good legal advice and take him for half the house half his pension dust yourself down and don’t look back!

leave him to his shit show. Be prepared for another woman to turn up quickly to take on the domestic drudgery.

Children do come first but he has treated you appallingly and some of the comments on here are just plain awful from awful humans.

Be free live your best life x

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/02/2025 18:28

Bestthriller · 09/02/2025 16:23

I’m guessing he’s focused on parenting his teen daughter. He prioritised her over you. And good for him

On the other hand, never marry a man
with a dependant child.
But obviously, one of few.

Whoknew24 · 09/02/2025 18:28

Well done to your husband 👏👏👏👏👏 you think he’s a narcissist ? Why for stepping up and putting his flesh and blood before you.

Another female who shacks up with a man who has a past and a child etc, but you clearly didn’t put any thought into it.

Shes clearly troubled and struggling and no doubt you ran your mouth saying all sorts about his daughter.

You're the issue and he’s kicked you to the kerb. Never ever been more proud of a man on mumsnet in my entire life.

Hwi · 09/02/2025 18:29

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/02/2025 18:24

So you're ok with OP being thrown out of her home?

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You can't throw a house owner out of his or her home. Clearly, it was his house. I am sure she will be paid after she issues divorce proceedings.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 18:30

EG94 · 09/02/2025 18:25

I think your husband was sounding you out to see how you would step up to parent his daughter and her shitty behaviour. When he read between the lines you didn’t fancy it he has acted like a child and blocked you.

those saying he has every right to leave you and block you, what you can do and what you should do aren’t the same thing. You’ve been together 11 years and he didn’t even do you the decency of a conversation even if that conversation was for him to tell you the marriage is over.

it may be difficult now but I think you should be grateful to get rid of a man who doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings and cannot handle adult conversations.

his daughter sounds like a nightmare and I feel he won’t step up to the plate now he realises it would be him and him alone.

wish them well and walk away with your dignity intact

Yep. Let’s see how eager he is to step up without OP. From what she says he sounds manipulative and l wouldn’t be surprised if his next move is to get her to come home and try to talk her into it. Not a chance in hell if this were me - he’s shown OP how little he cares about her and there’s no way back from that.

commonsense61 · 09/02/2025 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/02/2025 18:33

Hwi · 09/02/2025 18:29

You can't throw a house owner out of his or her home. Clearly, it was his house. I am sure she will be paid after she issues divorce proceedings.

Show quote history

We don't know that, despite the fact that many posters think the sun shines out of him he could just be an arsehole who's changed the locks.

I hope OP makes sure she gets everything she can in the divorce.