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Original poster

Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

171 replies

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:45

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was.
I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days.
I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

OP posts:
Asterales · 08/02/2025 19:51

Well no, you weren't wrong, but he's not wrong to decide that your approach isn't compatible with his and to decide that he doesn't want to pursue things with you. He indicated his position by asking you to be exclusive; you then had a choice to make and made it. He's perfectly entitled to make a decision on receipt of your choice.

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 08/02/2025 19:57

He wanted to be exclusive and you didn't. You can't really then be surprised that he's not comfortable with you dating other people? If you don't want too then up to you, but personally the idea of sleeping with multiple people at a time makes my skin crawl so would be a deal breaker once its progressed that far. Casual non dates before you are physical with any of them aren't the same thing.

90yomakeuproom · 08/02/2025 19:58

I agree that once you'd had sex it should be exclusive. He probably didn't like the thought of you sleeping with multiple people.

Beebsta · 08/02/2025 19:59

Asterales · 08/02/2025 19:51

Well no, you weren't wrong, but he's not wrong to decide that your approach isn't compatible with his and to decide that he doesn't want to pursue things with you. He indicated his position by asking you to be exclusive; you then had a choice to make and made it. He's perfectly entitled to make a decision on receipt of your choice.

I could be wrong but I am reading it that the coffee date had already happened before he asked her to be exclusive.

in which case the only choice she made was to be honest. OP, if that’s right, then you did the right thing by being honest.

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:59

But I wasn't sleeping with other people, I literally went for coffee with someone a week prior

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 08/02/2025 19:59

If I slept with someone, I would expect to be exclusive tbh. I expect he feels the same.

movinghouse12 · 08/02/2025 20:00

Your approaches just aren't compatible. I think it's fine to want someone to be exclusive. I don't think it takes you long to decide if something is worth pursuing for now, and if so, why muddy waters by seeing more than one at a time? I'd be distracted and struggle to give anyone my full attention.

DP and I have never multi dated, we just couldn't. It's not us. Perhaps he is like that too. It's fine not to be like that, but I think it's a naive to think everyone multi dates. I did video calls with one guy and then DP, and after date one with DP I backed off from the other guy and said I wasn't interested in pursuing a date anymore.

MrsJHernandez · 08/02/2025 20:00

So you met the other guy for coffee before the first guy asked you to be exclusive?

If that's the case, I don't see a problem. I find it a tad unreasonable for him to give you the cold shoulder considering you weren't exclusive and hadn't discussed it. He sounds like he might be a bit high maintenance tbh!

I don't think there's much you can do now, except move on.

Onlyvisiting · 08/02/2025 20:01

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

Disagree. Moving in together/meeting family/spending all your time together or calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend would be unreasonable after 2 dates. I don't think asking to date exclusively once you have started sleeping together is a big ask. If you don't like someone enough to be willing to commit to just dating them for a few weeks to see how it goes, then it's probably not going far imo.

StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 20:01

I’m really out of date obviously because if I was having sex with someone, I would expect us to be exclusive.

FairFuming · 08/02/2025 20:02

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's a shame you didn't have a chat about expectations early on preferably before meeting.
Generally when if I'm looking for an exclusive relationship I stop meeting other people before I sleep with someone but that's because I don't want to be sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with others.

You were right to tell him the truth though. It's maybe worth texting him and asking for a call to properly discuss things and to apologize for the misunderstanding if you want to be exclusive with him.

movinghouse12 · 08/02/2025 20:03

The way I've read it is he asked to be exclusive and OP said no. That's the main part that I expect has affected his behaviour from here on. Not the single coffee date, but the not willing to be exclusive right now. And I would think you were comparing me to others or seeing who was best before deciding if I was him. And I wouldn't want to be part of such an out and out contest eitehr. If I'm not clearly the one for someone, I'd rather not linger in the background.

Foxlovesfruit · 08/02/2025 20:03

I think i would vanish too if the person i was dating and really liked was also dating other people, even if it was only the second date. I wouldn't ask the question in the first place at that point as it's still early days but it would put me off massively if i had slept with them, really liked them and found out they were possibly doing those things with other people. It's not a nice thought. He shouldn't really have asked, but he did, and the reality put him off.

Onlyvisiting · 08/02/2025 20:03

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:59

But I wasn't sleeping with other people, I literally went for coffee with someone a week prior

Edited

But you told him you didn't want to be exclusive. Which means you could be dating/sleeping with more people going forward.
If you had said you had a coffee date last week but were happy to be exclusive from now on then I doubt his reaction would have been the same?

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:03

@MrsJHernandez yes I had met the other guy for a coffee well before he had asked to be exclusive. I think he was being a bit unreasonable too but I guess we just don't align

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 08/02/2025 20:04

Neither of you are wrong.

ThatEllie · 08/02/2025 20:05

My guess would be that if you met twice and were having sex, he’s assuming that you did or would have sex with the other guy too and isn’t okay with that. If that wouldn’t be the case for whatever reason then I think that would probably have needed to be communicated beforehand. Him asking for exclusivity suggests that he doesn’t want the risks associated with having a sexual partner with multiple sexual partners, which is a reasonable boundary that many people have.

Lookuptotheskies · 08/02/2025 20:05

Why have both your two dates been 12 hour dates? That seems a bit much! As is two dates in asking to be exclusive I think. But I can't work out if you'd slept together twice, had two dates total or both, or something else. I can't figure out the timeline. Why were the dates so long? Do you live far from each other?

Personally I wouldn't want to sleep with more than one person at a time, but it's a personal choice that you are each free to make. He was perhaps offended that your stance was you had slept with him twice, were happy to continue seeing him, but also would be meeting other people too? It seems you both have different views on this and aren't compatible.

ThoroughlyModernNotMillie · 08/02/2025 20:06

Dear me, how things have changed in the past decades. Before apps if someone asked you on a date you wouldn't dream of meeting up with other people at the same time, even if you only went for one date you'd go for dates, possibly have sex, but it would automatically be assumed that neither of you would go out with anyone else at the same time.
If it didn't work out then you'd do the same with the next person, seeing more than one person at the same time just wasn't acceptable and you certainly wouldn't have sex with anyone else.
So there was never a need to have a conversation about being exclusive because that was the default position.
Maybe despite being on apps the man you were seeing took that type of view of dating.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 08/02/2025 20:07

Neither wrong as such, but I would have the expectation that if I was at the stage of having sex with someone that they were pretty in to me and not looking elsewhere. I think personally I would probably have had a similar reaction to him. Perhaps I am old fashioned.

Fran347 · 08/02/2025 20:09

Tbh it feels like he’s lovebombed you?

PiastriThePastry · 08/02/2025 20:10

As seems to be the case with several others on this thread, I don’t think either of you were in the wrong as such, but I’d probably feel the same as he did. If I was sleeping with someone, I’d expect exclusivity, personally. It’s easy enough to call it off again if it doesn’t work out but I’d be seriously put off by someone sleeping with me but not liking me enough to stop entertaining other options.

summer3219 · 08/02/2025 20:11

I can see why he has backed off. If you like someone enough to continue to date them but also don't want to stop dating other people that always seems to me like that person will do whilst you carry on seeing if there is someone better. I think that if you like someone enough to want to carry on developing something with them then focus on that. If it doesn't work out then get back on the apps and start again. Aware that isn't how it works now though (which is why I don't bother) and therefore you aren't unreasonable either.

Kulwinder54 · 08/02/2025 20:11

2 dates are not too soon for sex but too soon for exclusivity?? Ok...