Page 5 | Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

Gutted84 · 2025-02-08T19:45:11+00:00

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was. I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days. I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

ItGhoul · 09/02/2025 01:07

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Sounds like he’s dodged a bullet if these are the sort of immature mind games you play.

Dery · 09/02/2025 01:12

“NeonGiraffe · Yesterday 21:11

Assuming you're looking for a relationship ( you haven't been specific so don't know) the question would be, why did you want to keep looking if you had great chemistry/sex and we're really enjoying each other's company? I'm guessing he asked himself the same question and concluded you just weren't that into him.
If you've reconsidered and would be happy to be exclusive, then
To try and salvage it, you could try messaging and telling him you wished you'd responded differently, ask to meet up again and if he's still interested would like to explore things further.”

This with bells on. @Gutted84 - stop trying to pin this on the coffee date. You told him you weren’t ready to be exclusive. In effect, you told him that what he was offering - despite how terrific it was - was not enough for you to stop looking for other possibilities. His reaction is perfectly fair.

You’ve admitted you were playing games - trying to keep him on his toes. That’s poor form and has massively backfired.

But we all fuck up sometimes (God knows I do, anyway). I agree with @NeonGiraffe - this may be fixable but the ball is in your court. It’s not too late to reach out and tell him you think you’ve made a mistake and would like to see him again and do so exclusively (assuming that’s how you feel). He may be open to that approach. And if you’re not willing to do that, then you’re clearly not that bothered.

Starseeking · 09/02/2025 01:14

Last year I went on 3 dates with a guy from the apps, and got to like him.

On date 3, I told him I wasn't comfortable with multiple dating, mostly because I really liked him, and wanted to pursue a relationship.

He made it clear he was still seeing others, which gave the message I was an option as he was seeing if someone better came along. This was a huge turn-off to me, and we weren't even having sex, so I faded him out.

He came back sniffing around after a couple of months, clearly the grass was not greener, however I wouldn't entertain his flakiness.

Sounds like this is where your guy would be with you, and I don't blame him. I would not want to be sleeping with someone knowing they think it's ok to potentially sleep with others at the same time.

Starseeking · 09/02/2025 01:19

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

This was really a silly and immature thing to do. You should know that by now, assuming you were born in 1984.

Chalk it up and learn from this experience.

H112 · 09/02/2025 01:47

He's not for you.

Sleeping together and then telling him you went out on another date?? That is so mean.

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2025 02:01

Agree with others, you’re not compatible in how you view a budding relationship.

Like many on here, I wouldn’t have sex and still multi date and I’d be clear on that. If the guy said he wasn’t ready to be exclusive, I’d think he was looking for a better offer and I’d be gone. I’d see it as if someone really liked you why would they still be looking for other dates?

Im with him in this one and playing childish games had backfired big time. Learn from this

Hairoit · 09/02/2025 09:13

Too late I think. I did a lot of online dating and it has made people treat their dates as disposable (like you making it clear you want to keep your options open and are not even willing to try dating for a while without seeing other people). It took me a long time to find someone who wasn’t like that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/02/2025 09:22

His ego is massively bruised as you've rejected him. So would mine be in his shoes. It might be salvegable if you're willing to stop dating others for now. A very careful message about how you were surprised and didn't realise he liked you that much and you just blurted that out in the moment, but you do really like him , that's why you stayed over, want to keep seeing him and not date others, would he be up for (insert fun date idea) with you this weekend?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/02/2025 09:23

TuesdayRubies · 08/02/2025 20:31

I don't think the 12 hour dates are really weird, I had similar with my DH as we clicked so much when we met for lunch we just ended up spending the whole day together. But similarly that's why I'd have been super hurt if he then dated someone else after such an unusually long and meaningful day together. You may have only had two dates but you've spent a lot of time together!

Marathon dates are apparently part of a love bombing technique so be careful op that he's not a love bomber keep your eyes open. Matthew hussey book love life talks about this

SnoopySantaPaws · 09/02/2025 09:59

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:24

@purpleblue but he knows it was just a coffee with the other guy, not sex

Edited

But you had sex with him on the first date and you think that after the second day and the second time of having sex with him is too soon to be exclusive of course he's going to assume you sleep with other people on first or second date and he's not into that he doesn't want to share!

I'm totally with him. Maybe if you just had coffee dates or just went out for dinner et cetera then the second day is quite soon to agree to be exclusive, but not when you've been having sex and sleeping over

I don't understand your mind say at all and don't blame him for pulling away

harriethoyle · 09/02/2025 11:32

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

An excellent illustration of “fuck around and find out” 🤷🏻‍♀️

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 12:02

The way this all went - I don't think this guy is quite right and my instinct is that he will leave it a few weeks and then reappear, having put you well on the back foot. He'll then believe that you will do anything and everything to not 'lose' him again.

I wouldn't be contacting him again, and I wouldn't be responding if he contacted me. I think he was always going to gradually ghost you after sex and the 'exclusive' thing is a head-fuck bonus for him. I mean who does that after 2 dates anyway?

doodahdayy · 09/02/2025 12:07

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 12:02

The way this all went - I don't think this guy is quite right and my instinct is that he will leave it a few weeks and then reappear, having put you well on the back foot. He'll then believe that you will do anything and everything to not 'lose' him again.

I wouldn't be contacting him again, and I wouldn't be responding if he contacted me. I think he was always going to gradually ghost you after sex and the 'exclusive' thing is a head-fuck bonus for him. I mean who does that after 2 dates anyway?

It sounds like he was upfront about genuinely liking her. She's the one playing games!

honeylulu · 09/02/2025 12:21

I guess we just don't align

You've answered your own question. You're perfectly entitled to want to date and have sex with multiple partners until you agree to be exclusive with one. He's perfectly entitled to want to date someone who isn't dating and/or having sex with others. Personally I wouldn't like it either!

As for telling him about the other guy to make him jealous, oh dear, that's a bit teenage. And it didn't work. It didn't make him jealous and keen, he got the ick instead.

AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 12:30

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 12:02

The way this all went - I don't think this guy is quite right and my instinct is that he will leave it a few weeks and then reappear, having put you well on the back foot. He'll then believe that you will do anything and everything to not 'lose' him again.

I wouldn't be contacting him again, and I wouldn't be responding if he contacted me. I think he was always going to gradually ghost you after sex and the 'exclusive' thing is a head-fuck bonus for him. I mean who does that after 2 dates anyway?

My now husband asked me to be exclusive after we had a couple of dates and had slept together, similar to OP. I said yes. He didn't ghost me and eventually we got married. Your post seems like an odd leap.

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2025 12:32

doodahdayy · 09/02/2025 12:07

It sounds like he was upfront about genuinely liking her. She's the one playing games!

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Totally agree. I really don’t understand how someone wanting to pursue an exclusive relationship is seen as manipulative, controlling, love bombing etc - that sort of dating was the absolute norm until the onset of OLD and tbh many people still want that sort of dating.

The OP was the one playing silly childish games not the man.

Snorlaxo · 09/02/2025 12:45

Having read your update OP I take back my earlier reply saying nobody is unreasonable. If you are born in 1984 then you are way too old to be playing games like this.
If you want to use dating apps to meet and shag as many different people as you want then go ahead but you can’t complain that others want to use them to find meaningful long term monogamous relationships instead. You might not have had sex with coffee guy but this guy may be thinking that you shagged him in the first date so could easily do it with coffee guy. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone shagging other people but I realise that some people are ok with it. Or this guy has had experience with another woman who plays games like you and thought he can’t be arsed to go through that again.
Yanbu to not be ready for exclusivity but playing games to “keep him on his toes” is unreasonable and abusive behaviour tbh. If you were a man trying to make a woman feel jealous and to keep her on her toes then you’d be called a lot worse.

gamerchick · 09/02/2025 13:03

It's a good job you showed your hand early OP. It sounds like you have a little growing up to do before dating blokes. He's had a lucky escape if those are the games you play.

AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 13:27

To be fair to OP, I don't think she was mainly doing this as a game.

I think OP genuinely seems surprised at the notion of committing to exclusivity after a couple of dates, and that was her main reason for saying no.

When he asked about the other guy, OP wanted to be honest but hoped it would show how desirable she was as a bonus.

But I still don't think he's unreasonable in not wanting to continue when he wants exclusivity now and OP does not. It doesn't matter whether the other date was just coffee, the message he will have received is "I don't like you enough to stop looking for other relationships". It is what it is 🤷‍♀️

gamerchick · 09/02/2025 13:43

She didn't need to show how desirable she was though, she didn't need to make him jealous. He wanted her to himself as an exclusive couple. There's nothing more to say how desirable he found her.

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 13:52

AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 12:30

My now husband asked me to be exclusive after we had a couple of dates and had slept together, similar to OP. I said yes. He didn't ghost me and eventually we got married. Your post seems like an odd leap.

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I mean that's great, but this isn't the same situation. "I like you so much I want us to be exclusive" but also "but you've had a coffee date, so suddenly I don't like you".

Becoming exclusive when you don't know eachother at all will of course sometimes work out. The leap is to believe that it always will, especially as it's also a classic love-bombing tactic.

OP has shown she needs to be 'brought into line' by saying she's been for a coffee with someone else. So this is what he's doing.

Also, so weird that everyone is accusing OP of 'playing games', when actually she's only told the truth. If he genuinely can be so easily put off by one coffee, it's probably best she finds out now.

TheLargestToblerone · 09/02/2025 13:59

But I wasn't sleeping with other people, I literally went for coffee with someone a week prior

But you also said:
I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

So you slept with him after the second date, but you still didn't want to be exclusive. And you actually told him: "I said it was too soon." You also think he's being unreasonable for having the standard that he does. Good for him sticking to it despite you trying to dick around playing stupid games with this keeping him "on his toes."

PotaytoPotahhto · 09/02/2025 14:00

I mean that's great, but this isn't the same situation. "I like you so much I want us to be exclusive" but also "but you've had a coffee date, so suddenly I don't like you"

More like “I like you but you want to carry on dating other people so I’m not interested anymore”.

PotaytoPotahhto · 09/02/2025 14:02

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 13:52

I mean that's great, but this isn't the same situation. "I like you so much I want us to be exclusive" but also "but you've had a coffee date, so suddenly I don't like you".

Becoming exclusive when you don't know eachother at all will of course sometimes work out. The leap is to believe that it always will, especially as it's also a classic love-bombing tactic.

OP has shown she needs to be 'brought into line' by saying she's been for a coffee with someone else. So this is what he's doing.

Also, so weird that everyone is accusing OP of 'playing games', when actually she's only told the truth. If he genuinely can be so easily put off by one coffee, it's probably best she finds out now.

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Did you miss the post where she admitted she was trying to make him jealous?

AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 14:03

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 13:52

I mean that's great, but this isn't the same situation. "I like you so much I want us to be exclusive" but also "but you've had a coffee date, so suddenly I don't like you".

Becoming exclusive when you don't know eachother at all will of course sometimes work out. The leap is to believe that it always will, especially as it's also a classic love-bombing tactic.

OP has shown she needs to be 'brought into line' by saying she's been for a coffee with someone else. So this is what he's doing.

Also, so weird that everyone is accusing OP of 'playing games', when actually she's only told the truth. If he genuinely can be so easily put off by one coffee, it's probably best she finds out now.

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I never said that it always works out being exclusive early, but it can do.

I do think it's very weird for you to say that him suggesting exclusivity was probably a game to make it more of a head fuck as part of a plan to ghost her 🤨

I also think it's weird to suggest he is punishing her for having had a coffee date before they had discussed exclusivity, when the more obvious conclusion is that he didn't want to see her anymore because she made it clear that she didn't want to be exclusive going forward.