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Relationships

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Original poster

Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

171 replies

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:45

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was.
I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days.
I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

OP posts:

Asterales · 08/02/2025 20:12

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

This is what I mean about you being incompatible. It doesn't matter whether you think he's unreasonable or not - this is his position on the matter, and you have another. Neither of you is wrong, but clearly you don't match in terms of your expectations.

RebelliousStarrChild · 08/02/2025 20:12

If you only realised you liked him so much after he ghosted then it's likely you don't actually like him that much and you are reacting from the feeling of rejection.
I think it's reasonable for him to back off after you said no to exclusivity, any other reaction would be weird.

RebelliousStarrChild · 08/02/2025 20:15

Also, you were right to be honest about dating other people.

MrsJHernandez · 08/02/2025 20:16

@Gutted84

Yeah, I think his reaction was a bit unreasonable, and asking you to be exclusive so soon was perhaps jumping the gun a bit.

But I imagine he was just excited to have met someone he really liked, and then gutted that you said no to being exclusive and had been on a date with someone else.

You were just being honest with him, and there's nothing wrong with what you did or said.

If I was him, I'd have asked a few more questions about this other guy and if you plan on seeing him again before decided whether or not to stop seeing you. But he's not me!

I'm sorry you feel a bit gutted, but you did nothing wrong, and technically, neither did he.

Original poster

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:18

@MrsJHernandez thank you, I think that's what's bothering me, he hasn't even bothered to delve into whether I saw the other guy again or anything which makes me think that maybe he wasn't that into me after all if he's able to just let it go so easily. I'm upset over it, but just got to accept it

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 08/02/2025 20:20

Well, he said he wanted to be exclusive because he wasn't seeing anyone else.
You told him you were seeing someone else and didn't want to be exclusive yet, which had put him off.
He clearly hoped that the amazing sex and chemistry might have been enough to move things up a level.
I can't exactly say I blame him. If I was in his position I'd certainly back off to an extent.
If you really like him tell him so. Say you'd like to keep seeing him.
If he pushes again for exclusivity before you're ready then I guess you're not well suited.

CaptainFuture · 08/02/2025 20:21

Fran347 · 08/02/2025 20:09

Tbh it feels like he’s lovebombed you?

In what way, shape or form? Can you say what the 'lovebombing' was, or have you jumped on the...." he's a maaan, it must be his fault!!'

NewHeaven · 08/02/2025 20:23

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

2nd date is too soon to be sleeping together in my opinion. You don't know if the guy is a nutter or if your values align but you're staying over at his so soon. Yet you have a problem with exclusivity? When was the last time you had an std test?

waterrat · 08/02/2025 20:24

I would presume it was not really the coffee issue..it was you saying no to being exclusive despite amazing 12 hour dates

He presumably felt hurt and put off by that which I would too

LadyQuackBeth · 08/02/2025 20:24

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:18

I think that's because the coffee date isn't the issue, it's that he asked you to be exclusive and you brushed him off and started talking about other dates. He thinks you are just not that into him, and tbh you're not.

waterrat · 08/02/2025 20:25

How can it be too soon? Plenty of people would just think if they met someone they clicked eith they would not want to date anymore

Isn't it a shame to lose someone you liked to continue random dates ?

TuesdayRubies · 08/02/2025 20:25

When I met my DH I knew I wanted to be exclusive from the first date. We didn't have the 'chat' but if either of us had found out the other was dating other people I think we'd have ended it. His approach is normal to me.

TuesdayRubies · 08/02/2025 20:27

If you really like him, just explain you do want to be exclusive and the coffee date was just because you wanted to honour a planned date or whatever reason you have. He's probably feeling hurt.

teenmaw · 08/02/2025 20:29

So he's asked you out and you've said no and admitted you've still been going on coffee dates since you've started
sleeping with him and you're wondering why he's gone cold? What a head fuck you've been op, I've actually done exactly the same to a guy for the same reason. It's not how I roll.

TuesdayRubies · 08/02/2025 20:31

I don't think the 12 hour dates are really weird, I had similar with my DH as we clicked so much when we met for lunch we just ended up spending the whole day together. But similarly that's why I'd have been super hurt if he then dated someone else after such an unusually long and meaningful day together. You may have only had two dates but you've spent a lot of time together!

SpringBunnyHopHop · 08/02/2025 20:32

You were being honest and there is nothing wrong with that.

Plus he was being far too intense. Behaving like that gives me love bombing red flags.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 08/02/2025 20:33

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:18

If I’d asked someone to be exclusive and they said no, I wouldn’t see them again either. Even if I was REALLY in to them. Because they are sending a clear message that they aren’t in to me.

I also wouldn’t want to be sleeping with someone who was likely to be sleeping with other people in the future.

He might have been really in to you OP, and if he’s asked you to be exclusive I’d say he was. But his expectations didn’t align with yours so it’s fine. Different attitudes to dating. You wouldn’t have been compatible.

pimplebum · 08/02/2025 20:35

Think you dodged a bullet there may have been possessive

Delphiniumandlupins · 08/02/2025 20:35

He's backing off, however much he liked you, because you said you didn't want to be exclusive and he does. You were right to be honest and say you had met someone else for coffee. He's also allowed to not want to date someone with (potentially) multiple sexual partners.

Hairoit · 08/02/2025 20:38

You had already started a sexual relationship with him but it was too soon to agree to not sleep with other people for the duration of your relationship? That makes no sense and I would also run a mile if I was in his shoes.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 08/02/2025 20:46

What TuesdayRubies said. @Gutted84 : essentially you've had about 6-8 dates in the time you've spent together having 2 x 12 dates.

Hedgingmybetching · 08/02/2025 20:51

Sorry OP, I'm with the guy. I think having a sexual relationship is a bigger step than exclusivity. So if I was sleeping with someone and asked them if we could be exclusive and they said "no, it's too soon", I would also run a mile. (and also be slightly concerned about STIs)

Original poster

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:53

Ok well is it too late to salvage it do you think? Or should I just let it go

OP posts:

Waterboatlass · 08/02/2025 20:54

He wasn't unreasonable at all. He asked whether you wanted to continue on terms he's happy with. You said no and you asked whether he was seeing others. Not him. He has backed off rather than continue seeing you outwith his boundaries. I doubt the coffee date had much to do with it.

Totally normal to ask about exclusivity before or I suppose after sex. Your expectations don't align. If you've genuinely changed your mind that's one thing but I think you're just feeling rejected.

He hasn't love bombed or ghosted from what you've written (as per PPs), just backed off when you've said you're not interested in exclusivity when you've spent a good bit of time together and had sex. That's fine for you to decide but it's your decision, not him being unreasonable in any way. I'd do the same as him tbh.

Waterboatlass · 08/02/2025 20:55

Cross post, well do you actually want to see him exclusively and see where it goes?

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