Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

[Gutted84]

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was.
I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days.
I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

Huh? He told her he liked her and suggested being exclusive how is that controlling? She then played games

Because she was going for coffee! I don’t know about you, but just once in a while l’ll have coffee with someone without having sex with them.

Had he just said he was disappointed and lefi it there, that might be different.

Say he doesn’t want to know after date 3?

Say what? He wanted to become exclusive and she didn’t want to. So he’s no longer interested. How on earth is that being controlling?

Oh I forgot, he’s a man. Of course he’s in the wrong.

I agree. He’s someone who dates exclusively and she’s possibly still looking for a better offer.

Their dating anppriavhes are completely different. There’s no right or wrong, they’re just not compatible

12 hour dates are a long time. 2 of them would be equal to 5 or 6 normal length dates, would that be an acceptable number of dates after which to ask for exclusivity? "Number of dates" seems a bit of a strange rule to have. If you didn't want to be exclusive that was perfectly reasonable, but I don't think you can complain that he did want that, and acted accordingly.

Would you say this if the situation happened in reverse? If a woman really liked a man she was dating and asked him if he was ready to be exclusive with her, and he said nah, he wants to carry on seeing other women? Would you claim the woman was being controlling and that the man had had a lucky escape? Or are you one of those MNers desperate to paint all women as victims and all men as manipulative abusers?

Personally I'd only date one person at a time and he obviously is of the same thought. You are different which is fine but his reaction is understandable. It's a difficult thing to express from the outset which is probably why he didn't mention it sooner

On a second date, yes! It’s too early. And there is a tad difference between having coffee with someone and having sex with someone.

On MN and similar it is for (mainly) women to help each other, not put people down.

Like many have said, I personally wouldn't want to be in a sexual relationship with someone if they were dating other people. I just couldn't do it. I completely understand his feelings. The fact you mentioned this to make him jealous is a big red flag in my opinion. I'm really not into game playing in relationships. I just want openness and respect.

It might be too early for you but many people would rather see how it went with one person and then make a choice to continue seeing them or not rather than see several at once. Particularly if they've started having sex.

This is the problem with modern dating. If the date goes well, why not be exclusive?? The option is you carry on dating and seeing other people?! Mad, commit at least to focusing on each other seeing where it goes- it's not marriage!!!!

Dating today is utter rubbish- the 2000s/ 90s were the way to go.

💯 agree.

There’s no right and wrong but it’s different dating approaches.

I don’t multi date and I wouldn’t sleep with anyone still going for dates with other people.

So I’d be more like him than the OP. And the trying to get him jealous would be a red flag to me re game playing

They'd had two dates of around 12 hours each, and had sex. Seems like they were really into each other. Is it totally completely utterly unreasonable for one of the two people involved to suggest that they try to make a go of things and stop seeing other people? Obviously the other person is allowed to say no, but do you really think it's 'controlling' to suggest it? You didn't answer my question - if the sexes were reversed, would you think the woman was 'controlling' to suggest it and that she would ultimately have cut the man off from his family and friends?

I'm not sure how it helps women to put men down all the time, or to tell the OP that this man who seems to have liked her a lot would ultimately have ruined her life by cutting her off from everyone else.

I answered your question “on a second date yes”. I would think it controlling regardless what sex someone is.

And yet, the OP was perfectly free to say no, and did so, and the man has left her in peace ever since, so where's the control? I would never in a million years continue to date and have sex with a man who was still seeing other women, and lots of other posters here agree with me, so I guess we're all 'controlling' by your standards. shrug

Edit: typo

Funny how dating one person at a time has worked perfectly well for the majority of people for many many years without it being considered ‘controlling’

It only seems since OLD appeared that multi dating is accepted as some sort of normality..

In my day (yes I’m old) anyone who dated more than one person at a time was considered a cheat and often the cause of a scrap outside the local if they got found out 🤣

The phrase that first came to my mind

Controlling in what sense? All we know is that he's suggested that they only see each other now they've had a couple of dates and sex. when the OP declined, he has pulled back. What has he controlled her into doing? He's withdrawn himself from the situation.

What would have been the right thing to do in your estimation if he wasn't comfortable continuing non exclusively at this point? Which I wouldn't have been, although I would have asked before sex. Should he have continued against his own wishes?

This isn't controlling. He can ask anything he likes. If he respects her response, that's not control, manipulation or anything else (although I accept some requests are more unusual than others. This one wasn't unusual).

Maybe send a frank message explaining how you feel? I.e. platonic coffee date, like the two date guys, would like to see how things progress open to not seeing others. You can always reassess in a month? Seeing as you like him and it's going well?

Personally, when I was recently dating, I would have found it very difficult to try and build a connection with someone and carry on seeing them if I knew they were still responding to messages on the apps and meeting others for coffee. My approach would certainly be to only see one person at a time. I know that I'm probably in the minority these days, and certainly not passing judgement on anyone who approaches it differently, though.

Are you meaning the same thing?
Is that you want to continue meeting new people for a while but not having sex with them while you are still seeing this guy? If so I think he's being unreasonable to ghost you for it.
If you mean that want the two of you be free to have sex with other people whilst still seeing each other and he's not happy with that, then that's probably a non-starter.