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Original poster

Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

171 replies

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:45

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was.
I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days.
I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

OP posts:
NiftyKoala · 08/02/2025 20:55

Onlyvisiting · 08/02/2025 19:57

He wanted to be exclusive and you didn't. You can't really then be surprised that he's not comfortable with you dating other people? If you don't want too then up to you, but personally the idea of sleeping with multiple people at a time makes my skin crawl so would be a deal breaker once its progressed that far. Casual non dates before you are physical with any of them aren't the same thing.

I can see his point. Not saying you can't date around but maybe before a second or heck even a first one state that. This way you don't waste anyone's time.

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:56

@Waterboatlass yes I would but I'm worried the whole thing has been tainted now by this and he won't feel the same

OP posts:
AmateurNoun · 08/02/2025 20:57

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:18

@MrsJHernandez thank you, I think that's what's bothering me, he hasn't even bothered to delve into whether I saw the other guy again or anything which makes me think that maybe he wasn't that into me after all if he's able to just let it go so easily. I'm upset over it, but just got to accept it

Why would he need to delve into that? He has asked you to be exclusive, which I don't think is at all unreasonable after you've slept together, and you have said no and that you want to carry on seeing others for the time being. That's all he needs to know.

I wouldn't want to continue in a sexual relationship with someone who wasn't willing to be exclusive.

You're not compatible and I think he did the right thing.

Didimum · 08/02/2025 20:57

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

It might be unreasonable to you, but it’s not to him. Some people do not date multiple people at once, and that’s their prerogative. He asked, you said no – end of the line.

I wouldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t expect exclusively from. If you do – great, you do you. You’re just not for him. You made your choice so move on.

NiftyKoala · 08/02/2025 20:58

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:53

Ok well is it too late to salvage it do you think? Or should I just let it go

It's too late to salvage it. You are not wrong and he is not wrong. You just think differently. Personally if you feel you need to let people know you are dating around that is good and honest. I'd say it before the first date though so it weeds them out before anyone's time is wasted.

FancyExpert · 08/02/2025 20:59

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for exclusivity once you've had sex. He obviously enjoyed your company and wanted to pursue things further. That's fine. It's also fine to keep your options open and to see other people.

Either way though, both of you want different things, it seems to me.

PotaytoPotahhto · 08/02/2025 21:00

I never met more than one guy at a time when I used apps. It’s just how I’m wired and I would have expected the same from any guy I was meeting. If I knew he was meeting others, then that would be enough for me to lose interest. You’re different and that’s fine, but he’s not wrong either.

Mrsknowitall · 08/02/2025 21:05

Fran347 · 08/02/2025 20:09

Tbh it feels like he’s lovebombed you?

How is he love bombing her? He ain’t spoke to her for 5 days 😂 not all men are narcissistic pricks lol

ManchesterGirl2 · 08/02/2025 21:06

I suspect it was more about you saying it was too early to be exclusive. I think most monogamous people would expect exclusivity once things have turned sexual. There's nothing wrong with your approach either but it's incompatible with his. You either need to agree to exclusivity, or look for people who are more of your mindset.

Mrsknowitall · 08/02/2025 21:07

Tbh I would be turned off of a man if I found out he was dating other people still especially after having sex with me, so I would let him crack on and walk away as he obviously isn’t that interested in pursuing just me

Waterboatlass · 08/02/2025 21:08

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:56

@Waterboatlass yes I would but I'm worried the whole thing has been tainted now by this and he won't feel the same

I think if you're really on board then get in touch and wouldn't prefer to be dating others, say you'd like to see how things go exclusively.

Have no expectations though. Hopefully it's early enough to have been a blip. Tbh I'd have been put off but depends what was discussed.

NeonGiraffe · 08/02/2025 21:11

Assuming you're looking for a relationship ( you haven't been specific so don't know) the question would be, why did you want to keep looking if you had great chemistry/sex and we're really enjoying each other's company? I'm guessing he asked himself the same question and concluded you just weren't that into him.

If you've reconsidered and would be happy to be exclusive, then
To try and salvage it, you could try messaging and telling him you wished you'd responded differently, ask to meet up again and if he's still interested would like to explore things further.

doodahdayy · 08/02/2025 21:13

He likely thinks you were trying to keep your options open and your reaction seems you weren't that into him. I'd message him and explain how you feel. Maybe he will be happy to give it a go.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 21:15

12 hrs dates is a bit much imo which is where I'm guessing people have mentioned the possibility of being love bombed... how did those dates play out op all at his flat?

Essentially you're not compatible and I wouldn't bother to contact him again, move on op i doubt it would be as fantastic as it was if you do try with him again.

purpleblue2 · 08/02/2025 21:17

I mean no judgement, you met him twice have slept with him rejected his request to be exclusive and then disclosed you were meeting another man for coffee/dates. I’d say he’s probably found the ICK almost and doesn’t agree because for all he knows you’ve met this person and possibly slept with him too etc considering how things went between you two so fast so he obviously wanted you to take yourself off the dating market so you could commit to getting to know each other more and more without you conflicting it with other men.

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:24

@purpleblue but he knows it was just a coffee with the other guy, not sex

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 08/02/2025 21:24

Look at it from his point of view. A relationship is an investment. They cost time, money, and emotions. Why would he (continue to) invest any of those if you're seeing other people? You could dump him at any time.

People are different though. Some date many and pick one, clearly he's the one at a time sort.

Series circuit vs parallel.

Original poster
Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

OP posts:
Branster · 08/02/2025 21:28

StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 20:01

I’m really out of date obviously because if I was having sex with someone, I would expect us to be exclusive.

Me too. It wouldn't even enter my mind the possibility that the other person would be meeting/ seeing other people.

PotaytoPotahhto · 08/02/2025 21:29

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He showed he was keen by wanting to be exclusive, why on earth play games to make him jealous?

GoldenSunflowers · 08/02/2025 21:29

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Why would you do that? He seems to have liked you enough without this scheming.

purpleblue2 · 08/02/2025 21:30

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:24

@purpleblue but he knows it was just a coffee with the other guy, not sex

Edited

@Gutted84 he might not trust that he might not believe it’ll just be a coffee next time you decide to go on a date. Men and their egos are tough. He may have history of being hurt who knows but he doesn’t have to just take your word for it. Majority men like a woman to be just a one man woman. Which is why he’s already trying to ask you to be exclusive which is where you could have said you’d exclusively date him and refrain from using the apps etc but you didn’t want to. Who knows this may be it or he could be a gas lighter but you can’t paint them all with the same brush

purpleblue2 · 08/02/2025 21:30

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Gosh the plot thickens.
my child’s dad has taught me alot about man’s brain and this isn’t it.

FancyExpert · 08/02/2025 21:33

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Well, that's playing games. Put it down to experience.

I must admit, I really don't respond to that type of thing myself. I'd just think that the other person wasn't that into me at all, if they wanted to see other people.

Weddingbells6 · 08/02/2025 21:35

I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone and still wanting to date others so he maybe feels the same. I would wait to see if this one fizzled out before I moved on to another person. I haven’t used the apps though so I’m not used to what the ‘norm’ is. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but neither has he, it’s a bit of a shame really. Could you send him a last message and just explain that you’ve realised you really like him and would like to give it a try but exclusively? Having said that he may well have been lying anyway - I don’t trust any of them.