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Original poster

Was I out of order telling him that I had a coffee date?

171 replies

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:45

I'm a bit gutted, met a guy on an app, we met twice , stayed over at his , s#x was amazing and we had a great chemistry, each date was about 12 hours long. He asked to be exclusive on the 2nd date and I said it was too soon and stupidly asked if he was seeing other people, he said no and then asked if I was.
I told him the truth and said that I had met someone for a coffee. He started acting strange immediately after that, his texts started trailing off after I left. And now I haven't heard from him in 5 days.
I'm so annoyed at myself for messing things up but I was just so taken back at him asking me to be exclusive. I realize after not hearing from him that I do really like him but also want to ask was I in the wrong to tell him I had met someone else for a date? We met on the apps, surely he knows thats how it goes untill you are exclusive with someone.

OP posts:
indigovapour · 09/02/2025 14:25

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 12:02

The way this all went - I don't think this guy is quite right and my instinct is that he will leave it a few weeks and then reappear, having put you well on the back foot. He'll then believe that you will do anything and everything to not 'lose' him again.

I wouldn't be contacting him again, and I wouldn't be responding if he contacted me. I think he was always going to gradually ghost you after sex and the 'exclusive' thing is a head-fuck bonus for him. I mean who does that after 2 dates anyway?

This seems to be almost the exact opposite of what happened. What an extraordinary leap - he tried to do the opposite of ghosting after sleeping together and she showed herself to be unwilling to commit.

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 14:26

@AmateurNoun Have you met many players? Because this is one of the things they do - lead women to believe they want to be exclusive (often to have sex), and then ghost them/slow fade. Then they circle back later, knowing that if the person responds, they will be 'trying harder', because 'he wanted to be exclusive, so I must have put him off, but ow I've got another chance'. And rinse and repeat.

.

PotaytoPotahhto · 09/02/2025 14:28

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 14:26

@AmateurNoun Have you met many players? Because this is one of the things they do - lead women to believe they want to be exclusive (often to have sex), and then ghost them/slow fade. Then they circle back later, knowing that if the person responds, they will be 'trying harder', because 'he wanted to be exclusive, so I must have put him off, but ow I've got another chance'. And rinse and repeat.

.

Are you reading the same thread as me? He didn’t lead OP to believe. He expressly told her that’s what he wants AFTER they had sex. It was OP who wanted to carry on being a player…

I know this is a strange concept, but sometimes it’s the women who are the players, not always the men.

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 14:33

Why would being unwilling to commit at 2 dates be surprising or make someone a player?

Whereas trying for exclusivity that soon is not usual at all. But I'm not going to change anyone's mind here, and you aren;t going to change mine, so I'll agree to disagree with the majority, and assume the majority are correct.

Until he contacts OP out of the blue...

ClassicBBQ · 09/02/2025 14:33

You sound like a pain in the arse tbh. Don't play games with people like this.

Uricon2 · 09/02/2025 14:45

I'm so glad my dating was back in the days of presumed exclusivity, especially if you'd slept together and were getting on great. You made it clear you intended to carry on dating other people going forward. 40 years ago this would have been considered a very strange conversation and the other party encouraged to run for the hills.

PotaytoPotahhto · 09/02/2025 15:05

ChristmasFluff · 09/02/2025 14:33

Why would being unwilling to commit at 2 dates be surprising or make someone a player?

Whereas trying for exclusivity that soon is not usual at all. But I'm not going to change anyone's mind here, and you aren;t going to change mine, so I'll agree to disagree with the majority, and assume the majority are correct.

Until he contacts OP out of the blue...

If I slept with someone, I wouldn’t want them having sex with others. That is not a usual stance to take at all and it’s very possible for men to feel the same way too.

dorathexplorer · 09/02/2025 15:42

As my now husband said " how can you get to know one person while you are seeing others" ok that is only his opinion but it shows that some men do think like this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/02/2025 15:58

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

I think it's good to keep them on their toes while just dating SO THAT they have an incentive to date you off the market and be exclusive.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 16:11

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 19:55

@Asterales fair enough but I think it's unreasonable to ask someone to be exclusive on the 2nd date, it's far too much to expect from someone, especially someone you met on a dating app

Personally, if I'm dating monogamously and meet someone I like, I'm definitely open to dating them exclusively. Sounds like that's not what you want to do, which is absolutely fine, but you obviously both have different expectations.
You wanted to keep seeing him while seeing other people, and he wasn't happy with that - which is also fine.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 16:13

PotaytoPotahhto · 08/02/2025 21:29

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

He showed he was keen by wanting to be exclusive, why on earth play games to make him jealous?

Show quote history

I've never heard this saying and I love it 😂

TheCatterall · 09/02/2025 16:14

@Gutted84 maybe stop playing games now you are no longer at school. If you can’t approach dating without agendas and games then perhaps aren’t ready to date? It’s not a healthy approach.

Uberella · 09/02/2025 16:22

You had sex with him then had a date with someone else.

If a man did that to me I'd be insulted and not want to see him again.

If you'd posted on here you'd been on two dates with a guy,slept with him and asked to be exclusive to be told no and that he'd had a date with another woman we'd be telling you to chuck him back in the dating pool and cast your net again.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 09/02/2025 16:36

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

Why would you play a stupid game like this when you turned down his request to be exclusive?
Honestly? I think he's made the right choice as you had sex with him, he asked you to be exclusive and you said no, then told him about another guy you were seeing. You pretty much told him you were happy to fuck around with other people when he had given you a clear indication that he wasn't. What did you honestly expect?

LushLemonTart · 09/02/2025 16:41

@Gutted84 he sounds mature. You not so much sorry. But it could possibly be salvaged with some grovelling?

No harm in messaging to say you didn't meet the other guy and can't stop thinking about him. Open your heart. You have nothing to lose. Don't say you did meet the coffee guy if you didn't though. If he doesn't reply then nothing ventured and all that. Good luck.

waterrat · 09/02/2025 16:52

If you really like him - reach out, apologise - be straight and open and - if it's meant to be it will be, he will give you another chance.

Bloom15 · 09/02/2025 17:25

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 21:27

If I'm being totally honest, I was wanting to make him slightly jealous/keep him on his toes by telling him about the other guy but it's obviously backfired on me

If I was him that would really piss me off to be honest

Calliecarpa · 09/02/2025 17:35

It never fails to amaze me how many MNers are stuck in a 'women can do no wrong, men can do no right' mindset. This poor bloke is expressing a firm boundary that he doesn't want to continue dating a woman who's told him she wants to carry on seeing other men, and a few MNers rush to claim that he's love bombing the OP, is being manipulative, is a player, isn't 'quite right' and so on. He's allowed to have a boundary, right? He's allowed to decide that he doesn't want to keep seeing the OP for whatever reason, right? The way he feels is totally fair and exactly how I would feel in that situation. I wouldn't touch a man who was continuing to date and perhaps have sex with other women with a bargepole. I bet if the situation was reversed, if the OP had told a man she wanted exclusivity but he didn't, the same posters would be pouring scorn on him in just the same ways. I mean, I have no idea how you get from a man saying 'I want to date you exclusively' to 'OMG, this man is such a player!!!!', but anyway. 🙄

PotaytoPotahhto · 09/02/2025 17:44

Calliecarpa · 09/02/2025 17:35

It never fails to amaze me how many MNers are stuck in a 'women can do no wrong, men can do no right' mindset. This poor bloke is expressing a firm boundary that he doesn't want to continue dating a woman who's told him she wants to carry on seeing other men, and a few MNers rush to claim that he's love bombing the OP, is being manipulative, is a player, isn't 'quite right' and so on. He's allowed to have a boundary, right? He's allowed to decide that he doesn't want to keep seeing the OP for whatever reason, right? The way he feels is totally fair and exactly how I would feel in that situation. I wouldn't touch a man who was continuing to date and perhaps have sex with other women with a bargepole. I bet if the situation was reversed, if the OP had told a man she wanted exclusivity but he didn't, the same posters would be pouring scorn on him in just the same ways. I mean, I have no idea how you get from a man saying 'I want to date you exclusively' to 'OMG, this man is such a player!!!!', but anyway. 🙄

Oh no, don’t you know? Only women are allowed to have boundaries. If a man has any he’s the devil incarnate.

BlueisBeautiful · 09/02/2025 17:52

Unless you both agreed it was just a one night stand, and it doesn't sound like that, then I don't think he is wrong at all to behave the way he has after you slept with him, it was really great and you have good chemistry, but you won't give him exclusivity. He's probably feeling hurt. Not playing games, he probably has no idea what to do next and he's avoiding communication because he thought you might have something special and now you've said you don't want that.

Despite great chemistry and 12 hour long dates?

Great chemistry isn't easy to come by. I would rethink your dating strategy. I'm middle aged though and I don't think I could hop in and out of bed with multiple people to "road test" them. Tis a different world now.

GreyCarpet · 09/02/2025 18:39

Gutted84 · 08/02/2025 20:03

@MrsJHernandez yes I had met the other guy for a coffee well before he had asked to be exclusive. I think he was being a bit unreasonable too but I guess we just don't align

When you met the other man, had you and this man had sex?

AmateurNoun · 09/02/2025 20:35

I don't know if you're still reading this thread OP but if you are, do you think you would want to be exclusive if he was happy to continue?

If yes, you haven't got anything to lose by sending him a quick message and saying that you messed up because you were surprised by the question but wish you could turn back time and give a different answer as he is really special and you have such great chemistry.

If you're not sure about exclusivity though, then leave him be.

ThatMerryReader · 10/02/2025 09:44

LOL, I don't think we will be hearing from OP anytime soon after the dressing down she's had in this thread.
Serves her well!

CottageGoblin · 12/02/2025 08:15

some of these replies are so needlessly mean.

Op, if you still pop by, just because your attitudes to sex and dating don’t align with a lot of the opinions on here doesn’t mean that they’re wrong.
As far as playing games, when I did online dating, I just made a decision to stop playing games but also to put myself and my wants first. Its easy to forget that a lot of people aren’t honest with the person they’re dating right away, even if they say one particular thing.

StarlightLady · 12/02/2025 09:39

This sounds like “The Great Escape” to me OP, he has become controlling almost imediatly. Had, you been with him long term, l suspect he would be trying to prevent you having any sort of social life.

At least you have found out sooner rather than later. ‘Suggest you remind yourself the sex was good and find someone who deserves you.