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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Huge row with DH over misunderstanding

187 replies

Jollibee · 08/02/2025 10:50

DH and I had a big argument over him mishearing something that I said. He then repeatedly accused me of gaslighting him/ acting like the victim - it all got quite vicious. He wants me to admit what I said and apologise for it. I know I didn’t say it. He won’t speak to me until I “admit what I did”.
Writing it down I see how childish and toxic the whole situation is. We’ve been married a long time and are usually happy. Normally I’d say he was my best friend. He’s going through a bad patch with his depression at the moment and seems generally burnt out by life. (We both are it’s been an incredibly difficult year). I don’t know what to do to resolve this now though. I suppose if he genuinely feels like I would lie and manipulate just to avoid apologising to him then it says a lot about how he sees me.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/02/2025 18:45

fourelementary · 08/02/2025 23:34

@Jollibee I think couple counselling would be really beneficial to you both. Don’t listen to the PP saying about abuse- as you could argue that any argument within a couple is abusive in that case so couple counselling would never be allowed for anyone! What you described is perfectly able to be addressed well in good CC as they will look at the past and how your family life, early experiences and attachment styles influence your relationship… as well as helping you communicate effectively and address thorny issues. They will likely want to know DHs depression is being addressed medically too which it sounds like it is… go for a well accredited professional like Relate or similar. And good luck.

The original post says emotional abuse because of how DP was when she was crying

StrikeAlways · 09/02/2025 20:18

Jollibee · 08/02/2025 11:36

It’s hard to explain but basically we were talking about his anxiety and the impact it has on his life. I said I was worried that our son who also has anxiety was facing some of the same challenges. DH thinks I said that his anxiety was ruining our children’s lives. That’s not word for word what was said but the jist of it. He remembers me very clearly saying “your anxiety is ruining our DS’ life” which I absolutely didn’t say.

Show quote history

It sounds like he is projecting, as he himself fears that he is ruining his son’s life. A sense of being worse than useless, a burden, an awful parent etc is pretty standard in clinical depression. It’s also very hard work at times living with someone who is ill with depression. I can only suggest that you insist that he ‘misheard’ and carry on as normal until he comes around. This whilst not offering him any extra care (beyond what you might do if he were not depressed) until he comes around. Unless he is neurodivergent, he will. In the meantime, do things you enjoy to distract yourself and relax 💐

Pippyls67 · 09/02/2025 21:08

Vaxtable · 08/02/2025 11:24

You stand your ground. You did not say what he thought you did, why should you lie and say you did just to stop him acting like a two year old

Leave it for now, let him be frosty, you just carry on as normal, ask him questions and chat as normal, ignore the tantrum

Then perhaps tomorrow just gently explain you did not say whatever so can’t apologise for something you did not do and it’s up to him to accept that or not

And leave hi, to it, just carry on as normal

No this is wrong. He’s not acting like a 2 year old - he’s acting like someone who’s depression is controlling their thought. Everything seems negative to him so the worst case scenario of what was said will seem the most reasonable and realistic to him. It’s not personal. It’s not how little he thinks of Op. It’s how little he thinks of himself and the world around him. Op should just be supportive and say she wants to let it go and will remain ready to reconcile at any time. This disproves his negative thinking that Op doesn’t value him or his opinion. He thinks that btw - because he doesn’t value them himself.

YourWildAmberSloth · 09/02/2025 21:44

Jollibee · 08/02/2025 12:02

Apparently not. He genuinely thinks I am trying to manipulate him and gaslight him. Which makes me feel awful - if that’s how he sees me I don’t know where that leaves us.

Show quote history

And in doing so, he is manipulating and gaslighting you.

PickledKT · 10/02/2025 16:00

This sounds like Autism. I used to have this with my husband ALL THE TIME.

Before he was diagnosed I was getting ready to leave him - this was 2 years ago - we have been together for 7 years.

It would always be about something that I said. And he would latch onto it. Something menial like hoovering the flat. Or not being somewhere on time. Always worrying about what other people think.
These accusations would fall perfectly in time with someone coming over / or if we was leaving the house to go somewhere

it was all very weird and me looking forward to going somewhere or someone coming over would end up with me in tears and so upset

he was diagnosed 2 years ago and he does these things because he doesn't know how he feels about stuff

he is on sertraline now - an antidepressant and it works wonders for him - I started taking citlapram since last year because the whole thing from years before made me anxious and I ended up staying up all night Alot wondering if these things would happen again as I was always confused

it's was so frustrating pleasing with him to believe me that what he was saying wasn't true

but what they want is the reaction - just to keep calm for now, do not react, just say "ok." Your not admitting that you have "done it" but what you are doing is saving your sanity for now - because he wants the reaction - even though what he is saying is probably pathetic - don't loose yourself in this -

This gives him space to come back later to apologise if he realises he has gone over the top - but don't expect it as this will drive you mad too.

if he doesn't and he keeps picking fights with you and hasn't been courteous enough to talk over the last thing with you, you need to think about leaving - because that is abuse and he is grinding you down

dont bother trying to reason with him

lots of love and keep yourself safe xxx

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 16:11

PickledKT · 10/02/2025 16:00

This sounds like Autism. I used to have this with my husband ALL THE TIME.

Before he was diagnosed I was getting ready to leave him - this was 2 years ago - we have been together for 7 years.

It would always be about something that I said. And he would latch onto it. Something menial like hoovering the flat. Or not being somewhere on time. Always worrying about what other people think.
These accusations would fall perfectly in time with someone coming over / or if we was leaving the house to go somewhere

it was all very weird and me looking forward to going somewhere or someone coming over would end up with me in tears and so upset

he was diagnosed 2 years ago and he does these things because he doesn't know how he feels about stuff

he is on sertraline now - an antidepressant and it works wonders for him - I started taking citlapram since last year because the whole thing from years before made me anxious and I ended up staying up all night Alot wondering if these things would happen again as I was always confused

it's was so frustrating pleasing with him to believe me that what he was saying wasn't true

but what they want is the reaction - just to keep calm for now, do not react, just say "ok." Your not admitting that you have "done it" but what you are doing is saving your sanity for now - because he wants the reaction - even though what he is saying is probably pathetic - don't loose yourself in this -

This gives him space to come back later to apologise if he realises he has gone over the top - but don't expect it as this will drive you mad too.

if he doesn't and he keeps picking fights with you and hasn't been courteous enough to talk over the last thing with you, you need to think about leaving - because that is abuse and he is grinding you down

dont bother trying to reason with him

lots of love and keep yourself safe xxx

In a bit confused by your post

you say that he was diagnosed with autism

and things improved enormously after he went on setraline, which would address anxiety and depression but not autism?

PickledKT · 10/02/2025 16:16

@Bestthriller The Sertraline helps his anxiety attacks caused by autism

Slimmermama · 10/02/2025 16:32

Thinking a broader picture, perhaps you voiced something about your child that he had thought and was already worried about. If he thought you were blaming him it may be because he already feels bad that he feels overwhelmed by depression.

I would go in with a line that you were sorry that he feels you said that but you wouldn't ever criticise him for his MH as you love him. You also love your child and want as much heads up as you can to help them too. If he honestly wants to stick to what he thought you were implying then his anger is more about himself not you.

I feel sad that you're in this situation as I have been in similar with my father lots of times and it was draining. Sometimes you have to look after your own MH and not take their anger bait.

PoltyGal · 11/02/2025 10:49

Has he done this before? Is he suffering from depression or lack of outside stimulus, hobbies, etc? I know a chap who every so often tries to pick a fight with me, every three or four months.

I used to rise to the bait every time and then decided it needed to stop. I ignore it when it gets past a certain point, and just ask him, is he spoiling for a fight? It brings him up short.

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2025 13:11

Jollibee · 08/02/2025 13:15

I’m fairly sure friends/ family would say our relationship is a good one. He’s one of the genuine few in our circle who is an equal parent to our DC, takes on his share of the mental load, works less hours in his career so I can work more hours developing mine and genuinely looks after us all. He makes me laugh. He’s the only person I can be truly vulnerable with and he accepts me for who I am. We genuinely love each other. We also have a long history together having been together since we were very young.

I think I struggle with the idea of throwing all of that away because a tiny bit of him is also an absolute arsehole when he is under threat.

Equally I know I can’t have someone who supposedly loves me verbally lash out and me and speak to me with such contempt regardless of the suituation or how rare it happens.

Well that depends on whether or not he's prepared to acknowledge it and seek help for it

Daygloboo · 26/07/2025 00:28

Jollibee · 08/02/2025 10:50

DH and I had a big argument over him mishearing something that I said. He then repeatedly accused me of gaslighting him/ acting like the victim - it all got quite vicious. He wants me to admit what I said and apologise for it. I know I didn’t say it. He won’t speak to me until I “admit what I did”.
Writing it down I see how childish and toxic the whole situation is. We’ve been married a long time and are usually happy. Normally I’d say he was my best friend. He’s going through a bad patch with his depression at the moment and seems generally burnt out by life. (We both are it’s been an incredibly difficult year). I don’t know what to do to resolve this now though. I suppose if he genuinely feels like I would lie and manipulate just to avoid apologising to him then it says a lot about how he sees me.

I don’t know what to do.

Depression can indeed make a person behave in a nasty way..He probably does.need some.professional help..Maybe you should say that you are simply not prepared to.put up with his nonsense behaviour as tou havent donw anythibg wrong, , that you are now getting fed up with ut and that he has got a problem.with depression and that if it makes him behave like that it could jeopardise marriage and that he definitely needs to get help. Make him see that it's serious..

Politygal · 26/07/2025 10:16

I haven't read the whole thread but how old is he? In this situation i would be wondering if he has hearing problems, memory problems, or is getting a touch paranoid about getting older. A hearing check would be good to start with.

But don't give in and explain that you won't and why. Good luck. Dont indulge his selfish obsession.

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