Huge row with DH over misunderstanding

[Jollibee]

DH and I had a big argument over him mishearing something that I said. He then repeatedly accused me of gaslighting him/ acting like the victim - it all got quite vicious. He wants me to admit what I said and apologise for it. I know I didn’t say it. He won’t speak to me until I “admit what I did”.
Writing it down I see how childish and toxic the whole situation is. We’ve been married a long time and are usually happy. Normally I’d say he was my best friend. He’s going through a bad patch with his depression at the moment and seems generally burnt out by life. (We both are it’s been an incredibly difficult year). I don’t know what to do to resolve this now though. I suppose if he genuinely feels like I would lie and manipulate just to avoid apologising to him then it says a lot about how he sees me.

I don’t know what to do.

Bloody hell op
if not for yourself, surely you can see how awful this must be for your kids to grow up in?

The OP has said this sort of thing happens once a year or less (which is actually less than 1% of the time). Parents are allowed to have a rare full-blown arguement and to take a bit of time to heal from such an argument. They are talking, they are calming down, starting to give ground...

Hurt feelings on both sides?! What’s he got to be hurt about? This isn’t a tit for tat. He’s behaved appallingly but is trying to make out you’re both at fault. Not on!

This plus OP has admitted that they are the one with the short temper rather than DH. I think that they do have a good relationship and just as I’m sure he manages OP’s fuse, OP can manage his occasional taking things wrong, being stubborn and being in his head.

OP’s often say incidents are out of the blue when posters start commenting how awful this must be for the children. I think it hits a nerve but they don’t want to address it

So now you are refusing to believe the OP?

Who on earth is not believing the op?!

I find it so sad how the op doesn’t see how awful they are and it seems so genuine.

Oh wrong thread!

But yes
I can’t see how this is a complete one off
i don’t think the op is a troll
but I do think head in sand in terms of impact on children

I'm shocked that you're going through this once a year or so, it's the sort of thing that should never happen more than once and ideally just doesn't happen. Knowing that the person who is supposed to be your partner can be nasty and attacking like this from time to time is just not a way I could bear to live, and definitely not expose a child to. Does he recognise that he does this and that it needs to change, or do you both ignore it when he's moved on?

Maybe but a lot are talking about his “outbursts” when OP admits they are the fiery one so I think OP is being pretty frank and the full picture is not exactly being taken into account. Having been in an abusive family from both parents I see on MN some posters are quick to jump there when irl most people have these sorts of fallouts at some point (not necessarily in this context but definitely similar weight).

To me it sounds like DH’s depression and anxiety was heightened at the time and he took what OP said as something else and truly felt that was the aim which translated to that phrase probably based on his own insecurities. It’s not right but it’s relatable and they are working through it. I can see why he feels hurt and I can absolutely see why OP is hurt. I think this is one that they can learn to heal and as they come out of this they can hopefully figure out a way to approach things better if and when either of them feel like this again.

The op says his on going depression has been very bad
the op says the argument got “vicious”
they then avoided one another
and
now there’s a very uneasy “peace” but he still “genuinely” believes the OP gaslit him and lied.

This kind of interaction doesn’t happen once a year. This is an unhappy environment. Where the OP does think that to some extent his depression is negatively impacting their children (although didn’t say it but that was the “gist”).

If you really do believe his bad depression is making your son anxious and unhappy Op - then quite honestly, that needs to be your focus. Is he actually doing anything to address his depression?

Yes we have DC. No we haven’t argued in front of them. This happened long after they were in bed. In front of them we have been civil/ polite to each other. I don’t think DC picked up on an atmosphere between us (we have an 12 year old and a 9 year old - both have been in and out at various activities today as well).

It really does happen that infrequently. It tends to be when his depression is getting bad and he needs to change meds/ engage with counselling again. We have spoken today about how he’s struggling and the steps I expect him to take. I am not for a second saying his depression excuses his behaviour because it doesn’t and I am still thinking about what I do going forward.

Let him digest this.
Tomorrow I would be telling him that he is doing palpable damage to your relationship and your feelings for him.

That he needs to start dealing with his shit.
That using you as his emotional punching bag and being very nasty is not something you feel you can continue to accept.

I would be telling him that you intend to seek outside support for yourself as this cannot continue.

He needs to know that he is putting his family at risk.

Not victim blaming you OP, but we will be dished up as much shit as we are prepared to accept in some relationships.

You need to let him know that actually he has crossed a line and you are no longer prepared to accept it.

Supporting him does not mean that he gets to emotionally abuse you.

e. We are avoiding each other today

Your children really haven’t noticed? Given it this weekend… what was breakfast, lunch like? Did you go out?

I find it disturbing his depression is causing anxiety in his young son but he hasn’t done anything about it

"now there’s a very uneasy “peace” but he still “genuinely” believes the OP gaslit him and lied." That's not what the OP said. The OP said she's "not sure" whether he now 100% believes her. I'll duck out of this thread now, the OP can speak for herself, but plenty of people are reading things that are not there, whilst also overlooking the OP's honest assessment that on a day to day basis she is the one who is "fiery" and loses her temper with her husband. Does he experience that as something he weathers 364 days of the year and then blows up 1 day of the year when it all gets too much? That's not for any of us to assume nor to put words in the mouth of the OP and/or her husband. Only they know how they experience their relationship and what they need to do next.

He works hard on managing his poor mental health. I would say roughly every 12 -18 months it slips and he needs to change what he’s doing to get to grips with it again.

Our eldest DC seems quite anxious and has done since he was tiny. I obviously worry that this is learnt behaviour from watching us as parents and how we interact with the world. I also worry about genetics because poor mental health seems to run in our families. We can’t do anything about genetics obviously. I include myself in this because I also have a tendency to spiral and a perfectionist attitude which I know isn’t healthy and not what I want to pass onto DC.

I obviously worry that this is learnt behaviour from watching us as parents and how we interact with the world.

what do you mean? How do you and your dh interact with the world?

Breakfast - DH sorted I was still in bed.
When I woke up they were watching tv and DH was cleaning the kitchen. I joined the DC then got the youngest ready to go to one of his clubs and took him.
When I came back DH was about to take the eldest to a friends party.
I collected youngest from club and we had lunch together (me, DH and youngest DC). We both mostly spoke to DC about his activity rather than each other, I’ll be honest. Then I went out to get eldest DC from his party. When I got back DH was doing something in the garden. I went to the office to do some work. Then later in the afternoon when the DC had gone to play with the neighbours (probably playing too much Xbox) we had a chat and tried to sort things out. Instigated by me - DH wouldn’t have sought me out I don’t think.

Never ceases to amaze me how obtuse some parents think children are.
Children are fine tuned to sense an atmosphere.
They may not understand it, have the words to explain it, but they miss nothing IMO.

How often have posters here told of children loving the peace of a post split home, where posters write they had no idea how affected they were.

Women invariably play down this type of emotional abuse to protect themselves initially as the truth is too much to absorb.

His MH and nasty emotional disregulation dominates the house and has for too long.

He needs to be put on notice that it is not acceptable.

Your children will pay the price of this being tolerated by you if you allow this to be their childhood.

Is he more important than them?
Thats the question.

Forget his words. Actions are what count going forward.

I would be asking him can he go and stay with family to give you space.

Pandering to him has not worked.

My ex (who was experiencing paranoia at the time) did this to me and it was the thing that finally helped me leave. I absolutely refused to admit I'd said the thing he said I had.

Agreed

the op seems utterly oblivious

Op what did you mean about being worried about impact on your children in seeing how their parents “interact with the world”?