Huge row with DH over misunderstanding

[Jollibee]

DH and I had a big argument over him mishearing something that I said. He then repeatedly accused me of gaslighting him/ acting like the victim - it all got quite vicious. He wants me to admit what I said and apologise for it. I know I didn’t say it. He won’t speak to me until I “admit what I did”.
Writing it down I see how childish and toxic the whole situation is. We’ve been married a long time and are usually happy. Normally I’d say he was my best friend. He’s going through a bad patch with his depression at the moment and seems generally burnt out by life. (We both are it’s been an incredibly difficult year). I don’t know what to do to resolve this now though. I suppose if he genuinely feels like I would lie and manipulate just to avoid apologising to him then it says a lot about how he sees me.

I don’t know what to do.

Honestly and kindly, I think you need to relax a bit with your fears that DC will be harmed by your DH’s depression and your disaster planning. Were your relatives and indeed yourself able to talk about their/your struggles and fears, or were these not to talk about and to be feared? The vast majority of people in life struggle in one way or another. Self-aware people reflect on this and what is maladaptive and what is a healthy way of coping. By this I mean, the depression and anxiety may have been there regardless in DH and your relatives; the issue is how it was addressed (or not). Your DC may have anxiety regardless of what you do, and this is not something terrible, and where you need to look for reasons, it is something to support them through.

You (and your DH) might wish to reflect on the ways in which your DC’s childhoods are different from your own. You might also wish to reflect that it is not the end of the world if your DC has anxiety and needs treatment for this - it will make him or her more understanding of the struggles people have and they will grow in strength from knowing they can overcome difficulties - I mean this is the point, everyone has difficulties, the important point is to recognise this and accept it, and then decide what to do in a caring manner.

Not sure if that makes sense.

@Bestthriller @Billydavey I don’t think that’s fair. It’s more nuanced. DH heard me say his anxiety is ruining my DCs life. I would never say that. I don’t think that. I do worry that his anxiety has an impact on DC. Of course I do. So does he as we discussed earlier.

So when you said that it was the “gist” of what you said but not “word for word”…. It wasn’t the gist?

I think it was relating to the gist of the conversation just talking about son (but not in relation to dh). The he translated. I had to read it a few times so might be wrong.

Oh for god’s sake thus really doesn’t matter as much as you are making it out to matter and I really think its a derailment of the OP’s thread to accuse her of essentially lying at the outset of the thread. Even if, in the heat of the discussion, OP left her dh with the impression she was concerned that his anxiety was affecting their child a man who begs for accommodations because anxious/depressed and then goes on a massive sulk because his feelings are hurt is out of line and not acting in the best interests of his family or his relationship doesn’t get to be startled and shocked that “your anxiety “ snd “our family life” get brought up in the same conversation.

OP has been very open and responsive on this thread do you can be sure she us reading your comment and taking it to heart. Is this really how you choose to be? Confrontational and hostile rather than compassionate and helpful?

So the gist of the entire conversation was the negative impact of the DH’s depression on the children?

I read it to mean that the gist of what the DH thinks the op said was in fact the gist of what she was saying but she didn’t use the exact phrase “ “your anxiety is ruining our DS’ life” which I absolutely didn’t say.” Which is what he thinks the op said. And she didn’t say those “exact words” but basically yes - that is what she said

It’s important
why?
because the op does think that
and even though he’s saying the wrong direct quote
he knows and she knows that the op does think that

and i would wager that she’s correct

No not what I’m saying that the gist was about dh’s then separately son’s. But he connected them kinda understandably but heard something she didn’t say but turns out it is something she has felt but not said. They have discussed this today openly though.

Oh don’t get me wrong

he comes across as a horrible twat in this exchange

OP, you say your eldest is showing some signs of anxiety. Has he had any counselling to address this? If you can afford it, it might be a good idea to get him into counselling so he can learn how to manage his anxiety at a young age. CBT can be very useful for learning how to challenge anxious thoughts and behaviours and replace them with more beneficial ones. The sooner he can learn this the better and it will be skills be can take with him throughout life. Have a look at the counselling directory to find a good counsellor in your area. Make sure they are BACP so you know they are qualified.

Exactly thank you. I was trying to summarise the gist of the conversation DH and I had.

@TipsyJoker yes DC has had CBT as we wanted to get them started early at the first sign of future issues because of family history.

@Jollibee I think couple counselling would be really beneficial to you both. Don’t listen to the PP saying about abuse- as you could argue that any argument within a couple is abusive in that case so couple counselling would never be allowed for anyone! What you described is perfectly able to be addressed well in good CC as they will look at the past and how your family life, early experiences and attachment styles influence your relationship… as well as helping you communicate effectively and address thorny issues. They will likely want to know DHs depression is being addressed medically too which it sounds like it is… go for a well accredited professional like Relate or similar. And good luck.

I don’t think he was abusive
I don’t think the op was abusive

I think he’s very seriously depressed and it’s bleeding in to family life and has been for some time. I think the family seem very anxious, highly strung and… well, not very happy.

Hopefully if your DH ups his meds and gets some therapy, that will part address, but given what you’ve said about your tendency to fire off and the trauma you experienced and all your concerns - I think you’d benefit from therapy.

And it sounds like your children too.

Do you have the funds for private? Because I’d say this needs to happen asap

Say this and stand your ground.

Act respectful and go about your normal life.
If he keeps insisting that you think other than what you do, book a few days away with a jolly friend or relative in a place of natural beauty.

Come back refreshed. You deserve to be believed.

But as it stands - his very serious anxiety meaning he doesn’t want to be around people and his deteriorating depression does seem to be making his children very anxious

Why on earth would the OP leave her already anxious children for a few days with a seriously depressed and highly anxious father?!

He sounds like he misheard or misinterpreted - if this was the other way round, bet you would not be calling the woman an arsehole.

If he thinks he heard you say his anxiety was ruining the kids lives, shouldnt he have stopped and thought about that instead of trying to bully an outcome out of his wife? 🤨

Hi again OP. I have found joliefolle’s comments particularly helpful on the thread . I think I’m in the minority in not placing this in the ‘abusive’ category necessarily and I appreciate that’s because I’ve said my DO has behaved in a similar way. I just wanted to add for what it’s worth that we have an autistic child. DP has no diagnosis but he and our autistic child are very similar in personality and he has commented that some of the traits associated fit him. When we had this recent big row where he also misinterpreted what I’d said, it really made me think of the fixed mindset aspect. Just putting it out there in case it’s helpful (and I’m not intending to suggest bad behaviour is part of autism).

Also, in case it helps, our autistic child did have quite significant mental health difficulties in earlier teenage years (they are 20 now and much better). And we have another child who has been quite anxious. I really understand the worry and guilt about this. It will be really really helpful, if yours were to struggle, that you and your DH have been to counselling and are open to the signs and ready to support them.

And finally…I hope this comes out as I intend it. You and DH obviously had difficult childhoods and have been left to deal with the emotional consequences as best you can. So did my DP. People on the thread who are saying that no one in a relationship should ever behave badly and everything in the garden should be lovely always…Families are so so difficult, it’s hard enough being a parent and sometimes stuff comes out that you didn’t even know you were dealing with, or that you are trying to deal with that has spilled over. You and your DP sound like you found each other in very difficult circumstances and are doing the best that you both can to make a better home for your children, and I think that intention goes a long way.

Totally agree with @marthasmum that this is not the ‘abusive’ category, every single couple on the planet disagree at times, has conflicting viewpoints, has a sulk, has a bad mood grumpy day. It’s not the end of the world or the end of a marriage.
mumsnet posters have a habit of catastrophising every situation.
You sound like rational loving person, I hope your husband can receive some medical help for his depression and that you move forward as a family unit.

Agree with this. As a previous poster said... Short term. Maybe take a few days break with the DC in half term, and he can have some time to himself at home. Give you all a chance to breath.

Your post resonates with me as my now ex husband often ‘misheard’ things I said when I was 100% sure of my exact wording and that he had not listened properly or not heard clearly.

when I have looked back now I don’t think it was a coincidence that every time this happened it enabled him to be annoyed with me, every single time it seemed to work in his ‘favour’ and give him a reason to have a go at me or to ignore me for days and days on end.

On the anniversary of my mum’s death I was very upset and said to him that he’d find it hard to understand exactly how I was feeling as both his parents are still alive. Immediately he started shouting that I was so horrible and an awful person as I’d said I’d wished his parents were dead, how could I be so nasty etc. I know for a fact what I did and didn’t say that time and he was mis quoting me. Gave him a reason in his head though to shout and then ignore me for several days.

Lots of similar examples and now I look back clearly it was some kind of abuse.

You’ve had lots of good advice in here and I hope things improve for you x

Just on the anxiety OP if you can find somewhere that does the Triple P Fear Less course for parents of kids with anxiety (our local family centre do it here) I can’t recommend it highly enough. Absolutely life changing.

No, but he needs to address his issues if he wants to continue in a happy marriage. Obviously it's not roses and sprinkles all the time but being emotionally abusive is a pretty big deal.
The impact it can have on the receiver is a whole other thread and it's just not ok to do it anytime, even if once a year it's once a year too many.

So let him simmer down and then approach the idea of him getting some help with that side of things (apologies I've not rtwft)