How to navigate bad bonus with DH

[gollyimholly]

Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping it is relevant context. Also sorry if this is more relevant in the money section but my question really is on how to navigate emotions more than anything.

I am a SAHM (our only DC is nearly 2 years old). Before DC was born, I was not planning on being a SAHM but maternity leave was stressful due to DC being in a hospital (with a particular illness she has but is generally ok now thankfully ie. she does not need any special support or care) and I am a far more anxious person than I realised. Neither DH nor I felt happy about daycare and I realised even after finding the perfect nanny, I just couldn't bring myself to leave DC. DH was very supportive of whichever I chose in terms of returning to work or staying with DC. I was very grateful to be able to stay home with DC and still am. Since being married (5 years this year), DH and I have shared finances completely and so it didn't feel like that much was going to be different for me.

However, whilst I was pregnant, DH had two job offers. We both jointly chose the job he went with but ultimately it was the wrong decision. It was the wrong decision for two reasons:

• it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.
• its earning potential is based on bonuses more than anything (it isn't anything dodgy and the company is a household name internationally). The base is half what he usually would be on and from a pure numbers perspective he felt he had failed completely.

Before he received the offers, DH was redundant for about a year. He worked abroad before the pandemic and after the pandemic the company was taken over by another company and brought in all their own people at C-level and so DH couldn't stay. During his year of redundancy he worked in a contracting role (less well paid than both job offers) whilst looking for his appropriate position. It is not easy to find DH's role in the UK at the salary he was being paid abroad.

Given the redundancy, the contracting role and then choosing the wrong job, DH has been feeling really awful about himself and that he's not doing well career-wise.

Yesterday, he received information on what his bonus is for this year (it is the first full year he has worked in this role) and so the first real picture of the bonus. We've both realised how tricky it is to plan life around an unknown bonus and have been waiting for clarity with this year's bonus. And it is shockingly low. DH feels awful. I don't want to say anything negative to him at all and add to how he is feeling. Previous to today we really would be very joint in all conversations including his work and he would consider my opinions equally. Also previously to today, we have been weighing up another job offer but even though it's well paid, it's abroad (UAE) and we aren't feeling very keen about uprooting our young and growing family away from our "village" so far away. My immediate feelings to the bonus are quite crestfallen and also nervous re.finances and would like for DH to job hunt and find something more in line with what he was used to before the redundancy. But it will take A LOT of effort and being on the ball. DH's reaction is to double down on the UAE job offer as he thinks it's now the only way he can recoup all the losses of the past few years.

I want to tell him that he needs to start looking, and looking really seriously, for a UK based role. Neither of us really want to move abroad. If that was me, and it was my job, that's what I would do. But DH feels like he isn't going to get better than the UAE role. The problem here is that, it isn't me looking for a job for myself. I need to be the emotional support whilst he is feeling rubbish and nervous, but I also feel the same. But I don't feel like I can really express that because I think it would just make DH feel even worse about himself. And yes, I can of course go back to work myself (and I don't plan on being a SAHM always) but we are both very happy with me looking after DC for now.

I suppose my question is, how do I be supportive and encourage DH that we need to look harder in the UK, express that we can't live in limbo like we have been because we're pinning too much on an unknown without making him feel even worse.

Sorry this is so unbelievably long. I think I'm part using MN to express my own anxiety but hoping for any advice to how to be more supportive. I feel like we've both messed up and DH's once sparkling career has been really destroyed by a bunch of bad decisions over the last few years. This is something he himself feels but I try not to say I agree because he feels so terrible about how far down a snake he's fallen.

Contact some specialist job agencies for him- get them excited about meeting him- they are much more likely to be able to convince him that his CV is great than you are.
Encourage them to meet him at a restaurant and smooze him- he needs an ego boost and some advice about how to get his career back on track.
You are at home and can approach them for him-the more it seems like he is being headhunted the better, I am sure there are plenty of well paid UK roles he can explore- and that can banish the spectre of the UAE job- good luck.

Well that sounds a more positive update. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

Great, but its about the poster, not you. I returned to work within 2 weeks of an emergency C Section, such was my job, Not everyone gets to or wants to stay at home.. Everyone is different and there isn't a stereotype as demands of the job are different.. My job at the time required my continued input as soon as possible after the birth and very little time off as well.

Tell me, do you get the discursive nature of posts. The bit were someone will respond and relate or demonstrate how a post is relevant to them by sharing something. Be it opinion or anecdote. You get the idea.

I see some sahm have shared their experience and thoughts on return to work after a child. you’ve not made any reproach to them, saying oh? No…this isn’t about you

I see you’ve thoughtfully shared your opinion too.

Would you like a badge that says something like 'badd ass mummy, returned to work early'. You do what's right for you and do you understand the discursive nature of posts? It's not a competition which you possibly think it is, as you've only explored one side of the argument which may mean that your bias is towards returning to work when you did. Great, your choice but how does that help the original poster. If you're going to join in a discussion, you have to accept there may be other sides of the 'discussion'. Not everyone wants to return to work really early as I did but I acknowledge others may have a different view and stating a view without supporting reasons isn't a basis for debate or discussion, its a statement. Op is ibviously feeling conflicted, point of this discussion is to make her feel less so and able to make decisions on new facts/info. My own situation was really irrelevant.

Are you okay, you’re somewhat vexed and not coming across too well.

I have found your posts the same @Zone2NorthLondon

Thank you for your kind approach@Khayker I am absolutely in awe of your return to work story!

By Posting your partner career disappointment and subsequently continuing to post your inviting opinion? You’ve received plenty post to consider

Obviously, you’ll gravitate to affirmative posts you like and feel less favourable to posts you think are challenging or don’t like

Yes, I think you’re unrealistic in stating you want a part time flexi work from home role that offers no commuting, additional hours as and when you may need them. I offered an opinion, you’re in no way compelled to act on it

of note, I’m not the only poster saying you should go back to work. are you planning to address all of them individually? Or just me? It’ll take time though as a sizeable amount of posters had also said return to work etc

You posted his career disappointment, I posted. Lost of other folk posted . This is literally his threads work

Now I’m off to get my badass mum badge crafted

Always rational always willing to be impartial. Never vexed as very few have the ability to rile me but thanks for your concern

Not vexed? Even more concerning then that you wrote such an aerated post

It's nothing to do with whether it's negative or positive. It's your language and style of communication I find irksome.

And with respect to others who have said the same, I've given general replies but there's no point going down that rabbit hole as I'm looking for advice about something in particular and there's not much point for me in going down an avenue that doesn't work for me.

Another poster who clearly hasn't read all the OP's posts.

I hope you understand, but I don’t really it is appropriate that to revisit or ask me to justify every response I made to you. It’s too intense

My posts were made in good faith, in response, to what was posted. I’m not going to engage in a 1:1 about them

You have to be joking!

He's a 40 year-old man not a four-year-old child.

@gollyimholly

it sounds like you had a good chat with DH and you're pretty much both in agreement

I hope you find a job here that is both satisfying and well paid and preferably near to your parents!! but even if it's not, anywhere in the UK would mean that you and DD could see them frequently!!

I hope your therapy helps with your own issues and obviously I hope DD stays well!!

Best wishes for everything going forward xx

@SnoopySantaPaws why do you keep saying that ? - I had read the posts and maybe this poster has too - maybe we just have a different viewpoint to you,

irksome,bad ass mother on a badge. Yes, ok

So much wise advice has been given.

I would say that as you are unemployed, OP, and have given up your stake as a breadwinner, it's tricky for you to advise him what to do, career wise.

I think you should consider the UAE in terms of the money it would bring to your family, but this does not solve the problem that your husband feels his value is connected to his salary

Does he have hobbies, like sport and culture? Does he have male friends outside of work? He sounds like a man who needs to take a step back from the treadmill.

'Here, at home, most days, DC and I will end up at my parents just because I really struggle with being alone with DD all day. I'm ok if we're out and about but I do find the thought of entertaining her by myself overwhelming and I am always worse off for it. DD loves spending time at her DGPs and it really helps me feel like I'm not alone.'

based on the above, why would either of you even consider him moving to and working in the other country.
Would you not feel even more alone in that country ?

You need to get a job yourself, and present it positively, as an opportunity for you to return to the workplace, and that you're excited about that. Or look at the positives of moving to the UAE for a couple of years. Your child is young, so now is a perfect opportunity to experience a new culture. You say you're supportive, but your post comes across as someone who's supportive if they get what they always had on their own terms. Not much flexibility, just disappointment. No wonder the poor guy feels like a failure,

Op will need to have plenty more harsh and hard conversations. In the next few days and weeks. Because The bad bonus has only just happened a few days ago, and it hasn't yet sunk in for Dh. Plus it isn't just the bad bonus issue. It's many many issues, many many bad decisions that Dh had made, bad choices re career and job, many many poor decisions. And that will hurt his pride. But he needs to recognise that, get over it. Quickly. And make better decisions . But he seems unable to face it all.

This means you will have plenty more hard conversations.

Or you just accept that he isn't actually the man you thought he was. He can't actually deal with this, and take tiny steps to re-assess. And you leave him. Decision is yours.

@Oblomov25 I wouldn't leave DH because he's made some bad decisions, I also wouldn't leave him if he has reacted immaturely to the bonus. I would be a hypocrite - I've made bad career decisions, I've also reacted immaturely to things. We're both growing together and learning from our mistakes. I am still navigating how to have hard conversations in a healthy way - for example, I think it is important to tell my DH if I am not happy about something, but I would only want to do it in a way where he won't feel hurt or criticised. Likewise, I would like him to try and do the same for me. I think it's so super important to know each other in an authentic way.

@KM123456 I think in the past year I will admit I haven't been very flexible and I wonder if that's what is coming across. I am not typically like this but I think my anxiety did go unchecked and I have less tolerance or capacity to be accepting of a difficult circumstance. But I am working on it and I want to be a support for DH. He has been a great support for me and allowed me the freedom to get myself together post birth.

sorry I don't know how to get rid of the tagged name.

I think there's a couple of reasons: if it's the right career move for DH then I do want to be supportive of that.

I am sure I will feel lonely, you are not wrong. HOWEVER, I might have more hands on help eg. live in maid. I do go to my parents and I love to see them play with DC but my mum still works full time and my dad is really too unwell/a very old fashioned man (eg. never changed a nappy) to be any hands on help. Sometimes I think perhaps I need to move away to learn to be more independent. Not long ago I remember someone made an AIBU about their child travelling, and another living in a different time zone and a friend commented how sad that all their DC were so far away. But that parent still has a good relationship with them. A poster replied saying how brilliant these DC's lives must have been that they are so independent and confident and still have a good relationship with their parents. I thought about how opposite of that I am. Although my relationship with my parents is good, they often don't understand why I feel like I feel and the way they speak can plant seeds of doubt in me and my ability to do something. I am not like the DC of that AIBU post but I would like to be and it perhaps won't be easy for me initially but I feel like I should give it a try. DH knows about this theory of mine and we did say if either of us just feels like it isn't working we will think of an exit strategy.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon

Sweet summer child, you truly do need to learn more about opinion and fact. Bless!