How to navigate bad bonus with DH

[gollyimholly]

Sorry for such a long post, but I am hoping it is relevant context. Also sorry if this is more relevant in the money section but my question really is on how to navigate emotions more than anything.

I am a SAHM (our only DC is nearly 2 years old). Before DC was born, I was not planning on being a SAHM but maternity leave was stressful due to DC being in a hospital (with a particular illness she has but is generally ok now thankfully ie. she does not need any special support or care) and I am a far more anxious person than I realised. Neither DH nor I felt happy about daycare and I realised even after finding the perfect nanny, I just couldn't bring myself to leave DC. DH was very supportive of whichever I chose in terms of returning to work or staying with DC. I was very grateful to be able to stay home with DC and still am. Since being married (5 years this year), DH and I have shared finances completely and so it didn't feel like that much was going to be different for me.

However, whilst I was pregnant, DH had two job offers. We both jointly chose the job he went with but ultimately it was the wrong decision. It was the wrong decision for two reasons:

• it isn't the job DH has always worked in but a role that uses his skills instead (eg. surgeon moves into a company to advise on medical decisions) and so because it was so different to what his usual day at the office was he struggled to feel useful or someone that had any gravitas or importance.
• its earning potential is based on bonuses more than anything (it isn't anything dodgy and the company is a household name internationally). The base is half what he usually would be on and from a pure numbers perspective he felt he had failed completely.

Before he received the offers, DH was redundant for about a year. He worked abroad before the pandemic and after the pandemic the company was taken over by another company and brought in all their own people at C-level and so DH couldn't stay. During his year of redundancy he worked in a contracting role (less well paid than both job offers) whilst looking for his appropriate position. It is not easy to find DH's role in the UK at the salary he was being paid abroad.

Given the redundancy, the contracting role and then choosing the wrong job, DH has been feeling really awful about himself and that he's not doing well career-wise.

Yesterday, he received information on what his bonus is for this year (it is the first full year he has worked in this role) and so the first real picture of the bonus. We've both realised how tricky it is to plan life around an unknown bonus and have been waiting for clarity with this year's bonus. And it is shockingly low. DH feels awful. I don't want to say anything negative to him at all and add to how he is feeling. Previous to today we really would be very joint in all conversations including his work and he would consider my opinions equally. Also previously to today, we have been weighing up another job offer but even though it's well paid, it's abroad (UAE) and we aren't feeling very keen about uprooting our young and growing family away from our "village" so far away. My immediate feelings to the bonus are quite crestfallen and also nervous re.finances and would like for DH to job hunt and find something more in line with what he was used to before the redundancy. But it will take A LOT of effort and being on the ball. DH's reaction is to double down on the UAE job offer as he thinks it's now the only way he can recoup all the losses of the past few years.

I want to tell him that he needs to start looking, and looking really seriously, for a UK based role. Neither of us really want to move abroad. If that was me, and it was my job, that's what I would do. But DH feels like he isn't going to get better than the UAE role. The problem here is that, it isn't me looking for a job for myself. I need to be the emotional support whilst he is feeling rubbish and nervous, but I also feel the same. But I don't feel like I can really express that because I think it would just make DH feel even worse about himself. And yes, I can of course go back to work myself (and I don't plan on being a SAHM always) but we are both very happy with me looking after DC for now.

I suppose my question is, how do I be supportive and encourage DH that we need to look harder in the UK, express that we can't live in limbo like we have been because we're pinning too much on an unknown without making him feel even worse.

Sorry this is so unbelievably long. I think I'm part using MN to express my own anxiety but hoping for any advice to how to be more supportive. I feel like we've both messed up and DH's once sparkling career has been really destroyed by a bunch of bad decisions over the last few years. This is something he himself feels but I try not to say I agree because he feels so terrible about how far down a snake he's fallen.

DO NOT follow your husband to a job in UAE with a child.

If divorcing you will not be able to take your child back to UK without his say-so.

I was just going to say that childcare costs can be as high as your earnings plus you need to take into account sick days etc.

Going back to work doesn't always bring the bacon but can add a lot of stress for both of you. People don't always realise that.

Moving to UAE for more money will always always have the same issue with hen you return. The money will be less. You go there to earn for a short term and return. You don’t go there to earn and return when the salary in the UK has increased. That’s not real.

I'm thinking more about the general sense I'm getting of this post. This doesn't necessarily feel like "how do I support my husband" but rather "how do I tiptoe around the fact I think my husband has failed".

On the face of it I don't think he has failed. Redundancy is common and nothing to be ashamed of. He's kept working to keep the money coming in and tried something new, albeit the new job didn't turn out as hoped. But he's still earning enough anyway so really that's more of a learning curve. It's fine to try something new and decide you don't like it

It sounds to me what he probably needs most of all is a confidence boost. The fact he has shied away from his network sounds like a shame, as it sounds like he has been quite successful over his career.

Basically I would shy away from what feels like slightly awkward 'oh dear you didn't do very well did you" and focus on building him up to find confidence again. That will be a positive thing when he thinks about his next step - if he can feel strong in what he offers and find some excitement in his prospects. Maybe it's more about trying to find the type of work he loves again rather than just focusing on money.

@gollyimholly

did you have the opportunity to talk to DH last night? How did it go?

I think then the UAE job is probably the right job to go for if it is going to get him back on track

He could set himself 18 months to do the job then start to look for one back in the uk.

Look on it as something you do for a finite amount of time.

@gollyimholly with all due respect I think if you want to be at home with children then you are either going to have to go with the flow and if that means he wants the UAE job and it's good for career and his sense of self then you look at the positives or you back out, let him get on with it here and you look for this flexible WFH job if that's what you want- if I was him I would feel like you were trying to project manage me , partly because you were a bit bored and I can almost sense the disappointment in your post. He will know the market on his expertise area and what his opportunities are here ( or are not). As you know there have been lots of redundancies in many professional sectors, not just working for Tescos etc and sometimes you have to go with what's on offer, not what the ideal is- I think you will find this yourself too if you start job hunting.personally I would be open minded and go and give it 2 years and then reassess .

@Crikeyalmighty

I don't think you have read all of the OP's posts and I think you are misjudging her harshly.

@SnoopySantaPaws no I have read all OPS posts- I really don't wish to sound harsh and I myself am not the biggest fan of the UEA but there are a finite number of options and one or the other of them I feel is going to have to compromise. As OP doesn't have an offer on the table and he does then I don't think it can just be dismissed unless they are both happy to carry on as it whilst he continues still looking for a new role. It may just OPs choice of language but I can't actually work out though if this is about the money at all as OP says they are comfortably off but then mentions the 'disappointingly small bonus' - is this purely about her Hs self esteem about it being a small bonus, or is it the money too ? I'm presuming the money matters as it sounds clear OP would rather not work at the moment - It's clear that sales based roles are not for him -

I think you need to join him in looking for work.

I can't seem to quote the post, but OP has said that she struggles on her own with DD and goes to her DPs most days, also that she is receiving treatment for anxiety.

It doesn't seem to me that heading to UAE would be in either OP or her DDs best interests, plus it would be devastating for her DPs who are used to seeing their DGD on a daily basis.

It also feels like this is a knee jerk reaction on her DPs basis, surely there must be other options other than UAE or remain at existing company. Unfortunately they do require an up to date CV and possibly a LinkedIn presence.

I think you need to get a job, perhaps WFH, plenty around and stop expecting him to compromise on what he's happy doing as there may not be many choices when dc goes to school.. Nobody wants to go back to work after having a child, sick or not, never seems quite the the right time emotionally or practically for first time parents, hard to judge sometime, but your daughter will be going to nursery then school so that will force the issue. Have a screamer like I had and you'll run back to work lol

Good plan

this stereotype of the new mum distraught at returning to work is not universal . After 6mth mat leave and I happily skipped back FT. None of my colleagues had any reticence nor did my friends. Work is what I do,I’m not wholly defined by being a mum and I don’t want to give up work because I’m a mum. We are not all sobbing into the laptop because we are back at work

The lifestyle you would have in the UAE would be an adventurous experience. I've known a fair few people who have moved there and they say the luxury of everything is out of this world. All depends on some areas of course and the inequality etc.

Otherwise could you find a job to help out with 30 free childcare hours to fit around? Xx

I have to say that I was a bit bored on Mat leave. Loved my babies of course, and was initially a wrench but was happy to get back to work. Was fortunate to be able to afford childcare.

@SnoopySantaPaws yes, DH and I did speak last night!

DH seems to be on the same page as me with regards to feelings about the UAE - he would much much prefer for us all to be here in the UK, near family, and for him to find a role here. That said he would still like to pursue the UAE role (although he's been given an offer, there is lots of admin to do still eg. health checks. It all seems like very tickbox exercises but we've read that this particular company can also randomly go silent even once an offer has been given)

We discussed variations of me and DD staying at home while DH goes out and then joining him once he is settled a bit, all going together, why I would feel anxious and isolated, giving ourselves a time limit of 5 years, leaving the region entirely if one of us just can't do it.

I explained all the high achiever complex some PPs mentioned. He said he does feel awful about the last few years, but also we made the best decision based on the best information at the time with respect to the sales role and we've learned from it and that's that. He doesn't want to go back as a partner in private practice, he hated the lack of work/life balance and prefers the in house lifestyle.

DH said the UAE role would be an appropriate next step to go back to being a GC but he would much prefer to find something in the UK. So he will stay at the current company and see what GC roles are out there, meanwhile continue to progress the UAE role. I myself feel encouraged by some PPs kind advice and would like to see it as an adventure - I do find moving overseas intimidating but I do also want to be supportive and do still like the idea of trying it out at least.

DH is disappointed in the bonus. He said his particular team far exceeded targets and so it feels especially unfair. It was the department that missed the targets and the bonus pot is significantly smaller this year. Some people also did not get a bonus.

And about me staying at home etc. I am comfortable with it for now. DH has no qualms about it. I think where a lot of last year was consumed by hospital stays, we didn't get the chance to enjoy life with DD. And I feel lucky for the time out to be able to do all the things I feel like I missed out on. I haven't started looking for that unicorn part time role but I just meant it's an ideal and I'll be looking for something very different to what I've previously done when I do eventually feel like working. I'm not putting any pressure on myself, neither is DH. And despite finding things difficult, I am feeling a lot happier lately than say at some points of last year. I appreciate a lot of people saying it's not good for my career etc and I did have a big old identity crisis about what I should do back when my maternity leave was up but I ended up listening to my heart. I've changed in so many ways I couldn't have predicted and I'm leaning in to my maternal side and I'm at peace with that.

@gollyimholly I think that's the best thing - just be open minded and supportive. If he gets something else then great - no compromise needed- if he doesn't and the UEA role is still tempting then yep look on it as an adventure- it's been discussed if it doesn't suit if you try it - I would feel miffed too in that position - that's the problem with sales roles with commission elements- so many variables you can't control - we had similar when covid hit -our bonus went from around £8k a quarter to £3.5k a quarter and it's approx 30% of our earnings

Either let him take the job offer or you get a job and help support him but you can't have it both ways.

Who needs enemies eh!

I haven’t read the whole thread so someone may already have suggested this, but if I was DH I would find a good recruitment agent in my field in the UK and find out what salary expectations are realistic for the sort of role he would like. That might have a big impact on whether you encourage him to look in the UK or whether you should reconsider moving abroad I.e. how good the UAE opportunity really is.

You sound lovely - supportive and sensitive. You’ll both get through it. Do encourage him to look for another UK job. He’s had a great offer from UAE and a UK firm may well also value his skills. Good luck with it all.

Not sure if you've mentioned but how old is your DH? Mens earning potential tends to peak at 40 and then they hit age discrimination as the 20 something's come up hot on their heels. He may have to reassess what he thinks he should earn Vs what others think he's worth now.

He is 41.

In terms of GCs of the size of companies he is applying for, I think he is slightly on the younger end of the scale.

It sounds like a good update, but it's slightly concerning that he is still continuing with the UAE paperwork. Is he at least going to update his LinkedIn profile and see what else is out there ?

Has he gotten over his flounce about doing the bare minimum and not going into the office?

Yes, that was just in the heat of the moment I think (and he will now continue to go in as normal) 😬

We didn't talk about LinkedIn that much really... But even before the initial redundancy, he was a very light linkedin user anyway and so it's never in the forefront of his mind when job hunting. He seems to always have gone through headhunters or through his network.