I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship I'd want to be involved in. You've a 7 year old. You have Responsibilities. He's living with flatmates, having exes sleepover and not bothering to tell you, not really speaking much during the week. Pothead. Depends what you want though? A fling? Something to pass the time? Fine maybe. But if you want someone serious about you and serious about themselves this isn't it

@ZenNudist
There is no way you fall asleep cuddling someone unless you are intimate. I'm an ex dope smoker. I didn't fall asleep cuddling anyone ever.

I agree, I've been to plenty of houses where friends turn up randomly and people smoke weed and at no point did I ever walk in on two people asleep cuddling a platonic friend. I have found one cuddling a teddybear (awwww).

I can imagine one falling asleep and another, trying to get their attention accidentally on purpose falling asleep putting the arm of the other around them in the hopes they woke up and got something out of it.

Nah, as another PP said Southern Med countries are way more conservative about serious relationships than they appear. He'd move the heaven and the stars if he thought he was in a serious relationship.

OP the good thing here is you don't have to make an instant decision on anything, he hasn't been violent or dangerous, just either very stupid or very manipulative. So you have time to work out how you feel and what you want from a relationship going forward. If this isn't it, you can disengage at whatever speed suits you.

Just a little update.

He asked me to meet him on my lunch break so I did. He kept reiterating how he never meant to fall asleep like that, her bags were just in his room to make space in the living room while they were all hanging out. He said he’d had one joint but wasn’t high just tired as he had worked late the night before and hadn’t slept well.
All of that seems irrelevant now anyway as I decided to ask if he still had feelings for her, he sort of made a point of avoiding saying yes or no and was more just like “I’m not with her, I’m with you isn’t that good enough to show you who I want”. I know from a previous conversation they broke up because he moved to the UK and she didn’t want to leave her family so I asked him if she said she was moving to the UK would you be with her. He got quite annoyed saying it’s pointless talking about hypotheticals which will never happen. I asked if he was just picking between us as people who would he chose and he kept saying me but then following it with “but I can’t separate the circumstances from the people so it’s a stupid question.

I feel like all the dancing around and lack of clear answer suggests he still has feelings for her, matched with being comfortable being intimate with her (even if unintentionally) means there probably isn’t a future in this relationship, but I don’t know as I do love him and need to think before making big decisions.

I feel so sad for you. You know he can’t respect you when you chose to be second choice, the consolation prize as he can’t have her.

please end it, you will lose all dignity and self respect, self esteem by choosing this “but I love him so am goijg to be the second choice till she comes here or he goes there”

@Imaunicorndavid This is going to get messy. Walk away. What if he wants to return to Italy? What if she decides to move here?

Don't be anyone's second choice, the consolation prize because his ex wouldn't move to the UK. You're worth more. You should be with someone who always picks you first.

OP - please don’t do the pick me dance to be someone’s consolation prize.

Hes as good as admitted she’s his first choice. As much at it might hurt now to walk away, it will hurt more if and when he chooses her and goes back to Italy.

Not sure about second choice here, he did move to the UK even though he knew she didn't want to. He can't think that much of her to do that.

That he may still have feelings is possible but as he didn't go running back to her because he couldn't live without her says way more about his real feelings for her than it says about you.

Not sure I’d align with that, it’s a huge leap. You don’t know why he moved to the uk. And he wouldn’t even tell the op he’d pick her.

No more a huge leap than people saying OP is second choice.

None of us know why he left Italy, I do know he hasn't gone running back to Italy to his one true love which he would have done. People do actually put up with hardships if they can't bear leaving them.

Oh dear, that's not good, that sounds like he's only not with her because she won't move to the UK. If that changes, he'll drop you like a shot. Maybe they are still in some kind of relationship anyway. I would feel very isolated with the 4 of them so close. So cheeky expecting you to stay there as well. Definitely bin! You're not a placeholder until they sort their shit out.

I think you’re on the minority thinking as you do.

The problem here is you deserve someone who is 100% into you. Can you get comfortable knowing he cannot come out and say he doesn’t have feelings for his ex anymore? Probably not because that means that he does.
And if you can get comfortable, what does your future look like? Marriage? Would you lie awake the night before your wedding wondering if he’ll show up or go back to her? If children, would you always wonder if one day he’d walk away from the life he built with you for someone else?

The point is these things can happen anyway, when women have zero signs. But he has as good as told you that if she moved here things would be different for him. I couldn’t build a life knowing it could be pulled away from me if another women chose to move to the UK.

You deserve someone who wants you for you. Not you for convenience. He probably does like you a lot. But not enough to say more than his ex. I think you know what you’ll do, but it’s ok to take your time. I’d find out when she was leaving and wait until after then. Just to c*ck block him tbh.

This is just getting worse. Out of respect for yourself you should end it.

If he’d told you honestly that he still has feelings for her, but not enough to want to be with her and would rather be with you - could you live with that?

Has he been clear with you about what his long term plans are for himself and have you discussed your future together? Because if he’s planning to return to Italy in the future then you’re on a hiding to absolutely nothing.

If you stay with him, I think you need firm boundaries with him about his interaction with his ex - feelings won’t go away if they’re still such close friends and you’ll always feel like you’re waiting for him to leave her.

I don’t think you’re second choice here exactly because if he wanted to be with her then presumably he would be, but I think you might be the choice for right now.

His actions will speak louder than words - so I would watch those closely.

Well, we don’t know this. I’ve always left useless men thinking that I could surely find better… I didn’t - until my current bf, but the search took sooo many years and so much heartache. I genuinely almost gave up. It’s not a guaranteed that we’ll find someone better.

im not saying that she shouldn’t leave him if he did cheat or was planning to cheat. But she needs to figure out what went on with a clear head.

I do find that the trend on MN is that as soon as someone complains about a man the advice is ‘’run/ block/ delete’’.
Husband of many years and father of children who forgot to buy flowers for Valentine day? DIVORCE HIM!
Boyfriend who forgot to call? LEAVE him!

if that’s the approach in all situations everyone will be constantly in between relationships

There is no law that says we all have to align with the majority of posters, I don't expect you to align with everything I say just because I said it, I respect you have an opinion.

I originally said it doesn't matter what he has or hasn't done if it feels bad for the OP and on my second post said she can take her time on deciding what to do. Now everyone is out to make the OP feel fucking amazing by telling her she is second best. We don't know that, OP knows how she feels and that is what is important not the drama lovers hoping for a huge bust up and court case so they can get their jollies.

100% this. He knew she was coming, he planned to try and have his cake and eat it and you causing him red handed. Dump. Block. Move on.

OP, I’m sorry to read your update, I can’t believe he didn’t tell you that he’d choose you in a heartbeat. Men are v good at lying so the fact that he’s being so ‘honest’ may suggest that he enjoys seeing you a bit jealous and tortured, as to makes him feel more ‘wanted’, and not necessarily that he’d choose her.
Put it this way - is she was ‘the one’, he wouldn’t have left his country. If he was ‘the one’, she would have moved to the uk with him. Or they would have had a long term relationship. It’s nice to fantasise about a failed relationship and to remember only the good things. There’s a reason why they are not together and I don’t think it’s just because of the distance… But he’s still a dick for not reassuring you.

don’t make any decisions yet, give yourself time to consider everything

18 months into a relationship in the grand scheme of things isn't a overly long time , you should still be giddy and all loved up.
You say you can go days without seeing him due to shifts etc . If you add up all the time you've spent in his company in the last month or so ( sleeping not included ) you will probably discover the time you've spend engaging with him is probably not long.

What I'm getting at is if you move on from this and forgive him ( whatever it's called ) will it be forever in the back of your mind ? Can you see it as just a blip and move on ?
You keep saying she's friends with other housemates , so that's why she is there without him telling you she will be , you are making excuses for him , the luggage could have been put in any of the bedrooms.

Maybe he was going to sleep on the sofa and give up the bedroom ? Why would you give it up , he's working and needs a good night's sleep .
Also the not telling you she is staying at the property is a red flag . He's not being honest here.

No. He’s a liar. He still has feelings for her and he’s rubbishing your questions. He’s invalidating your valid feelings. I bet if he walked in with you all cosied up on the couch with your ex, who just happened to mysteriously fly in from abroad without you knowing, he would go mental and it would be a different situation altogether. Dump him. He has shown you he isn’t trustworthy. If you stay with him he will see that as a green light to walk all over you. It’s over. He’s ruined it. There’s better men out there. Block him and move on.

All of that seems irrelevant now anyway as I decided to ask if he still had feelings for her, he sort of made a point of avoiding saying yes or no and was more just like “I’m not with her, I’m with you isn’t that good enough to show you who I want”.

Oh wow. No, that's not even in the same postcode as "good enough".

If you say with him, how are you ever going to believe that she hasn't flown over for a visit everytime he tells you he has other plans?

He lied and didn't tell you she was visiting.
He has admitted if circumstances were different he would be with her.
He was evasive on both of the above.
He doesn't respect you.

Don't be an option for someone when you aren't their first choice.

You’re in love with someone who is lukewarm about you.

You're an option and not a priority to him. He can't manage to even lie and/or give you a straight answer which tells you by omission.