I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

[Imaunicorndavid]

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

I think your update confirms how devious he was when he went ahead with the plan for her to stay with him and the other couple given he has more or less confirmed the strength of his feelings for her.
From what happened after she arrived and how the four of them were sat together they had already paired off into 2 couples. And no doubt that's how they would have been behaving for the duration of her stay if you hadn't shown up unexpectedly.

You really are in the dark as to the extent of their relationship in that this might not be the first time something has happened between them since you met him.
I think you would be better finishing things with him unless you are prepared to always be the third wheel.

Just bloody end it already! You’re a grown ass woman with a child. Stop mooning over him like a teenager when he doesn’t feel the same. There is literally nothing tying you to him.
Jesus Christ the disrespect people will put up with 🙄

He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep

Bullshit. You saw what you saw.

personally i wouldn't accept it as a partner so i don't blame you feeling betrayed

The whole thing sounds like it's going nowhere and this has made a huge glaring point of exactly why that is!

On top of the fact his ex who he's close and cuddly with pops by to stay without any discussion, his friends also all talk in Italian while you're around (fucking rude tbh, particularly when you're rightfully shocked by seeing him having a snuggly nap with his ex) and from the sounds of it they make no effort with you. The ex is the bestie of the other woman living there, who is probably talking about her to him and keeping his image of her dear and warm while she's away... And they play double date behind your back when she visits.

You're being treated like some casual outsider. You've been together for 18 months, have a key to their flat and they still all treat you like this?

Fuck that. Ask yourself why you're settling for this pale version of a relationship!?

This is far too fucking messy for my liking. After 18 months you shouldn't have any doubt whatsoever in your head that you are Number 1. There should be natural boundaries- fine, occasionally text an ex if you are happy with that, but this is crossing a boundary and he really isn't doing enough to prove he wants to be with you. Plus he smokes weed.
Get him gone.

I think it’s perfectly possible nothing was ‘happening’ and there was no cheating or intention to cheat, however I do think your boyfriend has crossed a line and shown disrespect to your relationship by being cuddled up with his ex. He should also have checked if you were comfortable with her staying over, as while many people wouldn’t mind, many people would. It crosses the boundary of what you can reasonably assume will be acceptable to another person, and imo is inappropriate behaviour if he’s in a relationship with you. Whether anything was ‘meant’ by it or not.

ok it’s clear from this he has feelings for her still and sounds like if she moved to the uk he would happily get back with her (and at the very least would hesitate if asked to choose between you). I mean he’s literally told you. His answer should have been a clear unequivocal ‘I wouldn’t choose anyone over you’.

Sorry OP but I think you’re wasting your time with this person.

Oh come in! What is there to think about? You have a child to think about why are you letting yourself be strung along like this?

Agree, exactly as I commented previously. I was responding to a PP who said the OP shouldn’t tolerate a friendship with an ex.

You have a 7 year old and are very young. Please don’t get involved with another man who will not be there in 2 years’ time. You say you love him, he doesn’t love you.

Please don't do this to yourself.
Leave the relationship with dignity.
You deserve to be someone's number one. Don't do the pick me dance, your self esteem will be shattered. Move on please.

Definitely rude to be speaking Italian when you're there. I've lived in different parts of Europe and even in their own country my friends and colleagues have predominantly spoken in English when I've joined them.

He claims his ex doesn’t really speak English. His flatmates did speak English to me, and he spoke English to me but they spoke Italian to her. I guess if she doesn’t really speak English that is fair enough?

I get it now, that's not what I'd imagined and I'm glad the others spoke in English to you.

The whole thing feels like a riddle you can't quite get a handle on. I really think you need time away from him and probably away from mn to get clear on your own instincts, otherwise you're going round in circles x

I dont think this guy is serious about you or about this Italian girl - he is messing with women and getting what he wants from them. You see so little of him he probably has even more females he's involved with (to a greater or lesser extent). Seriously, if you need someone to hang out with at weekends/ fuck occasionally - then accept it is what it is and dont get emotionally involved. But the problem is, you sound you have feelings for this waste of a man... which is a problem as you have a child and you don't need to be treated like a causal fling by someone who you love. It will ruin your mental health and will reflect badly on your kid. Dump this twat, I know he is probably charming, funny, attractive etc etc - but this is just a front, it means nothing. You need to concentrate on how he is treating you, and how all of this makes you feel.

Now all your posts are defending the situation / him .

Oh wow. The updates get worse!

I think you’ve reached a turning point after 18 months.

If you love him and want a future with him, IMHO you should end it to avoid heartbreak. He doesn’t sound that serious about you nor trustworthy nor respectful. Have you ever talked about his long-term plans? Doesn’t he want to return to live in Italy at some point?

However, if seeing him suits you for now as a lone parent during the time you’re not with your DS, you could carry on casually seeing him. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. You’re still very young. Plenty of time to find someone more reliable and trustworthy. But don’t factor him into your future plans, don’t let him get to know your DS and FFS don’t get pregnant or fall any more in love.

If you take the latter route, you’d have to accept you could be missing out on someone who really does love and respect you and would be committed to a future with you. A lot of guys start to think about settling down by early 30s, so the pool of decent men without kids will start to shrink.

Also depends on whether you’d like another child and how financially secure you are alone. If you’re happy with the one child and you’re financially secure, you don’t necessarily need a serious, long-term relationship. You can just have fun, which I expect you deserve if you became a mother at 19 and your DS is now a little less demanding and a little more independent.

No rush to make a decision. But try to think clearly what it is you need and want. And the routes ahead of you and their pros and cons. Use your head as well as your heart.

So we have broken up.

He asked to call me and basically said that he had been thinking more and he does have feelings for her and it’s not fair to drag me into his mess more than he has.
Still won’t admit that last night was anything more than he already claimed.

My friend thinks he probably went back and spoke to her after our chat and she’s now confirmed she is also interested back so he feels safe to let me go.

Im absolutely devastated.

I'm so sorry OP .

It may not feel like it now but you really are better off with out someone who has been hankering after another woman during the whole of your relationship and who even now can't be open and honest.

I know it feels bad and you are hurt but you really dodged the bullet here. I promise you will look back and fell relieved!

Leave them to their dramas. They are welcome to each other!

I would also imagine you being in the picture and her feeling she has a competition had a lot to do with them getting back together. Your relationship was not what you thought it was, sorry!

So sorry OP.

Sorry you’re so hurt OP but honestly in time you’ll understand why this is all for the best.

He was with you because you're in the same country. Now that she's here, well, they fall asleep in each other's arms. Sorry, OP.