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Original poster

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
Iceboy80 · 08/02/2025 21:18

There is to much drama in this relationships, that's why you don't have opposite sex as friends. I can tell you this much I don't care what the excuses were that would me calling it a day.

Peace, not drama any day of the week.

AndThereSheGoes · 08/02/2025 21:18

Oh Op. Gutted for you.
I would reiterate what an earlier poster said. You have lots of time to find another. I think it helps that you have a child already as you don't need to meet someone with the dreaded click hanging over you so much.

I think the circumstances with your BF are pretty unique. They were all old friends, so the boundaries and expectations were different. I don't think it means you have terrible taste in men. Maybe aside from the weed smoking which I don't think works well for men generally.

DiduAye · 08/02/2025 21:24

Trust gone relationship dead move on and don't look back

ZippyBrick · 08/02/2025 21:48

Bulkypeepants · 07/02/2025 08:57

It's not just opinion is it - you've let your partner speak to his ex, and now he's ended up falling asleep with her cuddling up on the sofa. You know that you wouldn't cheat hence you give yourself the opportunity to speak to your ex's. Men are increasingly less able to do this in a platonic manner (yes NAMALT blah blah) and therefore I don't think it's unreasonable to say you need to stop speaking to your ex partners otherwise I'm out.

Show quote history

No, it's just your opinion, and you clearly feel your opinion is worth more than other opinions...

OneLilacCrow · 08/02/2025 22:01

He’s a good liar. Dump him. Don’t waste your time on him.

Serenesage · 08/02/2025 22:11

He’s gaslighting you. He wasn’t honest, whether they’re just friends or not. They’ve had sex in the past, so not telling you and then him cuddling her is just inappropriate. I would have to cut my losses and move on. He thought he would get away with it now he’s making out that it’s you being unreasonable and not understanding. It hurts but you know what you need to do. Such a shame and it’s his fault, you will find someone who will treat you the way that you deserve xx

Laurmolonlabe · 08/02/2025 22:22

Even if he didn't cheat, even if everything he said is true, he has obviously been communicating with his ex, and has agreed to let her stay.
You won't be able to trust him again, everything he says and does will be viewed through the lens of what you discovered- if you hadn't dropped in you would never have know his ex visited. Maybe you can live with all that, but I know I couldn't.

2021x · 08/02/2025 22:26

@Imaunicorndavid

Ah dude, read all your updates and all this chatting with him is making it worse for you.

He is trying to make himself look like the good guy, but he isn’t admitting what he did was wrong even to himself. Even if there was no sex, you now know he still hasn’t been honest with you there is no point.

He doesn’t have to be a villain, but you are dodging a huge amount of heartache by letting this one go.

Pessismistic · 08/02/2025 22:28

Sorry to hear this op. but did you really want a long term relationship with someone who smokes weed it would not be a good fit if you ever shared a home with him and ur dc. You have had a lucky escape the pain will go away eventually.

abouttogetlynched · 08/02/2025 22:55

I’m sure it won’t feel this way, but he’s done you a favour OP when you were too to end things yourself. Hopefully this experience will toughen you up a bit so that you won’t stand for such BS in future.

Smaglare · 08/02/2025 23:02

Sorry to hear he's broken up with you as I know it must hurt. However, if he's broken up with you while she's here, it's likely so he can sleep with her and not feel guilty about it because "you and him are officially over". Please don't get back with him if he calls you after she's headed back to Italy!

BlondiePortz · 08/02/2025 23:06

There is more red flags than a UN convention how many more do you need?

SlowestHorse · 08/02/2025 23:11

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:05

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa. Historically he hasn’t told me if he has had other friends over though so that is kind of true but he never falls asleep cuddling them!

Show quote history

Sorry, that's gaslighting. You could be describing my ex's behaviour. She's not the same as "other friends". Move on now and save yourself the agony of putting up with it for years!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/02/2025 23:19

Sorry OP, sounds like a messy relationship if his close friends haven't become close to you in 18 months.
Are rude and speak in Italian when you're around.
He's comfortable falling asleep with an ex .
Smokes enough to forget what he's been up to etc.

It won't feel like it now, but it's for the best.
Someone who loves you won't make you feel insecure.

Mummysaf · 08/02/2025 23:24

I hope you’re ok OP

people can be so rotten x

dorathexplorer · 08/02/2025 23:33

I had a bf who told me an ex of his was coming to visit. I wasn't happy about it but a wise friend said play it cool. I did , she came and guess what? She hadn't known he now had a new gf. She packed up and left. My message? There are some guys like this who will try to keep all avenues open.

Original poster
Imaunicorndavid · 08/02/2025 23:55

Thank you everyone. Honestly it’s gotten even worse and I feel totally betrayed and life the last 18 months was a lie.

I messaged his flatmate about dropping off his stuff and getting mine as I didn’t really want to see him. She told me to stop in today as he and the other girl were out.

This is going to sound utterly crazy and absurd but she said that he and this other girl were never properly over. He said they were on a break while living in different countries and were okay with the knowledge of them both sleeping with other people but to her knowledge they were basically dating anytime she was in London or he was in Italy.
Last summer he spent 3 weeks in Italy and I knew he had seen her. We didn’t really call much as I’d taken my son on holiday on 2 of those weeks. Apparently he was sleeping (both sex and literally just staying at hers or her at his) every night and they went on date nights.

TBH I feel pissed off that she has told me this now but not when I was dating him, feels like she just wanted to twist the knife.

When I was getting my stuff, I noticed some jewellery on the bedside table, make up scattered on his chest of drawers and a teddy bear that isn’t his on the bed, so clearly she isn’t sleeping on the sofa either. Made my heartbreak.

He’s told me he loves me and everything (okay not often but at least once a week for the last year).

I can’t help but wonder how much this girl knows and if she knows the set up how she is okay with it.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 09/02/2025 00:25

What she knows or doesn't know isn't your issue anymore OP.

The girl who told you is his friend first, so has no loyalty to you.

Best thing you can do is move on and block him. He's not worth it.

Loads of people have f-buddies, fwb or arrangements like your ex.

Also lots of people who cheat and lie, it's no reflection on you.

There'll be someone out there for you, somone who'll treat you with love and respect.

ChiliFiend · 09/02/2025 00:32

You poor thing. The right person is out there for you - don't look back.

MarkingBad · 09/02/2025 01:36

If he was still with his x then why did he want you to go back to stay at the flat while she was there and when you refused, ask to stay with you the whole time she was there? His flatmate has a vested interest in helping her friend rather than you. If she was a decent person she wouldn't have said anything at all about the situation, she just wanted to make sure you were completely out of his life so her friend gets him back.

You are well away from that kind of crap, you don't need it, try not to give what she said or the situation any headspace. His flatmate is definitely not your friend and therefore untrustworthy, on top of everything else, you don't need more distrust in your life. I'm sure someone as lovely as you will find a good relationship when you are ready.

Mayana1 · 09/02/2025 03:54

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:15

He asked me to stay. I knew he still messaged her sometimes, but didn’t know he would see her when he visited. She only spoke to him in a different language while I was there so I don’t know what she was saying.
He has messaged since but when I said can’t she get a hotel he said “she’s just a friend, I’m not kicking her out to a hotel, just come back here, you don’t have anything to worry about”.

Show quote history

Not that would make a difference, but where they are from originally?

onceuponatimelived · 09/02/2025 04:26

Cheating or not, there is NO excuse or reason that warrants him spending time with his ex and cuddled into her on the sofa like they’re an old married couple. Absolutely not ok unless he spoke to you about it beforehand which it sounds like he didn’t, so the fact that he obscured her visit from you proves he is lying and withholding information which is very stupid of him considering he knows you have a spare key and could show up at any instance.

Are you inlove with him?

laraitopbanana · 09/02/2025 07:15

Hi op,

if you question then trust your gut. Some friends is one thing…your ex, no. Either he doesn’t understand what is needed in a couple communication and then you will again face these kind of shitty situations…
or
he conveniently thought he doesn’t have to because he didn’t want to put you first and then you need to run for the hill.

in any case, forget about him. Do not think he won’t do it again. Do not think he will change. What you see is what you get. If he wanted you, he wouldn’t have even have her around him in the first place.

Sorry…🌺

Stinksmum · 09/02/2025 08:41

I'd just drop him one last text, along the lines of "I'm glad you managed to have consolation sex with me whilst your first choice was in Italy. Your "friendly" flatmate told me all about it". Just to ruffle a few feathers in his lovenest really, annoy him for a bit.

Shrinkingrose · 09/02/2025 08:46

Imaunicorndavid · 08/02/2025 23:55

Thank you everyone. Honestly it’s gotten even worse and I feel totally betrayed and life the last 18 months was a lie.

I messaged his flatmate about dropping off his stuff and getting mine as I didn’t really want to see him. She told me to stop in today as he and the other girl were out.

This is going to sound utterly crazy and absurd but she said that he and this other girl were never properly over. He said they were on a break while living in different countries and were okay with the knowledge of them both sleeping with other people but to her knowledge they were basically dating anytime she was in London or he was in Italy.
Last summer he spent 3 weeks in Italy and I knew he had seen her. We didn’t really call much as I’d taken my son on holiday on 2 of those weeks. Apparently he was sleeping (both sex and literally just staying at hers or her at his) every night and they went on date nights.

TBH I feel pissed off that she has told me this now but not when I was dating him, feels like she just wanted to twist the knife.

When I was getting my stuff, I noticed some jewellery on the bedside table, make up scattered on his chest of drawers and a teddy bear that isn’t his on the bed, so clearly she isn’t sleeping on the sofa either. Made my heartbreak.

He’s told me he loves me and everything (okay not often but at least once a week for the last year).

I can’t help but wonder how much this girl knows and if she knows the set up how she is okay with it.

Op, don’t shoot the messenger, she did the honourable and kind thing in telling uou. She is not the problem. He has lied, he is the problem. It was very clear they were an item when you found them, as said, two people need to be in thay position on the sofa to fall asleep in thay position.

It is sad he had to end it, and not you, however he was right to do so as you weren’t. . Just grab hold of your dignity and move on. Don’t take your anger out on this woman.