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Original poster

I just walked in on my BF asleep on his sofa with his ex

348 replies

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 22:58

I don’t really know what to do or feel.
I’m 26, I have a 7 year old with my ex and I’ve been with my BF for 18 months. We don’t live together but we have the spare key for each others homes. He lives in a flat in central-ish London, I live a bit further out and he always tells me if I’ve been out for drinks after work I can just let myself into his. I called 2 times on my way and he didn’t answer so I assumed he was asleep/phone in another room etc. This isn’t the first time I’ve let myself in while he was sleeping and last time he was really happy that I did.
Anyway he lives with a couple, they have a small living room with a sofa but he mostly uses his room. I walked past the living room initially and realised his bed was empty and untouched so I slightly opened the living room door and there he was fast asleep, I could see there was someone else cuddled into him sleeping too, so I said his name and he sort of jumped up. When I put the light on I realised it was his ex. He was with her for 2 years but she doesn’t live in the UK.
He’s trying to tell me he just offered her his sofa while she’s visiting and they were chatting and must have fallen asleep. He claims he doesn’t remember putting his arm around her, her head was sort of resting in the nook of his arm/against his chest. He says she must have fell into him a little when she fell asleep. I then noticed her cases etc. were all in his room. He keeps saying surely if he was cheating they’d have just slept in his bed. It was only 9.30 so early to be asleep etc. It’s a large L shape sofa so no need for them to be sat right beside each other anyway.

I’ve left, he asked me not to go and to stay the night but I’m heartbroken and feel like he is cheating or was planning to.

None of my friends have answered the phone so I don’t know if I’m jumping to conclusions and his story is actually believable or if he is cheating.

What do I do? I’m devastated!

OP posts:
MinnieDelight · 07/02/2025 20:44

It’s hard to hear you’ve dodged a bullet - but just think how much awful it would be if you were another 18 months in and he did this. Take care of yourself, don’t let this experience jade you 💕

honeypancake · 07/02/2025 21:45

So sorry about the breakup but it happened for a reason. There was no future in this relationship , it was clear from your first post OP... Take care of yourself, and be proud of putting yourself first and respecting yourself to be out of that relationship!

LittleGreenHouse · 07/02/2025 21:56

My Nan always used to say that 24-26 was the best age to fall in love with the wrong person and the best age to get your heartbroken because you're old enough to fall 'seriously' in love -as opposed to late teenage hormonal love - and therefore learn some life lessons, but young enough to start again.
Let him go, like he has let you go. It will be worth it in the end ❤️

PennyApril54 · 07/02/2025 22:02

You are going to be okay OP. I am thinking of you and sending you strength. I know how hard it can be. Take good care of yourself ❤️

Rendang · 07/02/2025 22:30

So sorry OP.

Projectme · 07/02/2025 22:34

Ah crap. So sorry OP.
Look after yourself and your little one.
Your heart will heal and you'll move on

MsDogLady · 07/02/2025 22:37

@Imaunicorndavid, I am so sorry for the great hurt he has inflicted on you.

He’s a self-serving user and loser. A man who is seriously invested and committed to you would not omit his former Partner’s presence, fall asleep entwined with her, or fail to give you a definitive answer about his feelings for her. All of his protestations yesterday were hollow, as he was clearly hedging his bets until he could have a heart to heart with her.

This stings so much, but there’s no telling how long he would have strung you along if you hadn’t come upon their sleeping embrace. He does not deserve your love and tears.

@Imaunicorndavid, you will get through this and will gain strength on your new path. Please don’t allow yourself to be hoovered by him if he tries to slither back in.

Ilovetea33 · 07/02/2025 23:38

I'm glad he's not messing you about anymore. I would suspect that his life goal is to go back to Italy and open a restaurant of his own, so you were never the person to do that with.

FrauPaige · 08/02/2025 01:16

Sometimes all it takes to make a user confess is to ask a few pointed questions. He was decent enough not to lie and to come clean - and deserves credit for that.

You will heal and find someone that is besotted with you. It will be a bumpy road but when you are sat in a cafe with a guy that can't get enough of you in a few months time, you'll know the tears and heartache were worth it.

Pessismistic · 08/02/2025 18:10

It’s not about telling you he has friends staying over this is ex staying big difference I could not deal with that tbh how would you know if it happened again they could have had sex earlier got dressed had food then fell asleep he planned for his ex to stay this takes time contact and planning would he be ok if you & your ex was found snuggled up. The trust must be broken by now.

Sparsely · 08/02/2025 18:46

It doesn't really matter what happened or different happen bewteen them. He could have anticipated your hurt but he either gave no thought to how you might feel about this or he didn't really care. Either way, that's not love, is it?

Pippyls67 · 08/02/2025 18:47

I’d be extremely suspicious. You are not being unreasonable. Sorry Op. Always value yourself more than ‘the relationship’ and call it a day if need be.

OrangePeel2 · 08/02/2025 18:55

You're gut instinct was right, such a hurtful situation. You will be okay, not right now, but in time. You did well to post on here and get support.

Porkyporkchop · 08/02/2025 19:03

healthybychristmas · 06/02/2025 23:16

You've had a hell of a shock but also a narrow escape. There's no way you can trust him now.

This.
run don’t walk from this relationship. He is showing you no respect at all.

Exdonkeylover · 08/02/2025 19:04

Imaunicorndavid · 06/02/2025 23:05

He says he didn’t see the need to tell me as he wouldn’t warn me if he had other friends sleeping on the sofa. Historically he hasn’t told me if he has had other friends over though so that is kind of true but he never falls asleep cuddling them!

Show quote history

But he hasn't (I suspect) been intimate and had bonding emotions with other friends.
There is a big difference between say his brothers wife staying on the sofa and his ex.
I can't help thinking he didn't tell you as he knew how you'd possibly feel (maybe uncomfortable) and I don't think you're out of order.

I'd dump straight away

OnaMatUpHere · 08/02/2025 19:04

I'm sorry that happened op, that's shit.
In my experience Italians tend to stay in a relationship until they have another one to go to (obviously I don't know them all, just a small sample)
Anyway it's horrible being with someone who has no boundaries with their female friends, especially ex's. You would never be able to trust him, not a nice way to live.
I hope you are out with your friends having fun x

Blobbitymacblob · 08/02/2025 19:25

I’m so sorry OP.

In time I think it will be obvious you’ve dodged a bullet but for now I know it just hurts. Flowers

PregnancyHormonesss · 08/02/2025 19:29

Imaunicorndavid · 07/02/2025 20:00

So we have broken up.

He asked to call me and basically said that he had been thinking more and he does have feelings for her and it’s not fair to drag me into his mess more than he has.
Still won’t admit that last night was anything more than he already claimed.

My friend thinks he probably went back and spoke to her after our chat and she’s now confirmed she is also interested back so he feels safe to let me go.

Im absolutely devastated.

Oh OP i am so sorry… how are you doing?

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 08/02/2025 19:36

Look, it’s shitty but he was honest with you.
hard news but clean.

Sillyname63 · 08/02/2025 19:36

Can I just that Italians are much more touchy/ feely than Brits, anyone who has been to Italy will see groups of people walking along arm in arm and hugging and kissing when they meet another group of friends . People who have been friends since childhood are like brother and sister , I would take his word that this was an innocent mistake and give him the benefit of the doubt . BUT, keep an eye of things in the future, perhaps his flat mates may be encouraging the relationship and letting the former girlfriend think she is in with another chance?
Why did they break up before? Was the relationship in the UK or in Italy? If she lived here she must speak some English, plus they are taught it in school. Tell him you want to kept updated in future and just keep an eye, especially if he goes home for a visit.

Doubledenim305 · 08/02/2025 19:45

The end.

Haven't read much of the thread. But for me it would be good-bye.
Nobody needs this ambiguity or hassle in their lives. Find someone who is 100% all in.

Gabitule · 08/02/2025 20:34

Op, I'm so sorry. I can imagine how heartbroken you must be but this too shall pass! I promise!

When I was in my late 30s I feel madly inlove with a French man. His French gf had left him, and I was his first relationship after her. After a while he went back to her and I was sooo heartbroken. I went through the same period of confusion and gaslighting before he confessed what was happening … They are married now and have 2 kids. I feel no sadness now, no envy. I don’t think we were that compatible…Or perhaps my brain is tricking me that we weren’t. But my point is that one day you’ll think of him and have no desire whatsoever to get back with him.

researchers3 · 08/02/2025 20:42

TheAzureSwan · 07/02/2025 20:05

I'm so sorry OP .

It may not feel like it now but you really are better off with out someone who has been hankering after another woman during the whole of your relationship and who even now can't be open and honest.

This true I'm afraid. My HUSBAND of many years left me for his ex who he'd apparently had feelings for, for the duration of our relationship!

Pretty devastating for me and my two children.

This is a bullet well dodged op. However, I'm really sorry. I know how gutted you will feel.

CobraChicken · 08/02/2025 21:02

Sillyname63 · 08/02/2025 19:36

Can I just that Italians are much more touchy/ feely than Brits, anyone who has been to Italy will see groups of people walking along arm in arm and hugging and kissing when they meet another group of friends . People who have been friends since childhood are like brother and sister , I would take his word that this was an innocent mistake and give him the benefit of the doubt . BUT, keep an eye of things in the future, perhaps his flat mates may be encouraging the relationship and letting the former girlfriend think she is in with another chance?
Why did they break up before? Was the relationship in the UK or in Italy? If she lived here she must speak some English, plus they are taught it in school. Tell him you want to kept updated in future and just keep an eye, especially if he goes home for a visit.

@Sillyname63 - You probably should at least read all of the OP's posts before replying to threads. All your questions were previously answered and they have already broken up.

CobraChicken · 08/02/2025 21:06

@Imaunicorndavid Sorry that he's done this to you but I'm certain that, in time, you'll see that it's for the best and you'll go on to find someone much better for you.